PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Yoda's Thoughts On Trying to Conceive

In the movie STAR WARS, Yoda says, “Do or do not... there is no try.”

In sessions with my therapist, when we’re talking about one thing or another and I use the phrase “I’ll try”, she always responds with, “Try and touch your nose.” Obviously, touching ones nose tends to be easy, so when I do this, she typically says, “See how easy that was? You’re either going to do something or not.”

Who knew Yoda and my analyst had so much in common… other than both being of short stature.

So, when I say I'm “Trying to Conceive”, is it a cop out? Am I sending a subliminal message to my uterus that says I’m not committed to getting pregnant? It’s like when a friend invites you to a party that you have no intention of going to. You say, “I’ll try to make it” but what you really you mean is “There’s no way in hell I’m attending. I’d much rather sit at home and watch PRETTY WOMAN on TBS for the twentieth time.” Hey, don’t judge me. It's a modern day Cinderella story... if Cinderella was a hooker.

I went to a hypnotist a few months ago to see if she could place a more positive attitude into my subconscious. She gave me several visual exercises, one of which was to picture that I’m in a garden and I’m planting seeds into very fertile ground. Within seconds, I am to imagine that these seeds grow into many different, beautiful and colorful flowers. I sincerely love the visualization but in reality, I tend to kill plants. Truly – I am totally lacking a green thumb. I even managed to murder a fake plant one time when I was dusting it.

Putting the fertile garden aside, she also suggested that Sam and I start saying, “We’re working towards getting pregnant” instead of, “We’re trying to conceive”. I liked this suggestion. It’s more proactive and positive sounding. The trouble is I don’t always feel proactive and positive. Sometimes I genuinely feel like we’re doing our best but nothing is working… which is where the word “try” sneaks back into my vocabulary.

Honestly, the quote that I most relate to on the subject of trying comes from Homer Simpson. It goes like this, “Well, you tried and you failed. What’s the lesson? Never try.”

Inspirational? Nope.

Funny? Definitely.

April 2010 was the month we tried our first IVF and it failed. I’m NOT going to say ‘It didn’t work’. It f*cking failed people. At least that’s how it feels. After going through the entire IVF drama and over a year of back to back fertility treatments, we decided to take a break from any medical procedures (i.e. clomid, shots, IUIs, IVFs, etc.). Instead, we’re focusing more on getting back to normal. So, even though we’re having crazy unprotected monkey sex (yeah, you heard me), I really don’t know what to say or what would even be advisable to say. We’re trying? We’re not trying? We’re working on not trying? We’re working towards conceiving through crazy monkey sex? I really don’t know.

As a writer, I definitely believe words have power. I also believe in positive thinking. However, and not to crap on these two statements but to me, the reality is I can sit at home and tell myself over and over again, “I WILL be pregnant” or “I AM pregnant” but do I believe it’s going to help? Ummmm, yeah. I don’t know.

Maybe Sam & I should say, “We’re indifferently attempting to conceive”.

Jesus, that sounds horrible.

I don’t know the answer. It would be fabulous if we could all take Yoda, my therapist and hypnotist’s advice and just eliminate the word "try". Saying, “We’re working towards it...” certainly does make conceiving and pregnancy seem inevitable. If I’m being honest though, I still sincerely feel like I’m “trying", which may be my problem.

I just wish Yoda said something more attainable and helpful. Something like, “May the cervical mucus be with you" or "Crazy Monkey Sex you have, then Baby you will make".

But perhaps that’s just me.


Leslie said...

ha ha! How about, "If it's not worth doing, it's not worth doing right?"

Or, "You just need to relax and it'll happen"?

Those are my thoughts... And hey, positive thinking worked for my buddy Alex @ Alex's Adventures.

So. Maybe visualizing Yoda speaking to you while having sex will help..

Anonymous said...

I love reading your posts. they always make me laugh and are so well written. You are a good writer. I hope that the positive thinking, visualization and the crazy monkey sex will be the key.

The Baby Race said...

I love love love your posts. You are a wonderful writer!

May the crazy monkey sex be with you!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your posts. The always bring a smile to my face. I agree that you are a great writer, your blogs are always so well written. Hope everything works out in your favor. (I know they will).

Nadine @ BDG said...

Why don't you just say, May the force be with you?

Al said...

LOL, love the "then baby you will make" quote.

