PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Places You’ll Go To Give a Sperm Sample (Dr. Seuss Style)

By most standards, “Estrogen Priming” is when you’re asked to wear a patch containing estrogen to down-regulate your Follicle Stimulating Hormone receptors before an IVF.

To me though, “Estrogen Priming” is when you decide to spend the week before you start your latest IVF by watching movies such as Thelma & Louise, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Bridget Jones's Diary and The French Lieutenant's Woman.

Since we’re currently on “Estrogen Overload” at our house right now, I thought we’d do something a little testosterone related on the blog. That’s right -- this one is for the fellas and the women who love them (and their sperm counts)!

I’m very proud to say that not only is the below written by my very funny and talented husband but it’s also about the many places you’ll go to produce a sperm sample. Even better, it’s written as a Dr. Seuss book! Why you may ask? Why the hell not! When it comes to struggling with infertility, there’s no reason not to get all ‘Cat on the Hat’ on its ass!

So go to the kitchen, make yourself some green eggs & ham and enjoy!

Oh, the Places You’ll Go! (To Give a Sperm Sample)

Oh the places you’ll go!
Most of you will never know.
Just to give a sample,
One that is ample.
One that will do the job,
One that will get you a boy named Bob,
Or Judy, or Rudy
Or Harry, or Larry

You’ll give a sample in the lab,
Maybe in the back of a cab,
Perhaps on the train,
Possibly in the rain.

You’ll give a sample to a nurse,
Carry it in a purse,
And I have a hunch,
You’ll give one at lunch!
Maybe two at night?
You know I’m right.

You’ll do it on the spot,
You’ll do it when it’s hot,
You’ll do when it’s cold,
You'll do it to porn that’s old!

You won’t believe what it can take,
For the baby you want to make.
In a coffee shop or a diner,
Even in North Carolina!

If you want to give a sample at home,
Just make sure you unplug the phone!
It could be your Mom or Dad,
Which would kill any mojo you had

So do what you can,
To step up and be the man.
Give it your very best,
Just don’t make a mess.

You won’t believe the things you will do,
To give a sample of you...


kkasun said...

So cute, I bet my hubby will love this!!

SLESE1014 said...

This is awesome. I'm totally sharing this with my husband! He'll get a great laugh out of this!

A. said...

Amazing!!! Very creative:)

WannabeMom said...

Love it!!!

B- said...

Very funny!

Residency Widow said...

Love it. Bravo Jay's talented hubby!

bibc said...

LOL my husband always complains about the old, weird porn. very cute and so true. wishing you both all the luck with this cycle.

TeeJay said...

Love it, love it, love it!!!

miranda said...

Cracking. Up. So so funny!

Nic said...

love it!

Emily W. said...

I can only imagine what Thing 1 and Thing 2 look like in this book!! Gaaa! Great job Jay! Love it!

Jess said...

Love it! Hilarious!!!

Jacksmom said...

That is freaking hilarious!

China Doll said...

Love it!! Brilliant!

marilyn said...

this is great!~! I want more!!

foxy said...

Oh.My.Gosh, That is AWESOME. Seriously, tell your husband that I love him.

My New Normal said...

Super funny. I read this to my hubby and he laughed out loud.

Baby Steps said...

This is brilliant! We need to get this illustrated!!!

Rebecca said...

Absolutely love it!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!!!!! Yeah, that's basically all I had to say. :-)

Josey said...

Awesome awesome awesome. I just sent this to my hubby. :)

B said...

SO funny. I would love to see an illustrated copy ;)

Yes, it is amazing the things you'll do to give a sample of you. True dat!

Erin said...

LOVE this. :-) My husband is bracing himself for his first "donation" and it's nice to put a funny spin on the whole thing. Even though it's kind of already funny all by itself.

SHANA said...

Ahhhh, sperm collecting. One of our most unromantic past times. He always hated it when I accidently scraped him with the rim of the cup so I wouldn't miss a drop!

Lora said...

So "Oh the Places You'll Go" is one of my favorite books (I'm a teacher). I don't think that I'll ever look at this the same way! Happy ICLW!

April B said...

Just dropping by for ICLW :)

That was VERY cute. Thanks for sharing!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I just sent that to DH, who will appreciate that one for sure.

Amy said...

Love it!

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