PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Are you there God? It’s a Pissed Off Infertile

This morning, I did something I haven’t done in a while; I went to church. I’m agnostic through and through. I don’t know if there is a god or that there isn’t. I truly don’t rule it out but I don’t rely on it either. I say this not to convert anyone to my beliefs or to offend anyone. It’s just more where I’m at and what I’m comfortable with.

However, in an effort to cover all my bases and be proactive while I try to make sense of the fertility report we received yesterday, I thought a leap of faith was in order. Besides, if god could get Mary knocked up and she never even had sex, he would perhaps be the best guy to help me.

God, Reproductive Endocrinologist Extraordinaire.

When I entered the church and didn’t get hit by lightning, I thought it was a good start.

Although I toyed with it, I almost began my prayer with, “Look, you don’t like me and I don’t like you…” but that seemed to be rather hostile. Truth be told though, if god does exist, I don’t think he hates me. I just think he’s got bigger fish to fry and can’t be bothered with some fertility-challenged New York writer. Let’s face it though – if this were the case, he’d have a point. There ARE bigger issues in this world. Despite my agnostic status, I always get annoyed when I hear a singer thank god for his or her Grammy win. I mean, really… I would hope god would be more concerned with people who are dying or in pain then making sure your recent album gets the respect it deserves.

That all being said, I did speak from my heart. I acknowledged that I’m not the best person in the world nor am I someone that keeps in touch often but if he had a moment, I’d sincerely appreciate the help. I prayed for getting another embryo or at the very least, have the one that currently exists staple gun itself to my uterine lining.

I felt satisfied with my prayer and as I went to leave, I looked down to see an empty cup of holy water. I’m trying not to take this as a sign.

Right near the church, there’s a Chase bank. They are having a promotion that if you deposit more than a thousand dollars into your savings account, you’re entered into a lottery that could double your deposit… or something like that. Since I’m always on the lookout for extra money, especially if I end up doing another mother fucking IVF, I went to the bank to sign up for the offer.

Somehow, and I still can’t quite believe this, the two customer service representatives I met with asked me about my savings in general and I mentioned that I had a separate account that wasn’t with Chase. When they asked why, I figured, “Screw it…” and I explained it was for an invitro if I needed one. This led to me basically giving these two total strangers in blue Chase sweater vests my entire fertility history. I don’t know what was weirder: That I was sharing this much with my bank or that they genuinely seemed very interested.

In the end, I told them that if my transfer was successful tomorrow, I could close my other account and put all my money into my Chase Savings. “One good transfer deserves another”, I mused. My final statement to them, other than ‘thank you’ was, “See? It’s in your interest that I get pregnant this week!”

It wasn’t even lunch time and I had already begged both god and my bank representatives to help get me pregnant.

After managing not to unload my current fertility concerns on anyone else, 4:15pm rolled around and I got a call from a nurse letting me know that it’s still just the one embryo. When I asked the quality of it, she said they’d tell me more tomorrow but all she knew was that it was viable so she’d see me tomorrow.

If I’m being honest (and why wouldn’t I be? It’s my blog), I’m not optimistic at this moment. I know I should be and I know that there’s still a chance but again, I’m just not feeling hopeful. Perhaps tomorrow the doctor will say something inspiring or maybe I’m still dealing with my disappointment, but overall, right now, I’m not feeling very ‘Go Team’. I’m more in a ‘Go F*ck Yourself’ kinda mood.

Rest assured though that I’ll do everything the clinic tells me to. I’ve got acupuncture set up for tomorrow. I’m prepared for bed rest. I’ve stocked up on walnuts (because I heard they were good for implantation) and I’m going to do my best to literally bond with this embryo. I can only hope that if god did hear my prayer today, he’ll be forgiving & help a pissed off infertile out. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I just want to say again how much I’ve appreciated your comments, emails, texts and Tweets. I was truly overwhelmed today with how many people thought to say hello, offer some words of hope (or humor) and simply make sure I was hanging in. There are simply not enough words to thank you. I promise you – no matter what happens, I will not lose my sense of humor and I will root for all of you as much as you’ve all rooted for me.

