PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Déjà Vu All Over Again

When bad things happen, I find there’s no other way to break them to people other than just saying it. So, here’s the deal…

My fertility report was as follows:

13 Eggs (the most I’ve ever had)

10 Eggs Mature

1 Embryo

Yes. The same thing that happened last time has happened again. Rudy – The Sequel (http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2011/02/rudy-lone-embryo.html). Good amount of eggs – one embryo. After an entirely different protocol, switching to a new clinic & a new doctor and after many additional tests, we have the very same result. The only difference between this cycle and last cycle though is I’ve just spent my entire savings account.

When I heard we had 13 eggs yesterday, I had learned my lesson from last time and did not get excited or enthusiastic about it. My mantra was, “I’ll wait and see what the fertility report says.” I’m glad I did this as obviously, the outcome was the same. Mind you, keeping my feelings in check doesn’t make this any easier but I’m pleased that I at least went into this realistically.

I even had dreamed last night that my doctor called, told me the report was a disaster and yelled at me about it. “What did you do? Did you follow my instructions?” I woke up shaken and nervous. As soon as I got the call today and I heard the tone of voice the nurse had, I knew it wasn’t good. Frankly, right now, nothing with me ever feels good these days. I just can’t believe I’m now getting charged so much to feel like a failure. “Well Jay, this is the second time this has happened so it’s got to be you. Now give us $10,000.

A doctor from the clinic (not my doctor but the doctor who did my retrieval) called me minutes later letting me know that they are going to try “immature ICSI” on the 3 immature eggs. Basically, they are going to try to still fertilize the 3 immature eggs and hope that something comes of it. That would be nice but am I hopeful? Nope. Not really.

Obviously, something is going on if this has happened two separate times at two separate clinics. Will the doctor’s ever know why? Probably not. They’ll probably just tell me it was bad luck again. I guess I’m just lucky in an unlucky way. I am a negative miracle. Go me.
Yesterday, before the retrieval, they gave my husband a piece of paper with instructions with regards to him giving his sperm sample. The paper told him to take a shower before heading to the clinic and to “Be sure to wash your penis, anus and scrotal area.” When I broke the news to him today that we only had one embryo, we just sat there looking at each other. Even though neither of us cried, the pain in the air was palpable. After a few solid minutes of this, we tried to work out what to do or how to feel. In an effort to break this tension, Sam said, “Well, at least I have a clean anus.

When a clean anus is your only source of comfort, you know things are bad.

I was also supposed to talk to one of my closest best friends today. I describe him as the Will to my Grace. We’ve been friends since college and yes, he’s gay. I mention this because I texted him this morning that I wasn’t able to chat this afternoon. I told him what was going on and he said he understood. My final text to him was, “Only straight married men should be subjected to crying hormonal women.”

So, let’s just quickly review: One uterine polyp, two years of trying, three inseminations, three IVF’s (the 1st had the least amount of eggs (5) with the most amount of embryos (3), the second had 10 eggs, 1 embryo and this one had 13 eggs (the most so far) with again, only one embryo) and absolutely no pregnancies of any kind.

Oh… the trying to conceive humanity.

Many of you have been reading my blog for a while. So many of you have been so beyond lovely with your time, emails, comments, texts and especially with your medication donations. Even recently, I came home to find a package filled with two chocolate bars and super nice soap. I don’t know who sent this as there was no note or return address but I REALLY appreciate it. You’ve all been generous enough to share with me your stories, your experiences and at times, your hope. You’ve supported me and laughed with me. I will never, ever be able to thank each of you enough. So, this may sound crazy but I need to say this to you: I’m so sorry I don’t have better news. This story deserved a better ending for all of us.

Yes, we have one embryo (so far) and I know it only takes one. Trust me – I know this as we all said this the last time this happened. The trouble is I’m out of pep talks. I am searching to find the enthusiasm I mustered for the first Rudy, the lone embryo and it’s beyond difficult. We’ve been exactly here before and it didn’t work. Nothing has worked and at this moment, it feels like nothing ever will.

Throughout this whole journey, I’ve always tried to see the humor in things. However, this is one of the few times I’m struggling (although I did make an anus joke so you’ve got to give me some credit).

I know in my heart I’ll get through this and I think in times like these, that’s all you can cling to. You can’t have hope or faith in what you can’t control but you can have hope and faith in yourself. I’m hurting desperately (as if it isn’t obvious) but I know, somehow, I will get through this. I haven’t figured out how yet (other than chocolate, alcohol and endless crying) but it’ll happen.

So, as I end today’s sad little blog entry that is clearly bereft of hope, I again want to thank you for being there. I know we don’t know each other personally but your presence in my life has been immeasurable. I promise to keep you posted.

In the meantime, if it isn’t clear, my diet is so the fuck out the window.

43 comments:

shutterbugwife said...

Thank God you don't need any pep talks because I can't think of a dang thing to say. This is absolute bullshit. Surely, someone, somewhere can explain why this keeps happening to you! Ugh. I'm so, so sorry Jay. I will keep some hope for you but I understand the idea of not wanting to get your hopes up. It's so much harder when your hopes are smashed instead of just facing some disappointment.

