PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Comedy, Confusion and Closure

It’s striking how many similarities there are between pursuing a creative job and trying to conceive. Both involve working incredibly hard, extreme dedication, persistence, a sense of humor and an acceptance that despite your best efforts, you may never actually get anywhere. So often lately, I’ve asked myself why I couldn’t have wanted to be a nurse who has children. I could have went to school, got a nursing degree, helped others, never had to worry about what state my uterine lining was in and I’d be set. The whole blood, bodily fluids and washing old people thing wouldn’t fly with me though. Ultimately, I’m more interested in a nurse’s costume than I am being an actual nurse. That’s just me though.

This past weekend, I had a bunch of comics over for breakfast (comics can never get together on a Saturday night as they always have a show) and to commiserate about the endless quest to achieve some substantial notoriety or at least a hefty paycheck in the creative world.

One of my friends, Caryn, who has been in the business for awhile and I got to talking and I caught her up on all my writing projects, my stand-up schedule and my ever continuing quest to be a mom. The more I talked to her, the more I realized that although I enjoy stand-up and performing in general, I think I may be at a point where I just want to write. Actually, after this last year, I don’t want to just write. I want to make this blog into a book that I can share with infertiles all over this fine world of ours.

Stand-up is incredibly fun. You meet the most incredible, funniest, unique people. As competitive as the business is, the people, the experiences and the anecdotes you accumulate are immeasurable. I do want to perform when I can but something about my fertility issues are making me rethink just how much I want to get up in front of people on a Tuesday night in a small bar in New Jersey. Not only is my ass tired of it, it doesn’t pay (unless I get a sitcom… and maybe not even then) but there simply seems to be something more important to me now; making fertility issues funny.

As my creative future started to slowly come more into focus, Caryn, in her own subtle, loving way, began yelling at me with regards to stressing myself out over trying to get pregnant. I realize you may not agree but sometimes, I firmly believe someone yelling some sense at you can be effective.

“You’ve got a great life, a great husband and great friends like me! Don’t stress yourself out over getting knocked up! You’ll figure it out! Deal with each issue as it comes! For crying out loud - do you know how much I’m spending on my son’s college? $40,000 a year! It might not be the worst thing in the world if you never get pregnant! Save your money! Adopt! Travel! Not getting preggo won’t make you less of a person or a woman! RELAX THE F*CK OUT!’

It’s not so much what she said but more her attitude and confidence in that everything will somehow work out. It’s shocking but for as much I like to analyze things and talk things out to death, sometimes the best philosophy to a problem is “So what!” I TRULY want to be a mom. I truly want to know what it’s like to be pregnant but life is short and if it never happens, then so what. Life is going to go on… and I would have to just readjust my plans and go along with it. Adopt, rent or time share kid – I WOULD figure it out… or die trying.

All in all, it was a thought provoking breakfast. Suddenly, I started to feel calmer, more enthusiastic and more focused on what I wanted creatively and how I could survive if I never knew what it was like to be pregnant. Of course I’m still planning on pursuing pregnancy to the fullest extent, but it was still helpful to know that no matter what happens, I’ll be ok.

It was this attitude that gave me the strength to call my first doctor back. Well, attitude and a few drinks. Some drunk dial their ex-boyfriends. I drunk dial my ex-reproductive endocrinologist.

My goal was to suggest to him that he write a letter to my insurance company on my behalf saying that he missed my uterine polyp and it may have affected my invitro. My approach was to be light, yet persistent with him and I immediately broke the tension by suggesting to him that a possible option to both my lack of fertility funds and my inability to conceive is to become a prostitute. That way, I could make money and hopefully get pregnant simultaneously. This joke put him at ease.

Although he gave me a few helpful suggestions (one of which was to speak to my human resource department about adding a rider with regards to fertility coverage on our company insurance plan), he refused to contact my insurance company for me. He believes that the uterine polyp didn’t grow until after the IVF. He believes that since we did so much to build up the uterine lining, that I was taking hormone shots as well as progesterone, the polyp may have formed BECAUSE of the IVF.

