PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Infertility: The Sitcom!

Yesterday morning, I met with my nurse to go over IVF #3. Have I mentioned that I can’t believe I’m doing this again? The shots, the patches, the money, the stress. Oy. It’s not that I think I’m above it or anything. It’s more that I’m simply over it.

I always think of my life as a sitcom. I have wacky downstairs neighbors, the sarcastic yet adorable husband, a gay best friend and at times, if you listen carefully, you can even hear the faintest laugh track… especially after the failure of my first two IVF’s. Sometimes, even though I’m alone at the time, I’ll even turn to look into the camera and say, “Infertile! I’d rather be out-fertile!” before we cut to a commercial break.

This week’s episode included an incident with the wacky downstairs neighbor’s dog. She’s an adorable puppy who is, to put it nicely, a total pain in the ass. She jumps on everyone, poops in the hallway, and most recently, she’s taken to eating our mail. Despite how incredibly cute this dog is, I hate her. She’s well-intentioned but ultimately, she is a hassle I really don’t need right now.

As you may know, I’ve been on the hunt for some fertility medications in the hopes that it could save us some money. For the past few weeks, a few generous souls have been sending me estrogen patches, Menopur, etc. So, this past Friday, when I came home to find the dog looking guilty surrounded by shreds of a fed ex box with my name on it, I feared the worst; that she had eaten one of my fertility related medications. My first thought was, "If this dog gets pregnant before I do, I may shoot myself." Luckily, it was just a moisturizer I had ordered but for one second, I seriously thought this dog ate my estrogen.

If we do end up having to order some of the medications I need, my insurance company said they will fill the prescription and will even ship it but they made it clear they won’t cover it. That being said, I sincerely don’t think they will respond well if I ever have to tell them, “A dog ate my hormones.

Another amusing part of this week’s episode was my mother calling me at work to inform me that I’m cursed. When she called, thinking it was a client, I answered the phone and said, “This is Jay. How may I help you?” Without even saying hello, she said, “I think you’re cursed.” If it wasn't for her New Jersey accent, I would have thought this client was an asshole.

Apparently, she had Googled what signs there are of someone putting the “evil eye” on you. She advised that the only way I could undo this curse is to forgive the person (my “curser” I suppose) through Jesus Christ.

First, if I don’t know who put a curse on me, how do I forgive them? Should I randomly start asking people, “Hey there, did you happen to put a curse on me recently? If so, I forgive you through Jesus Christ.

Second, for the record, I don’t know if actually would forgive the person who put a curse on me. In fact, I think I would wish that a swarm of angry hornets took up residents in their anus. I'm just saying.

Third, I pretty certain Jesus Christ isn’t going to take my call. If he and I were in touch, I’d be the mother of two kids at this point and I'd be ignorant of what it's like to worry about my uterine lining.

When I told a friend of mine this story expecting her to crack her up, she laughed appropriately but then quickly added, “That IS crazy! The reason you’re not getting pregnant is because your chakras are blocked!” I have blocked chakras? Is that the equivalent of being spiritually constipated?

Then, when I told my acupuncturist this series of events, she also laughed and said, “I hear what she’s saying but really, you're not cursed and you I don't think it's that your chakras are blocked. It’s that your chi is stagnant."

So, to review, someone has put a curse on me that has blocked my chakras creating stagnant chi. This is shocking to me as none of the three reproductive endocrinologist I’ve been to at this point mentioned it! I'm sure at least one of these things would have come up in my sonogram, right?

Like a sitcom, there is a story arc. Characters progress, plot lines develop and at the end of each season, there’s either a cliffhanger that’s resolved next season or a happy ending that will satisfy you for the summer. My sitcom however is stuck in the same f*cking storyline: Funny (and cursed) woman who can’t get pregnant keeps doing IVF’s while trying to keep animals from eating her hormones.

If I were a viewer, I’d have stopped watching by now. It's a good thing I suppose that my cast of characters are so endless entertaining.

Any which way, it looks like mid-May, we'll be doing another IVF. No, it's not a rerun. It is new episodes but with the same story line. Hopefully this time though, we’ll have a happy ending for sweeps week.

Small Side Note: I had written an article for the Fertility Authority this week that I'm particularly proud of. It's called "Infertility Etiquette" and it's an amusing little list of things to send to friends and family of an infertile to help them know what to say and what not to say. And no, the woman in the picture included in the article is not me. She's perfectly lovely, but I'm sure she's more fertile than I am. Anyway, if you'd like to check it out, please go here: http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/jay-bronte/2011/04/04/infertility-etiquette

23 comments:

shutterbugwife said...

