PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Snow White and the Seven Infertile Dwarfs

I’ve always thought of myself as Snow White. No, I don’t sing into wishing wells (only because we don’t have any in New York City) but I do have very dark hair, light skin, ruby lips (thanks to MAC Cosmetics) and I’ve always had a fondness for apples.

As you know, Snow White had seven dwarfs she hung out with. I guess she figured she couldn’t get a man at the time, so seven dwarfs’ equaled one prince. I’m not sure. I never really got what the hell she was doing with the dwarfs to begin with so that’s just my hypothesis. I mean, I know the Queen was trying to kill her and all but cleaning up after seven guys doesn’t seem like a good hideout plan. Trust me - I briefly crashed in a fraternity house back in the day and it was NOT pretty.

But I digress…

According to Disney, the seven dwarfs in question were named Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, and Sneezy.

In my little trying-to-conceive-fairytale though, I think of them as more emotions than dwarfs. So, according to me, they are named Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Hopeful, Sarcastic, Hormonal and on occasion, Slutty. Whistle while you work indeed Ms. Slutty Dwarf!

Depending on my cycle, my mood, my day or other possible variables, a different dwarf/emotion takes center stage. Sometimes, it’s Grumpy. Other times, it’s Hopeful. Today, it appears to be a visiting dwarf cousin who has a drinking problem. He’s called ‘Embittered’.

Last night, I received a letter from my insurance company that read, “Dear Mommy-to-be: Congratulations!” It went on to describe their pregnancy benefits and included a brochure on where I could deliver my baby. Ummm, what? I just had a hysteroscopy and a D&C. Trust me Blue Cross Blue Shield… my uterus is not only empty, it’s been cleaned, scraped and vacuumed, so what the f*ck with this letter?

Then, last night I dreamed that I was lying down in an examination room when a doctor came in, threw up his hands as if he scored a touchdown and exclaimed, “You’re pregnant!” He looked at me expecting me to be overjoyed.

No, I’m not.” I said. “I have my period.

No really. You’re pregnant. I have two other doctors here who agree with me.” Two other doctors suddenly rush in and stand in their white coats looking at me like a medical version of The Marx Brothers.

Look,” I was getting annoyed. “I don’t care if three out of three doctors say I’m pregnant. I’m not. I have my period. I had a uterine polyp taken out just last month around the time of ovulation so I’m telling you – it’s impossible.

Then, out of nowhere, my therapist made a dramatic entrance and began to enthusiastically sing, “California Gurls” by Katy Perry. That’s when I realized my alarm had gone off and this was very much a dream.

Although I was bummed that I wasn’t pregnant, I was relieved that my therapist hadn’t taken up singing. She can tell you what’s in your subconscious but she could carry a tune to save her life. I’m just sayin’.

After I woke up and shook off my odd dream, I headed to my doctor’s office for my post operative appointment. As I waited in the waiting room with several other fertility challenged folks, a couple came in with two toddlers. You could immediately feel the tension in the room. All eyes were on the kids and the air quickly filled with jealously. You can’t exactly blame the couple for bringing their kids but it did feel like a thin woman had just shown up to Weight Watchers meeting and proceeded to eat one donut after another in front of us. Ouch.

After an hour wait with the infertiles and the two unintentionally antagonizing children (doesn’t that sound like a band? "Ladies and gentlemen, The Infertiles and the Two Unintentionally Antagonizing Children!"), I was relieved to finally get called in to see the doctor. I was told that my tests were normal, the polyp was non-cancerous and that I have the go ahead to try and get pregnant on my own for the next few months.

This is all good news but I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to work this time? I’ve been trying for over a year and a half. I’m well into my thirties, my husband’s sperm count is on the low side, we’ve done several inseminations and an IVF and nothing has worked. Was it really the elusive uterine polyp holding up the process or is it some other currently undiagnosed problem? I wish I knew.

Mirror, mirror on the wall… who’s the most fertile of them all?