I do realize that it’s in his best interest to think this as he doesn’t want to get sued, but I can’t help but kind of see his point. What sucks is… well… what sucks in addition to not being able to get pregnant is that not only do I now have two different doctors telling me two different things but if this theory is true, that the polyp didn’t grow until AFTER the IVF, then I still don’t have even the slightest suggestion as to why I haven’t gotten pregnant. I’ve been hanging my hat on my uterine polyp. Now, I don’t know what the hell to think.

Believe it or not, even this confusion did provide a sort of closure. Although I tend to believe my newer, younger and more attractive reproductive endocrinologist (that polyps don’t grow that quickly and it had to have been there for awhile), this whole thing brought home the point that no one will ever know for sure when Jackson Polyp moved into my uterus. It’s like a Rubix Cube. At some point, you realize you’ll never figure the f*cking thing out so you just toss it aside.

It’s beginning to really hit me that the life I thought I was going to have may not happen. I may never be a cellulite free, big time successful comedian with four kids and millions of dollars. Maybe that just isn’t in the cards for me and as sad as that makes me (especially the cellulite part) and as terrified as I am about what the future holds, I can’t help but feel that what the cards DO hold for me may offer me something I may not have expected but that I’ll love just as much. At least I hope so. I guess we’ll all see.


The Steffens said...

OMG please please please write a book. We infertiles would love it. There really is nothing for us out there to read. I've read the 3 books out there and they are boring and clinical. A humurous book is really what we need. PLEASE write it!

AL said...

Yes!! write the book!! I would definitely buy it.

I like the positivity at the end of this post ~ I hope the universe has some great things headed your way.

The Infertility Doula said...

I like your new POV on life. Yes, it's not fair and yes, you should still pursue all avenues, but you know you're going to be ok. I honestly believe we all end up where we were meant to be somehow. Hopefully you will be a successful comedian, with 4 kids and millions (to get the cellulite removed).

While you write a book, I'm writing a screen play about IF.

Kakunaa said...

You are amazing, and your perspective would make a great book :)

Secret Sloper said...

I think you do have some pretty great cards and they are going to lead to an incredible, fulfilling life. I'm glad you said this, because I needed to think about all the cards I've got stacked in my own favor.

And you know I would read anything you published!

missohkay said...

You would write a fantastic book! And I've been feeling exactly like what you wrote in the final paragraph. There is something out there for me too... we've just got to figure out what it is.

Michelle said...

Yes yes yes write a book!
I love your attitude in this post, it's positive without being all sunshine & rainbow-ey. I love that you feel some closure with your ex re.

(And the drunk dialing part gave me the laugh I so need today)

Anonymous said...

I love this post, and I love your friend Caryn, and, my dear, PLEASE write that book. The world needs it! xo

Anonymous said...

I have had quite a few polyps and I must say every single time my RE picked it up on a scan. They can grow quickly and they are definitely caused by the fertility meds. I have had 2 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle with a polyp. None of those cycles I had a polyp before we started but by the time we were ready for the procedures they were there. So sorry to say this, but your previous RE might be right. Some of mine disappeared on their own (they were shed with my lining during AF) but I have had 3 removed surgically.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad Caryn could trigger something in you. Your perspective certainly sounds changed, even though the docs disagree.
Hang in there. Hoping the good cards will reveal themselves soon.

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you have good friends that can make you feel better and think. I think being a writer and making a funny IF book could be really cool. I hope that whatever happens next in life is totally great and makes you incredibly happy.

Damita said...

Agree yes write a book :)

myTTCstory said...

I think the book is a great idea. I, too, try to bring the humour out of my situation but I don't do it half as well as you do!

Keep me posted!

Sarah said...

I'm so glad someone is out here writing about infertility. I didn't have the gutts to do it while I was in the middle of it, so you're stronger than me. The time will come. It took us almost 7 years, which I know is shorter than some, but it happened. Hang in there!

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