However, in an effort to cover all my bases and be proactive while I try to make sense of the fertility report we received yesterday, I thought a leap of faith was in order. Besides, if god could get Mary knocked up and she never even had sex, he would perhaps be the best guy to help me.
God, Reproductive Endocrinologist Extraordinaire.
When I entered the church and didn’t get hit by lightning, I thought it was a good start.
Although I toyed with it, I almost began my prayer with, “Look, you don’t like me and I don’t like you…” but that seemed to be rather hostile. Truth be told though, if god does exist, I don’t think he hates me. I just think he’s got bigger fish to fry and can’t be bothered with some fertility-challenged New York writer. Let’s face it though – if this were the case, he’d have a point. There ARE bigger issues in this world. Despite my agnostic status, I always get annoyed when I hear a singer thank god for his or her Grammy win. I mean, really… I would hope god would be more concerned with people who are dying or in pain then making sure your recent album gets the respect it deserves.
That all being said, I did speak from my heart. I acknowledged that I’m not the best person in the world nor am I someone that keeps in touch often but if he had a moment, I’d sincerely appreciate the help. I prayed for getting another embryo or at the very least, have the one that currently exists staple gun itself to my uterine lining.
I felt satisfied with my prayer and as I went to leave, I looked down to see an empty cup of holy water. I’m trying not to take this as a sign.
Right near the church, there’s a Chase bank. They are having a promotion that if you deposit more than a thousand dollars into your savings account, you’re entered into a lottery that could double your deposit… or something like that. Since I’m always on the lookout for extra money, especially if I end up doing another mother fucking IVF, I went to the bank to sign up for the offer.
Somehow, and I still can’t quite believe this, the two customer service representatives I met with asked me about my savings in general and I mentioned that I had a separate account that wasn’t with Chase. When they asked why, I figured, “Screw it…” and I explained it was for an invitro if I needed one. This led to me basically giving these two total strangers in blue Chase sweater vests my entire fertility history. I don’t know what was weirder: That I was sharing this much with my bank or that they genuinely seemed very interested.
In the end, I told them that if my transfer was successful tomorrow, I could close my other account and put all my money into my Chase Savings. “One good transfer deserves another”, I mused. My final statement to them, other than ‘thank you’ was, “See? It’s in your interest that I get pregnant this week!”
It wasn’t even lunch time and I had already begged both god and my bank representatives to help get me pregnant.
After managing not to unload my current fertility concerns on anyone else, 4:15pm rolled around and I got a call from a nurse letting me know that it’s still just the one embryo. When I asked the quality of it, she said they’d tell me more tomorrow but all she knew was that it was viable so she’d see me tomorrow.
If I’m being honest (and why wouldn’t I be? It’s my blog), I’m not optimistic at this moment. I know I should be and I know that there’s still a chance but again, I’m just not feeling hopeful. Perhaps tomorrow the doctor will say something inspiring or maybe I’m still dealing with my disappointment, but overall, right now, I’m not feeling very ‘Go Team’. I’m more in a ‘Go F*ck Yourself’ kinda mood.
Rest assured though that I’ll do everything the clinic tells me to. I’ve got acupuncture set up for tomorrow. I’m prepared for bed rest. I’ve stocked up on walnuts (because I heard they were good for implantation) and I’m going to do my best to literally bond with this embryo. I can only hope that if god did hear my prayer today, he’ll be forgiving & help a pissed off infertile out. Time will tell.
In the meantime, I just want to say again how much I’ve appreciated your comments, emails, texts and Tweets. I was truly overwhelmed today with how many people thought to say hello, offer some words of hope (or humor) and simply make sure I was hanging in. There are simply not enough words to thank you. I promise you – no matter what happens, I will not lose my sense of humor and I will root for all of you as much as you’ve all rooted for me.