At this point, like Snow White, I wouldn’t mind having a nice long sleep in a clearing in a forest somewhere. Dwarfs and woodland creatures could look after me… or at the very least, give me a spa treatment. I could woke up to my husband’s kiss, be knocked up and the evil Queen (a.k.a. “Aunt Flo”) would leave me the hell alone while Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Hopeful, Sarcastic, Hormonal and Slutty all rejoiced.

Hey -- who doesn’t love a happy ending?

27 comments:

sienna said...

ugh, my biggest pet peeve at the moment is when couples bring their babies to the clinic. i can *kinda* get it if you have no childcare and the woman comes with the child. but if hubby is coming as well, clearly HE could be childcare, so wtf are you doing bringing your kid? hubby and kid should stay home.

i'm always grumpy lately, with a little bit of delusional mixed in. i think your slutty dwarf is going to get you knocked up on the soonish side. or at least, that's what i'm hoping for ya! sloper told me who your doc was back when she was deciding, so i think you're in excellent hands. he'll get you knocked up for sure. have faith :o)

the2weekwait said...

Sienna -- I couldn't help but think the same thing. If they were BOTH there, why were the kids? Maybe they were all going somewhere afterwards? No clue. And yes, he's a great doctor so that's something VERY encouraging this time around. Hopefully, Slutty will come in handy! LOL!

Josey said...

I love the analogy. :)

C'mon Slutty - get working on that BFP!

Amber said...

The most fertile of us all is Michelle Duggar! You are such a joy to read. I hope it works out for all of us and soon!

Heidi said...

how do you think of these things? seriously, you're brilliant! i'm mostly bitter, sad, and grumpy this week, so thanks for the pick-me-up. i got an email today from sis-in-law complaining about her pregnancy. i nearly threw myself out the window...

on a positive note, i've been hearing crazy tons of stories about women ttc forever and then getting pregnant on their "break" from treatment. cheers to you getting preggers on your own (yes, i'm drinking already--one of those days...) ;)

Waiting Lisa said...

Ok, so, this may sound weird but I have been thinking of you a lot. When I had polyps removed, the pathology results were not good. They found pre-cancerous cells. (It was the beginning of the hell I have been through all these years.) I was completely blindsided. It never occured to me to even worry about pathology results.

So ever since you told us about jackson polyp, I was secretly worried for you. (Even though I know the chances are very low.) I didn't want to tell you b'c I didn't want to worry you. So I have been thinking about you and worrying and hoping, hoping, hoping for good news. That's why I asked you the other day about your follow up appointment.

I am so happy you are okay.

(Sorry if this comment is creepy, but I really do care about you.)

Nadine @ BDG said...

sweet two week, you may have just written the most complex work I've read in a long time. And I agree with Waiting-- I'm thinking good thoughts about the results and hoping that with jp out of your life, things are on the upswing.
Big HUG

Katie said...

I'm still laughing about Slutty dwarf, even though I'm also appalled by the letter you received from your insurance company. So many different reactions here! But, above all else, I'm so glad that you are okay and I truly hope your happy ending is in the very near future. Put that Slutty dwarf to work! ;)

Nadine @ BDG said...

And the security word on that last comment was 'gestive'-- perhaps a sign.

Krissi said...

Oh I like the fairy tale analogy! Especially the sexy dwarf! So funny!
I hope all goes well for trying on your own! And WTF about the insurance mail?!?!
I was one of those horribly annoying parents at the clinic. I brought my daughter (conceived from IVF) when I was trying for baby #2...and I often wondered what people thought and if they immediately resented me. I do remember seeing a woman bring her 3 kids to each appointment and thinking WTF?! I guess it's all in the way you look at things! Happy ICLW #45 & 46

Mrs. Type A said...

Loved this post! I do sometimes feel like i have at least seven distinct personalities depending on the day (or maybe hour....minute?) This was a great analogy!

the2weekwait said...

