PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Yoda's Thoughts On Trying to Conceive
In sessions with my therapist, when we’re talking about one thing or another and I use the phrase “I’ll try”, she always responds with, “Try and touch your nose.” Obviously, touching ones nose tends to be easy, so when I do this, she typically says, “See how easy that was? You’re either going to do something or not.”
Who knew Yoda and my analyst had so much in common… other than both being of short stature.
So, when I say I'm “Trying to Conceive”, is it a cop out? Am I sending a subliminal message to my uterus that says I’m not committed to getting pregnant? It’s like when a friend invites you to a party that you have no intention of going to. You say, “I’ll try to make it” but what you really you mean is “There’s no way in hell I’m attending. I’d much rather sit at home and watch PRETTY WOMAN on TBS for the twentieth time.” Hey, don’t judge me. It's a modern day Cinderella story... if Cinderella was a hooker.
I went to a hypnotist a few months ago to see if she could place a more positive attitude into my subconscious. She gave me several visual exercises, one of which was to picture that I’m in a garden and I’m planting seeds into very fertile ground. Within seconds, I am to imagine that these seeds grow into many different, beautiful and colorful flowers. I sincerely love the visualization but in reality, I tend to kill plants. Truly – I am totally lacking a green thumb. I even managed to murder a fake plant one time when I was dusting it.
Putting the fertile garden aside, she also suggested that Sam and I start saying, “We’re working towards getting pregnant” instead of, “We’re trying to conceive”. I liked this suggestion. It’s more proactive and positive sounding. The trouble is I don’t always feel proactive and positive. Sometimes I genuinely feel like we’re doing our best but nothing is working… which is where the word “try” sneaks back into my vocabulary.
Honestly, the quote that I most relate to on the subject of trying comes from Homer Simpson. It goes like this, “Well, you tried and you failed. What’s the lesson? Never try.”
April 2010 was the month we tried our first IVF and it failed. I’m NOT going to say ‘It didn’t work’. It f*cking failed people. At least that’s how it feels. After going through the entire IVF drama and over a year of back to back fertility treatments, we decided to take a break from any medical procedures (i.e. clomid, shots, IUIs, IVFs, etc.). Instead, we’re focusing more on getting back to normal. So, even though we’re having crazy unprotected monkey sex (yeah, you heard me), I really don’t know what to say or what would even be advisable to say. We’re trying? We’re not trying? We’re working on not trying? We’re working towards conceiving through crazy monkey sex? I really don’t know.
As a writer, I definitely believe words have power. I also believe in positive thinking. However, and not to crap on these two statements but to me, the reality is I can sit at home and tell myself over and over again, “I WILL be pregnant” or “I AM pregnant” but do I believe it’s going to help? Ummmm, yeah. I don’t know.
Maybe Sam & I should say, “We’re indifferently attempting to conceive”.
Jesus, that sounds horrible.
I don’t know the answer. It would be fabulous if we could all take Yoda, my therapist and hypnotist’s advice and just eliminate the word "try". Saying, “We’re working towards it...” certainly does make conceiving and pregnancy seem inevitable. If I’m being honest though, I still sincerely feel like I’m “trying", which may be my problem.
I just wish Yoda said something more attainable and helpful. Something like, “May the cervical mucus be with you" or "Crazy Monkey Sex you have, then Baby you will make".
But perhaps that’s just me.