PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Grabbing June by the Balls


Do you remember in fifth grade when they tested your physical ability? You’d run, you’d do sit ups, and they’d try to force you to climb up a rope (for whatever damn reason). Do you remember the chin ups? I could never, ever do chin ups. I still can’t. I vividly remember just hanging there while my gym teacher looked at me with her arms crossed waiting for me to do something. I would offer her one amusing anecdote after another but that didn’t seem to suffice. Typically, after five minutes or so of some quality hanging, she’d let me release the bar and drop defeated to the floor.

This weekend in general, I was in the serious throws of PMS. Every symptom was there: Cramps, backache, headaches, sleeping poorly, craving chocolate and moodier than a bipolar patient off their meds.

Even though we genuinely want to take the summer to have crazy monkey sex, lose some weight (which I’m hoping you can do through the crazy monkey sex) and regroup in general, I still can't help but get sad when I know I’m getting my period. Aunt Flo has become “Exhibit A” in the case I’ve mounted against myself as being a failure. Her arrival is always a reminder of what could have been.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best emotional place when I got an email from one of my friends with pictures of her child. She and I started trying to get pregnant the very same month (not that I'm bitter). She now has a four month old son and I have a several thousand dollar debt. Perhaps I should email her a copy of my invoice for good measure?

Then, on Facebook (or “Fertilitybook” as I like to call it since everyone on there seems to be pregnant or having babies), another good friend of mine posted pictures of her three children. If only I could post the picture my doctor took of the fertilized eggs they transferred for my IVF. It’s a lovely photo; in black and white and the two embryos are side by side. They both even look like me – curvy and fabulous! Still though, aside from the fact that they no longer exist, they really aren’t as cute as my friend’s two-year-old daughter. They may be cuter than Jennifer Lopez’s kids though. Have you seen her kids? WOW. Too bad they look like their father… it’s a shame.

The biggest news from this past weekend was that Sam’s brother and sister-in-law gave birth to their second child; a girl. They started trying for their second kid six months after we started trying for our first (again, not that I'm bitter or anything). Yesterday, they sent me the baby’s first picture. That also happened to be the day Aunt Flo arrived. Despite trying to pass it off as some sort of “Rorschach Ink Blot Test”, I resisted the urge to send them a picture of my period.

Seeing everyone’s families grow, the pictures, the emails, etc. made me feel like I was in fifth grade again hanging from that bar only this time, I wasn’t in gym class. I was in "Fertility Purgatory" being forced to watch everyone else live our dream... just hanging... waiting for something to happen.

It’s like when you order something at a restaurant and you see a member of the wait staff put it on someone else’s table. That’s how I felt this weekend. “Umm, excuse me? I’m sorry but I think you got the baby we ordered?”

Did I mention I'm not bitter?

There really is only one thing to do when you’re feeling stagnant and in the dumps and that’s to come up with a new plan. Get active. Fight the good fight. In short – get super effen pissed off and start kicking ass and taking names.

In my case, I’ve decided to cheat on my usual Reproductive Endocrinologist (a very nice old man who I’m sure means well) and get a second opinion from a respected fertility clinic here in New York City. This shouldn’t be a big deal as it’s my uterus and I can show it to whomever I choose, but I do have a bit of guilt. I honestly don’t know why. I mean, I’ve been with my doctor for awhile now, but it’s not like he put a ring on my finger. Well, if I’m being fair, he did give me a Nuvaring once but that hardly counts.

I’ve left a message with a new fertility clinic and I’ve faxed over a request to my current doctor to ask for a copy of all my records. Perhaps a pair of fresh eyes looking at our case can come up with some explanation as to why we’re not pregnant yet. If not, then hopefully I can at least get a hotter doctor.

I’m also taking herbs that my acupuncturist has recommended, I bought the book, "The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies", I'm eating healthy, I'm taking my vitamins, I’m exercising, and I’m trying (yes, that work again… trying) to not be scared.

I’m scared that they’ll never figure out why we can’t get pregnant. I’m scared that they will find out why we can’t get pregnant and it’ll be something unfixable. I’m scared of spending more money and not getting results. Mostly though, I’m scared it’s never going to happen for us. And if it isn't obvious, I'm also scared of Jennifer Lopez's kids. Seriously - they don't look right (not that I'm bitter...)

What I need is to remember is what my fifth grade gym teacher used to say to us: “It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up.” She also said, “You’re all lazy and probably won’t amount to much.” But I find the first quote far more appropriate and inspirational. Yes, I’ve been knocked down but I’m getting back in the game in the hopes that this time around... I won't get knocked down. I’ll get knocked up.

So, I have a message for the month of June – I’m handing out lollipops and whoop ass… AND I'M FRESH OUT OF LOLLIPOPS!

18 comments:

COME ON BABY said...

I will cross my fingers that some hot doc helps your girl bits and get you a baby ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lowfatlady said...

Love the picture of the little boy and the quote at the end of the entry. We if women rock. We keep getting up and trying again and again even after being knocked down. I'm sorry you kept getting things rubbed into your face. Things just aren't fair. I hope it is our turn soon and that you enjoy your monkey sex ;)

Jenny said...

There is never anything wrong with getting a second opinion.

