PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Your Baby’s Name is What?!?

Sometimes, I think of the “Working Towards Conceiving” as one big board game. You roll the dice, you pick up cards (“Insemination Failed – go back 3” or “You Actually Know When You’re Ovulating This Month – Go ahead 1”), you very often get sent back to start but hopefully, somehow, you will end the game knocked up and/or holding a baby. Mind you – I’m not going to actually market this game as losing it would be too sucky but you get the idea.

Along the way, while I play “So You Want To Have A Baby!”, there have been events that have occurred that just seem to fit into a board game mentality. People, places and things that seem so silly that only Mattel or Parker Brothers could have come up with them. These days, it’s the fact that very close friends of ours can’t figure out what to name their 3-month-old baby.

Believe it or not (I know I still don’t), I’ve read my share of articles on “baby name regret”. This is when someone names their kid a name, puts it on the birth certificate, and sends out the announcement only to realize they hate what they named their baby. It apparently happens rather often but I just never wanted to believe it to be true. It just seems to… well… stupid.

In the last few weeks however, our friends Jeff and his wife, Karen, have informed us that they are not sure they like the name they gave their second kid. They are trying out a new name for the next couple of weeks and seeing if they like it better. This means that no one, including the baby, knows what his name is. Fantastic.

I know it’s never beneficial to compare yourself to others but in a series of events that feel specifically designed to torture and annoy me, I’m now adding this latest development to the list. I have been exhausting every possible resource I have to have one kid; a kid that I already have both the first name and middle name for whether it’s a boy or a girl and these people have two kids and can’t figure out what to call the latest. How nice for them.

Look – this is not a Cabbage Patch Doll. This is a human being. Pick a name and stick with it for crying out loud. The way things are going, I’m not entirely sure that after a few months, they aren’t going to change their minds again and decide they want a name that’s more topical to current news events. Heck, they may even decide they don’t like the first kid’s name anymore either. As a parent, nothing is more important than showing commitment and if you can’t even commit to a name, what the hell good are you?

Maybe it’s judgmental. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe you think of a name, really feel it’s the bees knees and then you see the kid and you’re like, “Sebastian! He’s not a Sebastian. He’s more of a Reginald!” I don’t know. I’ve never had a baby (and thanks for bringing that up) but I just can’t wrap my head treating your child’s name the same way you wear a mood ring. “It’s blue. No wait, it’s purple. No… it’s really more of a mauve.

Perhaps I’m overreacting to all this but I’m beat down. Jackson Polyp (my uterine polyp) and Aunt Flo (my bitchy period) have coupled up and are now kicking my ass as a unified unit. I’m bleeding heavily, my cramps are killing me, I’m getting migraines and I’m growing more and more anxious about my surgery next week. Will it hurt? Will it help? Why does removing a polyp entail words like “vacuum” and “scrape”? Can’t we say “exfoliate” and “massage”? I’m not going to a hospital. I’m going to a spa for woman parts. GO WITH ME ON THIS.

Overall, I simply can’t deal with the “We’re not sure what we’re calling our kid” card. I can’t. I’m dangerously close to putting down the board game, taking my playing piece and going the hell home. If I can name my polyp and my period, you can figure out what to call your child. End of story.

23 comments:

Kristin said...

One of my good friends' moms changes his name when he was three YEARS old from Demetrius to Marcus because she "decided he was just not a Demetrius." People are so weird.

Good luck with your surgery next week!

Thank you for always making me laugh with your posts. Not that any of this is really anything to find humorous, but you know what I mean :)

jensays said...

oh gosh darn, it's too hard picking a name?? i would at this point let someone else name my baby if i could just get one.

(what would jen do)

COME ON BABY said...

My friends husband is a twin. Their mother changed their names on their FIRST BIRTHDAY. No shit folks, its true. She decided she wanted twins that had "matching" names so she went from something like Mike and Steve to Harry and Harris. Weird!!
I hope they go easy on your girl parts next week :)

sienna said...

goodluck with your surgery next week!! so hopeful for you that all (or at least most) of your hurdles are gone afterwards.

i have such an original, awesome girl name picked out and if some actress/actor, never mind a real life person, uses it before i get to name my baby girl, i will lose it! ppl who can't pick a name shouldn't have babies. i'm just sayin!!

btw, it never ceases to amaze me what a great writer you are. i feel illiterate in comparison!

the2weekwait said...

Kristin, jensays & COME ON BABY - I can't believe these stories. Especially the Twin thing at one years old! It's just crazy to me!

Sienna - Thank you very much. If an actress/actor gets to it before you, please let me know and we'll track em' down & kick some ass!

