PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Waiting for the Matzo Ball to Drop

Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah, which is the Jewish New Year. You would think this would warrant some sort of celebration in Times Square where we watch the Matzo ball drop and Jackie Mason hosts a “A Rockin’ Rosh Hashanah”. Alas, that will not be happening.

I was raised Catholic so this is not a holiday I typically celebrate. However, I’ve always had great respect for it. The thought of a New Year, a clean slate, is always extremely appealing to me. Plus, any event that includes food is one I can proudly get behind… no matter what my religion.

I’m now in the tail end of my latest two week wait. I must admit, the phrase ‘two week wait’ is slowly beginning to grate on my nerves. It’s feeling more and more like it’s terminal. I long for the day when this insufferable hormonal purgatory will bring some good effen’ news. Can I get an Amen?

This was the second cycle after my uterine polyp was removed and for whatever reason, I had very high hopes for it. Right after the surgery seemed too much to hope for but the second month seemed reasonable. We just celebrated our anniversary, we’re going into holiday season (a.k.a. “Family parties where everyone asks when you‘re going to get knocked up already), and my uterus is still somewhat newly clean from the surgery so this seemed like it would be an ideal time.

On cycle day 17 though, I started getting cramps which is pretty damn early for me. I’ve had them off and on ever since. I was hoping that perhaps was a good sign but today is now cycle day 23 and I now have ALL my classic PMS signs. ALL. OF. THEM. Yes, I know PMS can be similar to early pregnancy symptoms but my check list for Aunt Flo’s impending visit is as reliable as the Kardashians being annoying. They are as follows:
  • Cramps
  • Backache
  • Breakout on my chin (currently have three pimples… a triumvirate of failure if you will)
  • The inability to see the irony in life and laugh at it
  • Right knee starts to hurt (I heard that our joints loosen before you get your period. Not sure if that’s true)
  • Vaginal itching (DON’T ask me why but that‘s what happens)
  • Headaches
  • A strange appreciation for depressing 70s music
  • Sleeping poorly
  • Crying at random stupid commercials
  • Bloating similar to Violet in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
As I review this embarrassing and disturbingly long list, it’s no wonder that I feel like the most unattractive person in the entire world (other than Gene Simmons from KISS). I am a hot estrogen mess. The only signs I have towards a possible pregnancy is that my temperature is about four points about the cover line and that I’m not actually bleeding… at least not yet.

Last cycle, I was totally chill and had no expectations. This cycle, I’m resentful, frustrated and quite frankly, pissed off and sick of this whole thing. Lord knows what I’ll be like next cycle. I often fear for the lives of the people around me.

I know I’ll get over it. What other choice do I have? I’ll move ahead as I always do. I’m seeing my doctor on the 14th and by then we’ll know for sure whether this cycle worked (which I TRULY don’t believe it did whatsoever). We’ll talk about our next steps and options but right now, at this exact second, I JUST want to be pregnant already. And yes, I’m officially whining… but in honor of the Rosh Hashanah, let’s just say it’s Manischewitz wine so that it’s a tad more forgivable.

So tonight, as countless people usher in the Jewish New Year, I’m hoping that perhaps I can benefit from a new beginning. One where I have sex and get pregnant. One where I tell my friends we’re expecting. One where I go to Babies R Us to buy something for me and not a friend or relative. One where I’m fat for a very good reason. One where I feel joy, real joy and not deep disappointment. Let’s hope the universe give us one big Mazel Tov. I have no doubt we deserve it.

21 comments:

The Steffens said...

I say there's hope until the actual bleeding shows up. Those are all very promising symptoms (well not sure how the 70s music figures in, but I'm sure it does)! Still hoping very hard for you!

lowfatlady said...

I'm sorry this 2ww is getting to you. It is so hard. I do celebrate Rosh Hashanah and I'm hoping this new year brings you a pregnancy this cycle. You know all of those symptoms could be a pregnancy symptom as well. It's so not fair that the symptoms could go either way.

Kakunaa said...

I also hope this year gives you some positive. The symptoms go either way, but could very easily be your BFP :) fingers crossed!

lady pumpkin said...

