PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Infertile Plans a Baby Shower

In keeping with the universe’s infinite wisdom to crap all over me, I’ve been put in charge of planning not one, but TWO baby showers. Yup, you read that right; The Baby-less Babe is planning a Baby Shower. Boo! Shall we all start drinking tequila shots now or wait till the party happens????

Two women at my day job are due this summer. They are expecting presents, worship and a cake in conference room 2B and my boss has put me in charge of it all.

So here are some questions: How do I, a woman who can’t seem to get pregnant, plan a baby shower and not let my bitterness show? How do I order a cake and not inscribe it with, “Good for f-cking you!” How do I write an email invitation to my co-workers that does not contain, “You’re invited to a baby shower! And if any of you sons-of-bitches ask me when I’M having kids, I’ll tap dance on your windpipe. Cheers!” How can I possibly fake a smile for a full hour without simultaneously taking a hallucinogen and imagining Robert Pattinson naked?

One of my non-pregnant co-workers has asked me what theme I'm going to have for the showers. The theme? How about ‘The Baby Shower of Hostility and Resentment’? Does Winnie the Pooh have any decorations for that? Perhaps there’s a paper plate set of Eeyore looking sad wearing a party hat and holding a bottle of Clomid while Tigger does his happy dance in the background? If not, can someone design that and send it to me?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; this is nothing personal towards these women. I’m happy for them. I truly and sincerely am, but that doesn’t mean I want to plan a party for them! Besides, having someone who is fertility challenged plan a baby shower for two obviously fertile women is like having a nun plan a sex toy party:
Um, no... I’ve never used that but it’s a pretty color and has beads. Those are beads, right? Um, yeah, I guess it stimulates something or other. Oh, it feels that good, huh? Really? No, I’m sure God appreciates you mentioning him but just not maybe at that exact moment. Yeah, no, I wouldn’t know cause ya know... I’m a nun and all.”
Obviously, no one at my job knows what I’ve been through nor what I continue to go through. Perhaps if they did, they would throw me an “Infertile Shower”. I could register at Liquors R Us and instead of playing “Guess Mommy’s Tummy Size”; we could play “Guess How Much I’ve Spent on Fertility Treatments”. We could even do our own version of “Pin the Sperm on the Egg” where every contestant would have to be super drunk and spun for fifteen minutes solid before each attempt. Then, as the person accidentally stabs one of the other party goers in the eye, we’d all laugh hysterically and comment on the contestant’s motility issues! Ahhh, what fun we’d have!

This past week, I had to buy a baby present for my brother-in-law (they’re second child is due in a few days), I bought a card congratulating another friend who just announced her pregnancy and I mailed some onesies to another friend who had a baby a few weeks ago. Between buying gifts and cards over the past few years for the fertility fortunate, all while spending money on my own infertility misfortune, I’d BETTER get a shower of some sort. At the very least, some sort of reimbursement check.

Yeah, I know... that's not nice... but it's my blog and I'll be bitter if I want to.

Somehow, I will make the best of this. I’ll get through it with my usual warped sense of humor. As of late, I’ve been singing Tina Tuner’s “We Don’t Need Another Hero” but I’ve changed the lyrics to “We Don’t Need Another Shower” and that seems to ease some of the jealously. Whatever it takes, right?

33 comments:

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

OMFG, this post is effing fabulous. I think you've read my mind! I just planned my sister's baby shower and while I wasn't bitter (b/c it took her a year and a half to conceive so she's been through this BS, too), I often thought to myself: if this was for one of my neighbors who got knocked up on the 1st try I don't think I could do it. Kudos to you for taking the shower(s) on. I couldn't do it. And PS- go ahead and be bitter. We're allowed to be.

sienna said...

can't you say NO, you're busy and let someone else do it? you're clearly a bigger person than i am, bc that's exactly what i said when they asked me to plan my friend's shower at work. so someone else is in now in charge, but the b*tch keeps asking me my opinion. clearly this chic doesn't get the"YOU are in charge" part of all this. idiota!!

would it be mean to halfa$$ it so that you're never asked to do it again? i guess that would be bad karma?

