PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Every Ovary Has a Silver Lining

I can’t lie. These last two weeks have not been what I would characterize as fabulous. They’ve been filled with feelings of failure, frustration and thanks to a bought of food poisoning, a fear of tuna fish. That’s right. Charlie the Tuna kicked my sorry digestive system on Tuesday night. Don’t let the smile fool you. 'Sorry Charlie' my ass…

But I digress…

Even though I typically am pretty successful at keeping expectations in check, this past cycle failing particularly bummed me out. Not helping matters was when I got my period; I got a crop of the worst pimples on my chin. Sure, I break out here and there around my time of the month, but this was like a freaking colony of blemishes. I’ve actually lost count of how many huge pimples I have on my chin right now. I would not be the least bit shocked if a blind person felt my chin and my zits spelled out, “Still Not Pregnant” in a sort of brail. Really… M. Night Shyamalan could make a movie about it. It would be called, “The Prophetic Pimples”.

But I digress again…

I went to see my most recent Reproductive Endocrinologist a few days ago. He started the session with, “I’m sorry you’re back.” As depressing as that statement is, I appreciated the sentiment as I was sorry I was back too.

Sam and I decided that we’d give it one more month of trying on our own before returning to medical assistance. I do have ambivalence about this as I don’t know if I can bear another period or another crop of pimples like the ones I have now but the doctor felt one more month wasn’t going to hurt or help either way. It’s not like we’re delaying anything for a year. It’s just one month to see if we can get Sam’s sperm and my egg to finally hook up once and for all. Jeez. It sounds like our reproductive parts are Ross and Rachel on Friends.

Today is this fifth day of my latest cycle. This will officially be the third time we’ll try on our own to conceive since my uterine polyp was removed. Some say the third time is the charm but it just may be, in fact, the third time and nothing more. After all, I have already done three inseminations and the third one those didn’t work so I’m not buying into none of that anymore. Besides, since we’ve already decided that if this doesn’t work, we’ll go back to injectables and insemination, I’m going to go back to where I was a few months ago and keep the pressure and expectations as low as possible. With this back up plan in place, this cycle should be nothing more than ‘let’s not think about it and just have lots of sex’. I've had cycles like that before and they were damn fun.

Yes, it would be lovely if we were successful this month and yes, I would love to avoid more shots, procedures and hospital gowns if we could but it is just one month, we have a plan and after the disappointment of last month, I physically need not to care about this for a few weeks… if that’s possible.

So, even though I have not been in my happy place lately, even though there’s no good news to share at the moment and even though I will most likely never eat tuna fish again, I do feel like there has been rays of hope and promise streaming through the clouds of crap.

14 comments:

Kakunaa said...

I think you SHOULD just have fun. Time to bring the fun back into the bedroom. Who knows, maybe it will help. Hang in there, hun.

AL said...

man the tuna fish food poisoning is just evil. What's up universe?! can't my friend Jay catch a break?!

I like the plan of 1 more month on TTC au natural then back to treatments. What the hell right? Hoping you don't need to go back to the needles!

Michelle said...

I hope this 3rd time is charm. Maybe your body needed a few cycles to adjust to life without Jackson Polyp.
I am happy for the rays of sunshine, you need sunshine in your life to make the crap not stink so bad :)

Secret Sloper said...

In months like the one you just had, I always tell myself "This HAS to be it, right? It CAN'T get any worse." And for a while it does, until I have another bad month.

But this month of yours sounded really, really bad and I have to believe you've hit the bottom. Nowhere to go but up!

(And I'm holding out hope that your reproductive parts are a lot less annoying and bullheaded than Ross and Rachel and will get their acts together and just get over that whole copy-girl/we were on a break thing).

Heidi said...

i'm on CD 5 today, too! let's get knocked up together this month. seriously. this. month.

okay, i just about lost it about the blind person and your chin "reading." flippin' hilarious, you are! (but sorry about the pimples)

i bought into 3rd time being the charm up until it wasn't. now, i'm banking on 5th time being the charge. wanna know why? cause it was the charm for someone else. is that evidence-based or what? :)

enjoy your break from needles and gooey suppositories. glad to hear you're feeling the rays of hope. i think they're what keep us all going. hope baby-making the good ol fashioned way is just what your egg wants this month!

jensays (what would jen do) said...

i hope you do have a lot of fun this cycle. sometimes it's just nice to give things a go and not really think about where you're at in the whole cycle.

Brooke said...

3rd time WILL be a charm. A real charmer, like Clooney.

egghunt said...

I love the title of this post, it makes me think of my ovaries in a different light. Like if I look hard enough I will see the good in them. I might just try a bit harder to do that from now on.
I think its great that you have a backup plan, its a nice thing to have in place. I hope you don't have to use it (gosh that would be wonderful if you didnt have to use it) but if you do then you'll be grateful that everything is already in motion.
Come on silver lined ovaries, 3rd times a charm for sure!

Lu said...

Just found your blog and am happy to find someone else with a sense of humor about all of this infertility/ttc insanity. Will be following along.

Jen said...

I love your prophetic pimples - too funny! How sad but true!

First and Only said...

great post - your blog never fails to give me a laugh. I really hope 3rd times a charm - I've been keeping my fingers crossed from your first "online" two week wait.

thebarreness said...

I love the simile of your egg and sperm being like Ross and Rachel. The best thing about them was that you knew they'd get together eventually - and it was perfect when they did. Let's hope the same holds true for you guys - best of luck. Happy ICLW!

Stephanie said...

Stopping by for ICLW. It can be so hard to try and push through when it seems like nothing is ever going to work. But your attitude is half the battle and you seem to have a great attitude. I hope you are one of the lucky ones that gets her BFP on a cycle when you least expect it!

ICLW #74

Annie said...

Sorry to see you're not in a happy place. It's hard to muster up enough hope to keep going on. Glad there's still some hope shining through for you.

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