PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The WTF Fertility Report

It was around 1:30pm today that I got the call regarding my fertility report. When I heard the nurse say, “So… you had eleven eggs… and it looks like you only have one embryo...”, I thought perhaps my cell phone was playing tricks on me. It’s new and I’m still getting used to it so I was hoping that my Android Incredible was simply malfunctioning and turning what should be positive statements into negative statements.
One? Did you say one?” I asked in total disbelief.
Yes.” She answered as if I shouldn’t be concerned.
But we had eleven eggs.” I protested.
I know… sometimes that just happens.”
It just happens? You know what else happens? Shit. That’s what else happens.

With my last IVF, I had five eggs and managed to get three embryos out of the deal so I can’t figure out what went wrong this time. Did they forget to do the ICSI? Did the universe realize it was being good to me and quickly correct it? Was this woman actually a nurse from the clinic or some cruel bitch playing a joke on me? Really people – WTF?

They are going to keep checking and maybe, somehow, another embryo will make a grand entrance before it’s too late. The thing is that with the clinical trial, they do the transfer on day three no matter what. I even offered to kick in some money if we could wait till Day five but they can’t do that. The trial said day three transfer so day transfer three it is. So if there’s another embryo ready to emerge, they’ve got till this Thursday to do it. I hope they have a day planner and an alarm clock because the clock is ticking.

Now I realize that the reality is that it only takes one. I know this. I was never good at math but I do know that in this case, one is better than nothing. I just can’t understand how this has happened. Of what guarded optimism I had, this news has pretty much taken a piss all over it.

I phoned our “Clinical Trial Guide”, Drew Barrymore (again, not her real name but just as lovely as the actress) and left her a voice mail letting her know what was going on and that I was shocked and confused. She called me back almost immediately and said she’d get my doctor to call me.

As I waited to talk to the doctor, I started to get even more worried that he was going to say something that would make me feel worse. That my eggs were crap. That my husband’s sperm lost the will to fertilize. That the one embryo we had was a long shot. That this was all somehow my fault. Anything and everything ran through my mind.

Eventually, he called me back and I’m happy to say it was not the worst conversation I’ve ever had. He said they were surprised at the outcome as well but the one embryo we have seems like its good quality and it’s entirely possible more may spring up overnight. He doesn’t think it’s the clinical trial I’ve been doing as the study in general has been going well and he also doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with my husband or me so at least we have that going for us.

Any which way, it’s clear we’re not going to have any embryos to freeze. I suppose the upside of this is I won’t have to worry about knitting teeny tiny mittens.

Perhaps I should at least contact the clinic and ask them to play Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" to the one viable embryo we've got going for us. Who doesn't get inspired by that song?

In the end, I guess there's really nothing to do now but hope for the best, finish this out, see what happens and prepare to go on to the next step if it isn't a success.

Well, that and perhaps drink heavily.

As always, truly from the bottom of my heart, I thank each and every one of you for your support. You are my human form of Prozac.

34 comments:

Sam said...

I am crossing my fingers that a)more little embies pop up over night, and b) that the one you have now will stick! Thinking positive sticky thoughts for you! ;) as weird as sticky thoughts sound LOL

Dead Cow Girl said...

Seriously - good luck. Fingers crossed for you. It does, as you know, only take one.

COME ON BABY said...

WTF is right. Gosh!! No fuck. But I agree with the comment above, it only takes one. Wishing you the very dear. Thanks for being so funny :)xoxo

First and Only said...

I hope that one is your magic number! If you have more, that's just icing on the cake. I always thought it was so cliche when people say it only takes one, but it really is true.
I'll be thinking of you and your embryo(s).

Brittany said...

Oh man!! I'm sending "I Will Survive" vibes towards your clinic and thinking positive sticky thoughts as well! I hope one is all you need.

Andrea said...

I follow your blog and usually don't post, but wanted to let you know that I'm cheering for you and "yes" it does only take one. But, that does not make the process any easier. As you say, you WILL survive, but it's not easy.

Grow little embie grow! And sticky vibes to you :)

Nadine @ BDG said...

I'm sending out positive vibes on that embryo-- cheering it on via long distance-- c'mon baby, c'mon baby. Much love.

Crossing My Fingers said...

Seriously??? GRR! That totally sucks!!! Head up though, it's not over until it's over!!! Now grow baby grow!

cgd said...

Jay, I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. Did they mention how many eggs were mature. My last cycle, we got 10 eggs, 5 were mature, one fertilized. An additional 2 fertilized late and they were all frozen on day 3 (even the late ones) for use in a later cycle. My RE gave me the same explantion, fluke. I am pulling for your one little guy and am glad to hear that the quality looks good.
I know this is not the results that you would have wanted, I know first hand how disappointing this is.
You know how to reach me if you need anything (perhaps I can smuggle you some prozac).
Hang in there .....
C

amiracle4us said...

