PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

My Formal Trying to Conceive Letter of Complaint

May 27th, 2010

To Whoever Runs the Universe:

I certainly don’t have all the answers. I suck at Jeopardy, I have a B.A. in Theatre and I’ve never solved any of life’s great mysteries beyond how to stop a run in your pantyhose with clear nail polish (which only works half the time). Perhaps there are reasons why the universe works the way it does, but in my opinion, there is room for improvement.

I am currently disappointed with your service and there appears to be no customer help line, nor can I locate a complaint desk. I would imagine that if you did have either of these things, there would be an unbelievably long line of pissed off infertile women waiting to have serious words with one of your representatives.

Since I’ve begun my “Trying and/or Working towards Conceiving Journey”, I’ve connected with a lot of women, such as myself, who want nothing more than to have children. These women are amazingly strong, funny and brave. They’ve saved up their money, made long term plans, and are responsible individuals. Although I don’t like the reason we’ve all met, I’m extremely proud to know them.

With me in particular, I can’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I do. We've tried good ol' fashioned sex (socks on, socks off, every day, every other day, from behind, while doing a handstand, etc.) and I’ve even tried several IUI’s and an IVF but zip. Bubkes. Nothing. The only thing I’ve conceived is the notion that whoever has been assigned my case in the universe has either not been properly trained, is on an incredibly long vacation or they’re dead at their post and no one has yet noticed. Please follow up on that, will you?

However, my trying to conceive issues pale in comparison to some of the women I’ve met. Many of them have actually gotten pregnant only to have a miscarriage… or two… or three… or more. When I think of that, I get angry. I mean I get really angry. Like Mike-Tyson-pissed-off-and-drunk-when-someone-mentions-Robin-Givens-angry. And it makes me wonder… what the f*ck universe?!?!? No really, what the f*ck?

To add to my dissatisfaction, while my fellow fertility challenged friends go through what I can only categorize as both physical and emotional torture, there are other women who I like to call “Fortunate F*cked-up Fertiles” (or F3 for short) who are somewhat ignorant, unprepared and think “implantation” is a large farm somewhere. These F3’s also seem to get pregnant very, very easily. Put them in a ten mile radius of sperm, and bam! They’re pregnant before you can say, “Assisted reproductive technology.”

For example, a month ago, in the same week I had heard about two different women having miscarriages; I happened to meet an F3 who got pregnant accidentally while in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. That’s a hell of a break up when “exit sex” is involved, no? Anyway, this pregnant woman told me she’s taking pain medication without her doctor’s knowledge, that she eats sushi on a regular basis, that she has no idea where her baby’s daddy is and that she’s hoping by the time the baby is born, she’ll have either a job, insurance or a man in her life. She’s due next month and has had a problem-free pregnancy… of course. The women I know are scared to even vacuum or eat a hot dog for fear of jeopardizing their pregnancies and yet, it’s this F3 who takes Vicodin with her tuna rolls that will go full term.

Where is the justice? Why put us infertiles through this total and complete bullsh*t? And then, even after many of us work so hard, go through thousands of dollars, months of stress, and take hormone altering drugs to get pregnant, why do you punish us by taking our reward of a newborn away? That does not make for a very satisfied customer.

Is the message that all of my fellow fertility challenged friends and I should quit our jobs, become homeless, go into debt and start taking crack? Is that the moment the person in charge of the universe is like, “Oh wow! Look at that woman. Her life is falling apart! Quick! Let’s make her responsible for another human being!

Are you just spinning an enormous wheel with everyone’s names and whoever the arrow points to gets knocked up? Are you throwing a dart at our pictures and whoever gets it right in between the eyes gets it right in the uterus? What’s the logic? Is there any logic?

Now, I’m not saying every woman who gets pregnant easily is a horrible person that doesn’t deserve it. I’m also not saying that women who are perhaps ill-equipped can’t pull it together once a baby enters their lives. What I AM saying is that there are a whole bunch of fantastic women out there who not only deserve to be a mom, but who have been to hell and back in their quest. You, for whatever reason, appear to be ignoring them.

Could it be that you’re in over your head? I’m sure running the universe is a huge responsibility. I live in a six room railroad apartment and I don’t know what my husband is doing half the time on the other side of the place. Perhaps you need to hire more help?

Any which way, I can only guess that whoever is in charge of all this madness has to be a man because a woman would simply know better.

So, I’m asking as nicely as I can, please stop picking on me and my friends. Find out who’s responsible and fire them immediately. They are doing a piss poor insensitive job. We, my fellow fertility challenged friends and I, demand justice. We demand satisfaction. Please credit our accounts and give us all a happy ending… or I promise you – I will hunt you down and kick your ass. You’ve been warned.

Most sincerely,

Jay

38 comments:

Adam and Julia said...

LOVE IT!!!!!

Jenny said...

AMEN SISTER!

Maybe there's a BBB for this that we can contact? I mean, seriously.

Slackie O. said...

Oh SEE - I knew you'd totally rock it!! Such nuance, such poignancy, such a way with words ;) You can be my spokes-chick any day.

Thanks for that!

sienna said...

amen and damn girl, you can write. i wish i was half as eloquent as you.

you hit it all on the nail.

C said...

Amen to that!

Katie said...

AMEN Sister!! Couldn't have said it better! I just hope the person in charge is listening and accepting e-mails!!

Al said...

Yea!! Love it. Listen to her, universe, get your shit together!! Enough is enough!

shufuinjapan said...

