PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Team Edward and Team Fertility

One thing I’ve always had is a sense of humor. My mom told me that even when I was a baby, she would hear me lying in my crib telling myself jokes and then hysterically laughing. What can I say? I was always my best audience.

Throughout the whole trying to conceive debacle (or T.T.C.D. for fans of acronyms), I’ve maintained my sarcasm, wit and sense of irony. When I realized that IVF didn’t stand for “I’m Very Fertile”, I went with the flow and changed it to “I’m Very Funny”. However, this past Saturday night, I apparently misplaced my flair for the funny.

My husband was on the road this weekend so I was on my own. Although I missed him, I always find a way to enjoy “alone time” in the apartment. I lived on my own for almost ten years so when Sam’s gone, it’s like I’m revisiting my old self. The old self that would eat cereal for dinner, Nair her mustache and then give herself a pedicure while watching a bad Lifetime movie.

C’mon ladies… we’ve all been there.

Friday night, I went out with a friend and had a nice time and Saturday day, it was all about beautifying (tweezing, exfoliating, self-tanning, etc.) It’s takes a lot of work and expensive crap to look naturally attractive. In general though, the weekend was going well; I was feeling fine and doing my best to not think about anything having to do with babies, pregnancy or lack thereof.

Saturday night, I was invited to a family function. Even though I had anticipated relatives asking me when we were going to start having kids, I guess I didn’t realize how uptight I was about it until I started heading over to my uncle’s house. I had my stock answers ready to go (“No idea but we’re having a lot of crazy monkey sex” was a personal favorite). I felt confident I’d be able to handle any inquisitions, but I was growing more and more anxious the closer I got to the party.

When I arrived, my uncle’s house was packed with both people and food. Typically, I enjoy our family gatherings immensely but on this night, I immediately felt self conscious. Do you ever think you look great when you’re home looking at yourself in a full length mirror and then you get to where you’re going to and realize, “Maybe this brightly colored floral wrap dress kinda looks like sh*t. I should have worn spanx. Who cares if I can’t breathe! And what was I thinking with these shoes?!?

That’s how I felt. I suddenly hated my outfit, hated my hair and hated that I was surrounded by people I know would love a new family addition, and that I couldn’t deliver one. All without a single person saying anything about my having children, I somehow managed to upset myself without any assistance. I felt like a big fat failure… both literally and figuratively.

Sam and I only had two days in between learning our recent IVF didn’t work and my mother-in-law’s visit. During the week she was here, I was too focused on her stay that I think I never fully processed what I was feeling. I was particularly distracted from our fertility issues when she told me she had someone come to the house and give her a massage in our bed. Repeat: Some mystery woman came to our house and massaged my mother-in-law in my bed. She explained that this masseuse didn’t have a massage table, hence our bed. And yes, we changed the sheets and booked appointments with our therapists immediately.

After she left, we had an additional day or so before Sam had to go out of town on business; still not enough time to process. While I was stuffing my face with baked ziti on Saturday night and feeling like a loser, it occurred to me that some of the feelings I’ve been pushing aside might be catching up to me. I guess it had to happen sometime. Who knew it would happen surrounded by my family and enough carbohydrates to ruin any person’s Atkins diet.

I stayed at the party a respectable two and a half hours before returning home. I adore my family and they are all truly loving, wonderful, supportive people but I just needed to go home. I needed to be sad. I needed my pajamas. I also, as I decided on the ride home, needed to watch Twilight again. I’m not saying vampires completely cure the blues but Robert Pattinson definitely provides the loveliest of diversions.

So, I had a good cry, put the Twilight DVD on, drooled over Edward and fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up and thought to myself, “I wonder if IVF could stand for ‘I’m a Vampire Fan?”

It would appear my sense of humor had returned.


Anonymous said...

*hugs* So sorry you were feeling down. Your right though, you just have to process through those feelings. I do so much in beating myself sometimes up that others have no comparison. Glad that twilight was able to help you to feel better. Have you read the Sookie Stackhouse series?

Slackie O. said...

Ah the blessings of living half a continent away from all family... much as I love them, I'm so glad I don't have to face them on the regular. More power to you and your bounce-back!

praying4amiracle said...

That's exactly why only one person knows of our TTC ( my dad), b/c my family would put me through the "20 ignorant questions" at every family event too. I love your sense of humor, your strong will and optimistic attitude. Everything you say is exactly how I feel, I appreciate you being so honest and I love reading your blog. : )

The Infertility Doula said...

IVF will eat away at anyone's sense of humor. Seriously, this shitty journey is meant to test you, test your beliefs, test your marriage and yes, test your sense of humor. Unfortunately, in order to rise above the wave and catch a break, you have to sink low. I mean pretty low and let yourself let out a good cry. And a pint of ice cream later, somehow you do wake up in a better place (until you go back down again). Did you ever get a chance to talk to Sam about how he's handling the outcome of your last try? Maybe you'll find comfort in talking to each other. I always helped for me/us.

Hmm, as for your MIL getting a massage on your bed, I think I need therapy now!

And I'm a tweezing and waxing fanatic -- being Mediteranean doesn't help in the hair department. I highly recommend the Bliss at home self waxing kit.

Secret Sloper said...

I'm so sorry, J. I know what you mean about enjoying getting in touch with your "single" self when the husband is out of town. It can be so nice sometimes! But when Lawyer Guy had to leave town for business three weeks after our miscarriage--that was really rough.

I'm glad you had Edward to help soothe the blues.

sienna said...

ooooh, i'm team edward as well!! i don't get the team jacob ppl at all.

anyways, i'm glad you survived your family gathering, and i do the exact same thing - rehearsing potential conversations in my head. altho i go a step further and start getting really really mad anticipating that some ppl will be sooo pushy to the point where i just lose it. this kinda stuff occupies my thoughts 24.7.

glad you're pampering yourself and feeling good. i've been trying to do that as much as possible lately. thinking, if i can't be pregnant, i might as well look good :o)

i hope i dream of edward tonight :o)

Jenny said...

I think family is always hard to be around when it comes to that stuff. I feel like I'm letting mine and my husband's family down by not being able to have kids.

It sucks that the sadness caught up to you, but at least you dealt with it and appear to have moved on. But don't beat yourself up if you find yourself upset and sad again.


Beckie's Infertile said...

I am sorry that you were having a rough day! I also agree that Vampires cover a multitude of emotions - I LOVE THEM!

I actually just met someone from Twilight on the weekend. Dr.Cullens - Hot!

I also really loved the part where you said...

"It’s takes a lot of work and expensive crap to look naturally attractive."

Totally true - LOVE IT!

Leslie said...

I'm glad you got some alone time to start sorting through this pain. I know what you mean about feeling less attractive-- IF really erodes confidence on so many levels!

And your story about your MIL (you like that acronym?!) getting massaged on your bed is just too funny. So wrong!!!

bunny said...

I certainly relate to that sudden, complete deflation. And hey, I didn't even need to go through the horrors of a failed IVF cycle to get it!

Anonymous said...

I have become a Twilight lover too! It does give a distraction from all this infertility mess. It's crazy, for a couple of hours I can escape from the stress.

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