I would have agreed with the positive thinking mumbo jumbo pre-IF - stemming from my Dad's "can't means you don't want to" mantra - if you really want something, you'll find a way to make it happen.

In TTC and IF, as much as we wish we were, there is no magic mental voodoo there will suddenly knock us up.

But then again, maybe I'm just a jaded IFer. But, I wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and I will be pregnant and I got knocked up twice.

Whatever keeps you from going crazy, I say.

Baby bump bound said...

Your post is SO timely and I went to a training conference yesterday where I said I was " do something" and the trainer asked me to try to stand up. I stood up, she said, "no, you stood up, now sit back down and TRY to stand again..."
Your post and the seminar inspire me to write about this TRYING theory... it's thought provoking. The power of words can do a number on us, no?

Anonymous said...

I'm for the crazy monkey sex version. You'd get attention ;)
Also, I don't have a green thumb either. Now wondering if that means anything...

irrationalexuberance said...

I totally buy the visualization/ positive thinking/ power of words thing, but for me all of the "do vs. try" stuff is irrelevant when it doesn't really matter how much we want and how hard we try. FOr me that's the maddening part -- I've spent more time trying to get pregnant (to include hours of self-educating), and it's not mattered a bit. Every month/ cycle I actually do believe I am pregnant, and I still am not. But your point is a great one and I will continue to try to be positive, even when it means more pain ahead.

Fwiw, if I visualize Yoda during sex, I am now totally blaming you.

Baby Hope said...

I do like "I'm working towards..." but I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with "try" since that implies effort is being made.

I used to do yoga, and the instructor asked us to put one leg behind our head. I really tried. It was a damn good attempt. But it just wasn't going to happen. Was it my negative attitude that prevented me from accomplishing this freak pose? Don't think so...

praying4amiracle said...

We're doing one more IUI than we are trying the crazy monkey sex approach: ) Your posts make me laugh and it's nice to laugh I don't do that as much as I used too. Hopefully the "fertile force" will be with us both this month!

Misfits said...

Yoda and Homer quotes in one post? How have I failed to stop in and say a big hello before. Hi!

I am of the school that positive thinking is overrated. But, without some affirmation we'd all be big gooey messes of emotions all the time. Hope, while elusive, is definitely not overrated. I keep trying to come up with a better way to say the same thing. I tend to think of it as "we are open to the possibility of children and are actively making attempts toward that goal." Very academic, right? Ugh. I'm clearly no help.

Otherwise, last bit here hogging your hubs was super negative when we first met. His kicker word was "never" which is a big taboo word with me. Once you say that word, it's permanent. "I'll never eat a grasshopper." That is until you visit some rural village and suddenly "I have yet to eat grasshoppers" becomes a better choice. So, while it's sort of true that I've never had children, I typically channel that into "we haven't had them yet."

Tara dS said...

It's funny... I used to be part of an IF support group (before I adopted my two kids) and we used to have lengthy discussions about the whole positive attitude thing and in the end we all agreed that you just are where you are emotionally. You are either feeling good or feeling like crap, and if you're feeling like crap, there is not much point in beating yourself up even more because you aren't staying positive. I think we all know that positive thinking does not get you pregnant. If it did, then everyone would be pregnant on the first time we TTC and there would be no accidental teen pregnancies. Good luck! I hope it happens for you sooner rather than later.

Lula said...

Oh you make me laugh so much! Thank you! And the blog labels at the bottom have an interesting combination: '...Homer Simpson Cervical Mucus'... LOL

the2weekwait said...

Wow! Where to begin??? Aside from the fact that it's ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL hearing other people's thoughts on thinking positively, the word 'trying' and of course, Yoda... all of the comments are either thought provoking, funny or both. This topic (your outlook, what word you use, etc.) is actually one I'm really confused on because on one hand, I get the point, but on the other, I wonder how much it helps. Any which way, whether we think of Yoda or not, we ALL should have crazy monkey sex on a regular basis. I'm just sayin'. XOXOXO

Stacy said...

Ugh, I feel your pain. Sending many vibes to you that is filled with "getting through the day."

The Womb Warrior said...

omg, I love this post, it's so fracking funny! You gave me an idea, too. How about instead of doing the "trying" to conceive, or the "working" to get pregnant, we just kept saying we're having lots of crazy monkey sex and would love to have a baby. See, all positive! =D

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