Nadine @ BDG said...

Any party without booze or men isn't my idea of a party. Nuff said.

Al said...

Hysterical post...and I would begrudgingly host the party if asked and then whine about it all over my blog. Thankfully I haven't been asked to attend or host any recently.

Love the eeyore cake...do it ;-)

And you are a badass for hosting...GL!

Anonymous said...

1) You are f-ing hilarious

2) Noooooo! I can't believe you have to do this!!!!! There's no way I could take that on. I'm dealing with multiple pregnancies at work (covering for 2 people on maternity leave and 3 of my direct reports are pregnant) and that has been hell enough - so glad no one asked me to plan a shower on top of all of this. You are incredible. I hope you get through this with as little pain as possible.

Slackie O. said...

You are freaking killing me here! I totally want to play "Pin the Sperm on the Egg" - please-please-please-can-I?

I may have to let you call and sing to me after all!

Maya said...

1) your blog is awesome

2) you are a bigger person than i would have been for agreeing to throw the showers. my response might have been umm i'm sorry this is a place of WORK so unless you have an assignment for me to do for my JOB then no, i'm not interested.

Misfits said...

Whoa! This seems like a plot for a horror movie. Have you looked for a hidden camera? One would be bad enough, but doubling the pleasure does not double the fun. I'd actually like that cake inscription at any future shower. I refuse to visit kids departments. Green (gift cards) goes with anything, after all. I figure I'd spend the $ to not subject myself to that torture. You are a very brave, and extremely funny, soul.

shufuinjapan said...

Hi! Loved this post! I don't blame you for having such thoughts at all. I would be having similarly uncharitable ones right now too. Pity there aren't more infertility showers as I have also spent serious money on everyone else's baby gifts.

lowfatlady said...

Can you plan the theme with cute animals or something with glitter or your favorite colors? Maybe ask a friend who loves planning who will take over? I'm sorry you have to plan them, but I'm sure they will come out great. I want some cake now.

SWMama said...

I think baby showers suck even when you're not TTC. We didn't have one, and I avoid them whenever possible. I would highly recommend that you combine them into one event, and call in sick that day. I would totally do that. Good luck!

praying4amiracle said...

I love the pin the sperm on the egg game! That is not only halarious but exactly how I feel.
Here are some more games: "Guess how much weight I've gained while ttc?" Or "If you have 50 million sperm and 4 eggs how many babies will you conceive?" Answer- BIG FAT ZERO! BFZ
I too have planned a shower this year (a friend) and now have 2 co-workers PG that I get to plan what "office gift" to buy them!We will get through this "I will survive"

Ana said...

OMF.....

I love your post. I agree with SWMama, just combine them into one event. Can we have an infertile shower for all of us infertile people and play pin the sperm on the egg? I have this little movie playing in my head of people playing that. That thought will always bring a smile to my face. Also, you are a great person. I do not know that I could throw a baby. You rock. Love your blog. *hugs*

Carissa said...

Holy Crap- Can NOT believe some people- personally, I think that some people think that if you have an infertile do some baby-related task, they'll magically "catch" a baby virus- kind of the reverse of all your "already had number one and working on number two" friends who are suddenly doing everything they can to avoid you because they're worried infertility is "catching". Go figure.

the2weekwait said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hate feeling like a bitch but we all have our moments. And a lot of great suggestions, good points and funny comments! When the "Showers of Shame" are over (although the suggestion of combining them is genius), everyone's invited to my house for drinks and a round of "Pin the Sperm on the Egg". Expect goody bags filled with a tube of pre-seed, pineapple core and a Barry White CD.

Secret Sloper said...

I hosted two baby showers in October. Granted, I was not as depressed then (pre-m/c) as now, but it wound up being fun. Copious booze is the key to a successful shower. As a bonus, I was also pregnant for both of them (though I only knew it for the second), so I felt like that was a little karma coming my way. Maybe you'll get the good karma, too.

Jenny said...

Boo, how the hell did you get put in charge of two baby showers?

