PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Getting My Big Girl Panties Out of the Dryer

My friend Aimee is one of the most laid back people I know. Although she doesn’t smoke pot, she always seems like she’s on pot, which may not be a bad way to be. I was catching up with her recently and she was telling me about how her car was stolen. What amazed me was she said it as if she was casually telling me about a dentist appointment. She said, “Yeah..." while flipping her hair over her shoulder, "So the car’s gone. It’s a drag but what can you do. Wanna grab lunch?”

Let me just point out that if MY car were stolen, you'd hear about me on the news. I'd be freaking out and telling anyone and everyone who’d listen. I’d lament for hours about how much money it was going to cost me, how I don't even know what kind of car to buy and I’d have a dramatic, emotional monologue memorized about how the universe hates me. The phrase, “It’s a drag but what can you do” would never be included anywhere in this monologue.

That being said, I really do marvel and admire her attitude and I think I need to start using the word “drag” more in my vocabulary. The word “drag” (other than when it’s used in a RuPaul context) seems to imply that it’s a bummer but it’s not the end of the world. There’s also something momentary about the word “drag”. If something is a drag, it seems like it’ll only last for a day and not for an eternity. No one will ever say "Eternity is a drag."

Last Friday, I met with the clinic to discuss participation in the clinical trial. We're still not officially in but we had to go over the details in order to see if we qualify. My husband and I sat in a room that looked like a law library and read long, boring intricate documents about what the trial entails; the rules, requirements and procedures. As my husband and I initialed each page to confirm we not only read it but that we stayed awake while reading it, I started to get depressed. I turned to Sam and said, “This is so sad. Some people just have sex. We have to sit here and go through paperwork about risks, injections and follicles.”

He said, “Just remember – if we weren’t doing this trial, we’d be doing all of this anyway, but it would be costing us thousands of dollars.”. It was a very good point.

The paperwork for the trial read like a fertility-like board game:
  • You must have three decent sized follicles by day eight or you’re out of the trial.
  • You can’t have more than thirty follicles by day eight or you’re out of the trial.
  • You must not take any medication other than what we give you, or you’re out of the trial.
  • If you can’t come to our office 10 – 26 times during the trial, you’re out of the trial.
  • If you show any signs of enjoying the trial, then you’re out of the trial.
Some of these things, I can control but some of it, I can’t. If I had it my way, I’d control pretty much everything in the world but obviously, that’s not going to happen. Not unless I get that magic wand I’ve been wanting since I was five years old. Where do they sell that wand anyway????

Even though the whole paperwork experience was… well… a drag, I did enjoy the woman who went over everything with us. She happens to have the same name as a famous actress but obviously, I don’t want to use her real name here. For the sake of this blog though, we’ll call her Drew Barrymore. Who doesn't love Drew Barrymore?

Drew Barrymore explained what drug we’d be trying (if we get in), how it works, that it’s already legal in Europe (I feel like I’m actually trendy for once in my life) and that whether we’re in the regular group or the test group, any of the injections WILL work... so it won’t be a wasted cycle.

I've lost the two pounds required to be in the trial but being that two pounds still is a little too close for comfort, I’m desperately trying to lose four more pounds. My official weigh in date will be the same day I have to give blood: Cycle Day 2 of my next period. After that, we should get the final word on whether or not we're accepted. It sucks that they are going to weigh me when I’m my most bloated but it is what it is. I am warning everyone in the room though that if I get naked to weigh as little as possible, they should not A) be surprised or B) take any photos.

They did some preliminary blood work on me and we set up an orientation class for the 18th. Sam was also asked to come in to give a sperm analysis. This led to a slightly awkward conversation. Drew Barrymore was holding her clipboard when she said to him, “If you’re coming in for the class on the 18th, you can do the sperm analysis then! That'll work out nicely!

Sam looked at her for a minute. You could tell he was trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. He cleared his throat and said, “Um, well, actually… it’s my birthday the weekend before and we’re going away and um… well… I want to enjoy myself.”

Drew Barrymore stared blankly like he was an abstract painting.

Sam repeated his statement as if he was talking to someone who was either deaf or who didn't speak English, “You knooooow. ENJOY. MYSELF.”

She suddenly got it. “Ahhhh! I see. Well, then just schedule a time later that week. Have fun!!!

Yesterday, Drew Barrymore called me at work to confirm that the doctor signed off on all of our paperwork. She also added, “And you’re going away this weekend, riiiiiggght? Well, enjoy! And you never know! Maybe you’ll get pregnant!”

I love that thanks to Sam’s comments, Drew Barrymore now immediately associates our weekend away with a total f*ck fest when I honestly think Sam just wanted to at least have the option. Mind you – if this weekend DOES turn into a f*ck fest, I will not necessarily be complaining. I'm just sayin.

