PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lightning at the End of a Tunnel?

If we review the last three weeks, they include yet another failed attempt to get pregnant, food poisoning, paying full price for an HCG that I’m not even sure I’m going to use, my building getting hit by lightning thus killing everything plugged into every outlet including my beloved computer (using a friend's PC to write this!) and my insurance company telling me that they are no longer covering any of my fertility treatments. I honestly would not be surprised if I was soon diagnosed with prostate cancer… despite that fact that I don’t even HAVE a prostate.

I don’t want to whine or complain (even though I’m very gifted at both) but really, REALLY, when does the good stuff start? Things can ALWAYS be worse. I try to never lose sight of that, however, it doesn’t change the fact that being in a terminal state of suckage is frustrating as hell.

Despite the hundreds of dollars we now have to spend on replacing everything (we do have insurance so hopefully, we’ll get some of what we spend back), I can’t help but be secretly amused that the lightning hit our building during ovulation time. I’m not sure what that means. I guess come cycle day 28, I’ll find out. It’ll either be an amazing story we’ll one day tell our child (“You were conceived during a lightning storm! Sure, we lost cable, electricity, phone service, internet, our televisions and computers but we got you, so it evens out!”) or it’ll be yet another exhibit in the case I’m making against the entire year of 2010. Can you file legal charges against a whole year?

In terms of my medical insurance breaking up with me ("It's not us. It's your uterus."), what can I say? It hurts. It’s bad enough that I’ve had fertility issues but to now get charged an obscene amount for them adds insult to injury. I’ve already paid close to $20,000 out of pocket WITH the insurance that the thought of forging ahead without it is dizzying. I haven’t a clue how to get the money needed. I mean, as much as I love lying down, I’d make a terrible hooker and I’d probably be the only stripper in history that would get paid to keep my clothes on!

Also, and not to beat a dead horse here, but I can’t help being internally tortured by the fact that we blew all of fertility fund on a doctor who missed that I had a uterine polyp for an entire year. What’s done is done and there seems little I can do about it, but again, it falls hard in the ‘suckage’ category. We never should have done IUIs and an IVF as long as that polyp was there and because my first doctor never thought of checking it and I didn’t know any better to suggest it, I may have to use our entire savings and my end of the year bonus just to get my second doctor to do something most women are able to do naturally.

Speaking of which, does anyone know if they happen to make cheap home insemination kits? If not, they should! It could include a little sperm spinner you plug into a wall (it could double as a salad spinner), and a thin tube to bypass the cervix. It may sound crass but c’mon! If women have been using turkey basters for crying out loud, why can’t I IUI myself in the comfort of my own home while watching True Blood?!?

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know that I often wane between finding all this amusing and on occasion, getting pretty depressed about it. At present, I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m clinging to the fact that nothing is hopeless yet and I still can’t help laughing at the mess that is currently my life but there are times of deep regret, fear and sadness. Those are the times when calories and fat grams lose all meaning, the bed is my refuge and I wonder what lies around the corner next.

Sam and I talked about it last night and we are definitely not going to be able to do our intended IUI this next cycle. We’re still figuring out if we’re going to put it off a month or two or if we’ll just skip insemination altogether and go right to another IVF cycle. Any which way, we WILL be doing something, somehow soon.

This all being said, is it too much to hope that through some insane divine miracle, the bolt of lightning that hit our home during ovulation time will perhaps bring good luck? I dare not even type it on my blog but if we were actually successful in conceiving this past cycle, it would be a joy and a relief beyond that's impossible to imagine. Still, if history has proven anything and if what they say about stress hindering conception is true, the odds are against it. I’m hoping for a freaking miracle anyway though...

17 comments:

Sarah S said...

Ugh how many things can one person take!!!

(((Hugs)))

I hope 2010 gets better for you!!!

missohkay said...

I'm so sorry you've been through so much suckage! You have every right to wallow on occasion, in between putting on a brave face.

Your post reminded me of a book quote that I *love* - "Amanda became pregnant during a fierce thunderstorm. 'Was it the lightning or the lover?' she was sometimes heard to muse. When her son was born with electrical eyes, people no longer thought her foolish." -Tom Robbins, Another Roadside Attraction

Our Happy Married Life... said...

sorry to hear about all this you are going through. Just thought I'd throw it out there b/c a friend of a friend used it and it WORKED for her after years of infertility treatments. But there is something called conception kit that is supposed to be sort of an at home IUI. I think it's around $300. She swears by it and got pregnant after the first try of the kit while her doctor laughed her out of his office when she told him she was going to try it (since the thousands they spent on him didn't work) just an idea. email me if you have further questions. :)

Lindsay said...

Surely in some culture Lightning does something for fertility! I really hope the skies clear up and you can see a light shinning through very, very soon

SingleMamaAdventures said...

(((HUGS)))....Im sorry so much has hit it all at one time. My heart goes out to you.

lowfatlady said...

So sorry your having a crappy year and all of this is happening to you. It is not fair. I really hope something good happens soon and the lightening strike was because you are finally pregnant.

Kakunaa said...

Oh, man. I definitely think you should be able to press charges. You are definitely in one of those laugh so you don't cry times. HUGS

Mrs. Type A said...

Really hoping this is your month!

Secret Sloper said...

As sick as I am of being left behind in blogland, I do hope lightening strikes twice for you. You deserve it.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I hope the lightning worked. That would make a brilliant story -- and, after all you've been through his year, totally deserved. Hang in there.

Mrs. M said...

Sending hugs your way. You have every right in the world to be ticked off right now. My fingers are crossed that this is your month and you'll have to change your blog to the nine month wait...

Natalie said...

My husband and I have been having the same type of discussions recently. How can everything keep going wrong? I am so tired of compromising, and accepting the limitations in my life. You're not alone, that's the only positive I can give you right now.

Hey, maybe the lightning worked and you can give the kid a middle name of "Flash".

Kelly said...

Shit. When it rains, it pours.

I'm so sorry you're getting dumped on like this.

Chels said...

This is the first time I've came across your blog. I feel terrible for saying this, but thanks for making me laugh. It's terrible (all the crap you're having to deal with), but you write about it so well. Insurance companies are the worst! I'm hoping everything will be worth it & that your luck turns around soon!

Samara said...

I so empathise with you. It's crap crap crap. You are being massively tested and you should be bloody proud of yourself that a part of you manages to find the humour in it. 'You'll get there' aren't very reassuring words when you feel like you are nowhere near there but IVF worked for me in the end. I'd skip the IUI and go straight for the IVF and maximise your chances. Plus it would be a polyp free one wouldn't it so at least, whatever the outcome, could give you a polyp free diagnosis of what's going on. Loads and loads of luck to you. xxx

Amanda said...

I'm not sure if you were being serious about the home IUI's, but my DH and I did about 3 of them. They never worked for us because he has a low sperm count, but a lesbian woman ttc with donor sperm did get pregnant.

There are kits that you can get online. THey give you a swim up column to put the semen in...then you put this stuff called sperm prep around it and it washes the sperm. THey give you a catheter....and you need a speculum.....but it can be done. It you are more interested I could tell you in detail how we did it. Here are a couple links to where we bought our stuff.

http://www.zdlinc.biz/productcart/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=39

also zavos online has things you need.

Jay said...

Just discovered your blog. I got dizzy reading all the stuff you have been through! Its like the universe starts throwing thunderbolts (in your case,literally) and then laughs its head off while you dodge. Blech.

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