PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Bikini Waxing: The IVF Special

Whenever I’m about to do any fertility related activity such as an insemination or an in vitro, I always make an extensive to do list. This list usually entails doing things around the apartment (changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom, etc.) that will make bed rest easier or more comfortable. I also make a movie list or get a new book or even schedule some phone calls with fun people who will keep me laughing while I rest on the couch and hope for some embryos to implant. Really – anything that will keep my mind at ease or ways to make whatever process I’m subjecting myself to more comfortable.

As you may remember from my last IVF (http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2010/04/bikini-wax-bruises.html), one of the biggest things on my ‘to do’ list is to get a bikini wax. This is always at the top of the list. I’m a firm believer in when you have company, you should clean up. I’m also sensitive to the fact that unlike with inseminations, you’re knocked out for IVF’s. I have this fear that once you’re unconscious, they all discuss your grooming habits. I realize this is totally insane, but here is what I imagine:
The anesthesiologist would say to me, “Ok Jay, count back from ten. That’s good.” He’d then turn to all the other doctors and say, “I think she’s out everyone.”
The Reproductive Endocrinologist would then say to embryologist and nurses, “Let’s get started. Wow! I guess it’s obvious she’s Italian, huh?"

To which a nurse would respond with, “Jeez, does anyone have some hedge clippers???”
I would hope that the doctors in the room have more important things to discuss but let’s face it, when you’re having your eggs retrieved, your vagina has the starring role. Literally – the curtain comes up and a spotlight is shined directly on it. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for IVF 2 – The Sequel! Starring… Jay’s Vagina!

Although the results of bikini waxing are always lovely, the whole ordeal is a cruel joke on women who want to be… well… tidy. They are painful, you never get used to them and they are always embarrassing on one level or another. This reminds me of a story a friend of mine shared with regards to getting waxed. She went into a salon and the sign said ‘BIKINI WAXING… $15 - $25’. My friend asked the lady at the salon why the range and the lady explained that the price reflected how much waxing was necessary. So, they went into the back room and my friend took her pants off and got on the table. The woman looked at her and said, “Oh my god! Definitely $25 at least... and cancel my next appointment!

Today, I’m on treatment day four and I figured I’d better just get this over with and get waxed. I have been dreading this more than I’ve been dreading getting the hormone injections in my stomach but it’s worth it. What I didn’t expect was that my ovaries already feel a bit swollen so having some woman pour hot wax on me and pull the skin tight was a whole new level of suckage. Again though, it’s worth it. I won’t have my p*ssy embarrassing me in the operating room.

Making matters worse, the woman who did the waxing today continued talking on her cell phone while ripping the hair out of my body. Part of me was impressed at her ability to multi-task but part of me couldn't help but be insulted that my hoo-hah wasn’t as riveting as the conversation she was having with her sister-in-law.

To regain her interest, I casually said that I was cleaning up because I’d be having surgery soon. This got her attention long enough to ask her sister-in-law to hold on a minute. She asked, “What kind of surgery?

I explained it was for IVF and a lot of people would be seeing the area. Suddenly, waxing my bush became a commentary on her skill as an artist. She hung up the phone, put her glasses on and studied the area as if she was intending on making the hair into a specific shape.

She threw herself into the task like Edward Scissorhands working on one of his many masterpieces. When she took out the tweezers, I said, “Ummm, listen. It just needs to be cleaned up. No one is going to be studying it with a magnify glass.” Still though, she persisted in her precision. Ten minutes later, she was done and had a proud smile on her face. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if she even signed her name somewhere on my thigh directly under her work. She quickly picked up her cell phone and for one second, I seriously thought she was going to snap a picture and send it to her sister-in-law with a note, “Check this out!” but luckily, she was just picking up their conversation where it previously had left off.

Clearly, this woman could appreciate my fear of going into an egg retrieval with an unkempt area. Now, whenever the retrieval happens, I can envision this conversation with total confidence:

The anesthesiologist would say to me, “Ok Jay, count back from ten. That’s good.” He’d then turn to all the other doctors and say, “I think she’s out everyone.”

The Reproductive Endocrinologist would then say to embryologist and nurses, “Let’s get started. Wow! Check this out! It reminds me of my Chihuahua! So smooth and clean!

To which a nurse would respond with, “I've never seen something so precise. Bring the interns in here, they need to see this!"
Well, at least this is what I imagine…

45 comments:

Katie said...

