PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Infertility Greeting Cards & Random Thoughts

As I’m sure many of you know, in the blogging community, they have something called “Wordless Wednesday”. It's when all over the internet, bloggers post a photograph with no words to explain it on their blog. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to participate in this but frankly; it’s rare that I’m ever without words. The last time I was rendered speechless was when my grandmother told me that if she grew up in a different society, she would have never gotten married and just hooked up with as many men as possible. It's years later and I still can’t think of what to say to that. “Too bad Grandma! You would have made a smashing trollop!”

Yeah, I don’t think so.

Since it is Wednesday and nothing major is going on at this moment other than the “trying-to-save-money-still-infertile-getting-ready-for-my-third-mother-f*cking-in-vitro-while-staying-sane” thing, and since I could never be without words, I thought I’d declare today “Wacky Wednesday” and post some random stuff I’ve been wanting to either say or share but couldn’t figure out when or how. So today is a potpourri of sorts. A mix of infertility madness! A collage of uterine humor! A smattering of silly!

First, here are some random thoughts that have popped into my head recently:
* They should make an Infertility Credit Card where instead of earning points towards air travel and buying products, the points can go towards your next fertility treatment.

* Today, I ordered a book on Amazon that had “Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage & IVF Failure” in the title and Amazon asked me if I wanted to add it to a Baby Registry. Really Amazon? Really?

* Barbie is technically infertile. Aside from the fact that she’s physically not able to carry the weight of her own boobs much less a child, Ken has no penis. Trust me. I’ve checked.

* In light of PETA’s recent insensitive “Give Your Dog a Vasectomy in Honor of National Infertility Week Contest”, I’m starting a group called PETI: People for the Ethical Treatment of Infertiles. Click here for an extended bitch session on this topic: http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/jay-bronte/2011/04/11/peti-people-ethical-treatment-infertiles

* Is it possible to cook with progesterone oil? A pointless question and yet every time I look at a vial, I think about it. Perhaps I’ll make a fertility stir fry…

* Tori Spelling, Natalie Portman and Rachel Zoe: I didn’t realize that I’d get pregnant if I stopped eating and looked like a human version of a lollipop (big head, teeny body).

* I wish my Aunt Flo were more like Betty White.
* I want to create a T-Shirt that says, "I'm Infertile. Don't Ignore Me."
A few months ago, my dear online friend, @MyLazyOvaries (her blog is: http://slackieo.blogspot.com/), suggested we start a line of Infertile Greeting Cards. This led to an hour of me coming up with the below. It not only distracted me from worrying and otherwise obsessing but it cracked me up. Here are just a few. Hopefully, they'll make you smile:



(Just a joke folks...)

 
Roses are red,
Violettes are blue,
I'm sorry you're infertile,
I'm pissed off for you.

 
All of your friends want you to know tonight,
that we're thinking of your cervical mucus
And hoping it's egg white.
 
Hear you're trying to conceive.
I wish you all the luck.
Whether it's through insemination
Or a really good f*ck.


 

Heard Aunt Flo showed up.
That really does suck.
Sorry you spent all that money.
Guess you're sh*t out of luck.


47 comments:

Lulu said...

LOVE the cards.

Rebecca said...

Ah, I love the greeting cards! Excellent!! Totally agree about the lollipop heads. ANNOYING.

Alex said...

Love these - where do I buy them???

Sarah S said...

Love them!!! Thanks for sharing!!!

Kakunaa said...

Cards rock! And at some point in my cycle I totally made a salad dressing joke at dinner with my parents...it is sesame oil after all, LOL.

Josey said...

I love your random thoughts. :)

R*R said...

Hey there! I'm a fellow infertile (3 years, 2 surgeries, multiple meds, and 2 failed IUIs in) I've just found this blog, and can I say how in love with it I am already?! The cards are genius! Thank you for the laugh, I was in desperate need of it today! :D

The Barreness said...

LOVE your cards!!

socialite_baby said...

This is hilarious! They're all things I haven't thought at least once! Especially Amazon... I hate their recommendations too. I look at baby stuff once (for a friend of course!) and it tells me I should buy a book about adoption, one about how to afford IVF, and some baby bedding... It's like Amazon has more faith in my uterus than I do!

Keep 'em coming! :)

Krista said...

HA! These are great!!!!

SLESE1014 said...

OMG that's hilarious!!! I love wacky wednesday!!! I think we should do this every week...I so want to send the egg white card to a friend of mine!!! I might just have to post a link to it!

