PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Aunt Flo Again… Naturally

There are good moods and there are bad moods. Then, there’s the mood I’m in today. If there were a color coated system of my moods, it would be on flaming pissed off red right now. Everyone – you’re on high alert! Grab your duct tape and find a safe house!

On Saturday morning, my temperature dipped. Many don’t believe in the temperature taking system to track ovulation, implantation and pregnancy but it’s rarely been wrong for me. I just wish that basal thermometer didn’t just show you what your temp is in a cold, hard, impersonal font. I wish it had an audio feature that broke it to you gently. “I’m sorry kitten. Your temperature dipped. It didn’t work out this time. If I had arms, I’d hug you but alas, I don’t. If you want to put me back in your mouth though, I’ll do my best to taste like chocolate to cheer you up.”

Even though I knew the temperature drop wasn’t great, it was still above the cover line so I was still holding out hope. It was when I saw some spotting that night that I knew the party was over… or at the very least, it was happening in someone else’s uterus.

Every time I get my period, it means I’m signing up for four more weeks of torture. It’s a f*cked up monthly renewal plan. I get my period and then my body asks, “Do you want to renew peeing on ovulation tests, having timed intercourse, getting blood work, the hellacious two week wait and then fail again?” Seriously. What’s a girl got to do to get the pregnancy subscription? I’m done with the trying to conceive membership. The fees and disappointment have been too costly.

There sincerely were a few moments in the week leading up to my period where I really could taste the success. I could see me peeing on a stick and actually getting a positive result for once in my life. I pictured telling my friends, the maternity outfits I’d wear and how incredibly happy I’d be. In retrospect, I’m ticked at myself for getting that hopeful. I know better. I just had a feeling about this cycle but obviously, my feelings are not to be depended upon. They are as reliable as a generic fortune cookie or a bad psychic. “You’ll meet someone who will have a last name..."

So many people, including myself, thought that removing the polyp that took up residence in my uterus, a squatter if you will, would mean I’d be pregnant in no time but this was the second month polyp-free and still nothing. Could one more cycle be the key? Is there something else we’re missing now? AM I EVER GOING TO GET PREGNANT WITHOUT LOSING ALL MY MONEY AND MY SANITY?

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor and we’ll discuss options. Do I try one more cycle on our own or do I go back to doing inseminations? I know my doctor would love to just go ahead and do invitro but I simply don’t have the money. It’s utterly depressing to spend your hard earned money on things that aren’t successful. I’ve almost drained all our finances to cover three inseminations and one disastrous IVF simply to fail and frankly, I appear to be failing quite fine without paying any money, thank you very much.

I will see what he says and once again, try to get pregnant. At this moment though, I’m just one unhappy, resentful, pissed off woman. You’ve all been warned. Take cover.

22 comments:

Stacy said...

I'm sorry. I totally understand what you are going through as I had "multiple" polyps removed from the lining of my uterus a couple of months ago too! I really thought that the following month I would get pregnant, but sadly I didn't. So, here I am, on my second IUI and hoping for the best. ((big hugs))

Bobbi Johnson said...

I'm really sorry!!! Don't you hate how we allow ourselves to always get our hopes up, even when we know better? Maybe it'll only take one more month! Maybe that's all you need. I always tell myself, "Okay, next month is the month," and then it doesn't happen. Where's our crystal ball when we need it? But then again, would you really want to know? I would've been one bitter person the past two years if I had known I wouldn't be pregnant after two years of trying. Hope is what makes getting through infertility possible.

egghunt said...

I'm so sorry. Don't beat yourself up for being hopeful, hope is what we run on around here so it's always going to be there. I so wish this cycle had a different ending for you and I'm really sorry. Take care of yourself and I hope your consult with your Dr tomorrow goes well, its so hard when money is a big barrier. (hugs)

Rain Child said...

I am so sorry. I felt like you did last cycle...and it sucks. You got to keep hoping, though...it's hope (and medical science) that will get us through.

Eny said...

Girl, I feel your pain! Every month I try not to get my hopes high, but I can't resist the temptation of thinking about celebrating, and wearing maternity clothes and stuff like that. Then around ovulation I try to calm myself saying that even if it doesn't happen this time, I can be happy with my life, I can travel more, I can party more (blah blah) and I try to be positive and not angry with pregnant women....and then my period comes and I cry and I'm angry and depressed and I forget eveything I promised while I was sane :)
Yesterday went to a party where everybody was either pregnant (4 preggos) or had kids and brought them along.. and they couldn't talk about anything else but babies, kids, and that I will be the next one, and I should be the next one, and when am I going to be the next one? I wanted to punch them in their big fat stomach! Bitches! But anyways... Life is not easy! Infertility is not easy! being positive is not easy.. matter of fact.. it's f@cking hard!!! But the other alternative (being negative and depressed) in a long run is more painful and not worth it. I'm not saying that it will happen someday, just relax.... But what I'm saying is that I know your pain way too well, and as everything, this shall pass too! Love ya

Kakunaa said...

