PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Trying to Conceive Has Crapped on my Sex Life

Ok, let’s be honest: After months upon months of contrived and controlled sex, it makes total sense for it to affect your love life. When you first met your significant other, all you needed was two things: passion and privacy (and maybe not even privacy). In the car, in the hallway, in a bathtub; you couldn’t get enough of each other. It didn’t matter what day of the month it was, what position your cervix was in and lying down for an hour afterwards was by choice and not required.

Does this not at all sound familiar to anyone or is it just me? Please tell me it’s not just me!

If you’ve been reading my blog regularly, you know sex is an important issue to me. Despite being fertility challenged, I want to feel sexy and I want to have the fun sex my husband and I had when we met. We go through periods of time lately where we get the magic back, but then, thanks to the ‘trying to conceive saga’ we’re currently starring in, those moments fade fast.

Let me give you an example. Awhile back, there was a night where my ovulation prediction kit said it was go time. The trouble was that on the night in particular, we both had bad days, we were exhausted and I not only had a migraine from hell but I was feeling sick to my stomach. The foreplay consisted of me saying, “Get in, do what you need to do and then get out.” My husband completed the mission all while I had my mouth guard in (I grind my teeth) and while I drifted off to sleep. This is not the stuff they make porns out of people.

Soon after, Sam and I had a conference… a “sex summit” if you will… and we came up with ways and ideas to bring the ZING! back. We are trying to implement them as often as possible. Here’s what we came up… perhaps it’ll provide inspiration for you.

Costumes, Make-up, Wigs
Yes. You heard me. Get all Jennifer Garner in Alias. As you may or may not know, I am the proud owner of a Catholic School Girl outfit, a cheerleader outfit and French Maid’s outfit. It’s Halloween soon so you have the perfect excuse to buy one of these without feeling self-conscious. And aside from the fact that your husband will enjoy one of these typical male fantasies they have (they are SO predictable in that department, aren’t they?), it’s fun for you (no really, I swear) because what infertile doesn’t want to imagine they are someone else for a bit? Why not a sexy, fertile hot nurse who doesn’t give a sh*t what consistency her cervical mucus is?

Videotape
If it gave Kim Kardashian a career, it can do wonders for your love life. Men like porn, why not give them something to look at. And yes, this was very much my husband’s suggestion.

Books and movies
And no, I’m not talking total filth (unless that’s what you’re in to). If there’s any form of entertainment that helps get you in the mood be it a romantic comedy, a romance novel, vampires, car repair (just throwing that out there), then make sure you have it on hand. I personally recommend you all check out http://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Garden-Womens-Fantasies/dp/0671019872 for inspiration. Some of the fantasies made me go, “Um… yeah, that frightens me.” Others were like, “Well, THAT’S creative! I’ll bookmark that page for later!

Be on top!
Hey - you’ve earned it now and then! One suggestion though: When you're on top, somewhere in the middle of everything, put your hands up like you're on a rollercoaster as it's going downhill. Be sure to yell, "Woooooo!" Oh, c'mon! It'll be fun!

Schedule your own “Sex Summit”
Plan a dinner where you sit down and tell each other what you like, don’t like, what you want to do more of and suggest at least one new thing to try. The summit alone can get you back in a fun, sexy mood. Oh, and it would help if you didn’t have the conversation over a heavy dinner. Feeling bloated isn’t sexy. Man, don’t I know it!

Go old school
First, borrow your parent’s car. Then, get a six pack, drive to a make out spot, hop in the back seat and get frisky. Who knows? You may get lucky in more ways than one. Look… if a million high school seniors can get pregnant this way, it may work for you too.

Remember the Romance
Light some candles, get the music going and put on that sexy nightgown. I’m all for quickies and passionate romps but if you’ve got time, why not use it and go all out? Romance that stone! Go with the wind! Have Harry meet Sally! Set the scene and enjoy all of it on rose petals and silk sheets!