I am CRYING at my desk at work... This is hysterical!

I seriously love you.

SLESE1014 said...

OMG...I'm wiping the tears from my eyes...thanks for a good laugh...I had laser therapy to get rid of the hair b/c I was too afraid of waxing. I had to stop treatment when I had my chemical pregnancy in November. I'm seriously wondering if I should go for a waxing to tidy things up. It's not horrific, but I'm not ready for a show down there...

Good luck! I've got some time before I have to make the waxing decision.

Jenny said...

So. Very. True. I don't know why I'm less embarrassed for my waxer to thoroughly check me out than my gyno, but I aim to be well groomed throughout....

runnyyolk said...

Oh my god, I totally laughed out loud at the "she must be Italian" comment. Hilarious.

AL said...

hahha, I love the picture of the little boy with the scissors .. scary! glad you're all prepped and ready to go for retrieval!

Lulu said...

HA! Hilarious!

Alex said...

Love this - so true! And I can't believe she was talking on her cell phone...

Red Power Ranger said...

The lengths we go to hey!! V funny! I had to have a full leg and bikini wax, and a pedicure before I was due to have my son. I don't think Dr's and nurses care, but we still have to!

Best wishes!!

Bobbi said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for the laugh. :)

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Oh - I always worry what they are saying about me! I didn't get waxed though...so I guess that don't care that much!

Tillie said...

omgomgomgomgomgomgomg i cannot stop giggling. you crack me the freak up.

Cheers said...

Bwahahaha best laugh in a long time.... thank you!!

Anonymous said...

oh boy.... that's was the best laugh I've gotten for a very long time :)))
i'm so happy you blog more often. It's like christmas every other day :))

Heather said...

Oh man I love this post. Thankfully I'm in the $15 category. LOL!

The Baby Race said...

I seriously always get bikini waxes before all the babymaking procedures. I think it's good karma for my ladybits. :)

LOVE LOVE that she put so much effort to make sure your lady bits were ready for the big event. :)

-@EsqWearsPrada

ADSchill said...

I have so blogged about this situation before. Not waxing, cause honestly I don't think I could handle it, but I DO shave before someone is going to look down there.

I loved your take on keeping tidy!

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Single Mom 2b said...

OMG! This is simply too funny! I like to be groomed appropriately but rarely go for the wax (I'd love to spend the money on laser - if I wasn't spending it on IVF).

Never thought about what is said when I'm out... and the curtain comes up. I have a tattoo in that hidden area that I got in my early 20's... and have so forgotten is there. Something to obsess over as I go in for IVF #2

Thanks for a timeless laugh!

Marissa said...

Yeah, I "clean up" too.

Don't you love the Victorian sex sheet thing they use? With the strategically-placed cut-out?

Good luck!

Andrea said...

Oh my gosh! I'm nearly peeing my pants!!!

I get it, totally! I've been contemplating a full brazilian prior to having our baby. As you say, I think the observation gallery will appreciate things being tidy :)

On a serious note, I'm sending hugs and well wishes for your cycle. I've been there and its so trying emotionaly. Loads of baby dust to you! Praying for your miracle.

Heidi said...

i'm dying laughing about the "definitely $25" comment! still laughing, actually! lovin' that the ball is rolling again--prayers that follies grow perfectly and eggs are plentiful!!!

Michelle said...

Your hilarious.
I'm too scared to go get waxed.. I should tho. :)

Slackie O. said...

Well Jay, I AM impressed! I guess I really am "the littlest hippie" (my family nickname from college days)... my doc is lucky if I shave my legs! Haven't bothered yet for this current cycle. Ain't nobody ever gonna groom me to the nth degree ;)

Jess said...

And some publisher told you that infertility is too depressing for a book? His loss!

This is so funny and true- thanks for the laugh!

Ana said...

LOL!! I know what you mean. I always groom down there before I go to the doc. I never want to be the woman with hairy issues down there. Although I do go with hairy legs, maybe they refer to me as "the hairy leg lady". hehe

Cristy said...

Oh, I'm in pain!!!! Absolutely hysterical! After too many failed attempts with wax, I've stuck with trimming and shaving, but I see your point. Anyway, thank you so much for the belly laughs.

BTW: best of luck with this cycle. I'm hoping this is the one.

Dawn said...

