PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Fat Infertile Ass

The other day, I was standing on the street corner and there was a woman standing next to me who was both pregnant… yet thinner than I was. My stomach sunk as I was overcome with jealousy. It’s sad when you start thinking, “If I’m going to be fat, can I at least be fat for a reason!” To be heavy with no babies or pregnancies to show for it just seems wrong. Somehow, thanks to bad genes and over a year of on and off hormones, I have baby weight… with no effen baby!

I gained about ten pounds from my InVitro in April of this year and despite the fact that the money I spent on IVF has all disappeared, the fat has remained. Call it a parting gift.

Even before I took any Clomid, Gonal-F or any other colorfully named hormone though, I had been having trouble losing weight. I worked with a nutritionist for over a year logging every calorie on a daily basis taking in anywhere from 1200 – 1500 calories and I only lost about two pounds. Even my nutritionist was confused. My body didn’t want to seem to let go of the fat no matter how many times I hit the gym or how little I ate. I was destined to be curvaceous like it or not.

I went to see an endocrinologist who tested my thyroid, my hormones, and my glucose levels and the only thing that showed up was a nodule on my thyroid. Although it has to be watched, my doctor didn’t think it explained why I couldn’t lose weight.

I’ve tried Weight Watchers, carbs, no carbs, shakes, walking, running, skipping, jumping, hula hooping, aerobic like sex and even hip hop aerobics despite my lack of coolness. Again, nothing worked. I don’t eat crap; I have regular servings of vegetables, fruit, water and fiber. I don’t eat anything fried, my desserts are either peppermint tea or a half cup of fat free frozen yogurt and I haven’t had a potato chip since 1998. It pisses me off. I feel like every time I meet someone new, I want to say to them, “I shouldn’t really be this heavy… just so you know. This is a mistake.

It’s not that I’m huge or so dangerously overweight either. I can range from anywhere from a size 12 to a 16 depending on where I’m shopping and how the outfit is cut. Thanks to make-up, control top pantyhose, the right bra, Velcro rollers, nice heels and appropriate clothes… I could even pass as attractive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again -- it takes a lot of money and time to look naturally beautiful.

Lately, I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and wonder if it’s related. Is whatever mystery reason I can’t lose weight the same reason I can’t get pregnant? Will I ever know? Will I ever either drop a few pounds or get knocked up? Inquiring minds want to know!

It sucks too that while you’re in your two week wait, you’re told not to do anything to aggressive in terms of exercise. Well, actually, I’ve heard different things on that… some say its fine, some say it’s not, some say it depends but for me, I’d rather be cautious and take it easy. This means that I usually work out like a maniac from cycle day 1 through till ovulation and then, I try to take very leisurely walks in between ovulation and the inevitable arrival of my period. Any which way, it’s not working. In the last month, I’ve lost exactly one pound. Yes, it’s better than gaining but when you’re 'Sweating to the Oldies' and trying to diet, you expect more of a result... or at the very least... invisible cellulite. SOMETHING!

If we do end up doing IVF 2.0 in 2011 (which looks inevitable), I REALLY don’t want to gain another ten pounds. I’ve got to figure out how to handle the next month or so to try and get some weight off. I just don’t want to have to cut off an entire limb to make that happen!

Damn you infertility! Kiss my fat ass!

41 comments:

The Griffiths said...

I totally feel your pain!! Sometimes there's even a part of my brain that tells me "if you're not going to lose weight anyway, why even try?" Good luck and just imagine what size you'd be if you never went to the gym and potato chips all the time. (Not sure if that helps, but just trying a little positivity.)

Anonymous said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. Before I went through this infertility stuff I was much thinner, it might have had something to do with the grapefruit pills and some random over the counter pill that made my heart race, but my stomach flat. Somehow, I do not think that those methods are advisable at this time, but they are my fall back plan if the baby track does not work.

By the way, I wanted to thank you for writing this blog. I discovered it during my 2 week wait from an ultimately failed IVF attempt last month. You have made me laugh, which cam sometimes be hard to come by. I hope that you have been able to find a group of people (in person) that you can go through this together. We have been lucky enough to have a support group through our church that has been a lifesaver. God Bless and know that you are in my prayers.

the2weekwait said...

The Griffiths -- Oh yes! I had that moment this morning! Like, "Why am I even bothering???" And thanks for the dose of positive. :)

Anonymous -- Thank you so, so, so much for your very kind & generous words. It means more than you know that you not only relate and that I made you laugh. Truly. Bless you and wishing you the best in this frustrating quest! xoxo

lowfatlady said...

I am getting or I am fat too. I need to loose weight. The crappy thing is my nurse specifically said that once I start with the follistim and I have more than one follicle I shouldn't do heavy exercise. So that's basically one month on birth control when I can exercise and then two weeks on lupron and then low key exercise from then on until I'm found not pregnant again. I stress eat too. I feel your pain.

Libby said...

I had to comment since I think you are channeling me. Lol.

I also have a thyroid nodule that "shouldn't be" causing a problem.