My gyno was my second opinion (before finally ditching him to go to an RE). My first gyno gave me three months' worth of bcp to "regulate me" and patted me on the back and said, "Don't worry honey the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant" (after three years of no pregnancies). I walked out of the office bawling and no one cared.

I grabbed life by the balls and made it to what I wanted. ie. I told the second gyno on my first visit with him that if he didn't listen to me and do what I wanted I would go elsewhere.
-smiles sweetly-

Good luck hun, you know what's best for you. :)

Slackie O. said...

Step away from the guilt! Would you rather have warm fuzzies for your RE, or some freaking answers?

That's what I thought.

RachelP said...

I've had some serious PMS too this week, AF is working her way in slowy but surely since my D&C in April. Anticipating "bright red blood" so I can call and get my baseline. Although we're waiting on treatment, they still want to do another dye test to make sure there is no damage.

I've had a nasty time with "FertilityBook" this week, counted at LEAST 8 friends who are pregnant.

The Infertility Doula said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's your fertility, you need to take charge and don't sit on the sidelines (your gym teacher would be pissed!). And don't feel guilty. This is the business of making babies so you can take your business somewhere else. I think you're doing the right thing.

Oh, and I love the images you have. Where do you find them?

P.S. I know what my next entry's going to be about -- getting a second opinion.

shufuinjapan said...

You are right, it should so totally be renamed: Fertility Book. I have considered hiding the people who only post pictures of their kids who are not BFFs or anything.

I also hear you about feeling guilty about going to a different doctor. I live in Japan and have a nice doctor who mumbles in Japanese. I think he is competant but he mumbles so it makes it even more difficult to figure out what he is saying and even my Japanese husband has trouble. Now the nurses eaves drop and debrief me after our sessions to make sure I don't get mixed up. Will I move to a new doctor? probably not for now since I have a good thing going with this one even though he mumbles. In your case you are at the IVF stage so it's big business, don't feel bad about taking your money somewhere where you might have a chance to get what you paid for.
That would be nice! To actually get something other than a pain in the butt, vagina etc for all the money we are forking out.
Good luck with your new RE.

Mrs. Type A said...

I could never do a pull up either...maybe there is a correlation between piss poor upper arm strength and infertility....i think i will google it. ;-)

Mrs. Green said...

I LOLed the whole time I read this. I love your humor and glad that you make light of your situation with it.

I know it can be discouraging, but I am glad you are taking charge. A second opinion is always good. Hey, maybe even a third!

Good luck!! And keep us posted!

OliveLEAH said...

just found yr blog today and decided i'm in love with you... in as non-creepy way as possible between one ttc-er to another on the internet. depending on how the next week goes, i also plan on taking june by the balls and making it my bitch. i have you to thank for that. thanks!

sienna said...

you'll get your turn! believe it :o)

btw, a bunch of us have recently decided enough is enough and switched to cornell from our various old clinics. i highly recommend, if you haven't looked into them yet. although, i'm sure this'll be more believable after i get my bfp in july :o)

Misfits said...

I like how you roll. Own it!

My thoughts are so evil when it comes to that kind of baby bullshit. It's all "look what I did." When in fact, it's so much harder for the IF bitches to get pregnant that I sometimes feel like saying, "yeah ANY bitch can have a baby, but for us special ladies it's freaking WORK. My baby cost as much as your car, bitches!" :)

I'm going to get in line when you've got lollipops, 'cause lord help anyone who gets in your way this months with a hot slop of whoop ass ready to be smacked down.

Rachel said...

Please don't feel bad about the second opinion! If we had not seen another doctor, I would have had surgery when the real problem was with my husband's motility and morphology. Seriously, get the second opinion!!!

And I could never do a chin up either. I'm wondering with Mrs. Type A...

irrationalexuberance said...

Funny, I just posted about my guilt about moving on to another RE, also in NYC. I'd love to know who you are talking to, as I could use all the help I can get.

I think your attitude is fabulous -- yeah, youre scared (welcome to the club of real or imagined IF fears controlling your life), but you are coming out swinging. I hope to hell that you knock the shit out of this problem and greet the next month fully knocked up.

Christy said...

Moving on....now that is something I have been contemplating, reading this proved that I need to go with my gut and get that second opinion, a year and a half is long enough to not have any answers. Thanks for the push I needed. Keep up the fight and keep us posted!!

praying4amiracle said...

AF came for me today... on top of that it's my birthday. I have spent thousands on ttc too, and still nothing to show for it. I love the "Fertilitybook" comment...if it's not someone who's PG it's someone showing off their 3 kids!!! We've decided to take a "medical break" not that it's going to help, but I've had more people look at my crotch in the last 9 months than in my lifetime and I'm exhausted and ready to enjoy life again with my DH. Your sense of humor puts a smile on my face even on a day like today. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I needed this laugh. I've been mean to hubby today because he had performance issues today (i'm ovulating and forced him to have sex with me--absolutely forget what making love is these days....)and well, it's VERY frustrating when i'm on all kinds of drugs doing my part and he can't do his...

on top of that, get this--i'm a teen parenting counselor in the inner city.... yes, 14, 15, 16 year olds getting pregnant "on accident." oh, work is glorious these days....

Sara said...

I'm a fellow-traveler in NYC and have a great RE I can recommend if your new one doesn't work out. (though I'm not with child yet). Great, organized office, usually no wait for appts. Comment back and I'll send you the info if you're interested.

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