PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Hope Sinks (Momentarily)

Recently, I came across a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche that read, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man.” My first reaction when reading this was, “Wow. That Nietzsche! What a bummer!

My second reaction was, “Ummmm. He does sort of have a point.

When struggling through any trying time, no matter the issue, hope is often what I cling to. I hope things work out exactly as I want them to and the promise of that happy ending keeps me going. Hope though, at least in my little fertility challenged brain, can often be confused with total belief and that is where things can get dangerous. I can hope things will work out but I have to remember that hope comes with no guarantees. Hope doesn’t even come with a warranty.

I mention this because I’ve never been an optimist. For me, the glass isn’t just half empty -- it’s also filled with the entirely wrong beverage. That’s not to say that I’m a totally negative person. I just tend to prepare for the worst and more often than not, the worst is exactly what I get.

However, despite the fact that I’ve been trying to accept the possibility that I may never have children, I recently came down with a bad case of optimism. The past cycle was an all around positive one. It was my birthday and Thanksgiving so I was relaxed, happy and well fed. Also, I don’t want to brag but our ‘trying to conceive timing’ was spot on. Even the face our Ovulation Prediction Kit was impressed. At least I think that's what the smile meant. Then, in the last week of my two week wait, I noticed I hadn’t had my usual PMS Symptoms. I started to wonder, “Wow. Could this be it? Am I finally pregnant?

Then, the cramps began. Then, the spotting. Optimism over. Blinding pessimism returned. I was actually mad at myself for even entertaining the thought of success. How could I have let myself get that hopeful when nothing ever seems to work? Damn you hope! Damn you straight to hell!

The day my period started, I had an all out meltdown. Pajamas, ice cream, any sappy Sandra Bullock movie I could get my hands on and a whole lot of hysterical crying. The next morning, I saw my reproductive endocrinologist and told him about my current state (minus the Sandra Bullock movies). I asked him why I should even bother spending my entire savings on a second IVF when nothing has worked so far. He listened to my whining, offered me some encouraging statistics and what he would do differently from my first IVF. As we started to discuss how much all this would cost me and how I would most likely have to sell an organ or two to pay for it, he stopped and said, “Oh wait. I think you may qualify for a clinical trial we’re doing.”

A clinical trial? What does that mean?” I asked.

It would mean a free IVF cycle.” He said while rummaging through the appropriate paper work.

I’m sorry, what?!? Free? FREE? My husband had to physically restrain me from jumping into the doctor’s lap and kissing him passionately. I’ve always loved free stuff, but free fertility stuff? That gets me hot.

Sam and I fit into everything the trial requires; age, health, what we’ve already tried, economics, etc. The ONLY thing I have to do in the next three weeks is lose two pounds in order to fit into the weight range they are looking for. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a big deal. Don't get me wrong. Losing weight in general is like trying to get blood from a stone for me but trying to lose two pounds over the holiday season in particular is rather a challenge. In the last week alone, a client sent me a huge box of cookies, an Uncle of mine gave me an entire tower of treats and at a holiday party this weekend, I had fruit for dessert while everyone else ate cupcakes.

Mmmmm. Cupcakes…

Still though, if it means I’ll save $15,000… I will eat my watermelon and I will like it.

After I lose the weight and after they do several tests on both Sam and I, we will find out if we will definitely be accepted into the clinical trial. Although I’m still nervous about the whole experience, having the financial strain removed would be a HUGE help. Plus, if I could lose a few pounds, then get pregnant with a free IVF AND save my end of the year bonus, I'd be happier than a bird with a French fry.

No really... have you ever seen a bird with a French fry? That's PRETTY damn happy.

So, I’m not sure how to feel. Should I let hope prolong my torment as Nietzsche said? Or do I give in to optimism and start believing that things may actually work out? My therapist says that I should stay positive, take one day at a time and accept whatever the outcome is knowing that I did my best. That's great advice but it’s easier said than done.

The only thing I know for sure is carrot sticks don’t taste nearly as good a chocolate chip cookies and Nietzsche is dead and of little use to me right now.

29 comments:

Melissa said...

Hope & faith- keep it up without it we have nothing

Josey said...

Wow, that is AWESOME news!!!!! Can't wait to hear how this all turns out!

arohanui said...

Give in to Optimism!! That's great news regarding the clinical trial. Good luck, I really HOPE you get accepted :)

Kakunaa said...

Mmmm, chocolate! Free IVF???? Can I move to where you are? That would be so amazing. I would say stay positive, but realistic. Does that make sense? Good luck.

Nancy@thefertilityblogs said...

That's great news. So just postpone the holiday festivity foods and change the date of xmas to a month in the future. It's well worth it!

missohkay said...

The half-empty glass filled with the wrong beverage is priceless, ha. I consider myself an optimistic person even while preparing for the worst... but maybe I'm just in denial :) I really, really hope things work out for you this time.

