PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Speak Softly And Carry a Pee Stick

I came home from work to find my husband sitting on my couch looking at me very seriously.

Jay?” my husband said. “Can you sit down for a moment?

As I was putting down my purse and getting comfortable, I tried to rack my brain figuring out what I had done.

Honey, you have to stop peeing on so many sticks.” He said. “I almost brushed my teeth with one this morning.

Yes. It was a Pee Stick Intervention. Clearly, I’m still shocked that I’m finally pregnant.

On that note, I want to sincerely thank all of you who commented on my “Level Two” post. The comments were so gracious, sweet and in some cases, downright hilarious.

I was also touched by how many of you got annoyed with me for not getting to the point sooner. I love that we’ve grown so close that you feel comfortable to be like, “Way to drag it out lady!” I found it both adorable and touching. Maybe it’s because that’s how my family talk to each other. My dad just said me the other day, “Your mother told me a joke so long and convoluted that I thought I was watching THE LORD OF THE RINGS all over again!”

Believe it or not, not announcing the good news straight away was a very conscious choice on my part. It wasn’t that I wanted to build tension or keep you guessing as much as it was fulfilling a promise that I made to myself, that if I ever did get pregnant, I would write a blog entry in the same format and style as any of my other blog entries. I’ve struggled too long with infertility to get cocky and write a simple, “I’m pregnant! Let the good times begin! Wah hoo!” entry.

One thing that's been on my mind lately is that I’ve always had a hard time when I found a blog that had an infertility title and/or description of someone struggling to conceive only to visit their site and see that they are now pregnant. I TRULY don’t mean that in a disrespectful way to any of my fellow fertility challenged blogger friends. I’m a firm believer that anyone who gets pregnant after struggling with infertility earned it and can write about it anyway they want. It was more about me and my feelings. I would go to their blog, see that they were pregnant and this would in turn remind me that I wasn’t. Feelings of sadness and the strong need for sushi and alcohol would soon set it.

I know many people have discovered this blog because they were in their two week waits. Now that I’m pregnant, I feel a little like my site has become a bait and switch. “Oh look… she’s trying to conceive too! Wait a minute, the bitch is pregnant! What the fuck???

This was my point with the “Level Two” entry. I’m at the very beginning of this pregnancy, there’s still so many hurdles to jump (not that I’m jumping much these days) and although I’m thrilled, I’m in no way feeling a hundred percent secure. Hence, the mountains of home pregnancy sticks scattered about my home.

What’s ironic to me is technically, I’m sort of back in a two-week wait right now. My first beta was last Friday and it was 90. I had my second beta this past Monday and it was 225. My next is tomorrow and then the week after that is my first ultrasound. So, in between this past Monday’s beta and next Friday’s ultrasound is… drum roll please… two weeks! Ta da!

For now, I’m going to keep writing until I figure out what the best thing to do is. I’ve been debating starting a separate blog called, “The 9 Month Wait” (already got a blog address for it) so that way, this space here will be solely dedicated to trying to conceive/infertility and the new space would be solely dedicated to being pregnant. More than anything, I desperately want to be respectful of those who are still trying to conceive. If you have any thoughts or suggestions on the matter, I'd love to hear it.

And for obvious reasons, the piece I wrote back in October 2010 has very much been on my mind lately. It was called, When Your Infertile Friends Leave the Nest: http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2010/10/when-your-infertile-friends-leave-nest.html


Meanwhile, I told my husband I would chill out on the home pregnancy tests. In reality though, I’ve just gotten better at hiding my dirty habit. Perhaps I should give them out as party favors the next time I have a get together. Better yet, I could use them to decorate this year’s Christmas tree as one online friend suggested. “Jay? Why does the tree smell like urine???

46 comments:

Emily W. said...