32 comments:

Josey said...

I do believe in God, and I'm praying for you!! Hell, I'll pray to my banker too, just to keep up with you. :) Can't wait to hear about your GREAT beta tomorrow!

SLESE1014 said...

The title of this post is so freaking fantabulous I can hardly stand it! I'm glad you're covering all your bases...really at this point it can't hurt, right? Although confessing to the Chase reps might have been a little weird, I like the phrase, "one good transfer deserves another" It certainly made me laugh, and I kinda needed one today. Sending you whatever vibes I have for good news tomorrow.

Lulu said...

I'm glad you opened up to the people at Chase. I have promised myself that the next time someone asks me when I'm going to have kids I'll say something like "As soon as science starts cooperating" or "As soon as my doctor can figure out how to make it happen" and out myself. We'll see if I'm actually that brave.

It's okay to feel less optimistic some days. You're human.

*hugs*

CS said...

Pineapple core for implantation! Good luck! Sending baby dust your way! :)

Jenna said...

I love this post. I'm agnostic as well.

I'll send a wish up to the universe (because sometimes they answer me back on twitter) and hope that this one little emby is like fantabulous and super glues itself to your uterus and doesn't ever come out! (well ok eventually but only when it's time).

N said...

I entered a contest on Su.zie Or.man website that the prize was 10,000. Things we will do.

Julia Lynn said...

I just found you on Twitter today. I'll be praying for you and your extremely precious embryo. Thank you for being vulnerable here with all of us, and thank you for sharing with those Chase representatives. This is something so many people suffer with silently, it's very possible you may have impacted their world deeply today through sharing. May God lay his hand upon you and make himself known to you in an amazing way, and may he allow you the joy of motherhood through this procedure. Praying so very hard for you!!!! :-)

ADSchill said...

I too pray, cause you never know. Ditto on eating reasonable amounts of pineapple. I heard that one as well.
And I don't know about you, but I can't seem to keep my mouth closed around my hairdresser! I tell her everything.
Good luck with your one embie and know we are all pulling for you!
MissConception

cgd said...

Jay
I am not so sure how I feel about God either (see, how much alike we are???!!!), but I am sending all my positive thoughts your way.
I have been in this position before and it is really, really hard to get behind your one embryo when you just wish there a bunch more than that. It is a very defeating feeling.
Hang in there. Let me know if you need anything at all, I am just a subway ride away!!! Good luck tomorrow.

Cortney said...

I love that you spilled your secret to your local Chase representative. I've found myself blabbing about my IVF to completely inappropriate strangers, like the grocery store cashier (can't go back to that Safeway now) or the nice Vietnamese lady giving me my pre-ER pedicure (it's a good thing she doesn't speak much English).

Sending you lots of good thoughts and ~~sticky embie~~ vibes! Good luck tomorrow!

Aramelle said...

I'm crossing all my crossables that you're able to close that savings account.

IVFJess said...

You say you feel "less than optimistic" but you still manage to write a post so full of grace and humor. Do you have any idea how amazing you are? :)

I'll be cheering for you and that one of 11 that made it this far. Good luck tomorrow!

hopingforrainbows.com said...

I’m with you on the not so sure about god thing. I have recently started praying. To whom I’m not so sure. Anyone that will listen I guess. I went to a funeral on Monday and to my surprise caught myself actually repeating the words the priest asked the congregation respond with. Maybe I am hedging my bets that if I start to try and believe something good may come of it. If God decides to bless me with a BFP tomorrow I will be a loyal believer for the rest of my life.

Sending lots of luck and sticky vibes your way for your transfer tomorrow - LilyTaj

Stacy said...

I am praying for you this morning. Your blog is awesome I have been reading it for 2hrs. Good luck today and I hope and pray that lil embaby sticks.

sienna said...

goodluck on your transfer this morning. i'm sooo sorry that you only got 1 embie out of this. i know that wasn't a scenario you probably imagined at all. but i will say that i'm continuously amazed at how many girls decide to do single embryo transfers and the bfp's that come out of it. let's add you to that list :o) xoxo.