Thanks for a good laugh!

cgd said...

jay, I just need you to know how much you mean to me and how I am so glad to have you around. Thanks for the laughs, completely needed.

Courtney said...

love these!!!

annoyed army wife said...

Okay, so that one about Amazon had me actually laughing out loud, giggling to be exact. Thanks!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

OMG, you MUST start a line of greeting cards! I'd seriously buy ALL of these and hand them out to the appropriate people. Priceless!

mystrandofpearls said...

Ok, these are the best cards ever.
You should start a business. Stat.

Christina said...

I'll take 5 of each! They had me laughing out loud! Love them!

amiracle4us said...

This seriously made me almost pee myself!!! Thank you...I needed a good laugh about stupid IF :)

Single Mom 2b said...

BEST BLOG POST OF ALL TIME!!! I can't name one thing because I love every single word!!!

Julia Lynn said...

Oh, wow! This post is hilarious!!! And I would totally buy some of those greeting cards!

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

I'd buy those cards if for nothing else but to keep me laughing and to make insensitive jerks squirm. I especially like the winking woman/insemination card. You should peddle these to someecards!

China Doll said...

Excellent.. the cards and the Amazon craziness had me yelping out loud with laughter! Thank you!!

CS said...

LOL.

Kelly Jean said...

Loved the greeting cards. F*cking hilarious!

EWO said...

I'd totally wear that t-shirt! Hell, I go around saying it most of the time anyhow. And I just bought that book last week and am about halfway through - it is incredible. I don't know if it will do me any good, but after 3 m/cs in a row I'm ready to try anything. Thanks for the humor - I really needed it today!

lady pumpkin said...

The cards are fabulous. You are fabulous. And fertility stir fry? Just wow.

myTTCstory said...

LOL! You are amazingly funny! x

Damita aka Carmel said...

Love them!

A. said...

Amazing!!! The cards are so great!!!

AL said...

love the cards!!

sienna said...

i love these cards :o) and the credit card to get points for IF treatments is a most brilliant idea. i have the same feelings about tori spelling and rachel zoe. maybe starving oneself makes you fertile? i wish i knew that before i TTC.

Kelly said...

Those are great. You could sell the crap outta them.

Michelle said...

I'm dying at my desk. I want to laugh out loud so bad..but my boss is here. :) I Love Love these cards.

C said...

I would totally buy any of those greeting cards, lol!

And the credit card idea is genius, Visa should jump on that, they would make a fortune.

Sparking Phoenix said...

Thanks for the laugh. We're just at the start of our first (and hopefully last) IVF attempt. I wish I wasn't a member of the Infertility Club, but I'm glad I'm not alone in this struggle.

Kate said...

Hey Jay! I finally did it! I've started a blog. I've given a play by play of my "only in india" egg retrieval and transfer in my first post. I hope you stop by and say hi.

http://infertileinafertileland.blogspot.com/

Wannabemom said...

Thanks for the laugh. Love those cards.. and your random musings.

Natalie said...

Greeting cards are brilliant!! Love it!

Rochelle said...

Absolutely love these! I know a few women I'm going to have to share this with!

Residency Widow said...

I just found your blog through ICLW and thank you for the laugh. I loved your random thoughts, especially the human lollipops and the fertile stir fry. I wonder if you made the stir fry with lots of snow pea pods would it enhance your chances of multiples?

I look forward to following you now on those dreary infertile days where I need a laugh.

BrokenOven said...

Not only did these make me smile, I nearly had a spit-take to clean up. So thanks for that. :)

Well done, and Happy ICLW!

foxy said...

"They should make an Infertility Credit Card where instead of earning points towards air travel and buying products, the points can go towards your next fertility treatment."

Beyond AWESOME! Especially if I can earn extra points by using the card to pay for my next fertility treatment!

TheKirCorner said...

oh those ideas are fantastic, the Credit Card being my favorite. You know Hallmark now has a line of "TTC sensitive" cards....but yours???? WAY BETTER. :)

JustHeather said...

Thanks for the laughs! They were definitely needed this evening.

Crystal - Prenatal Coach said...

Those cards really cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh!

Treatment said...

Oh, wow! This post is hilarious!!! And I would totally buy some of those greeting cards!

printing samples said...

Fabulous card! Good job! This is the best card that I saw today. Thank you for the inspiration.

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