I really respect how respectful you are about the whole matter. You're indeed on the other side of the fence but those of us who follow know how long it took for you to get your ass over there. I'm a tiny bit jealous but mostly thrilled. And I'll be reading on whatever site you're bloggint the journey. Maybe one of us could take over posting on this site...An honorary role! You're not saying you didn't succession plan are you???

sienna said...

Omg jay, congratulations! Grr, I only read the first half of ur level 2 post bc baby kept distracting means then see this and I can't believe I missed the end of ur post. I am sooooooo thrilled for you! Few hurdles down, few more to go. Everything is crossed for you :o) and ps, I peed on sticks well into my 10th week of pregnancy bc I just "had" to make sure. Is a nice, albeit expensive, reassurance. Xoxo.

Rebecca said...

LOL. I'm picturing your husband bleary-eyed using a pee stick as a tooth brush. Too funny.

Personally, I loved how you announced it. It made my heart soar with you!

Good luck with the next two week wait.

shutterbugwife said...

Haha, see you dragged it out so much that someone actually missed the announcement part!

It's such a fine line because you have been through hell and deserve to be happy and write about it. But you also know what it's like to be on the other side. I think most of us have been following along with you long enough that we can be truly and honestly be happy for you. I told my husband that you were pregnant and we were both very happy for you. He knew enough about your story to be genuinely happy for you too!

Of course I had some feelings of jealousy and those stupid "when will it be MY TURN?" thoughts popped in for a moment, but those are my feelings and they have nothing to do with you. Keep being respectful as you have been but don't let your concern for others take away from your own joy. Celebrate and those of us that care about you will celebrate with you, regardless of whether we are pregnant, a mother, or struggling to start our own family.

Alex said...

Pee stick intervention - love this! It's funny how people react differently to pee sticks. For this pregnancy, I peed on one and only one stick, and it's still sitting on my nightstand. There's so much anxiety that has gone into peeing on those things over the last few years, I didn't want to pee on another one - ever!

sassyNtubeless said...

ha ha ha i <3 it, POAS intervention!! AWESOME! but if you do use all your pee stix for your christmas tree, i want to see a picture!

kkasun said...

I did do a seperate blog. Mine is for friends and family and any IF blogger that wants to hear more about baby/pregnancy stuff.
I still post to my IF, but I am much more careful about what I put in there.
I will be honest it is hard to keep up with two, but I would rather keep up wtih two than offend someone. I also want to honestly document my pregnancy (good adn bad) and that is when I go to the other blog, so it doesn't seem like IF girl got PG and now bitches about it.
Good luck!!!

JM said...

There was one blog (titled something very IF-ey) I found where the girl got pregnant. On her first cycle after the pill. Really? Really?

But I digress. You're super sweet for your concern for the rest of us out there. I constantly wonder "Am I infertile ENOUGH to be complaining about it?" Oy vey.

Happy beta thoughts!

SLESE1014 said...

I told you my husband threatened to leave me and cut off my $$ if I didn't stop peeing on sticks. So you're not alone there. I did eventually stop. However, I have saved them all in a ziploc bag and have them stashed in a laundry basket in my closet :)

I'm curious to read the responses about the change in the blog. I didn't change mine simply because I don't feel I've crossed over until the live baby is placed in my arms. At that time I might have to think about closing Fertility Frustration and start a new one. But Stirrup Queens had a blog about this a while back and while her main focus isn't infertility any more, she's still a member of this community. She may have crossed over to the other side, but she is still one of us! Another reason I didn't think about closing my blog or changing it was because I was still following so many who have "crossed over" on their original blogs. I think reading success stories after IF is a way to find hope in all of this mess. That's why I continued to follow those blogs after they achieved pregnancy. I needed something to look forward too.

Whatever you choose, please keep us informed because whether your in a 2WW or a 9 Month Wait, I want to follow along...and either way, you're still waiting, right?

badweather said...

An exclusive club, dedicated to all its members being excluded. As you take that next step, we who are left cheer you on, and hope not to see you again in this situation. Sadly we know that there will be others to take your place in the ranks of the infertile club.

