PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Party That Wasn’t and The Letter That Was

Despite being a social person, I’ve been pretty damn anti-social this year. There are people I’ve managed to keep in my inner circle that know everything that’s been going on but there are many I’ve avoided. I’ve avoided some because I know they are going to ask me when I’m going to have children. I’ve avoided others because I know they are going to tell me they are pregnant and then, there’s a bunch of people I’ve avoided simply because I don’t have anything positive to say when they ask me what’s new.

Of course I know that that’s what friends are for; to listen and support when you need it. And yes, I’m sure people will like me no matter if I have good news or not but lately, when people ask, “How are you?”, my answers have ranged from, “You might not want to ask me that question” to “How am I? How am I? I suck! That’s how I am!” to “I’m beginning to understand Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining”. It has not been pretty.

I should just lie and give the standard, “I’m fine and you?” but I’m not fine. I mean, I’m functional and there have been great days sprinkled through out this past year of suckage but if I’m being totally blunt, if you asked me how I am, I think the best answer is that I’m hanging in. I suppose that’s the best response for anyone who has been trying to conceive for awhile. You hang in there and do what you can to maintain. Some days you win, some days you don’t. And then there are the days when comfort food, crying and mindless movies are a form of Prozac. Hey – whatever gets you through the day.

It will be my birthday next week. Since I’ve not been a happy TTC camper, I thought I would get over my recent anti-social behavior and invite a whole bunch of friends over. I should never have done this. It’s 2010 -- the year that will go down as the one that has consistently worked against me. Why did I possibly think I could pull off a birthday party? I can barely figure out what the f*ck to wear in the mornings. Really – it’s a miracle every time I show up to work in any out fit remotely coordinated.

I had invited about 20 people. 15 couldn’t make it (one of the problems with having so many friends in the creative world is they are often on tour or have a show, etc.) and 5 never even got back to me. As of right now, my birthday party will consist of my husband, my gay best friend and myself. Although this sounds like a great title for a sitcom and although I know we’ll have a great time no matter what we do, I can’t help but feel like quite the unpopular infertile.

If I think about it objectively, I know this isn’t personal. I sincerely have many amazing, wonderful friends. If anything, I’m just being a brat as they have all been there so often for me and the fact that this particular day doesn’t work for most of them shouldn’t make me this whiney. Also, do you ever notice that there’s always that one day or weekend of the year where everyone you know seems to schedule something at the same time? It’s this one magical date of the year when you seem to know someone getting married, a holiday party and a friend visiting all on the same day. I guess this year, that magical date is my birthday… and everyone just happens to be busy. Such is life.

Underlining my already bad mood, my period again arrived this morning. These days, when I see Aunt Flo’s dramatic appearance, I always think, “Fifteen thousand dollars”. This is how much another InVitro will cost and every time I don’t get pregnant the natural way, the more I think about how much it’s going to cost me. Is that terrible or what? My period used to be for free. Now, it’s literally costing me money. Fifteen thousand dollars to be exact.

Anyway, while in the process of bleeding and redefining how to celebrate my birthday, I got a voice mail from my first reproductive endocrinologist regarding the letter (see my previous post: His message was basically this:

“Thank you for your letter and for sending over your records from your recent surgery. I reviewed them as well as your entire chart and I understand your concern. As you know, we did a sono-hystereogram in February 2009 and there was no polyp then. I can send you copies of that if you like so I don’t it interfered with the procedures we did. I don’t think the polyp was why you haven’t gotten pregnant. That remains a mystery. I do understand your worry though and I’m not sure what you want to do with regards to your insurance coverage but if you’d like to speak to me further, please feel free to give me a call.”

Of course, I’m glad he called and acknowledged my letter. However, being told by a doctor (albeit maybe not the best doctor) on yet another cycle day one that he can’t figure out why you’re not getting pregnant isn’t what I would describe as a good feeling. He genuinely doesn’t seem to think it was the polyp and if that’s true, then what is the problem?

Also, it’s true that there was no polyp when he did the first test in February 2009. I get that but the fact remains that there was one found a little over a year later so it was there during my three inseminations and one IVF. I mean, it didn’t just grow in the month of May for crying out loud. It’s not a zit. It’s a polyp and polyps don’t grow that quickly. Besides, the second doctor saw the polyp on a boring old regular sonogram in June 2010, so I can’t help but wonder how it got missed through out all my sonograms and tests in April 2010 when we did the invitro.


I’m frustrated, pissed off and soon, I’ll be another year older with less money and no child. Now, more than ever, I must remember the good things or I seriously believe I may go on a murderous rampage this birthday. I’d invite people to join me on this rampage but odds are no one is available to join me.

I’m still glad I wrote the letter. I know we have our IVF 2 – Electric Bugaloo in the works and I know hope is not dead. If anything, hope is just bound and gagged and being held hostage in a closet somewhere.