The weight gain, well, I now know I was actually getting off easy with prior IVFs because now that a steroid has been added to my protocol, and I'm always hungry, well, let's just say I'm not convinced the 8 lb. weight gain during stims is all fluid from my ovaries. Yikes.

Good luck to you!

unaffected said...

I totally feel your pain on the whole skinny-bitches-with-baby-bumps thing! I'm an emotional eater, and IF and TTC are, as you know, kind of emotional (ha).

After several pregnancy announcements today, I am currently holding a a tub of Edy's Pumpkin ice cream. I love the ice cream and I hate myself for loving it! It's a vicious cycle :/

Rachel said...

I always think that if I can't be pregnant I should at least work on getting skinny again. But then I start my TWW and figure that I can't diet during that, what if I am pregnant and starve my baby after all. And after that my period starts, which is depressing, and who wants to be bleeding, not pregnant, and hungry?

That leaves a whole week for dieting out of every month or so. And even then I don't want to lower my calorie intake, what if my body thinks it starving and I don't even ovulate?

Plus I love food.

Secret Sloper said...

I never struggled with my wait until we started having trouble making babies. In fact, right before we started TTC I was at my thinnest in years. Now after months of grief eating and over-cautious avoidance of exercise, I am not looking my best.

(In fact, I am looking my worst).

Kakunaa said...

I realize I don't know your diagnosis...any chance you have PCOS? So frustrating when you do everything right and nothing works. HUGS.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I know exactly what you mean. I see so many women who are 'all baby' - skinny all over with a 'basketball' sticking out the front. I am 'cuddly' without being pregnant and am worried that I will just blow out if I start IVF (which will probably be soon - at home turkey basting isn't working!).

My sister in law was exactly like that - a skinny, pregnant person. She gave birth this morning, so is now just a skinny person again - a skinny person with a baby. And, she took my baby name!!! Yes, I am a petty bitch - a bitch who now will not ever be able to use my baby name, if I ever actually can become pregnant.

Just want you to know that the Universe is shitting all over me too - I'm giving it a huge middle finger back for both of us.

Kitty said...

I take it your doc tested you for insulin resistance? That is a big contributor to weight gain. It caused me to put on a whole 9kg's (19.84 pounds) in my first 2 years of TTC! I finally learnt I had that 'issue' and have since lost all the weight. So it may be worth looking into. HOwever judging from your post it seems like the relevant tests have been done. Argh there's nothing more frustrating than fat days!!!!!!

Good luck!

one-good-egg said...

IF can kiss my fat ass too! I understand how you feel and have often joked that I have saddlebags on my hips and no horse! I used to be obessed with weightloss yet it still eluded me now it's IF and guess what? It eludes me too! It's a mystery I mean honestly...I am confident that we will both perserve it's not IF it's When! The minute my beta comes back, or I decide to POAS I am going right back to my jogging. Since, I have a forced break anyway. mY RE is gone until Jan. Good luck girl and hang in there!

Michelle said...

I'm hoping your new endo can find something that can be an easy fix for weight loss & TTC.
It's so hard to try and lose weight or even maintain weight while TTC. I have been wanting to start C25K forever but in the middle of an IVF cycle, that keeps getting canceled..doesn't work. Oh well.

InfertileNaomi said...

I think you look great and super skinny! Infertility can kiss your ass!

Kelly said...

I've gained about 12 pounds in the past year, while TTC. It's a sonofabitch. I feel ya.

heartincharge said...

I started my IVF stims tonight and I ran for my life on the treadmill since I gotta take it easy to avoid torsion now. I need to be pregnant to cover up the results of a cardio-free Thanksgiving.

Heather said...

I lost so much weight on a fertility diet I'm now trying to gain it all back!
I guess we really just have to love and accept ourselves, whatever our weight is.

Jacksmom said...

I am so with you. I joined a gym almost a month ago, and I've been once. I had surgery a week ago, I've had a period that won't end for almost a month now, and that just creates problems when I exert myself at the gym. I keep thinking maybe our IVF 3.0 cycle will do the trick and then I'll have a reason to be fat...one could hope right?!?! Happy ICLW!

Stephanie said...

Over from ICLW. I have to agree that not only is IF hard enough on its own, the additional weight you put on during treatments just adds to the frustration of it all.

ICLW #37

Maria said...

I LOVE the idea of invisible cellulite! Hahaha!!!! I'm crackin' up over here.

ICLW (working on getting added).

Lauren said...

Stopping by from ICLW. I totally understand how you're feeling. I gained 10 pounds from fertility treatments and I still haven't dropped all of them yet. It gets discouraging sometimes when the scale doesn't move! Hopefully we all have a good reason soon to put on some pounds.

Lu said...

I hear you. I gained 12 pounds during one of my first follistim cycles and it sucked trying to get it back off. To add insult to injury, I loved to drink wine and eat Oreos when my IVFs didn't pan out. So, instead of gaining baby weight, Nabisco and California wineries added to my bottom.

Amber said...

This post had me giggling! Invisible cellulite? That would be the best thing ever! The universe really should give us something in return for everything it's put us through. And really, is invisible cellulite to much to ask?

Amber, ICLW #117

Willow said...