IVFJess said...

This is all beyond unfair. I wish there was some pep talk I could give you that hadn't been said before. But just know you are loved & admired by us all. Thinking of you. xxx

Josey said...

Oh fuck a duck. This was not the post I was hoping you'd get to write today. Hoping and praying for you that this one is the ONE you needed. xoxo

starryjuliet said...

Stay strong. You're definitely in a sucky situation. I'm hoping FOR you, since you're out of hope. I'll keep the success stories to myself, because I know they don't do a bit of good, especially if Rudy II doesn't take. We'll all be here for you whether it works or not.

E and R said...

so sorry for the less than stellar news - praying that this one little embryo is the one for you!

Woman Warrior said...

Sending you endless hugs from across the country. I'm so sorry dear friend.

Kelley said...

((hugs)) I really wish I had a pep talk or some sort of words that would help, but I can honestly understand how nothing anyone says is going to help you right now. Hang in there. Just know that we are all thinking about you and keeping our fingers crossed for you that maybe this time one is going to be enough. xoxo.

Jes G said...

shit..... sorry jay! thinking of you.

Cortney said...

Damnit!!! I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with this again. IF is so fucking unfair!

Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and positive thoughts across the miles!

JM said...

Eff. I don't even know what to say, other than it's effing unfair.

Go Rudy 2.0, Go!

peleb said...

Understanding all of what you wrote. I wish I had some magic for you! I'd have a giant chocolate martini and maybe 2 or 3.
p.s. the anus joke was cute

Meg Coldwells said...

Ok, everyone else has said it...this is fucking bullshit!! WTF!?? 13 eggs, one embryo? ...now that I got that off my chest, there IS Rudy 2.0. I am going to do something I rarely do, and I am going to church tomorrow to say some big time fertility prayers for Rudy 2.0 and YOU> I will do a 'irish fertility jig' in church if I have to and I will ask the Holy Spirit to shed some major white light of fertility over you and Rudy 2.0. Like you said, it only takes one, but crap...you've been down this road before, with less than stellar results, so it is hard to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and become your own fertility cheerleader, SO...we will do that for you. We are all here for you Jay. Please remember that as you crawl into bed with your chocolate and kleenex...we are your pep squad. {{{{{{{HUGS and KISSES}}}}}}} from Los Angeles. Meg

Lulu said...

SO fucking terrible.

BreAnna said...

This sucks. :( I am so so so sorry you are going through this again. I'm sending all my love to you, your partner, and that one little embryo.
All is not completely lost, though I know this news is a huge disappointment. I will be rooting for Rudy 2.0. Perhaps this one should be called Ruby, the female version of Rudy the embryo that gave it his all.

~C~ said...

I'm so sorry. No pep talk here, just confirmation of how bitterly disappointing that is.

JustHeather said...

*hugs* and 'I'm sorry' is all I can think of to say that might give any sort of comfort (or not really, but it at least gives the idea that I care and am thinking of you).

I'm right there with you in the feelings department. I think we're one IUI ahead of you and one IVF behind you, but the feelings of failure, hurt and chocolate are the same. I hope your lone embryo is the one.

Secret Sloper said...

Oh Jay, I'm so sorry that those words don't even start to cover it. It takes only one, yadda yadda, and of course I hope and pray that Rudy Redux is an amazing little miracle emby--which he or she absolutely could be-- but I'm so beyond frustrated for you.

You're crazy strong and able to withstand anything, but I really don't want you to have to any more.

Huge endless hugs.

Anonymous said...

It is def easier at this point not to have hope and I completely understand that. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been there and not knowing why is excruciatingly frustrating but if the embryo quality is good u have a better shot than u think and even if it is bad, unbelievably, it can still happen. No matter what you will get through it and it is not the end ! Don't think about the money right now either. Too mmuch u r dealing with already. I wish you the best.

Sarah Woulfin said...

I'm sending hundreds of hugs from the West Coast. I'm sorry that you received that fert report, and I did smile at your anus joke. Please know that, yes, we're rooting for you.

One perfect emby said...

This totally sucks i agreee...have you tried ICSI maybe thats a better way to guarantee more successful eggs being fertilised...

arohanui said...

Another kick in the gut. I know you won't want to hear this, but try and combat those stress hormones you are now secreting with some exercise and relaxation therapy. That sounds really flakey I know, but being devastated before embryo transfer is not optimal for your body. You have one embryo incubating and if it makes it to transfer you want to be ready for it (this includes good nutrition). I really hope they will have success with one of the immature eggs but I know that is a long shot not to hang your hopes on. Good luck Jay, it's not over yet. (I hope you don't despise me right now...)

Jill said...

I totally get where you're coming from. I've had massively disappointing IVF's and all I can truly suggest is a cupcake from Magnolia's. Seriously. That's pretty much the only thing that kind of made me feel better. Hang in there!!

Ejules said...

Hugs. Really. Big. Hugs.

clewis said...

