PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Designated Crying Section

I realized something important today: There are “Smoking Areas” and “Smoke Free Zones” but there aren’t any “Designated Crying Sections”. We should really look into that.

This morning, I had an incident that I haven’t had since the fifth grade. I was at my day job sitting at my desk when suddenly, I felt like I had “leakage”. My period has been heavier than usual this month (not sure if the recent failed IVF has anything to do with this) and despite wearing a maxi pad as big as my Brooklyn apartment, I couldn’t help but fear that an accident had occurred.

I ran to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. Well, everywhere but the damn maxi pad. It was like Aunt Flo decided she’d have enough of 'Always with Wings' and she wanted to travel. So she bled all over my new adorable pink cotton underwear and down my thighs. Oh that Aunt Flo... what a bitch.

I sat there for a second trying to figure out my options. “Let’s see, I have soaked underwear, a maxi pad, toilet paper, bobby pins in my hair and pearl earrings. What would MacGyver do?”

I decided to make a dash back to my desk and see if I had extra underwear lying around. Thanks to the days when I used to go to the gym (those days are gone but not forgotten…) it wouldn’t be unusual that I would have extra underwear, socks and sneakers in my desk somewhere. I figured if I didn’t have underwear, I at least could get creative with the socks. Mercifully though, I found some clean underwear in my now dusty gym back and thankfully, no blood made its way on to my outfit. Phew!

Something about this incident took the fact that I’m still not pregnant and put it in bold red typeface. What’s KILLING me is truly, everywhere I go, I feel like I’m reminded how very NOT pregnant I am. I walked through the lobby of my day job, and there were women pushing strollers, Mother’s Day merchandise in the window of every store and I have seen more pregnant women than there are at a Mormon polygamous compound.

My visiting mother-in-law talks about her grandson and the impending birth of her granddaughter incessantly, I’m surrounded by pregnant women at work who swap stories of baby kicks, breast pain and cravings, and ninety-two percent of stories people tell me have to do with their kids, or having a family or something relative to all of the above. I’ve never been one to be paranoid but I’m beginning to suspect a meeting was held where some enthusiastic and sadistic leader called everyone into a room and said, “You hear Jay isn’t pregnant? I say we have fun with it! Who’s with me? C’mon! It’ll be fun!”

On my lunch break, I was overcome by the need to cry. I don’t even know why but I felt that a good, healthy cry was in order. The trouble is I had no idea where to go for privacy. I walked outside to the nearby park and tried to find a secluded bench. As soon as I sat down though, my eyes locked on to the baby play group stretched out and playing on the lawn directly in front of me. I got up and moved to another remote bench, only to have a nanny and a stroller filled with twins sit next to me. I got up again and just began wandering and thinking very rationally, “Hmmmm, now where can I go to cry? Where to go…” You would have thought I had this tearful appointment written in on my day planner:

12:30pm: Meet with emotions.

For one second, I actually considered going to what we call “The Milking Room” at work. It’s where new mothers can go to pump their breast milk. I immediately shot this idea down though. I wanted to have a little cry; not a have a complete nervous breakdown.

Then, I remembered there was a church near by. I haven’t been to church in ages as god appears to have broken up with me, but I knew it was quiet and that you could possibly find a little corner, a “crying vestibule” if you will, to have a moment. When I walked in however, it was crowded. If I had to guess, it looked like half were there to worship the lord and the other half were there for the same reason as me. Any which way, the only seat I could find was, of course, next to a huge ornate statue of Mary holding a baby Jesus. Perfect. She didn’t even have sex and managed to get pregnant. Jesus Christ indeed.

After sitting there for only a few minutes debating my next move, I decided to just give up altogether, get a bagel and go back to work.

It’s a sad day when an emotional, hormonal, menstrual woman can’t find a decent place to cry in New York City.


Secret Sloper said...

Oh, these days are so familiar to me, bloody underwear and all. I usually just walk around with tears streaming down my face. It's New York, we've all seen worse.

I hope you get your nice cry at home tonight.

sienna said...

ahh, sounds like a pretty rough day :o( unlike you, i have no shame in crying at my desk. i'll usually try to run to the bathroom when the floodworks break open, but i'm usually not fast enough. i'm convinced my coworkers think i have a disease or something (bc of all my dr's appts plus all the crying ... and there were those mysterious "procedures" aka retrieval and transfers last month).

now that it's warmer here in the city, all the pregnant chics seem to be out in full force flaunting their bellies (boohoo you showoffs!). sometimes i wish i lived in siberia so that ppl would cover up properly and you can't really tell if someone's pregnant until the very end, thanks to those puffy thick coats.

your office sounds similar to mine - all the women seem to be drinking from a secret, different water cooler than us. my mission: to find that damn cooler so i can chug all the water out!! *hugs*.

Leslie said...

I, too, just usually cry where I am. Usually at my desk at work. You can always plead allergies...

and I am glad that blood didn't seep into your clothes. The small blessings, you know. Like not choosing to wear white pants today.

jensays said...

we do need crying zones. yesterday i sat at my desk frantically trying to dry my eyes before anyone saw me. I ended up with kleenex stuck to my eyeball and one eye missing most of it's mascara.

jennifer (

Anonymous said...

*hugs* I am so sorry. I'm so glad you were able to find some underwear ( I would have been so out of luck). I hope that you get some time to yourself to let it out and feel better about things.

bunny said...

*Packs some underwear to take to the office* It's not just you--everyone in the whole world really is pregnant or got young kids right now. (Oh, except us.) I've given thanks for the fact that I have an office with a door and everything more times than I can count. I'm the luckiest girl in the world that I can be wracked with sobs in private! Not that I mean to rub your nose in my good fortune or anything.

irrationalexuberance said...

Wow that was a really shitty day. I'm sorry that it sucked as much as it did, but it's great that you kept your sense of humor.
I'm new around here, but I wanted to tell you that I totally get it, and since my office has a glass wall, I've also searched the streets of NYC looking for a good place to cry. Nice thing about Union Square where I work is that there are a fair amount of kind of iffy people hanging about, so a girl crying on a bench isn't that unusual or notable.
I hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

I could sooooo use a crying room right now. My umpteenth 2ww has turned into yet again another BFN and I have to visit my parents(always drama and need my support) this wknd and I work in a kids hospital where not y are there kids everywhere (duh) but moms and staff ate pregnant EVERYWHERE!!!! Bahhh!!!!

Anonymous said...

I really wish you all the best! I know exactly how you feel and I know that A LOT of women do too! You will see that soon you will be pregnant -- just have positive thoughts and stop worrying about it. who cares about other people? You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and in their private lives. They might have rotten husbands or whatever...Just remember have a lovely, supportive husband and you live in the greatest city on earth! enjoy your life - carpe diem!!

Anonymous said...


Secret Sloper said...

Just popping back in to say that if yesterday afternoon you chose to take that long delayed trip to the top of the Empire State Building, you may have seen a short girl with big sunglasses, slowly circling the block and weeping. That was me.

Public criers unite!

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