I love the 'I will survive' mention! I know it is disappointing to have only one BUT you are right, it only takes one! Good thing is...the eggs and sperm were good :) Hoping more come around tomorrow and this one stays strong and good!

Nepsi said...

This happened to me on my first IVF. 11 eggs and 1 embryo. I was shocked and devastated. I am sorry this happened with your cycle.

Heidi said...

girl, have faith!!! half the battle is over--you've got a good egg and a spermie that thought so too! once that little embryo (or more) is introduced to that beautiful lining of yours, there is no turning back!!! i'm super hopeful for you and praying that this. is. it!!!

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that you will succeed, now dig deep and fully believe it too! I can only tell you from personal experience that when you believe it...whatever you "it" is ,then "it"can happen.I know it sounds like a lot of bull but it's true. Keep the doubt OUT! Best wishes to you

Katie said...

Thinking of you, Jay, and sending you every single positive thought I have for your embaby. You deserve some good news, and I hope you get it.

<3

Jen said...

What the fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck?! Jay, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what a shock that news must have been. This sucks butt. This is unfair. This is the never-ending-surprise-shit-show that is infertility and its treatment. I will be praying that your embie stays as strong as its makers (that's you!) until Thursday. Is it possible to keep the others in their test tube until day five and then freeze whoever is hanging out? Hang in there, babe. Mondo hugs.

Jay said...

Hope that one little embie is the baby the universe (or whoever is out there directing this crazy circus) intended you to have.

WTF is right though...but sadly as too many people find out, egg number and egg quality are 2 things that don't correlate sometimes:(

Bobbi said...

You should buy that shirt and wear it to your transfer! LOL!!! I seriously can't believe you only got one embryo. It's crazy how cycles can vary so much. I'm really hope another embryo or two decide to emerge and become available for Thursday's transfer. If not, like you said...IT ONLY TAKES ONE!!! Won't that be amazing if this little guy sticks? It'd be as if God specifically chose just THIS ONE for you. :) Stay optimistic.

ADSchill said...

Good luck sweetie. I am sending lots of baby dust your way and hope that you get another couple embies by transfer day.
But if not, I pray your one little one hangs onto you for dear life!

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

Josey said...

"ONE IS ALL YA NEED"

Hoping and praying for you. What a crap shoot. But seriously, ONE, that's all you need. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!

Jess said...

That star embryo has to be made of some tough stuff. Hopefully a few of his little siblings are just slow growers and decide to join the party too. Thinking of you, Jay- I really hope this is just one last surprise twist before your happily ever after.

Yummy Mummy said...

Keep the faith! I am 18 weeks pregnant from ONE 3 day fresh embryo. Living proof that it does happen. Stress will not help. take a deep breath and imagine that little embryo digging itself into that lining!

Sending you lots of well wishes!

kateypie35 said...

I am hoping that one little embryo is a supahstahhhhh, made of tough stuff and determined to stick around! Crossing my fingers and toes for you.

runnyyolk said...

How frustrating! But as PP mentioned, you really only need one. Maybe this is the little guy that's been waiting for you all along!

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Thinking of you and your little embryo! Keep us updated!

Anonymous said...

Its Quality not quantity! I am now on my two week wait after only getting one Embryo so totally understand. I suppose all we can do is keep positive, and try very hard to stop obsessing................... Grrr, oops was that a cramp, no OMGoodness, it's enough to drive you bonkers

Lulu said...

WTF indeed! How frustrating. You seem to be dealing well with everything. I'm thinking of you.

E and R said...

How frustrating! Hopefully more will develop and praying that the one that is already growing is the one for you and you don't have to go through this again!

JA said...

Best of luck with the one and you are right one is all you need.

I really hope this is the one for you!
x

jill's infertility document said...

Well, I'm cheering for the one you have now, yes, one is all it takes, but also hoping you end up with a few more to freeze. Very Best Wishes.

Kelly said...

Wow. I can see how incredibly frustrating and scary this would be. Like everyone (and you) said, it only takes one. I really, truly hope that one is growing and surviving and getting ready to implant like crazy.

Moon said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this heartache . . . we are all thinking of you and that one little embryo is going to be a star and make you proud. Keep singing
Moon xx

Marissa said...

How disapointing. :( And yeah, I would kind of wonder about the skills of their ICSI-ologist.

I hope your embryo grows and has a successful transfer and turns into a healthy baby. I'm here for you either way.

Emms said...

Good luck today at ET!

Unknown said...

best wishes

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