AMEN. New beginnings for everybody! And I'm Jewish, so...so I know from Rosh Hashanah. And hey, no bleeding yet! That's sumpin. May your wait be over. And mine too, once I even get to ovulating this cycle.

flossbaby said...

As someone who is also in the home stretch of yet another two week wait, yes, AMEN! to the end of hormonal purgatory. And your list of PMS symptoms bears a striking resemblance to mine-my Aunt Flo also likes to endow me with a trio of zits. Anyway, I really don't think it's over until you see red (or pee on a stick, I suppose). Hope it's the beginning of your new beginning.

Brooke said...

I love, love, love this: "One where I have sex and get pregnant. One where I tell my friends we’re expecting. One where I go to Babies R Us to buy something for me and not a friend or relative. One where I’m fat for a very good reason. One where I feel joy, real joy and not deep disappointment." I want to tattoo it on my back.

And...being completely neurotic, i searched though old texts from the days before I got my BFP in April. I wrote to someone that the only thing that made my legs comfortable was elevating them. That was about cycle day 24. Knee pain - leg pain. Any positive thoughts? ; )

Mrs. Type A said...

wouldn't the world be a better place if we could fast forward through the two week wait. it's just about the worst thing in the whole world! hang in there!

Heidi said...

love this post--raw emotions said in a relatable way! for the record, i don't think you're out of the baby running yet--cd 23 is just too early! girl, i seriously dream of the day i'm not very annoyingingly flinging around 9 pages of babies r us registry sheets for relatives i barely know....cursing the color-coordinated rows of pacifiers i can't buy for myself...

Anonymous said...

I have to say I hate that the symptoms can go either way. WTF! That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves about the two week wait. Talk about mind trip!!! I'm crossing my fingers for you! Hoping your symptoms have a positive sign in a week or so!!!! If they don't saddle up and hit hard next month!!! They say hard work pays off eventually.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Ha! I have definitely had my Violet in the Chocalate Factory moments! I know it sucks that we can't have our babies now. :(

Katie said...

Hmmmm, those sound like more than just PMS symptoms to me. I'll have my fingers crossed that the witch doesn't show. Don't you just love the 2WW?!

missohkay said...

Amen! The symptoms are evil. I felt pregnant last cycle and we were actively NOT trying... and since I've had two BFPs (albeit short-lived ones) I should know what it feels like for me. What a mindf*ck.

Dana said...

I also say there is hope until AF actually starts. I hope it doesn't. This whole process is so, so frustrating.

the Barreness said...

One of the sucky parts about all this is how well you know your own body. I am sorry it sucks so bad right now.

Kelly said...

I hope those things for your new year too!

Also, this? "The inability to see the irony in life and laugh at it"

I get it too.

The Infertility Doula said...

I really hope all of your dreams come true - you SO deserve it. And after all, you could use a break from the vaginal itching anyways, right?! ;)

sienna said...

you definitely deserve it, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. so many girls think their period is coming, and then *boom*: bfp. hoping this is the case for you!!! xoxo.

fertilefaith said...

If anyone deserves it, you do! It ain't over for this month til AF sings....

egghunt said...

I'm feeling particularly pre menstrual myself so I found myself nodding along to your pms list and counting the pimples on my chin to see if I had a triumvirate of failure too.
Its so hard isn't it? A constant fight between hope and despair. I've just had a few polyps removed myself so I guess I have a certain level of expectation that our chances of concieving must be increased now too, although I know it can never be that simple. I hope you get a lovely suprise and those pimples turn into pregnancy fueled ones instead of pms prompted.
xxx

Patty said...

The worst part of this 2ww bull sh*t for me is that stupid rollercoaster ride...And I don't even like them!!! It's the highest of hopes as you tick tick tick up, and then the total destruction on the downward slide, faster and faster toward...The next 2ww. Damn.

I am hoping for you more than myself as I begin on CD 6. I hope you get to GET OFF THIS RIDE!!

heartincharge said...

Why are the symptoms the same?!?! It just makes the end of the TWW even more cruel. I hope they are the real deal for you this time!

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