I will never stop watching your sitcom. My fingers are already crossed for IVF #3!

Alex said...

You are endlessly entertaining! And I will be watching, every step of the way. In fact, I will pay my admission fee with some good meds... Please stay tuned.

missohkay said...

Me and JC are tight but he hasn't granted me any wishes either and frankly I'm a little ticked off about it. Apparently we've got Jesus confused with a Genie. Speaking of, I could be in a spin-off of your comedy wherein I keep finding defective genie-lamps and so my wishes are all f-ed up. That seems about right.

marilyn said...

oh my goodness you crack me up!!!You should seriously write a book about your story. Chakras, evil eye, Jesus, chi....I wish there was an answer why all of us are going through these crazy times!!

marilyn said...

this is too funny! I wish there was an answer...
You should seriously write a memoir...I would love to read it!!

BBH said...

::off to google my evil eye signs!::

Lulu said...

Hahahaha oh I love it.

Hope said...

LOL! Here from Bodega Bliss. :-) Thanks for the laugh, I really needed that today!

mommyodyssey said...

thanks for the laugh. I needed it today!

Jade said...

I absolutely love your blogs! You inspired me to start my own to keep my family and friends informed of what's going on. We start our first IVF this week and I'm terrified! Oh, and if I have extra Follistim left over I'll email you for sure! :) From one infertile to another: Good luck! :)

lady pumpkin said...

Didn't you hear? This is the last season. Series finale. Perfect for sweeps month! xoxo

Cortney said...

LOL! I would totally kill that puppy if he ate my IVF meds! And I will continue to watch your hilarious sitcom, right up thru the happy ending!

Mrs. Misfits said...

Yep. Still tuning in same bad channel, same bad awesomeness. I adore the cascading causes. Who knew that stepping on that crack would, indeed, break your mother's back.

My focus for you with my inner eye is on May and all the good things that will come forth.

Tara dS said...

LOL!!! Well of course it's not a curse, chakra, or stagnant chi. It's stress! You just need to RELAX and you will get pregnant!

Have you heard about these great new Lazy Cakes? I bet they could help you relax. Seriously, you must check out this site:

http://www.mylazycakes.com/index.html

jjiraffe said...

Coming here via Bodega Bliss. Hee! The only thing missing is the sassy older landlady, who would tell you her menopause hormones could get you knocked up in a jiffy. (Yes, that actually happened.)

L-L-L-Leslie said...

I'm very much enjoying your sitcom! In a commiserating kind of way, of course.

Rebecca said...

Yeah, I think I'd keep watching that sitcom only to moan and groan every time! Definitely hoping for an awesome season finale. May seems like the perfect time.

Jacksmom said...

It's like a bad car accident, I'd definitely watch it. Sometimes I feel like my life is a sitcom too. Glad you have a good humor. Made me bust out laughing at work, and my coworkers thought I was nuts until I read them the angry hornets-anus bit.

Damita aka Carmel said...

Ha ha, you are so funny, good luck with mext IVF :)

Kelli said...

too hilarious..thank you!

Chi said...

Your story was heartfelt and hilarious. True humor comes from recognizing the ironies of life and laughing through the pain. I wish you the best of luck on your conception journey.

Julia Lynn said...

Jay, I love your writing! Thanks for sharing your humor with us! I'm excited for you for IVF #3! I meet my potential IVF doc tomorrow and I'm all kinds of nervous he won't be a good fit. I'm hoping he is, though. Anyway, I'm taking to heart your previous advice about shopping around for a good fit :-)
Keep us posted on future episodes of your groundhog-day-type sit com. I'm always on the edge of my seat. Oh, and while I agree with your reaction to all the "reasons" you were given foryour situation, I just have to say, I'm in frequent communication with JC and he's had me on this road for 7 years. I'm not mad at him, or bitter (for now), but I certainly would like a glimpse into his purpose for all this. I'm certain he has one (which works for me and I realize totally doesn't for others), so I'll just keep moving forward one day at a time.
You're a phenomenal woman and I can't wait for your dream to be fulfilled!

Love and hugs (and prayers if you like), ;-)
Julia

Brenda said...

Too funny! Happy ICLW!

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