PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Etch A Sketch Conception

When I was a kid, I loved Etch-A-Sketch. I loved the idea of taking a clean slate, putting whatever the hell I wanted on it (even though I could never work those effen’ knobs the way I wanted to) and then, when everything looked like a big mess, shaking it clean again.

I think it’s time to shake my internal Etch-A-Sketch clean.

Let’s briefly review: My name is Jay and I’m a freelance writer in the Big Apple. I’ve married another writer; who is adorable and possess the cutest butt you ever did see (not that that’s relevant but I just like mentioning it). We got married two years ago and in that time, fertility issues and financial crap from the fertility issues have attempted to sh*t on our dreams. Trust me – that’s the nicest way I could put it.

We’ve gone through more ovulation prediction kits than I care to remember, three inseminations (one on Valentine’s Day… how romantic!), one IVF, an incompetent asshole doctor, insurance bills up the ying yang, and one recent uterine polyp removal.

I’ve been to acupuncture, a hypnotist, and a spiritual healer. I’ve tried cough syrup, baby aspirin, raspberry tea, evening primrose oil and bargaining with both god (if he could get the Virgin Mary knocked up, you’d think he could help my sorry ass out) and the devil… depending on my mood and hormone levels.

Almost everyone we know has gotten pregnant in the last few years (or at least it feels that way) and some even got pregnant more than once without issue. Despite it not being the best attitude, I remain bitter about this and will most likely continue to feel bitter about it. I like my tea with Spelnda and I like my blog with bitter. That’s just the way it is.

That brings us to today. It’s my second cycle after having my uterine polyp (today’s Cycle Day four for those playing along at home). Last cycle, even though it was the first time trying without my polyp, I was still working through my feelings from the past year and a half, plus, I had fallen out of practice in all my ‘trying to conceive’ efforts. “What days do I start peeing on the ovulation prediction stick again? What’s the happy face mean? Did I take my temperature? Where the hell did I put that thermometer? Wait, that’s not a thermometer!

After my “polypectomy”, my uterus was clean (so to speak) and ready to begin again, but clearly, I wasn’t. This working towards getting pregnant thing can take a lot of you especially when it does NOT go smoothly. I needed a moment emotionally and psychologically. I am feeling better though these days. My funny bone has healed, I remembered that I actually like sex (funny how these things slip you mind) and dammit – I just want to enjoy this again.

So I’m shaking the last two years off and cleaning my ‘Trying-to-Conceive-Etch-A-Sketch ’. I’m treating myself well, keeping expectations in check (as you may have read in my last blog entry), I’m focusing on the positive (while still indulging in the occasional bitterness), I’m getting the candles, thermometer and ovulation prediction kits out, and I’m hoping for the best. If this month doesn’t work, I may have to start thinking about why I liked the Slinky and if there’s anything metaphorical about it to getting knocked up!

16 comments:

Josey said...

Amen. This is a good reminder to us all.

As much as I liked this post, I hope to God you don't need to think up a slinky analogy next month.

Slackie O. said...

Love it! Shake it up baby!

Lisa said...

It's really good to take a step back and look at things with a fresh eye, which I think is what you mean about the clean Etch-A-Sketch. I agree wholeheartedly with your attitude. No matter what has gone on in the past two years, nothing is written in stone while you still have ovaries and a uterus.

I feel like I am living proof of that; having had a late pregnancy that a doctor called a fluke after much heartache, medical investigations and treatment.

In much the same way as your Etch-A-Sketch, I have picked myself up and moved, literally, around the world in order to shake things up a bit. I get a crazy idea, plan it, set out, cry copious amounts of tears from excitement and fear and then just do it. It has never been negative, leading me to believe that when you shake things up, something amazing is bound to come out of it.

Keep going! Don't lose hope. Don't lose attitude. Believe; and have fun with your Etch-A-Sketch (I love them too).

Kakunaa said...

I like this etch-a-sketch idea :) go have some fun candlelit sex!

Tara dS said...

Infertility sucks. There is nothing to say that can make it better. I read this book the other day in which the author said that if she had to choose between cancer and infertility, she would choose cancer. (She is a cancer survivor.) Makes you think. Good luck this cycle.

lowfatlady said...

I hope this cycle is the one for you :)

BabyMakingDiary said...

Never hurts to shake things up a bit. Fingers crossed for you this cycle (and don't take this the wrong way but polypectomy is a great word!)

InfertileNaomi said...

Why would you need an ovulation predictor kit? Just take my approach, have sex with your husband every other day for the last F$&king THREE years. It's hot.

jennifer said...

Hm. I just made a big huge pile of all my TTC-related items. OPKs, vitamins, books, thermometer. Don't even want to look at it. Good for you for getting back in the groove. (eee!) And, yeah, sex is for the enjoying. Shake it up. Yum.

Natalie said...

I know what you mean about taking a fresh look at things. After my "false positive" non-polypectomy I'm trying to clear my mind and move on too. I knew that money would be thrown out the window once we decided to get help with our infertility, I just didn't expect to throw out so much so quickly. But that's my life right now. Just pick my self up, shake it off and try again. I always end up thinking of Dorie in "Finding Nemo" -- "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

Glass Case of Emotion said...

What a great post! Shake it up, stay positive and try to see the good. That's what I am working on too. :)

Happy ICLW-
Jess (#74)

Stephanie said...

I love the analogy! IF can definitely be taxing on your mind and body. Shake it up!

ICLW #92

fertilefaith said...

One day really soon you'll be writing a whole different blog about motherhood...can't wait to read it. Hang in there!

Mrs. M said...

I love this post! Well said.

stacie said...

This is a great way to look at it! I think I need to try the same thing. Thank you for this.

The Infertility Doula said...

Thought of you when I saw this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/31/best-etch-a-sketch-art_n_700799.html#s133185

Post a Comment