Hotel sex
Maybe I’m alone here and it certainly depends on the hotel but my husband tends to travel here and there and we’ve always had great success with having relations in a hotel. Perhaps you’re less distracted from household chores since you’re not at home or maybe it’s simply that it’s a new element. Any which way, why not book a night away and get it on with a mini bar nearby.

Three words: Battery. Operated. Boyfriend (or Bob if you prefer)
When you are trying to conceive, sex can become as much a chore as it can be fun. Why not let a Pocket Rocket do half the work for you? This wonder toy can do all the foreplay and half the orgasm before he can get his boxers off. It also comes in handy if he’s already crossed the finish line and you’re only halfway through the race.

Forget the rules
Every TTC couple has read a million anecdotes on what the best way to conceive, and over the months of trying, sure enough those anecdotes have made their way into the bedroom. And let’s not forget that there are couples that do all the wrong things (i.e. Drunk sex in a hot tub while standing up) and they still get knocked up! Let’s all give ourselves permission to just have sex for sanity’s sake! So before you have another Baby Dance while suspended from the ceiling in gravity boots listening to Barry Manilow's ‘Mandy’ because your best friend's cousin's hairdresser told you that she got pregnant once doing just that -- remember that sex is supposed to be fun. Just do it.

34 comments:

lowfatlady said...

You are not alone. TTCing sex is hard. I'm kinda glad we started doing iui's because that means that things aren't as dependent on having sex when your not in the mood. It always happens that when you have to ttc your tired or not in the mood. We have done the video thing and I would love to try the hotel one.

RubyRedMomma said...

What a fun post!! And you are not alone, hotel sex=good times!

Lyndsey said...

more power to ya, chickie! One thing that people told my husband after my miscarriage (that totally infuriated me) was "Well, at least you get to try again! Trying is the fun part!"

You nailed it on the head. Sex is fun, screwing is fun...yadda yadda yadda... Trying to make a baby is NOT fun.

Kakunaa said...

Oh, so, so true. Romance, what's that? And let me tell you, now that I'm preggo, hubby is scared to hurt me, and I have a permanent tube in my tummy. Let me tell you how much this does NOT help with things.

We did a number of those things to try and get "it" back. And now...it's gone again. Sigh. BOB is my friend. LOL.

Thanks, as always, for being wicked honest :)

Lori said...

I totally laughed out loud at the mouth guard reference (I have one too) and had to share that with my hubby. you couldn't be more right about the sex on a schedule and I love your recomendations. I have a book coming out and wish I had all of your good ideas listed. I did a list of sex "helpers" for when you're hopped up on follistims.

Awesome post!

Ashlee G. said...

This is currently my week. My exact words to my dh when I got home was "dont forget, tonight's a sex night." haha. it's forced and I wish that we had the luxury of just getting it on for fun!

Elaine VanDRiver said...

LOVED this post. Yous funny!

Dana said...

Your post made me laugh. Sex has become so stale. We do it (I don't even know how my husband managed to prepare on his end, I wasn't helping much) and then I promptly prop my hips up and stay in the position for as long as I can. Sometimes I fall asleep for hours with my hips propped up on pillows and of course, I won't get up for anything less than an emergency, no matter how much I have to pee. I hope that the magic that we once felt comes back one day.

Courtney said...

Girl, this was an excellent and hilarious post as usual.

After all of our losses our flare has dwindled. We have done a few of the things you've mentioned to bring some spice back into our relationship.

Anonymous said...

Sooo --- just had an ovarian cyst out and the doctor says it was unusual because the type of cyst I had was the cause of "ovarian trauma." Now, I can't remember any ovarian trauma EXCEPT repeated poking...I think my TTC sex damaged my ovary -- now that's not fun :-)

Becs said...

I. LOVE. THIS. We have some months where the sex is amazing and fun and others where it's just a chore to get done. I hate the months where it's a chore. I'm definitely going to try some of your suggestions!