In terms of this weekend resulting in a pregnancy however, I’d be downright shocked. I’ve already ovulated this week and in the almost two years I’ve been trying to get pregnant, it’s never happened. I can’t see it finally coming through for us this weekend when I plan to be drunk and in a Jacuzzi as often as possible. No really, I put it on my day planner: January 14th – January 18th: Drunk and in Jacuzzi.

Since I will be missing work here and there, I decided to FINALLY tell my boss what’s going on. My first sentence was, “We’re going to talk about my uterus but just stay strong and we’ll get through this together.” I told him everything very matter of fact. That we’ve been having fertility issues for awhile now and we have an opportunity to be a part of a clinical trial that may entail me missing work here and there. Despite his obvious discomfort (he backed away from me on his rolling chair as if infertility was contagious), he was very understanding and wished me luck.

And so, here we are. It’s 2011. I’ve lost some weight, I’m getting ready for my second IVF through a carefully organized Clinical Trial, my main contact at the clinic was in Charlie’s Angels (sort of) and this weekend will be the last weekend for awhile that my body will be my own. Wow. That’s a very full paragraph, ain’t it?

I can’t lie: I’m scared. I’m scared of what this trial is going to be like. I’m scared I can’t lose more weight. I’m scared that I won’t be able to balance writing, my day job, IVF and my sanity. Mostly, I’m scared that I’m never going to have the experience of pregnancy or of motherhood.

As I looked through the copies of the paperwork that Drew Barrymore sent me, I began to get overwhelmed. I started to cry… and then I thought about the word “drag”. This is a drag but it’s not forever and I need to stay strong. The second I thought that to myself, I stopped crying, put away the paperwork and got on with my day.

45 comments:

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Sounds exciting to me! Glad you had the talk with your boss...I can just picture him backing up as you are talking about your uterus.

SLESE1014 said...

Thanks for sharing this. It certainly gave me a really good laugh and I really needed it today! Have a great weekend....and good luck with the trial!

Mrs. M said...

My fingers are crossed for you that this time it works!

Michelle said...

I adore your opening line to your boss. (your hilarious btw).I wish would've used that I my boss, FYI, mine did the roll back in the chair thing too.
Excited for you! Have a great weekend away.

Natalie said...

Good luck in the trial! Even though it will take some time, it is so cool to get a free IVF cycle! Hopefully this one will work for you! Also kudos for talking to your boss. It is much better than the stress of trying to sneak around and cover up all of your absences with excuses. Have a nice time in the jacuzzi. =)

Doogie said...

If I ever have to go through it, I might have to request Farrah Fawcett Majors to guide me through my clinical trials. If we had Tanya Roberts, though, my husband would be ready to present sperm at any moment.

You'll be fantastic. Enjoy the jacuzzi and each other, and whatever else seems appropriate this weekend.

kkasun said...

Sounds like you are off to a great start!
Good luck with the trial!
I also love the introduction line to your boss!!!

AL said...

Very excited for you to get started on this clinical trial!

Have fun on your weekend getaway! ;-)

Negative Nelly said...

You crack me UP! Holy cow. Have fun on your um, husbands birthday ;p GOOD LUCK!

amiracle4us said...

First I laughed out loud while reading some sentences, so thank you! 2nd-what a fab opportunity! I will keep my fingers crossed the wt is shed and u get in :). Have a good bday weekend for/with hubby ;) 

Amanda said...

You know you will get the magic wand....just not the one you are thinking of!!! In fact you will get the magic wand every 2 days when you start your stims. :)


Sounds like you and hubby are going to have a great weekend! :)

ADSchill said...

Love this post and love you. I am warning you that I will be using F*ck Fest from now on when referring to BDing. That is perfect.

Thanks for the humor and the update. I hope it all works out for you. Stay strong!

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Alex said...

This is fantastic - you're so funny! I love thinking of this IF stuff as a drag - it really doesn't seem as big of a deal, does it? So excited for you! And hope you have a huge f*ck fest this weekend!!!

CS said...

LOL.
GL with getting into the clinical trial, and I now officially love the word "drag", and plan to use it at least once a day. ;)

Lovin Ma Soldier said...

As horrible as IF is I find it inspiring that you are still able to write such an entertaining post. It's not every day we can smile through one of the most painful times in our life.

I LOVE your opening line to your boss! I almost wish my boss was a man to make him wiggle in his chair like that!

Best of luck to you during this trial. I know "relax" really isn't in order ;) so just tweet your heart out and we'll be there to help ease the stress a bit!

Enjoy your f*ck fest and the drinks! :)

Elaine VanDRiver said...

this was a fantastic post! you are a great story teller! it is a drag that some folks get to roll in the hay and get pregnant, while some of us get to play with needles instead. such a drag! wishing you well on this trial!

Madelon said...

Sweety, good luck with the trial and even more good luck keeping sane.
It will be very difficult at times, but you have a whole support team here cheering you on!
Will be thinking of you!

Cristy said...

Awesome post! "It's a drag, but it's not forever" is a fantastic mantra. Totally stealing it.