Hi, first time poster here.
Awesome letter! I loved every word of it. You summed up my feelings exactly. Many of us have been to hell and back with absolutely nothing to show for it. Talk about no reward for effort.
That is what is peeving me off today (to put it mildly).

Anonymous said...

You have become my new IF hero. I wish I had written this letter - it is absolutely perfect and captures how I feel 99% of the time.

Ana said...

LOVE IT!

Stickles McQueen said...

Thank you for writing this letter. I couldn't have said it better myself. I may just print this out and ceremonially burn it to make sure the powers that be get the message.

bir said...

Yup!

Eny said...

That's right! I just counted the months for how long we've been working on/ "trying to" get preggo and it's 9 months!!! NINE months.... If I were a Fortunate F*cked-up Fertile I would be holding a baby in my arms right now. Oh well, maybe I should go get hooked on crack and it would make me forget and hopefully get pregnant too. :(

Kitty said...

I absolutely LOVE IT!!!! It's about time someone wrote a letter like that I almost wanna print your post and stick it on my wall!!!!

babytears said...

Love it! This post made my day! I teach 9th grade and one of my less responsible students is currently 6 months pregnant while my first Injectibles+IUI cycle just failed. Every day that I see this girl, I just think 'there's no sense in that!'

RachelP said...

Ha! F3....I'll never use that key on my laptop again! Funny stuff.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm sorry that you are in this. That we are in this. But your letter is hilarious. Now, Universe, would you please listen?

irrationalexuberance said...

This made me laugh a lot, which is what I needed.
And while I hope that your answer gets the speedy response it deserves, in case it doesn't I'm really happy you are advocating on behalf of our group.

Leslie said...

"Is the message that all of my fellow fertility challenged friends and I should quit our jobs, become homeless, go into debt and start taking crack?"

YES. It worked for me... not that I won't have a 3rd miscarriage, but anyways. (no I'm not smoking crack, but I decided to go homeless and to eat sushi... check out my blog for proof of this.)

Not that I'm recommending it :) And stay tuned for loss #3...

DCPatient said...

This is a great letter! You have encapsulated so well the frustrations all of us have felt at some point. I hope that after this you took a long breath. God is faithful. God has not forgotten any of us, although His timing and route may not be what we would have asked for. Stay strong, stay funny, stay the course. You'll be a great mom some day.

Renae said...

Love the term F3. It is hard not to get bitter at life with this IF/TTC bullshit. Loved reading your letter.

xoxo
Renae from Launderlife
http://launderlife.wordpress.com

Samara said...

Yes the universe is indeed a big old favouritising twat. Well said.

Baby bump bound said...

Amen sister - where can we sign a petition for you to be our spokesperson?

suchagoodegg said...

You tell 'em! This is hilarious. And, um, true.

I just read through your last three posts and you are such a good read on a really craptastic day. (Or any day!) xo

The Infertility Doula said...

Love it! I hope the Universe gets the message.

MC0987 said...

That was awesome!! and true hopefully the universe has read your letters and answers our BFP prayers

Karen said...

Well said...

Karen
http://dreamsofmybaby.blogspot.com

Freebird said...

Wow, I totally can relate to all these feelings. You have a great way of expressing yourself and emotions in a such a comical way. LOVE IT!!!!!

I am suffering my 4th loss right now and was speaking with a F3 friend (whom has 3 kids) that my HCG level was going down and she said..."Oh, there's a pregnancy hormone doctors can check?" Are you freaking kidding me...must be nice to have had such smooth pregnancies to be unaware of all the medical terms and knowledge that those of us on the TTC struggle know more than we ever bargained for!

Barbara H said...

I love this blog!! I read it to hubby and he roared. We tried to conceive for 8 years got pregnant and lost baby (that was 8 years ago now) after tryng again for a while we gave up. In April 2010 we decided to try again!!

Finally someone who understands and can laugh and cry about it!

Low Fat Lady said...

Yes, stop picking on us and letting all the f3 women have all the babies.

Mrs. Type A said...

Amen sister! I have the double curse, infertility and miscarriages....I mean, really, can't a girl catch a break! I just started blogging yesterday...
TypeATriesToConceive.blogspot.com

Keep up the great posts!

Jenny loves Louisiana said...

f3!!!! ha ha ha ha!!!! You made my day.

thisispersonal said...

zomg, DITTO! My theory has been that the dude handing out babies is drunk. I'm officially adopting the "F3" terminology. BFPs for everyone!!!

Mia said...

A friend of mine had an abortion at 9 weeks gestation the same week I had a miscarriage at not quite 6. That was the low point for me.

Mrs. R said...

I just found your blog via Baby Center and had to add to your post. I had a patient who was pregnant THIRTY SEVEN TIMES, which only amounted to 6 kids. The large majority of the remaining 31 pregnancies were abortions, with a few miscarriages. She's pretty much the epitome of a F3.

I have to say that it was very difficult working on the L&D floor in a hospital with many teen pregnancies (some as young a 13 years old) who still didn't realize that you can get pregnant if you don't use a condom.

Why does it seem like everyone around you is pregnant except you?

thisispersonal said...

Thank you. <3

Anonymous said...

Could it be that you’re in over your head? I’m sure running the universe is a huge responsibility. I live in a six room railroad apartment and I don’t know what my husband is doing half the time on the other side of the place. Perhaps you need to hire more help?

I laughed so hard I was in danger of my co-workers thinking I'm completely nuts.

I'm just catching up. I'm so glad you got your happy ending :)

Dee said...

Thanks so much for writing what we all think
Dee
New Zealand

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