PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010: Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Ass On The Way Out

I have been thinking a lot about what to write as my last blog of 2010. My first inclination was to title this entry with, “Fuck Off 2010” but although I still strongly agree with the sentiment, it seemed a tad negative. Just a tad.

Then, I was thinking of reviewing all the reasons why this year sucked. The more I thought about that though, the more I realized that it wasn’t really necessary. Not only have many of you lovely, kind, patient people been reading all about my “Year of Suckage” regularly but to recapitulate all the things that went wrong in 2010 seemed too negative and useless.

It reminded me of a metaphor I heard years ago. I’m probably going to tell it wrong so bear with me… but it went like this: If you’re drowning and you have a weight strapped to your ankle keeping you under water, you don’t want to know how much it weighs, you just want to know how to get the damn thing off so you can come up for air. To me, that metaphor (even as badly as I just relayed it) is why I didn’t want to do a list of why I hate 2010. It was not a good year. We all know this. How is it going to help talking about it anymore than I already have? Also, maybe the old adage is true that if you ignore something, it’ll go away. I think I would like to spend the remaining hours of this unlucky year by ignoring it so that it will, in fact, truly fuck off once and for all.

So this leads me to what I do want to talk about. A few days before Christmas, I was doing what I usually do every morning: running to catch the subway. I’m always late to most everything. I was even born two weeks late. My mother said they were beginning to wonder if I was ever going to come out. I’m also not a morning person. If someone told me I was going to get the best oral sex of my life but it was scheduled for 6am, I’d tell them “No thanks” and I’d sleep in. That’s how much of a morning person I’m not.

As I was half asleep and running down the subway stairs, I was thinking of a million things: the end of the year, if I wrapped that present for my niece, why the homeless wait outside of ATM machines when clearly you don’t have change (otherwise why would you be at the ATM?) and how to fully enjoy the holidays without being able to eat cookies. That’s when suddenly, out of nowhere, I had a realization. I heard a voice in my head say as clear as a summer day, “You’re not the same person you were when you started this year.” It took my breath away. Well, running down the stairs didn’t help but you know what I mean.

Something about this realization made me sad. It was like after September 11th, 2001 when everyone kept saying, “Nothing is going to be the same anymore.” I HATED this statement. I knew they were right and I knew they didn’t necessarily mean things were going to be worse but that’s how it felt. As a New Yorker, I was perfectly happy with how everything was before September 11th and the thought of it being altered in any way deeply upset me. In reality, although things have changed, a new “normal” took its place. It’s not better or worse. It’s just different.

And I guess that’s how I am now. I’m not who I was at the start of the year but I’m not better or worse. I’m just different. There are parts that are improvements and there are parts that are… well, more damaged I guess. My level of hope (not to mention my bank account and sex life) have definitely taken some hits this year but on the positive, I learned how much I can rely on my sense of humor as a source of strength. I’ve also learned that there are people out there who sincerely are compassionate, understanding, supportive and generous in ways I’ve never thought possible (yes, I’m talking about you) and I’ve learned the importance of getting a second opinion as well as naming your uterine polyp simply because it CRACKED me up every time I referred to Jackson Polyp.

As much as I’ve gained (and lost), there are still a few lessons I struggle with like you can’t plan or worry about things months from now. I’m not always good at that one as I’m a very talented worrier but I do try to at least prioritize my worries now. Really – it’s come to that. I make a list of my worries and say, “Ok, I’ll worry about losing weight today and then tomorrow, I’ll worry about getting into a clinical trial for my next IVF!” Yes my friends; I’ve created a worrying schedule.

I’ve noticed I’m a little less social than I was at the beginning of the year (avoiding people, pregnancy talk or simply choosing to stay home and throw a pity party). I’m also less of a believer in “Things will work out somehow!” It’s not that I’ve lost hope. It’s just that instead of thinking, “Things will work out”, I think “I will find a way to deal with whatever happens.” I don’t know how things are going to work out. I REALLY know that now and they only way I can stay positive these days is not by having confidence in a happy ending, but by having confidence in me and my ability to get through it.

If someone put a gun to my head (and I hope that no one ever does) and yelled at me, “THINK OF THE MOST POSITIVE LESSON FROM THIS YEAR!” (which would be a weird thing for a gun man to say), it would be that even though I cried more this year than I can remember in recent history and even though the disappointments were impressively painful and numerous, I survived it. I’m 20 pounds heavier, thousands of dollars lighter, a bit more cynical and much less optimistic but dammit, I made it through. I’m like the runner who barely crosses the finish line an hour late, bullet ridden, looking like shit and panting like a dog – but I STILL finished the marathon that was 2010.

If we stick with the 2010 “Marathon Metaphor” one paragraph more -- All of you who have commented or follow me on Twitter or Facebook, have been the ones who have cheered me on and handed me cups of water along the way. I want to take this moment and thank you for that. Making fun of fertility issues by your self is one thing. Having people laugh at it along with you is entirely another. As an occasional comic, I can affirm that one person laughing at their own joke can look strange (especially if you’re walking down a street alone giggling) but a group of people laughing together makes the joke that much more funny.

So, in closing, I officially say “Fuck off 2010” and may 2011 NOT suck.

30 comments:

Cortney said...

I want to say a big F-U to 2010 as well! Thanks for summing it up so nicely! May we all cross the finish line of 2011 with dreams fulfilled!!!

missohkay said...

I think back to the frustration my DH & I felt at this time last year and marvel at how naive we were - we hadn't experienced anything really hard yet! But I'm so glad to have "met" you all. You and Jackson Polyp were among the first people I followed! On with 2011!!!!