Fingers crossed for you on this trial! I'm one of many sending positive energy your way.

Katie said...

I LOVE how you said that to your boss. You are amazing. Fingers crossed for a successful cycle, but for now - enjoy your weekend. ;)

Laurie said...

Wishing you the best on this trail. It's a great opportunity!

Have fun this weekend!

Kelly said...

I know you have to be scared shitless, but it's such a great opportunity! I'm crossing my fingers for you.

Have fun on your trip! How could you not?

Heather said...

Absolutely love your blog postings. I relate very intimately, having the only IF dx as polyps. Also poorly diagnosed and wasted a lot of our time. As for your f*fest, I also got a kick out of this as I am about to start IVF and the nurses instructed me that we should CERTAINLY try at home this month b/c SO MANY people get knocked up during a rest cycle (of course, I also heard that HSG would do the same). What did I get from our attempts? Certainly not pregnant, just a raging UTI. Par for the course to this point.

Good luck to you with the trial!

Damita said...

Good luck and have a fun weekend :)

My Hopeful Journey said...

I really enjoyed this post! I for sure am more toward the controlling the universe personality type then the take it as it comes approach! I can't wait to continue to read about the clinical trial. I hope you have a blast on your weekend getaway!

Anonymous said...

I did the exact same trial in October, I have never done regular IVF so I do not have a comparison, but I did not think it was bad. Good Luck!

DaisyGal said...

what a great post, not because ofwhat you're going through, but because it's so raw and honest. IVF is a "drag" but what about when you get to other side, you have to just press on. You have the right outlook and the right panties I would think ;) ....just do this..and I'll be crossing my fingers for the best possible outcome for you. :)
xo

lowfatlady said...

You can do this and you will rock it. I know it sucks you have to through this when others just get pregnant with out trying, but I am hoping for the best outcome possible for you. Fingers crossed.

Kakunaa said...

Did you really say that to your boss? Please say yes. LOL.

Yes, it's scary, but all that paperwork? Most of it exists for IVF anyway, but yeah, it's overwhelming. We were in a PGD study...and man, felt like we were signing over the child we might conceive. Or buying a house or something.

I'm excited for you! Baby here you come!

the2weekwait said...

You're all SO incredibly lovely -- thank you! And for the record, the part in the trial about not enjoying any of it was a silly exaggeration but believe me: I 100% said that to my boss. Although he clearly had a split second of total fear, it did help break the tension and ice on the topic. That being said, I don't think he ever wants to hear the word "uterus" again! LOL!

Jennifer Bruno said...

Hello! Brand new here, thanks to the ICWL link up. So happy to have found your blog. First, how cool does your trial sound?!?!? And second, I love humor... especially about boot knockin' and stuff. Cheers to your f*ck fest!

Travica said...

Hi Im visitng from ICLW. Just wanted to wish you luck. You write beautifully:)

Sarah said...

I will also now be working "drag" into my vocabulary. It's the perfect word!

Also, I laughed so hard about your poor husband having to tell Drew he wanted to have sex on his birthday!

ICLW #8

Marissa said...

Here from ICLW as well. I hope you get into the trial!!!

Rochelle said...

Wow! How exciting and nerve wracking! Emphasizing the "enjoy ourselves" sounds just like something my hubby would do! So funny! Wishing you the best of luck!

Sara said...

Your sense of humor cracks me up. Best wishes with your trial!

ICLW #152 :)

Aramelle said...

This all sounds very exciting! I really, really hope that the trial comes through for you. :-)

I hope your weekend away was fantastic and that you both enjoyed yourselves to the fullest.

(Here from ICLW)

BBH said...

I like the way your friend thinks. I am going to try to have that attitude. I like the word "drag," whether it means a little inconvenience, or a fun drag show.
Good luck with the trial!

Sushigirl said...

Here from ICLW - great post and the best of luck!

Heather said...

Hope all works out well. At least you don't have to spend all the bucks.
Best wishes
Heather

cgd said...

Wow, this study sounds great and you both seem to have a good attitude, even if you are not as calm as your friend who likes to use the word drag. I hope the time away was enjoyable. Wishing you the very best of luck with this cycle. Looking forward to following along.

Lu said...

Have a good feeling about this; just seems like things are coming together for you guys.

And, if I ever had a movie made about me (which I never will), I would want Drew Barrymore to play me even though we look nothing alike.

Best wishes!

Maria said...

"Drag" is definitely a new addition to my vocab after this post...LOL! Much luck to you in this cycle. IVF is a drag, but, ya know....what're ya gonna do? I know...grab some lunch. ;-)

ICLW #67

Missy said...

Thanks for making me laugh!

Baby Bump Wanted said...

WOW clinical trial sounds interesting. LOL to Drew barrymore, and just a general LOL
ICLW #51

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

ICLW~Hope the trial works for you! Good work on losing enough weight get in. I love your friend's attitude, hope I smile whenever I think of the word 'drag' too. Take care :)

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