Conceptionally Challenged said...

You are not alone. And I'll totally consider drunk sex standing up in a hot tub.

unaffected said...

Great post! I, unfortunately, feel the same as you. I'm so over contrived, scheduled sex. Someday I hope to get my regular love life back! :)

Glass Case of Emotion said...

You are NOT NOT NOT alone! I think this is one of the suckier parts of TTC, but thanks for making it fun!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Hahahaha. I TOTALLY laughed out loud about your comment on having sex with your mouthguard in b/c I wear one, too! Too fricken funny!

And you're so right about all of this. We've definitely done quite a few of your suggestions and they make SUCH a difference during this TTC saga.

Great post :). Cheers to our 2ww :).

heartincharge said...

Oh I love these ideas. I was proud of myself for keeping sex fun through TTC until Lupron got a hold of me. Thanks for this post.

Natalie said...

Like the first lady said, it has been a relief to switch to IUI's at least they do the TTC for me now, and the sex we have can just be for fun. I am so ready for this whole drama of working toward having a baby over! (by having a baby of course!)

Flucky Mom said...

Oh yes, TTC/IF robs you all of all sorts of fun things -- sex being at the top of the list. I love all your advice. Frankly they would even apply to long time married couples who need to bring some excitement back into the bedroom.

Personally, I'm with you about hotel rooms. There's something very exciting about them. Maybe it's the no cleaning up after yourself part.

daega99 said...

Oh my goodness, you have me cracking up! his is an excellent post! I understand it totally!!! And yes, love the hotel rooms (particularly the expensive sheets... and a nice deep tub)

ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

Lisa said...

It was the exhaustion that got in the way the most for us; invariably I had fallen asleep before my husband finished his paperwork and came to bed. If he woke me then, I was so furious and resentful that the sex was completely lacking in pleasure. It's a bit of hard work, but at least you have made the work into a saucy challenge. How fun!

Damita said...

What a great post! Totally agree with you :) bring back the fun and that in turns brings back the sex ;)

Kathleen said...

what a fantastic post! thanks for the great ideas :-) and yes, 'fun sex' has been missing for quite some time in my life. it needs to come back.

happy iclw (#31)

Krissi said...

These are really great! I know it was hard for us too! You are not alone. Now it's hard because we have 3 kids 3 and under!! So, I think this list works for exhausted moms like me too!! ;-) Happy ICLW! (#72 & 106)

BabyMakingDiary said...

Excellent post! Thanks for making me smile - and for the great suggestions...:)

Sarah Q said...

I love it!! Made me laugh so much!

I am currently nursing a sex sprain so I may have to wait a few days before I try out any of these suggestions. :)

car said...

Thanks for a laugh. If nothing else it made me smile in between the BFN crying and +ve OPK sex fests. Oh for the days when we had sex 3x in a weekend simply because we wanted to.

(Stopping by for ICLW)

Laura said...

love love love those ideas! You have a great sense of humor. Happy ICLW!

Kelly said...

It IS the perfect time to shop for costumes...noted.

fertilelychallengedblacksheep said...

You're so not alone (as I'm sure you've figured out by now) and I'm glad I'm not alone. Good call on the costumes. I was in the store the other day and toyed with getting these really sleazy heels. Something about the fact that it was intended for make believe made it OK to buy, versus walking into some store intending get that for the sole purpose of the bedroom.

cowgirltn said...

You are not alone. Losing fun sex is just another awesome side affect of infertility.

Sharee said...

You crack me up, girl! First time visit and I'm soooo glad I dropped by!

Kim said...

GREAT post. TTC really does take the fun out of sex. These are some great ideas.

My Hopeful Journey said...

So true and also made me laugh.. thanks!

cjsayers77 said...

My husband once asked me if he could install a time card machine on the head board to make sure he could punch in for "work"... yah, that makes sex fun!

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