Best of luck to you and Sam and your little beanie for this 2ww. I think you know it isn't the same as all the other waits. This one allows you to dream!

missohkay said...

I loved your Level 2 blog but couldn't comment because Blogger was being a beyotch. Congrats again. I don't know what to tell you about the blog title. (I turned out to be grateful that I didn't name mine something pregnancy related but it was totally an accident.) Readers may find you because this is an infertility blog but they stay because of YOU. You're not going to just stop being funny or insightful because you finally got knocked up!

Natalie said...

I say, keep your blog. Once an infertile always and infertile. When I had my daughter after three years of IF, I found I always had a different perspective on everything than those lucky fertiles out there. And not to jump the gun or anything, but there is always secondary infertility to look forward to!

As for the pee-sticks, I guess I was more like Alex (above). I only peed on one. Once I read the "pregnant" I took a picture of it and put it on my phone (it was digital and the message fades after a few hours). I still look at it every once in a while even though I can feel her kicking in there right now. I just couldn't stand any more waiting to see the results on the pee-stick. I'm sure, once you have your first ultrasound, you'll spend a lot more time staring at that photo, than the smelly pee-sticks.

Congratulations again. Good luck on the next beta.

Woman Warrior said...

I disagree. And maybe it's because I'm still on level -19 in the infertility game. I'm at the point where the coin won't even go into the machine. But for me to read a blog where someone has struggled with infertility (whatever the cause may be) and then seeing that something finally worked and they are on a new journey of being pregnant is really encouraging. It is very hopeful for me to know that infertility doesn't lead to a dead end - that it can also be a process that results in good things. Of course I would follow you on your new blog if you choose to move! But just thought I'd give an opinion from someone who can't even get her cause of infertility under control let alone find a fertility treatment that works. Stories like yours keep me floating and give me hope that there's hope out there. :)

Anonymous said...

Delurking, first to say... congratulations! I am so excited for you! And second, for what it's worth, reading that one of the IF bloggers I follow is finally pregnant doesn't annoy me or make me jealous, it gives me hope. I have this weird theory that once all of you get pregnant, I will too. Insanely irrational, I know. But the point is, as a reader, I feel I am rooting for you and Rudy 2.0 right alongside you. I've got a good feeling about this level and all the higher ones to come. Good luck!

My Infertile Confessions said...

I totally understand the whole blog name thing and being pregnant. I guess I'm guilty. My blog is My Infertile Confessions and I'm pregnant with twins. I've honestly thought about changing my blog name or at least thought of making in My (In)fertile Confessions. The problem is, the infertile part of me STILL, at 28 weeks pregnant, thinks I might jinx it. I worry that something tragic might happen! So, I hear you, but yes I'm a fertile INFERTILE, and that part of me will NEVER change. That part of me is still broken from all of the losses and heartache we went through to get to this point.

Anyways, I'm happy to hear that you are pregnant! A big congratulations to you!! And yes, the first trimester is VERY stressful! Praying all goes well for you and your new little bean :)

Dead Cow Girl said...

Oh sweety, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but you have SOO many more two week waits ahead of you.

Even after behbeh is born.

There's the two week wait until the couch fully dries in that spot where they poured the contents of an entire sippy cup full of milk..

There is the two week wait between when they get their first cold, And when they get their next cold.

There is the two week wait between when they start sleeping all night, and you finally stop getting up 14 times a night to check on them.

I could go on...

And again, congratulations!

Secret Sloper said...

It's probably my loss experience talking, but I don't believe the TTC journey is over until the healthy baby is in your arms. *That's* ultimately what we're all looking for here: not two lines on a stick, not a "probably gonna happen" from the adoption agency, but a real baby (or child) in our homes and lives.

And my pregnancy experience is a pregnancy-after-loss-and-IF experience. It's part of the story I'm telling and I think it needs to be on the blog where I've been relating all this from (almost) the beginning.