I still say we should have an infertile shower. :D

Tara dS said...

Wow, I can't believe you said yes to that. Can you back out now? I was invited to a baby shower on the anniversary of my miscarriage. It was one of those "co-ed baby showers" and they were friends of my husband so I made him go alone. Who knows what lies he made up about why I wasn't there... :) JUST SAY NO!!!

InfertileNaomi said...

I'll be at your shower and will bring the booze.

Baby Hope said...

on't do it. Why put yourself through additional and UNNECESSARY angst and torture? From your previous points, it sounds like there are plenty of other, more qualified women in the department who can/should plan this.

I would also make myself conveniently absent during the party. I'm sure you can schedule a "dentist appointment" or some critical errand to coincide with that date/time.

thisispersonal said...

Holy crap, I would not be able to do that. I won't even GO to showers right now. Yikes, good luck, lady! BUT, IF Showers - HELL YEAH! I want one. I know just where I'll register... =)

Conceptionally Challenged said...

The part with the nun was hilarious. And I'm so glad to live in a country that doesn't do baby showers. Good luck for making it through.

irrationalexuberance said...

You deserve a fucking parade. And some sort of compensation, because this is just not at all good for your mental health.

I don't even know where to begin, the possibilities for trauma (although with some hilarity) are endless. Just do what you need to do (e.g., as little as possible?) to protect your heart.

And have booze at the showers. Otherwise you're not gonna make it.

Stacy said...

So true! At times, I think to myself, do I have to be a complete bum and a selfish person in order to get pregnant? Jesus!

The Womb Warrior said...

omg, I LOVE the infertile shower idea! I think I might try this with my local IF support group! hehe

Kathleen said...

I laughed so hard at this I cried. Last weekend I hosted one shower for my sister-in-law and attended another for a close friend the very next day. While suffering my period for the millionth disappointing time.
Your blog is GREAT!

The Fertility Blogs said...

Ah, been there. Think of it this way, planning these two showers sends out good Karma. Just be careful to keep the F.Y.'s to yourself.

How's this? The night my sister gave birth, my dad called me at 2am to tell me the good news. Got up, went to the bathroom only to find she delivered 9 lbs 2 ounces and I delivered Aunt Flo. To make matter's worse..it clearly indicated my IVF had failed. :(

Gotta keep your sense of humor, I guess and you're doing a great job of it.

Anonymous said...

If this is any kind of consolation, I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one in that situation...

Anonymous said...

Probably of no consolation to you at all (especially months after your post), but sharing your pain like this has just made it a little bit easier for me to deal with mine. I laughed, and cried. You are my hero!! I had to organise baby gifts for a work colleague (thank god, not the whole shower though), and my sister in law got pregnant straight away (of course after many less years of marriage). To top it off, I wasn't even invited to my sister in lawy's baby shower at all - my mother in law suggested it could be 'so that I would not feel uncomfortable because we have not yet started a family'! Yeah, way to spare my feelings!! By the way, I can't get pregnant because my husband is impotent - yeah, my life has turned out great ...

Em said...

I loved your post. It helped me laugh. Thank you! I am also infertile and going through infertility treatments. I have been asked to plan a baby shower for my sister. It is in two weeks. She is having twins. To make it even worse for me. Her pregnancy was completely unexpected, unplanned, and not really wanted.
And to top it all off I have also been asked to be her birth partner. Why me? Why not my other sister that already has two babies of her own or maybe my mom.

http://babyitup.blogspot.com/

Em said...

Please, please, please post this blog post under my comment section on my blog. I love it so much. It was so funny! I want to read it again and again. A good place to post it would maybe be under one of the video posts.

http://babyitup.blogspot.com/

winnie the pooh theme said...

The information you gave is very useful.Thanks for such a great post.

Anonymous said...

Me too. My sister is pregnant after having sex twice after coming off the pill. Planning her baby shower. Found out today my friend is pregnant. Planning her baby shower. She's pregnant after the third time they've had sex in 12months. Me, been trying for 6yrs. 4 failed ivf cycles! Where's my fucking party?!

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