I'm so sorry :( And if you figure out a way to get thermometers to do that, you'll be a rich woman and can then afford the treatments...it's a thought. HUGS. Let us know what doc says.

Michelle said...

*hugs* this sucks so bad! Do something nice for yourself this week.
I hope the doctor has good solutions for you. Infertility sucks out loud.

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I am sorry this cycle didn't work. I had high hopes. I could never get into doing the temperature thing. I wasn't very good at it. I so know what you mean about thinking about everything you have to go through again once af shows.

Tara dS said...

What really sucks about infertility for me is the helplessness. With most things in life, there is usually some way you can take control... if your job sucks or you're not making enough money, you can quit and get a new one. If you're not in a relationship and want to be, there are ways you can meet people. But if you just don't get pregnant, month after month, no matter how hard you try, it feels so frustrating and helpless. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I hope your BFP comes very, very soon.

Dandle Dreams said...

What a difficult day. I lived with that thermometer by my side for two years, and a VIP Fertility Friend membership to boot. Now my progesterone supplements hide any clues I could get from it. I wish I knew what the answer was...

sienna said...

*hugs*. this sucks, but i'd like to think that 3rd time's the charm?? hoping that for my own case as well. go booze it up this weekend, eat everything you shouldn't when you're pregnant, and at least momentarily, feel better? personally, i'd prefer if someone just handed me a slip of paper with a legit due date, and then i can go live my life until then.

Mrs. M said...

I was literally thinking something similar to this last night when AF showed up for me this weekend. It's okay to be pissed off at the world sometimes and thank you for showing me that I'm not alone.

Don't give up hope. It will happen for you - I just know it.

First and Only said...

that really sucks - I am so sorry. everyone says you have to stay positive, but I do all the same things you described - think about about what it would be like to tell people, picture myself in maternity clothes, etc. - and then when you get the bad news it is even more of a let down. I've even tried to "trick" the thermometer by waiting until i'd gotten out of bed (maybe even had a hot shower) just to see a higher temperature and hold onto hope for another day.
I hope you get your good news soon.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain... I stupidly allowed myself to hope this would be the month but ended up getting a visit from that bitch Aunt Flow the exact same day my co-worker delivered her healthy perfect UNPLANNED for baby... I don't know what I did but, I must have pissed off the Karma Police at some point...

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry. I totally get the "four more weeks of torture" thing. I also get the depression that goes with spending so much hard-earned money on a bunch of uncomfortable procedures and heartache that gets you nowhere in the end. It's like a huge weight on your chest and you desperately want to chuck that thing off you.

I really hope your time comes soon. Much good luck to you in this next damn cycle.

Patty said...

I got married later in life, and before he finally showed up (I always tell him he was late) I felt a lot like I do right now. In love, and infertility, it is the complete loss of control...You can do everything right, work hard, be a good person, etc., but it doesn't change the outcome. Even with medical science to help you, there is a certain amount of luck involved in both. I know it doesn't help. It sucks. I wish I could send you the magic answer...Here is my best substitute...I think and pray for you (and all of us) that a baby will come to you soon. I am looking forward to a blog titled 'BFP'. Even though you can't hope right now, I am still hopeful for you. Sharing your story has been important to so many, I know you're a mother already.

CD 3...Rest, feel sorry for yourself, eat chocolate, pray, recover...

Then, kick that damn aunt OUT!!!

stacie said...

I'm so sorry. I totally feel your pain about the polyp - I thought getting mine removed was the answer to all my problems, and it was hugely disappointing when the months kept passing. I hope the next cycle is the one for you.

Katherine & Jesus said...

I am very sorry, and I honestly like so many feel your pain. You are in my prayers.

flossbaby said...

With my own Day 1 being yesterday, this really resonated with me. I get so hopeful every cycle, thinking that every one is going to finally have the key ingredient that was missing from the one before. It is starting to truly suck that really the only thing I CAN count on every cycle is my period showing up. I hope it happens soon for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your negative result this month! I always check your site and am looking forward to the day when you announce your pregnancy! On a positive note...since you got your polyp removed your "trying to get pregnant" is a clean slate if you will. Forget about all the iui's and ivf that failed -- they have nothing to do with what is the case NOW. A regular pregnancy usually happens within 5 months (20% chance each cycle. You will see -- you will have success!!! The key for you is to have a good doctor. I am from NYC and I knoW a good doctor -- his name is Dr. Peter Chang -- he used to be at Beth Israel in offices near Union Square.
Good luck to you!!

keepingmyeyesonjesus said...

I'm sorry Hun! You have my sympathies. I know all about it! I've had 2 polyps removed, I went for 8 IUI's and 4 IVF's and no baby yet... The dr's keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant naturally, but nothing so far! I just got pregnant once during my last IVF, but I m/c... It's so frustrationg and in the mean time the clock is ticking!

Navy Bean said...

I'm so happy I found your blog! You just described exactly what I went through this month. Extreme and utter torture. It's just nice to know I'm not alone!

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