Thank you... and I knew Slutty Dwarf was going to be fan favorite... simply because I know she lives in all of us. :) LOL!
And Amber -- good call on Michelle Duggar. I don't know how I missed that!
I also HAVE to send extra love to Waiting Lisa --you are such a doll. I sensed you were concerned and I so appreciated you checking up on me. You know you're in my thoughts and I really hope you're two year wait comes to a happy conclusion soon.
My appreciation to each of you... Nadine, Katie, Heidi and Josey. xoxo

the2weekwait said...

Mrs. Type A -- Thank you... and frankly, I think I have more than 7!
Krissi -- Much appreciation. And I'm sure she had a good reason and I didn't want to judge. I just think the rest of us were jealous plain and simply. It's tough all around. I suppose we should look at it as inspirational as she must have had issues too and ended up with two kids. :)

Doogie said...

When I was in for my IUI the time before last, a woman was there with her mother and two kids. I was friendly, but I was thinking, "couldn't your mother have stayed home with your children while you had whatever you were getting done?"

Now I know, intellectually she might have needed her mother to drive her, but here's the thing about summer. There are all sorts of teen babysitters available all freaking day.

Find one.

Remember you were there too and have a little compassion.

Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, I'm glad you're not cancerous. That's always good to hear even if you didn't think you were cancerous. Confirmation is good.

Jo said...

I think kids at a fertility clinic is a major taboo. I mean, really. Find a damn sitter, or reschedule.

Hugs,
Jo

conceptionallychallenged said...

I love the dwarf fraternity comparison!
For those who bring their kids to RE appointments, can't they at least dress them in "IVF-Miracle" t-shirts? To make us a bit more hopeful.
Now, go and have fun, slutty dwarf! May that clean uterus be receptive!

The Infertility Doula said...

As always, you're spot on! And showing up with your kids to an infertility clinic is just not ok. In fact, I think there's a sign there that says kids aren't allowed in the exam room. Well, I think it's time for Hopeful Dwarf to make an entrance soon as you get back on the TTC horse.

Kakunaa said...

How have I never been to your page???? You are simply fantastic, and you can bet I will be back. If I wasn't Sleepy today I think I would have peed myself. And the last post...sigh. I understood that one all too well. Happy ICLW!

Kelly said...

I'm totally bunking with Hormonal Dwarf today.

Nice post!

AL said...

You are so hysterical.

Loved the analogy of the skinny chic eating donuts at weight watchers to kids at a fertility clinic. Loved.

Hopeful for you that the polyp was the only hang up and a few months in the sack is all you two need to get pregnant.

DaisyGal said...

Oh Snow White, we all need better dwarves!!!!

here's hoping that all the "good" news turns into a BFP news in the weeks to come. Dream of not, it's the happy ending I want for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you HAVE to bring your child with you to the clinic. Just because you can conceive one child doesn't mean you don't have the same feelings as everyone else. Ever heard of secondary Infertility???? We have been trying for baby #2 for almost a year....several months of clomid and currently on the 2ww after IVF. Very frustrating as every test has been normal for both me and my husband. Our daughter was conceived on round 2 of clomid.....so I think that the frustration is even higher when trying to conceive a second time with no success.....especially when my body has done it before....so why now isn't it cooperating????

Tomorrow is my blood test and I will be bringing my daughter with me...Firstly as a Good Luck Charm and secondly because I have no childcare....

so those out there upset about people bringing there children to the clinic need to get over it...

foxinthehenhouse said...

Great post Jay! I agree - I think there are more than seven dwarves living in my head at the moment. Although I can't seem to find Slutty anywhere lately....

On the subject of kids at the RE's office... maybe we should ALL have a bit more empathy/sympathy. Sometimes there are no childcare options and I have to respect that. However, I'm not convinced that everyone even tries to find child care. Most doctors don't like it when their patient brings his/her kids - not just REs. It distracts everyone and makes it more difficult to provide quality medical care to the patient when the patient is constantly having to turn around and say "Don't touch that!"
So while I have to respect the fact that sometimes you have to bring your kids with you I can also respectfully ask that you try not to have to. And again, most doctors ask that as well.

