PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sorry I Apologize So Much

Regular readers of my blog know that it’s been over a year or so that we had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn’t until this past June, that we found out that for almost that entire time we’d been having monkey sex, inseminations and an IVF, I had a uterine polyp foiling our very best efforts. Well, at least we suspect he’s the cause but that remains to be seen.

As of July 8th however, I am officially polyp-less. “Jackson Polyp” has been removed and much to my chagrin, he did NOT weigh forty pounds. Hey – a girl can dream. That would have been WAY better than dieting.

Between not sleeping well the night before my hysteroscopy D&C (D & C stands for a virtual “dusting” and “cleaning” of the uterus), waking up at the ungodly hour of 5am and the anesthesia, my memory of the day is rather fuzzy. Here’s what I can recall:

  •  I remember throwing on a cotton sundress from Target as it was seasonal, clean, festive and nightgown-like.
  • I remember changing into a hospital gown (not as seasonal or festive but certainly clean) and having to tell the nurse, anesthesiologist and my doctor how much I actually weigh. I am dedicating an entire therapy session solely to that.
  • I remember when I got into the operating room, them asking me to count down from 100 and by the time I got to 98, I was out. Why they patronized me by having me start from 100 is beyond me. They should just say ‘Count down from 3’ or simply ‘See ya on the other side’ and laugh maniacally.
  • Lastly, I remember not being able to wake up in recovery. No really, I kept sleeping and sleeping. I never knew I was good at impressions but apparently, I have “Sunny Von Bulow, The Coma Years” down pat.
Due to my inability to regain a full level of consciousness, they basically poured me into a wheel chair and then poured me into our car. I proceeded to sleep through the ride home and somehow, managed to get up the stairs to our apartment and continued sleeping until 5pm that night. When I woke up, I was magically back in my sundress. Ta da! For my next trick, I’ll pull a polyp out of my vagina!

For the next few hours, if I lay down – I got a migraine. If I sat up – I got nauseous. If I stood up – I got dizzy. It was around the second hour of this position purgatory that I seriously began to wonder if perhaps I should have just kept the damn polyp and raised him as my very own.

Happily, by the next morning, I was feeling better and was more alert. Alert enough to tell my husband something I had wanted to say ever since we found out about Mr. Polyp, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” he asked.

“Sorry for the whole polyp thing. If that’s been the hold up, then, well, it was my fault.”

Sam looked at me for a second as if I were nuts, which he does often. After a moment, he sarcastically replied, “Yes. Please try not to develop a uterine polyp again, would you?”

I’m not sure when or where it started but basically; I feel like most everything is my fault. Whether it’s the delay in conceiving, that we don’t have more money, that initially I may have picked the wrong doctor, that I’m not thinner, that I’m not prettier, that I can’t cook a decent meal, that it rained on my wedding day, that Lindsay Lohan can’t seem to get her act together, that I can’t cure cancer or that people are unhappy anywhere in the world. It’s all me… my fault.

You had a bad day? Sorry about that.

LOST is no longer on the air? My apologies.

You can’t get pregnant? I’m sure I had something to do with it.

Mel Gibson is a sexist, racist lunatic? Yeah, my bad.

I honestly think one of the phrases I say the most throughout my day is, “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry your conference call didn’t work. I’m sorry I got lost on the way to your house. I’m sorry you can’t find your keys. I’m sorry you walked in on me while I was in a bathroom stall. I’m sorry I don’t know the answer to your question. I’m sorry you have the wrong number. I’m sorry that I apologize so much.

I don’t know if it’s guilt or that I feel like I can’t do anything right but any which way, all of this apologizing is exhausting. It’s also slightly arrogant to think that I have that much control over the universe really. If I did, trust me – things would be different. I’d be writing this blog while sitting in my mansion looking like Salma Hayek.

Obviously, it’s not my fault that I had a polyp and it’s not my fault that we didn’t know about it until recently but still, I can’t help but feel bad about it. If it’s any consolation though, I am sorry I feel bad about it.


Anonymous said...

I am happy to hear that everything went well with the eviction of "Jackson Polyp". I am also one that feels like everything is my fault. My DH hates it very much, I am always saying sorry.

D said...

Oh how I understand that. My husband looks at me all the time (also often like I am crazy) and asks me why the hell I am apologizing to him for something. "Why are you sorry my shoe lace broke?" Um, I don't know.

All that aside, I am happy to hear Jackson Polyp is gone. Hopefully he's cleared the way for something else to grow in there.

Secret Sloper said...

Congrats on being polyp free!

I get the rampant apologies. I apologized just last night to LG for getting my period. Because I had so much control over whether or not this happened.

I really things improve tremendously for you after this.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you had a polyp and that I have a small one that I'm a little nervous about. However, yours is gone!! That means now you can focus on getting pregnant soon!

