PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Funny But Not Fertile

I got the results of my first pregnancy test today and it was negative. So, as it stands now, for the first time ever, I’ve just spent over $15,000 to get my period. Apparently, IVF does NOT mean “I’m Very Fertile”. It may very well mean “I’m Very F*cked.”

Although we’re doing a second blood test tomorrow, the odds are slim that it will suddenly come up positive. If only these pregnancy tests were more like a magic 8 ball and you could keep shaking them until you get the outcome you wanted.

“Check back later.”

“Outlook hazy”

“You’re knocked up”

I did not have my hopes up, nor was I pessimistic. I was, as they say, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. However, I could tell as soon as I said my name to the nurse when I called today that we were not successful. Her tone gave my results away before she even said a word. I really don’t envy her job. She tells exceptionally hormonal women bad news on a daily basis. When you think about it, it’s amazing she hasn’t been murdered yet.

I had a phone session scheduled with my therapist at 2:30pm today but I just didn’t feel much like talking. I was ok. Well, I was deeply disappointed and beyond frustrated, but ok. I just wanted to go for a walk, listen to my mp3 player and not think about any of this for awhile. My therapist unfortunately was having none of it. In response to my text asking if we could reschedule, she wrote, “You need to feel comfortable talking to me even when you’re sad. What’s important is growing to be real and intimate with your therapist so that I can help.”

I read this and thought, “Great. On top of everything else, my therapist is now telling me we have intimacy issues.”

During my forced phone session with her, I was sitting on my couch when I saw a black mouse run across my living room floor and duck behind the book case. A mouse. Perfect. My luck just keeps on coming, doesn’t it? If you hear of either a stampede or a flood in a Brooklyn apartment that wiped out two freelance writers and one mouse, you’ll know it was me, my husband and my new, furry and unwelcomed rodent.

And here’s the best part: My mother-in-law is going to be visiting us for seven days next week. SEVEN. DAYS. She knows nothing of what we’ve been through (and continue to go through) so you can’t fault her too much on her timing, but still. Even under the best circumstances, should anyone you’re not having sex with stay at your house for more than a few days?

I can’t help but think it’s funny that should the second blood test confirm that I’m not pregnant, both my mother-in-law and Aunt Flo will be in town the same week. What’s even funnier than that is my mother-in-law will be sleeping in the living room with the mouse. Anytime she drops a hint that she wants more grandbabies, I may tuck a piece of cheese under her pillow just to amuse myself.

So, what to do? Even though we don't know for sure what the second blood test will bring, I’m not holding my breath. Things are simply not going my way these days and it’s best to just accept that. We’ll wait and see what the test results show on Saturday and then take it from there.

In the meantime and in the words of Elaine Stritch, “I’M STILL HERE!” I’ve lost thousands of dollars, a touch of my sanity, and the dream of being pregnant this month, but I still have my sense of humor. And who knows? IVF might actually stand for “I’m Very Funny”… so that’s something… at least for now.

10 comments:

Secret Sloper said...

You are amazing. I'm cracking up at you putting cheese under your mother in law's pillow.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

Baby bump bound said...

You ARE very funny... and I am very sorry!! Infertility sucks @ss and negative betas can suck it!

You are not alone...at least not in your apt. but more so, you are not alone on this journey and I concur with the previous post - we are here for you!

HA... cheese under the pillow...the image is priceless!

Meg Coldwells said...

Knowing how much you HATE accronyms (sp) I LOVED all the takes on IVF! LOL I am so sorry about the first test results, AND the fact that your Mother-in-law is coming for 7 days ~ *ugh* That is truly a double wammy. But given your excellent sense of humor I am confident you can get thru that with flying colors. As for Saturday, I happen to believe in miracles so I am gonna keep sending you 'fertility mojo' through my prayers and look forward to the next post!
With blessings and hugs,
Meg

Nadine @ BDG said...

Where is that damned magic wand? I want to wave it for you and give you a positive result. f*ckstick.

Sara Jean said...

I can't believe I just found your blog!
Hilarious and heartwarming at the same time!
I would make it a BIG slice of cheese ;)

Baby Hope said...

I admire your courage and perseverance. Thank you for sharing your emotional journey. *Hugs*

InfertileNaomi said...

Negative pregnancy tests and mice are my worst!

foxinthehenhouse said...

So sorry. I'd lend you my Magic 8 Ball but it seems to be faulty. I asked if I would get pregnant this month and it told me "It is certain." Liar. :P
Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for the last 2 weeks and so badly wanted to read your good news today. I was really sorry to see it was negative, but you still managed to make me laugh with the cheese under the pillow comment, so thank you for that - you are an inspiration. I am going to embark on my first IVF this summer and hope I can keep my spirits up like you seem to have.

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

I was very sorry to see that your cycle did not go well. I know that it is a huge letdown...from my point of view it is the worst part of my job, of course, to be the bearer of bad news. I always insist on calling the patients myself, unfortunately. I recall that you had three good embryos to transfer and that your doc transferred all three (which is good...when my wife went through IVF at 37 w/FSH of 10, they transferred all 4 embryos & one took luckily). Not all docs will do that. I also see that he had a good protocol leading up to the transfer. Perhaps he will tweek it a little or perhaps it will simply be a matter of getting that one good egg. I had a 43 year old this year that had only one egg fertilize, we put it in and bingo. So, never say never, keep your eyes on the prize and remember to stay focused!!!! Good luck on your next 2WW :)). EJR, MD

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