Marci said...

Secondary infertility is obviously a big problem (although it sounds like anon doesn't have it. My understanding of it is that your can conceive the first child unaided by the second one, not so much. If you can't ever conceive without aid, I think that's still primary infertility no matter how many children you end up with.), but I think it's unreasonable for anon to imply that it's the problem of the childless to "get over it."
Bring 'em or don't, but own up to what you're doing. You're bringing your children into an environment of people who are going to be jealous of your success. They're going to look at your children with wonder, envy, jealousy, desire...all that stuff.
And they're going to look at you as a heartless wench even though they suspect that you've gone through the same feelings that they have, maybe because you've been through the same things they have and are still flaunting your children among the childless.
The mere fact that you refer to first child as a "Good Luck Charm" to help conceive the second indicates that you're aware of that. But instead of owning it and saying, "You know, I wish I had childcare or I could be more sensitive to the people who are still struggling to reach what I have, but I need to have my child near me to remind me of what I'm working for and I hope that you'll all be there someday." you try to reframe the problem as a defect in the observer. That's patently unfair.

Krystal said...

I hate snotty comments. You think someone who has suffered infertility would be considerate, but shockingly there's always someone who doesn't give a crap it seems. I suffered primary infertility (2 1/2 years and one miscarriage) and am suffering secondary infertility now (3 1/2 years 2 miscarriages) and although there's times I have to take my son with on appointments (usually it's where I get blood work done and rush in with him and out with him as soon as possible) I try to make sure he's taken care of and leave him with someone when I can.

Why? Because I remember how it felt. I remember how it was to see a person bring their toddler in while I just had a miscarriage not too long ago. I remember those feelings and still deal with them daily.

I do agree with those who said they should dress their child in a shirt. "Infertility miracle", "Clomid success", "Rainbow baby" or something like that probably would make it less painful to see. Kind of a reminder that some of us do struggle.

I do understand how sometimes you just cannot help bringing them.. but I think people need to take more consideration on how they do it.

Lisa Thayne said...

Personally, I have secondary infertility, and I would never bring my son to the clinic. I can just imagine the times I sat in the doctor's office, in the middle of yet one more miscarriage - sitting next to pregnant women and newborns. As happy as you are for other people, you still grieve for yourself, and you need that time to do so. I was fortunate not to have any problems conceiving my son. This time, it's a complete night and day difference, and we may never carry a baby to term again. I want to share the happy times with my son - not this struggle (though he knows what we're going through). Personally, I would find another good luck charm - just out of compassion for those around you.

Anonymous said...

Actually it is secondary Infertility whether you conceived your first child with help or without…..after trying for sometime and getting lucky on Clomid I had the same feelings others do….will it happen for me or won’t it? And it did…I cherish my daughter and she actually has no idea that we are struggling with this because she is our priority….while our goal is to give her a sibling it is more so our goal to make sure she knows she is most important. She is my Good luck charm….not just with this but with everything in my life!

Please don’t misunderstand me. I have compassion. I am just defending myself. I do not bring my daughter to every appointment…just those that I absolutely have NO childcare for. Those appointments are quick blood tests anyway…and it doesn’t seem to be just me…I see quite a few patients at my clinic that bring their child(ren) and usually when I do bring her I bury myself in a corner so I don’t bother others with “stop that’s and don’t touch that’s”

It seems that this is the one thing that we have no control of…and it is so frustrating! From the moment you start meds to the transfer, then the dreaded 2ww. It all really stinks….unless you get that BFP that we all hope for.

And the only reason I listed myself as anonymous is because it was one of the choices….not for any other reason

Good luck to all of us…and TONS AND TONS OF BABY DUST!!!

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