Carli said...

Wow! What amazing news about the clinical trial. I know that it isn't definite yet, but to even have every single qualifier met (with the exception of the 2 pounds) is absoulutely amazing.
I know loosing 2 pounds over Christmas is next to impossible - but one should never test an infertile on a mission. You can do it!
Give in to optimism. Maybe it will get you somewhere this time!

one-good-egg said...

yeah free stuff so happy for you!!! GL on this free cycle! www.one-good-egg.blogspot.com

AL said...

Realistic hope & taking it one day at a time. Easier said than done, yes, but the only way to move forward, I think.

The free IVF cycle is AWESOME! It sounds like you are determined and will lose those two pounds over the holidays - I hope the two pounds come right off and all the other tests qualify you and your hubby.

Cam said...

I really hope you're accepted into the trials! That sounds like wonderful news.

ADSchill said...

You took the words right from my mouth. I am the exact same way with hope and preparing for the worst. I don't think of myself as negative either, but boy does it suck when you DO hope for once and get let down again.
Do the trial and stay neutral if you can. Don't expect anything and keep yourself busy. That's what I try to do...as hard as it is.

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Heidi said...

oh holy awesome! now to me, that is God trying to tell you not to give up hope! and i'd rather exercise more than restrict during the holiday season...who can say "no" to puppy chow?! i believe in prayer and will be praying for you!

Lindsay said...

Wow, just think, its only two pounds! Thats is, just two. Cupcakes are nice but this is so much nicer. Sending many positive thoughts your way!

Tara dS said...

If you feel happy and hopeful, then I say roll with it. Why try to stop yourself from feeling good? Enjoy your holidays and hope you get that free IVF- but mostly hope it WORKS!!!

CW said...

classic post. but seriously clinical trial how awesome.

but back to the post this comment "For me, the glass isn’t just half empty -- it’s also filled with the entirely wrong beverage." was pure gold. still laughing!

lowfatlady said...

A clinical trial that is free? How awesome is that!!!! I'm so happy for you. What are they going to try with the trial?

sienna said...

this is AWESOME AWESOME news. i have my toes and fingers crossed for you guys that you get accepted. this is your magic ticket!! i hope those pounds melt away :o) xoxo.

Anonymous said...

One of my good friends got pregnant with a free IVF. They were doing a study on different progesterone. Sending you tons of luck!

Anonymous said...

I am going to be HOPEful for you! You definitely deserve a break, and I hope 2011 is the year you become a mom!

The Baby Race said...

Free IVF???!!! That's AWESOME. No cookie is worht $15000. Start munching on those carrot sticks!

And good luck! :)

Meg Coldwells said...

This is fantastic news!! Clinical Trial...why didn't someone bring that info to you sooner? Well, never mind, it is here now and you're gonna get in!! Forget "HOPE" that is a useless word, start visualizing (while you eat those carrots) that it is a DONE DEAL, you are in, and working that F-R-E-E program! (happy, happy, happy) And while you are doing the clinical trial, start visualizing your pregnant, gorgeous body and that HEALTHY baby...
as well as VISUALIZING holding that healthy, sweet child in your arms...Hold those visions in your brain throughout...like I said, forget "HOPE" that is a lame word, got to go for the "assumed close" here and make it happen. You can do it!!! I am rooting for you, and I AM VISUALIZING the next blog, "The Nine Month Wait"
xoxoo Meg

Red Power Ranger said...

Win win from what I can see! Lose a couple of pounds and save $15,000!! In Aus we say "like a seagull on a hot chip"... Best of luck!!

Conceptionally Challenged said...

That would be an awesome opportunity -- fingers crossed that it all works out for you! Particularly the take-home-baby bit, of course.

Navy Bean said...

Congratulations! That's such exciting news! While I completely relate to everything you've said about hope, you absolutely cannot lose it. Hang in there... it WILL happen and you will forget all the pain you've gone through. One day you'll look back on it and say, "what was I so stressed about?!"xoxo

Kelly said...

Here's hoping! That would be amazing!

heartincharge said...

Awesome! I'd love to help! Send me all the cookies and cupcakes people try to give you:)

Jem said...

2 pounds? A piece of cake! uh, or rather, no cake, or bread. Totally worth it for free IVF!


~Jem (ICLW #5)
http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com/

Hopeful said...

I did a google search for a blog with the words trial and IVF and found you. I will HOPEfully be in the same study. It sounds like we are on the same timeline. Looking forward to your future posts. Romans 5:1-8 (in short)says: tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint.

Heather said...

I can't help but root for you so hard right now even tho I think I know the outcome. It's like a freakin Sandra bullock movie. You really do NEED to publish this blog! I've come to some conclusions through out reading all your old posts and one is: paying for a baby is like paying to take a sh!t. Both should really happen naturally.

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