So, yes; it would seem my birthday party is becoming a bit of a pity party. I’ll just have to pick another time to be social. Any which way, at least I’ll be surrounded by cake, a few loved ones and I get to wear a pity party hat. It will be combination of a party hat and tissue box.


Courtney said...

Ugh, I'm frustrated with you my friend. Wishing you all the best for your birthday and sending you loads of hope too. *hugs*

Michelle said...

That doctor sucks. I'm so sorry he refused to accept any responsibility. Do you think his offer to discuss the insurance is implying a free or discounted cycle? Would you even do it if it was?
Regarding your birthday party, you should invite all the tristate (me included, hahaha) infertiles and have a blast with people who understand :) j/k of course .. I'm just dying to have a twitter get together.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I am actually surprised he even responded to the letter. Are you going to respond to his message?

I'm sorry to hear all your friends are busy this weekend. It's a sucky feeling. I hope your husband and BFF make this a wonderful birthday for you!

Calmly Chaotic said...

Yikes it sounds like nothing is going your way at all. I find birthdays are always over hyped personally and find I have more fun in a really small group so hopefully your day will still be a good one. Crack open a nice bottle of wine and try to enjoy! Very frustrating about the RE but what did you expect? I hate to sound negative but regular doctor's largely don't tell you what you want to hear. Hoping things improve for you soon!

Kakunaa said...

Awww, rough day :( I am so sorry honey. HUGS.

Kelly said...

How are you going to respond to his reply?

Happy Birthday...and try to enjoy your friends who could make it. I get what you're saying about feeling isolated. Don't beat yourself up about your friends who didn't make it to your party. It be for a whole host of reasons. (((HUGS)))

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling like shit right now. Anyone going through all that you've been through would feel the same way.

I'm glad that crappy doctor contacted you, not that he really said anything worthwhile...

Have a good birthday, my dear. You really deserve it.

missohkay said...

I, for one, would love to attend your pity party if only I lived in the right part of the country... Happy Birthday. May the next year be the one.

Carli said...

I really am surprised that the doctor replied to your letter. Good for you for writing it.

As far as your birthday, I am really proud of you for even attempting to plan a party. I haven't had a birthday party since I was in high school. It kind of makes me sad that none of my birthdays in my adult like have been worth celebrating. I would definitely attend if I lived near you!!!

Cortney said...

I'm so sorry that your birthday party isn't working out. If it helps you feel any better, I had to work on my birthday, it was insanely busy and nobody there did anything to celebrate. So I totally feel your pain! If I didn't have to work every stinking weekend (and live so far away), I would totally come to your party!

Anonymous said...

Okay, as for the's not happening for a reason so take it as a blessing. You may have smashed cake in someone's face or punched someone. So, scratch the party sister and go take care of yourself. Screw all those people anyway! You only have to live with yourself everyday so go pamper yourself. Get a massage, manicure, pedicure, get the point. Your birthday is about you! Take the money you would have spent on the party and make it spoil you.
When I get down and out about this infertile drama I live I refocus. Sometimes that can be as insane as a life face lift. Take this beginning to your new year as your chance to focus on all the things that are truly important. You are going through all of this for something truly wonderful. When that day comes however it happens it will change your life forever. That is always a wake up call for me to get focused again. Love yourself today don't wait for tomorrow!!!

Tara dS said...

Maybe since you have a small turn-out, you could splurge more than you planned. Like go to a really awesome restaurant with a nice intimate setting for a small group. Spend the same amount of money on your little group of 3 people that you had planned to spend on your party for 20 guests.

Bonus of Aunt Flo's arrival... drink as much as you damn well want to on your birthday! :) Cheers!

Kitty said...

I feel your pain! I'm about to go into my 4th year of TTC and many 'empty' promises later - I'm still not pregnant....never have been and wonder sometimes if I ever will be!
I can totally identify with you thinking that your period costs you money - that's how I feel too! I see that bank balance and wonder if I'd be better off throwing it down the drain sometimes.....sigh.....but we plod on regardless and hope and hope and hope that oneday maybe someday we'll be blessed.
Hang in there..... it's the best we can do right?!

MyTTCstory said...

I also find myself avoiding occasions when I know I'll be asked the "so when are you going to have children?" question. It's so annoying!!

I hope you have a lovely time on your birthday, I'm sure your hubby & BF will make it special xx

Anonymous said...

Oh, girl. I know the feeling. I'm just about to get my period too and with all the PMS shit and TTC together I'm glad I don't have to work today otherwise I would kill someone and then finish it with myself :) maybe it's a good thing that no one can show up for your party.. maybe you should invite all the infertiles from this blog to celebrate with you... i bet there would be no stupid questions or jealousy.. we would just enjoy each other's infertile stories and compare how much money we flushed down the drain already in vain :)))
try to focus on yourself and pamper yourself if you can. and's hard (impossible) but worth a shot.

Kakunaa said...

I left you an award on my blog ;)

Michelle said...

I sometimes feel that the infertility doctors are not as good as they should be. Some are great, but most are just mediocre. Hang in there.


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