Meg Coldwells said...

HILAROUS!!! (as always)
But I do have a baby naming story for you...My older sister (a fertile Myrtle) had 3 girls, all two years apart, she and her husband took turns naming the kids...and the girls all ended up with unisex names, i.e. Taylor, Morgan...you get the picture. Her 4th child was a boy and it was her turn to pick the name...she choose "Chase". That day her (macho/jock)husband went out to lunch with clients, told them about his newborn son and when asked about his baby's name, he responded "Chase", to which one of his clients replied, "Oh...he's going to be a choreographer???" That night the baby's name was changed to Jake.
PS Jake just graduated from HS! LOL

lowfatlady said...

That is crazy, but it does happen. I read medical records for my job. I have seen many official paper work where the parent decides to change the babies name after they are born.

N said...

One of my friends didn't name her child for three months. It drove me nuts and I made up a name for him and used it. He now has a cute name.

StandardSpicyWhatnot said...

Interesting.....
But I know a woman who has a 7yr old who still does not have a name. She is waiting for her to name herself! Yes, she is homeschooled and her legal name at this point is 'Baby so and so (last name)'.
She is a neat kid actually....but whatever, I've met odder people!

Erin said...

True story...there were once twins in our school district name Male & Female Pronounced like Molly and Fe-Molly. Their mom claimed that those were the names that came on their birth certificates.

We also had a little girl called Harschit. Yeah. Say that out loud. Poor kid.

Neither of these parents had any names regrets, though!

Courtney said...

Oh my goodness. We named our third son on the way back home from our FET. I can't imagine going that long without having a name for my child nor would I want to change it either. Ugh.

Tillie said...

holy cow. I think I already have names picked out...my mom {after me} started this whole DW thing with my brothers and sister...including {by my step dad's doing} naming my sister's middle name Whim. Seriously. My stepdad is stupid. He said she happened on the whim of things.

Katherine & Jesus said...

Wtf? I dont have names yet but I know in the near future I will.I will not second guess my names after the kid is born. Thats crazy. Im praying for your procedure, this just puts yall closer to your baby .

C said...

I also already have my kids names picked out, I can't believe people actually change their children's names, crazy!

Heidi said...

thanks for again making me laugh out loud! i needed this after a night with my very fertile and very pregnant and very much older-than-me sister-in-law.

jackson polyp RIP. your time is soon over....

AL said...

You're hysterical, as always. And I agree - you can't pick a name for your kid? Are you f*cking kidding me?

I hope you enjoy (?!) the spa for your lady parts next week. Adios, Jackson Polyp!

DaisyGal said...

I like when you make me LOL and almost swallow whole blueberries instead of chewing them first.

I never did understand how people get all the way to a delivery room in this day and age, mutiple u/s and trips to the dr...PICK TWO FREAKIN NAMES people!!!!! I mean I guess I get the whole "he doesn't look like a PAUL" but to change it...instead of giving him a nickname etc...

It's just not normal and one of the many ways we are soooo spoiled that we are actually think that if we don't like our kids name we can just change it. ARGH!

Jem said...

My friend had an oops baby and it took her and her boyfriend 6 weeks to come up with a name. Pissed me off.

Waiting Lisa said...

I really enjoyed your post, but I have also been loving the comments. I am in shock over people.

the2weekwait said...

Waiting Lisa -- I agree! The comments are FREAKING HILARIOUS! I just can't believe these people exist!!!

Mrs. Type A said...

I totally know how you feel regarding your annoyance over the fact that this couple has a baby and are stressed out over choosing a name. I have a friend (got pregnant the first month they were trying) who had a baby in February...and all she can talk about is getting the kid into "mother's day out" so she can have her "me time"....i almost jump out of my skin every time she talks about what an inconvenience her daughter is. It may actually end up leading to the end of our friendship. Unfortunate, but i just don't know how to respond to that. Glad to know that I am not the only one who gets worn down by these things!!

Leslie said...

This post and the comments are hilarious! I just got 2 baby announcements, and one of my old friends named her baby boy "Lute" (how stupid, huh?) and the next one was an announcement about a "Calliope". I know this is an actual name, but I can't help but picture a circus organ. What is up with these ridiculous musical instrument names??? I would regret those, for sure.

I also had a student (in college!) whose name was "Baby Girl" because her parents never named her (or perhaps simply fancied the name that the hospital provided).

Seriously, though, I can see facing some serious naming indecision myself, so I can't judge too harshly. Finally-- good luck vacuuming and scraping Jackson P. the hell out of dodge.

Jess said...

I just found your blog and you are my new favorite blogger!! This is some great stuff!

Hope your surgery goes well.

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