Misfits said...

I have to edit that word a lot. Someone told me that it's a particularly female trait and in business, you can't apologize for crap, even it it's your fault. My hubs is king o' avoiding apology and is a weasel to catch ACTUALLY mailing an apology. That said, I feel guilty all the time for a lot of the same reasons. Yeah, I didn't kick those embies out of my uterus, but it does feel like that. Lots of "Im sorry I can't make these boogers cook!"

It's good to be empathetic. I just worry that I cross that like to pure pathetic. Glad Mr-Jackson-if-Yer-nasty is out of your life. He was just bad news.

Josey said...

I was JUST saying this to @Preggoinpearls today - how it seems those in the IF community constantly feel the need to apologize. It's our fault it took so long or cost so much money or forced our husbands to BD every other night for weeks... and if we are lucky enough after all that to see a BFP (like @Preggoinpearls) and then experience any sort of morning sickness, etc, the IF apologizes again for being miserable. Sometimes I wish I was a "fertile" that had no problem complaining about things without apologizing and feeling responsible for it all...

At any rate, congrats on being polyp-free!

Courtney said...

ImSorry should just be welded together and formed into my vocabulary because I say it ALL the time.

I must say my dear friend, I'm a little disappointed to not read about you wearing a sun hat with your adorable sundress. *hugs*

You rock I hope you know that. You are seriously an amazing person and I know that having Jackson out of you will make things happen for you two.

Katherine & Jesus said...

I am so glad you are doing well! AND NO its not your fault silly goose. Now it is time to be positive (as much as humanly possible) and make that baby!

Katrina said...

That was so beautifully written, and I felt like you were reading my mind. Thank you for making me feel less alone.

Jo said...

You mentioned this briefly last week in another post, and it rang true with me then. It still does. Why some of us feel the need to apologize for things blatantly beyond our control is beyond me -- but I do it too. Kudos to you for recognizing that it really ISN'T your fault, and lots of big hugs coming your way.


Anonymous said...

Hahaha, I do the same thing! "Sorry" is definitely the word I say most often throughout the day. It drives my husband crazy. I'm glad you are feeling well and that you are finally polyp-less. Here's hoping that Jackson is gone for good!

AL said...

I do this too, it's really quite stupid and a waste of breath isn't it? But I also can't seem to stop it.

Here's hoping that Jackson Polyp was the source of all your fertility problems - and you'll never have to apologize for your uterus again.

Anonymous said...

lol! You are incredibly funny! You know I also feel that I'm apologizing all the time, like a scratched record. I hope that horrible polyp stays away - I've had way to many and I dread them coming back!

Kelly said...

You've got a way with words, lady... I laughed like three times while reading this post.

I really hope that getting Jackson taken out will help things a ton.

sienna said...

rain on your wedding day is supposed to be good luck!! so, considering the bad luck of the last year, i'd say you're definitely due for some good stuff to happen this year.

dh and i overapologize to each other all the time. "i'm sorry i don't ovulate". "i'm sorry my sperm sucks". oh, what a pair we make.

don't be so hard on yourself. you've had shitty looks. it's bound to turn around :o)

DaisyGal said...

oh god, I could have totally written this post, in fact my mom had an "Intervention" with me over the 4th of July weekend about my constantly saying "sorry" everything bad in the world was my fault.

when it comes to IF, I tell John all the time, I'm sorry we waited so long to do IVF, I'm sorry we're broke because of it, I'm sorry you left your first wife, you could be living in a great house wiht babies made the old fashion way instead of broke with me and twins that are driving us nuts. :) See. I get you.

but it's not your fault, it's not my fault (and I say it often , I'm working on it) it's just what life threw at us.

glad Jackson is gone...and you are feeling better. Stop blaming yourself and get on with the business of getting PG. :)

Honey B. said...

Are you Catholic?? ;-)

I agree with Misfits, its such a female thing! I'm working at not saying it so much at work too, it doesn't fly well in finance when there is always SOMEthing going wrong...

Mrs. Type A said...

That was a great blog and I agree there is something about not being able to have a baby that makes women feel less confident about everything else. Therefore, everything else that goes wrong must somehow be our fault. Hopefully by getting all of your feelings about this onto "paper" through the blog will help you realize that everything is NOT your fault and it's really Lindsey Lohan's fault that she's such a f-up!!

Kristin (kekis) said...

No need to be sorry. However, if you go pulling a polyp out of your vag - and it's really 40 pounds - then you WILL be sorry!!

Anonymous said...

You make it sound hilarious. I think I used to apologize too much too, until H told me at some point that [whatever I was sorry for] wasn't my fault, and he was right. Also, I think Misfits has a good point -- I work with almost only guys so maybe the habit got lost because no-one else apologizes so much either.

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