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* Thinking of you today and your embaby. All you need is one and I have all my fingers and toes crossed.

Courtney said...

Impulsively oversharing? love it.

Good luck tomorrow!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I am thinking of you today! Good luck!

gailcanoe said...

I just found you through the Fertility Authority website. I am definitely sticking around as a new follower. I love your sense of humor!

"It wasn’t even lunch time and I had already begged both god and my bank representatives to help get me pregnant." _HILARIOUS!!

Anyway, I wish you the best and hope that we both get our wish in 2011.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Thinking of you and your lone embryo. I have been in this situation before (the lone long shot embryo) and it was tough! I've seen lots of successful stories though, so I will send some positive vibes that you are one of them.

teacher said...

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I am a Christian and I still have trouble with God sometimes. Sometimes I feel like because I know he is able to do it and won't He seems to be cruel or something. But I know that's not true. There's just a way bigger picture than my human eyes can see. Being a Christian doesn't make you fertile. But it does make the sucky days less sucky sometimes. Knowing it's under God's control is super discouraging sometimes but other times it's kind of freeing because I don't have to convince or coerce God into doing something. I don't have to muster up enough faith for Him to do it or be good enough. He'll do it when He does it. And because I know he loves me so much...I trust him. Even when it doesn't really make any sense. Praying God will show himself to you through all this!! :)

bodegabliss said...

Maybe there's only one embryo because this is THE one! This one is the one that's going to survive!

See, you don't need to stay optimistic (it's freaking hard anyway), so we'll do it for you, okay?

Thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and if I wasn't at work, I would just sit and read it all day. Thanks for saying what all of us who are going through this are thinking and with such humor. I send you the best wishes possible and hope that your one embryo snuggles in and becomes right at home.

conceptionallychallenged said...

Thinking many good thoughts for you and your embryo!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I found your blog. I found it by googling "IVF blog humor", because that's what I need right now. I just had my transfer yesterday (my third IVF). 9 eggs retrieved and we ended up with only two to transfer. One looks pretty good, and the other's a little scruffy. I'm having a hard time being hopeful today, too.

Anyway, I'm very agnostic myself, so have had a hard time when people on IVF support forums have told me that God had a plan for me and my embryos. I just don't think there's a reason or a plan. It just sucks.

I also appreciate that you swear like a sailor. I told my husband that I'll stop fucking swearing when I have a baby, but until then I get to enjoy all the cuss words I want. Small consolation, right?

I'm pulling for you and your embryo! I understand your telling the bank tellers, too. Sometimes I feel like the more random people I have out there pulling for me the better.

Mrs. Misfits said...

It's hard not to want these stupid, unfair odds in our direction. I know that you have put yourself out there for the Universe to shower blessings and I'm going to send my hope that direction for the embryo you've got cooking.

Really, really, really hoping HARD for you and saying a prayer or two as well.

Natalie said...

I hope everything went well today. And that that one embryo latches on you your uterus and holds tight! Think peaceful thoughts if you can. (not easy I know!)

Baby bump bound said...

A hope, a prayer AND Chase bank... I love it. I don't think any of this has to do with God - I think whatever God there is or isn't may be busy creating another universe and galaxy, as clearly this one is a big o' mess... come on Rudy!!

The Baby Race said...

Thinking good thoughts for Rudy!!!!!!


-@EsqWearsPrada

IF'er said...

What a coincidence, I found myself disclosing my whole IF story with my Chase banker just last week! I went to cash in my savings bonds that I'd collected from random family members since I was a baby and she asked me why I had chosen that day to cash them in. And it just came out: to pay for my infertility treatment. And then of course she asked me questions which, amazingly enough, I really didn't mind answering. I guess after you talk about it enough it starts to feel less weird, less personal? That or Chase makes their bankers take classes in counseling...

Jen said...

Right before our February cycle was supposed to start, I went to church. (I'm JEWISH.) I lit a candle, said some prayers, shed some tears, and thought "maybe someone is listening." I felt better, I felt serious, I felt hopeful, I felt desperate. Two days later our cycle was CANCELED. My money's on the bank at this point. *hugs*

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