I've gained so much weight during our 4 years of TTC, and wasn't allowed to do much exercise or diet during most of that time because it might hurt our chances of pregnancy, so I couldn't lose the darn weight! The hormones/meds didn't help, nor did the emotional eating when I got bad news. It really is depressing having gained weight in the pursuit of a baby, but not have a baby to show for it. At least when our son was a newborn, people would tell me how great I looked for having just given birth--of course I hadn't, since he's adopted, but it made me feel a little better that I looked good for a new mom ;) The thing you said about wanting to tell people you aren't really supposed to be this weight really struck a chord--I frequently slip into conversation with skinnier friends the phrase, "I used to be so skinny!" As if that makes it better. Ugh, the fun never stops with infertility...

MoonNStarMommy said...

I hear you... I can't seem to lose weight for nothing. There has to be major stress in my life, like a divorce, for me to lose weight. Yep... and I don't feel like getting another divorce, so....... I say ...... screw it!!! When I was suffering infertility, I heard my weight be used as an excuse, and .. well, it wasn't... phhhhhhhh ....Now I need some ice cream....~*~Happy ICLW~*~

runnyyolk said...

I hear you--my thought is if I can't be pregnant, can I least be skinny? I always wonder about the exercise during the 2ww. My theory is that if it's going to get knocked out that easily, you're probably not going to get to keep it anyways...

Circus Princess said...

I can't help but smile and nod knowingly when reading about your souvenir weight from IVF :)

Don't have any miracle solutions for loosing weight, but want to wish you the best of luck with that and your quest of having a baby!

Happy ICLW.

Nic said...

Found you through ICLW
I struggle with my weight and I put on 7 punds during my IVF. I am also not massively huge, just a little fatter than I would like!
Keep up the fight!

LisaB said...

Ugh, I'm going through the same thing! I can totally relate,
Happy ICLW!

Alissa S said...

Along with these other women...I too relate to your distress. PCOS is the culprit for me and it's killed me over the past few years. The weight keeps coming and I am not eating any more! Grrr....
Good luck with everything!
http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Emby said...

Hi! I found you through ICLW. I have always struggled with my weight and I finally just bit the bullet and did WW for 9 months last year. Thankfully, it worked for me, but I have heard people say they can't lose weight no matter what before. I am sure that is so frustrating.

You cracked me up when you said "it takes a lot of money and time to look naturally beautiful," because it reminded me of a line in the movie Steel Magnolias where Dolly Parton says "there is no such think as natural beauty." I love that movie!

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

Elaine VanDRiver said...

best.post.ever. You are hysterical! Hope you have a great week!!

~Elaine, ICLW

Damita said...

I feel the same, I try not to do too much execrise in the TWW so I end up putting on weight then being annoyed because I am not pregnant and I have now put on pounds.

*hugs*

Calmly Chaotic said...

This must be very stressful for you. It does kind of seem interesting - not in a good way - that perhaps this is all related. You sound so healthy... I can definitely understand the frustration. Have you ever thought about seeing a naturopathic doctor for a different opinion? Happy ICLW!

RELH said...

Happy ICLW #44

Jessica said...

I totally feel you. First off I WISH I was a size 12 LOL - I weight 246 - I lost over 80 lbs. on weight watchers years ago got down to 170 and within two years gained it back :*( I also struggle with the fact that I will not exercise if I think I could be pregnant - because to be honest my freaking body is not used to it. I have had two miscarriages already so I am sure as hell not gonna make my chances worse!
Anyways I wish you all the very best on your journey. The two week wait freaking sucks. I'll go through my first 2 ww since my second loss in the next month. Not looking forward to it. Much love to you <3
Happy ICLW!

Browniris said...

I feel like I can relate with a lot of what you are saying. It is SO frustrating. Try not to get too discouraged!

Happy ICLW!

Lisa Rouff, Ph.D. said...

What a great post! I think that this is something almost all of us in the IF community can relate to! I think it's important to remember that our society has some pretty crazy ideas about women's bodies and thinness. Add that to infertility, and you have the perfect recipe for being upset with your body. Sounds to me like you are extremely healthy and beautiful, not to mention very funny! I hope your IF journey ends very soon, and know that we've all been there!

Randi said...

Here from ICLW. It seems that so many women struggle with weight while doing IVF. The hormones just make our bodies so nutty things - and then it seems very hard to lose the weight again. Hang in there and be nice to yourself. We're all here supporting you. Sending prayers and sticky baby dust for your IVF cycle.

myinfertileconfessions said...

I feel your pain! I gained 10 pounds my first year of IF treatments... I lost it! I have always struggled with my weight and I never knew why (thank you pcos!). The best thing that worked for me what the Zone diet. I realized I was eating too many carbs (which we are told are healthy). I would eat Oatmeal, fruit and milk for breakfast (carb, carb, and carb). Now I eat eggs (protein and fat), and oatmeal OR fruit. It has changed the way I feel and how my body handles body FAT.

I am your new follower! Happy ICLW!

Di said...

Here for ICLW. I sincerely hope you get all of the answers you need for both the weight loss and the TTC. Wishing you luck that IVF 2.0 is successful if you decide to go for it.

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