Hi, thanks for being so open and honest with us all, I too often feel like I keep getting bad results. I'm sorry you didnt get more embryo's, but as we all know and say, this one might just be your little fighter. Hope you feel a bit brighter soon. I am here for you. take care

SHANA said...

OK, I have to start with saying that I'm pretty sure that our husbands break those hard moments with the same WTF comments. It helps. It's a reminder that your marriage is strong and that you can get through anything together.
Next, I understand the disappointment of the one embryo scenario. And I know you said your done with the pep talks. But I not only had one embryo my 3rd IVF, I had a SLOW growing embryo. Long story short, my slow growing embryo is now an 8 month old girl who is anything but slow. Miracles happen and that's what I held on to through my 3 day wait to transfer her back. So even if you are not holding out hope...I'll hold onto it for you.
Hang in there and fuck your diet right now. Eat a shit load of food and you can worry about dieting when you feel better.

Nepsi said...

I've been there and I didn't want any pep talks or the it only takes one comments either. I was wondering if they did ICSI for you for both rounds. We had the one poor quality embryo thing happen to us our first round out of 11 eggs and part of the reason was ICSI. The next RE did a 50/50 split on insem and found out ICSI basically destroyed the fert rate. Since then I've seen one other woman with this issue. Just a thought... I know it is no solace at this point. Take care.

Liz said...

That sucks!! I hope you gave an answer as to why this is happening soon. Hoping Rudy #2 is a fighter!

Dead Cow Girl said...

I am so, very fucking sorry. I don't even know what to say. :-(

But yeah, this is not the time for dieting.

Kate said...

Fuck, Jay,

You go a do whatever you need to do to get through this.

We'll be here hoping for you. And cheering for Rudy 2.

Hugs!

Articia said...

I just finished crying over the Maya Angelou 'Master's' segment on OWN before I read your blog. At the very end she talks about how not living life to its fullest would be the saddest, worst thing that could happen to a person b/c we chose how to live our lives. It's a daily struggle but we have to actively work to live beyond IF. It's the only chance we have at happiness.

Amy said...

I am sorry Jay. That really bites. I can't offer any words that would make one bit of a difference. I feel and know your pain.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

Thats very bad news.

Did the clinic do assisted hatching??

Stay strong..

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. It's just not fair.

Mrs. P said...

this process fucking sucks. im sorry. im thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. i dont know you, ive only started reading your blog a few weeks ago but i was bummed to read this. keep your head up and stay strong.

Heather said...

Jay, I am sending you all the good vibes that I can muster, but I know the difficulty of hoping all too well. Having also had polyp issues, then IUI, then IVF that resulted in a chemical, and most recently FET that resulted in an ectopic pregnancy, there is just no least worst way for these things to fail. They all hurt a hell of a LOT. The only bright side I can offer you is that if Rudy the Redux does not survive, at the very least you can imagine trying again (whatever the method) soon. As for me, having done a methotrexate shot to terminate my ectopic, I'm out of luck for several months. We are all rooting for you and your blog is fantastic. Thank you for your honesty.

Ericka said...

I just wanted to say that though I am not going through the EXACT same thing as you, I just had my 4th failed IUI in over 2 years (each IUI only had 1 egg, and if there was ever more than one follicle, it was cysts). I am not trying to make you feel better or worse on that, but what I was really trying to get at is that sometimes, it is just easier to let everyone else hold out hope for you than it is for yourself. I hear all the time from friends and family "it will happen" and it's so hard for me to feel that way...so, I get it. I totally get it and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I will be a cheerleader for you (YOU can do this!!) and your 1 egg...GO EGGIE, GET YOUR ATTACHMENT ON!!! DIG RIGHT IN AND LATCH ON!! :)

Emms said...

Jay I am so sorry. I wish I had words that could repair your hope but I don't. All I can do is send you big hugs and t&p for rudy squared.

Moon said...

I'm so sorry Jay, this just seems so unfair and those fertility gods need to get their act together. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain and fill you with hope, in lieu of that I'm hoping for you that your miracle happens, you deserve it. Wishing you all the best sweetie.
Moonie xx

nurslouisa said...

Super craptastic....I'm sorry, no pep talk. Plan b? I hope you don't need one but sometimes having one makes it easier to deal.

sienna said...

ugh. i can't believe you're going through all this again. i'm sooo sorry - this can't be a good de ja vous feeling for you guys. i'm hoping hoping hoping with all my heart though, that you get a different ending to this cycle than the last. no one deserves this amount of crap piling up on them. you've paid your dues and the way i figure - the universe OWES you at this point. with that said, gooooo rudy2! sending big hugs your way, though i suspect the hug'll help me more than you. xoxo.

cgd said...

Jay, all I can say is that I am here for you, day or night. Much love to you...

Marybeth said...

I effing hate this for you! I'm so sick of it not working for the right people I could scream. I'm here for you! Contact me though twitter if you need anything!

Tara dS said...

So, so, so very sorry Jay. I am well acquainted with the crushing despair that infertility brings. I hope that Rudy II makes it, I truly do.

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