Negative Nelly said...

Best.post.ever. Couldn't have said it better myself. FU 2010 as well!!!

Kakunaa said...

Fan-freaking tastic. As in could read this in a newspaper/magazine (ummm, cleaned up a bit for language, LOL) good.

And the morning person thing? SOOOOO funny! I love following your story, hon. I am looking forward to 2011 kicking 2010's ass!

fertilefaith said...

And thank YOU for sharing your journey with all of us and for keeping it real. 2010 blows....hello 2011!

E and R said...

I'm on the FU 2010 bandwagon too! Won't be sorry to see it go one little bit! Now just hope that 2011 is a MUCH better year than this one was!

Single Mom 2b said...

I'm sensing a theme in closing out 2010 across many of the bloggers in the infertility world, myself included. Times have been tough but we believe in ourselves and the future. I say FU 2009 & 2010 and bring on a whole new and miraculous decade with 2011!!!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Thanks for making us laugh all through 2010! You have helped me more than you know! A big FU to 2010 and may 2011 kick ass!

C said...

I would also like to tell 2010 to fuck off! And 2011 better be an improvement or I'm going to punch it in the face!

Kanis said...

In order to make it through this IF crap, we have to laugh. I'm all for gallows humour. It's my coping mechanism. So let me join you in screaming a huge FU to 2010 and may 2011 not suck.

ADSchill said...

Well said! I have been thinking about all the things you posted and I think many of us can completely identify with them. 2010 sucked balls. Bad. I hope this next year holds much more hope for us.

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Heidi said...

great post! when i found your blog this past year, it was exactly what i needed--a sense of support, a good laugh, valuable lessons and education on infertility, and links to other women experiencing the same scary emotions and needles. so thank you for using the talents that God has given you to help others! Whether you're religious or not, I always try to remember this verse in Matthew 6: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Cheers to 2011, replacing worry with hope and faith!

arohanui said...

Jackson Polyp. Classic.

I am not a morning person either. Never have been. Was saving that inconvenience for when I had children. I have however, carefully considered your theoretical 6am wake-up call, and I do believe that would be acceptable (provided I got to go back to sleep afterwards) ;-)

Welcome 2011. Haere mai, haere mai, haere mai!

unaffected said...

I share your sentiment when it comes to the past shitstorm of a year. Here's to a better 2011!

Alex said...

Great post! Fuck off 2010!!!

Nic said...

Fuck off 2010!!
This year has sucked ass!
I really hope 2011 is so much better for us all
x

kkasun said...

I'm with you! 2010 is probably the worst year in memory for me.

Fuck off 2010 will be my toast tonight!

Red Power Ranger said...

Brilliant and Dito!! 2010 can kiss my unpregnant arse.. Live the feeling of a new year and clean slate. We can't change the past, so let's look forward to the year ahead...

Raise your glass and let 2010 kiss our arse!

lowfatlady said...

I hope that 2011 sucks a lot less for you and that 2011 brings you many unexpected joys. Happy new year!

sienna said...

let's say fuck off to 2010 and 2011 just HAS TO BE BETTER. you said good riddance to that idiot first RE of yours, you have a great new doc now, and i'm hoping like hell that you get approved for that ivf study. see, things are looking up already. you're a year closer to your baby than you were last year, and i hope there are only *months* left till you get that sticky bfp. here's to a much better 2011 :o) xoxo.

Nadine @ BDG said...

You should be proud of your accomplishments of 2010-- endurance is underrated. Kick some ass 2011-- and who knows, this may be the year you become a morning person. xo

Lori said...

Right there with you sister! Could totally relate to this post. The best thing that happened to me this year was my book was published, but in order for that to happen, so did six years of infertility that was the content for the book.

May 2011 be much, much better for us all!

Jen said...

We did it!!! We survived the horror show of 2010! The marathon isn't quite over, but we are going to finish this bitch, and hug and cry like crazy at the finish line. Go team 2011!

Secret Sloper said...

I love these lessons you have learned, I love acknowledging that you're a survivor, and I love that you have found us all. I hope this lays a great foundation for an unbelievably wonderful 2011.

Anonymous said...

2010 has been a "year of suckage" for me too. I saw a quote somewhere that said "Infertility, we're going to kick your ass this year." I loved that. Have hope!

Rambler said...

Just recently found your blog and thrilled to pieces! OMFG, 2010 can suck it! Glad to see the calendar change and find such witty blogs as yours! Look foward to following the journey (and the journey of the polyp!).

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm a good worrier, too, and the idea of prioritizing them is fascinating ;)
Hoping that 2011 will be much better than 2010.

Dana said...

You always make me laugh and did several times in this post. I hope that 2011 doesn't suck.

bodegabliss said...

This was awesome. Yours is by far better, but I wrote a similar post and wanted to just write "F* You, 2010," and be done with it, but I forced myself to do otherwise. I also cried more than any other year in my life, and definitely stayed in my house for the majority of it, just like you (glad to know I wasn't alone in, um, staying home alone). I couldn't be happier to see 2011.

Anonymous said...

2010 was also my worst year! That's the year that I got married, by my mom promptly came down with a serious illness requiring long-term, full-time elder care so I had to drop my life and tend to hers. That delayed my child-bearing attempts until I was 38, and surprise surprise: I found out I'm infertile! I'm glad you eventually got a happy outcome.

The best thing that happened as a result (and this is REALLY trying to contrive a silver lining), is that someone who I thought was a great friend kicked me HARD while I was down, so I ended up dropping her as a friend. I guess you could say that was the upside to a shitty year--my friends revealed their true personality & I found out who was only there when they needed me & not the other way around.

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