Dang, that made me laugh! I always thought I was paranoid, but you have made me feel downright slovenly. No waxing for me. I avoid pain--especially in that area. Thanks for the laugh and good luck with this cycle!!!!

Dawn Davenport
Host of Creating a Family: Talk about Infertility and Adoption
www.CreatingaFamily.org

Glass Case of Emotion said...

This is awesome! And I had the nurses comment on my "grooming" to me once before. I was mortified, even though it was a compliment. I asked her if it's something they discussed and she said yes! And then my RE started joking about it. AH!

annoyed army wife said...

"When you have company, you should clean up." That is the best line I've read in awhile. I do the same thing every time anyone has a remote chance of 'visiting'. Thursday is treatment #6 of laser hair removal - full brazilian (with a landing strip). I used to think waxing was painful, but I learned a whole new level of pain having a laser zap the hair away.

That is highly unprofessional for your waxer to be on her phone, however.

Kakunaa said...

My RE has seen everything from full fur to naked on me. She must think I have issues with decisions, LOL.

I hadn't shaved in months because, well, I can't see down there anymore! But last week I was feeling snarky and used a trimmer while I was sitting to get cleaned up. I promptly landed in the hospital that night and had my lady bits out and on parade for 3 days. VERY happy I landscaped, LOL.

lowfatlady said...

hahaha. I'm glad you were able to get the lady off the phone and pay good attention to you. Love the RE and the nurses potential commentary. I read it to my hubby and he cracked up ;)

amiracle4us said...

bahahaha...this was exactly what I needed!!

arohanui said...

This was very funny. I cannot believe she kept talking with her sister like that! (I wouldn't like to take a culture swab from her cellphone!).

Egg retrieval isn't done under general here, only analgesia with sedation, so at no time are women unconscious. All the same, as a female doctor who sees many vaginas, the extent of pubic hair is never an issue. It just doesn't register. The only time I even "notice" something, is with the full Brazilians. Which to be frank, just look weird.

Good luck for this cycle!

bodegabliss said...

You're hilarious.

Stephanie Baffone said...

So funny! My favorite line, "I'm a believer that you should clean up if you're going to have company." HILARIOUS!

It's been great to connect on Twitter and here on your blog. TTC is horrible. Just horrible but the funny helps. Good luck. I'm thinking about you, Jay.

WaitingVicky said...

I didn't groom before my lap for endo. I went in with underwear on, and woke up naked from the waist down with a nurse placing a pad between my thighs. I was so naive (stupid) back then, it didn't occur to me people would be looking at my lady parts. I was embarrassed again when seeing doctor and he sprung wandy on me- having no warning of visitors coming, I hadn't tidied up! Maybe I need to make more of an effort on a regular basis?

Thanks for the laughs, as always :)

Meg said...

HILARIOUS! Any women that has jumped through all of the infertility hoops completely understands this one. Nothing like a little violation on a beautiful day.

Roccie said...

"My what a pretty cooter you have."

Best wishes.

foxinthehenhouse said...

You crack me up. It's sad, but I've given up on all that at this point.

Moon said...

OMG this is such a funny post!! I hope they appreciated the work you've had done :o)
Moon

btw, I left you a blog award on my latest blog post, enjoy

Recipe for a baby said...

HAHAHAH, you're too funny :) Actually I need to make an appointment for a waxing before my FET next week, when my p*ssy is on show!

Nadine @ BDG said...

I'm dying-- too dang funny.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I know I'm joining this a bit late (year and a half after the original post) but as I am having IVF & was wondering whether to do my bikini line this came up in a google search. Guess I'll be getting a tidy up before tomorrow now... lol

Anonymous said...

Thank you! It was nice to have a giggle.

Two days from my first egg collection and an hour and a half before my appointment for a Brazilian wax and I have no idea what to do. I'm definitely a $25 girl. I'm not sure I want to join the production line (read waiting room) for day surgery on Monday feeling like the one who hasn't bothered. But... Is it really appropriate to have hot wax spread on my girly bits at this point when I've been looking after myself so carefully?

I'm pretty sure this wasn't what they meant when they told me to "avoid stress".

Anonymous said...

Thank you for making me laugh!!

Anonymous said...

This may be the best thing I've ever read!!! I've been googling "is it okay to get a bikini wax on stims?" (like such a psycho). Thank you for the comedy!

Post a Comment