But if and when Smudgie makes his or her appearance--then I've got some other thoughts in mind. Because that to me is a fittingly Victorian conclusion.

All that said, there have been fewer comments on my posts since leaving first tri and some wonderful readers who don't comment any more. I don't feel hurt. I know what it feel like to be in that place where even reading is too much.

TTCfoodie said...

I agree with Anon and Woman Warrior- witnessing an IF'er realize the dream provides hope and encouragement. I am now hoping my blog can be the same thing for women who have suffered multiple pregnancy losses. It is my place to vent, but also to hopefully provide a glimmer of hope for those who think they can't get and stay pregnant. Each one of us that "makes it" shows others that it is possible for them too. :) Glad to be February 2012 preggo buddies with you.

Sarah said...

I see no reason to change the blog. When you start reading IF blogs I think you know that many of them have probably had babies. That's the goal! And there are a lot of old blogs out there! So, I love reading entire blogs from start to finish! Every story is unique and the best ones are, of course, the ones that end with babies! Don't let future readers miss out of the best part. You will always be an IF blogger and continuing to write on this blog will remind you of that everyday, even when writing about Rudy! Good luck, and I'll continue to read where ever you write!

Heidi said...

see, i was the opposite--when i found an infertility blog and then saw that they were pregnant, i LOVED it. it gave me so much hope and possible answers to my own problems! it made me feel like it wasn't "if," it was just "when." also, i love keeping up with infertility blogs just as much as i did before i was pregnant (due in 2 days! yip!)--something about the community and the ability to empathize is so compelling! sooooo happy for you! love the stick testing obsession--after i got over that one, i became completely reliant on my doppler.... just something to think about :) keep on smilin' and i'll keep on praying for Rudy2 to grow healthy!!!

glimpseinsidemyjourney said...

It gives me a lot of hope when I click on a link to a "infertility" blog and see that she's succeeded in getting pregnant. It reminds me that all this heartache might just be worth something in the end.

p.s. please decorate your tree with the pee sticks. That would hilarious!

~C~ said...

I'm just thoroughly enjoying the visual of your husband brushing his teeth with a pee stick.

Hillary said...

You don't need to worry about offending anyone! I think the universe owes you enough good karma that you can pretty much deal with this amazing news however you want! Shout it from the rooftops! I have been following your blog for a good while and have found myself thinking of you and sending you good thoughts throughout the last couple of weeks. Good luck with everything... So happy for you.

Christina said...

For the pee sticks- you can do one of those mod garland things with the sticks all strung together and hang up somewhere. It's an all season decoration!

The whole "IF blog" and "pregnancy" decision is hard. I'm still unsure about what to post and what would be too painful for followers to read. You don't want to lose those supporters that have been there for the journey as you enter into this even more terrifying chapter.

Whatever your decision, make sure it's what you want to do not what you feel you have to do.

Debi Huss said...

I am totally with you, I was looking for some solace in an IF blog and in almost every one I read the blogger was pregnant and I just said PASS and moved on. Then I found your blog and I felt better because, damn! you have gone through some shit and you can still crack a joke so it is inspirational to me. I also LOVE your idea of the 9 month wait. If, uh, I mean WHEN, I finally get pregnant I know I will be a basket case worrying about every milestone and it would be great to read someone that is going through the same stuff too.

Tara dS said...

Fantastic title for the post! You are so darn funny!

Keep writing, whether here or on the new blog. I really want to hear all about your nine month journey and see the pics of you and baby Rudy when he or she arrives!

I was part of an IF support group and very time someone "graduated," it was hard because I wondered when it would be my turn... But the group leader always told us, "Everyone gets a baby." and while I didn't believe her then, I truly do now. There was a group of us who had been coming to the meetings for months and months, and now, 37 months later, we all have our babies. One got twins through IVF, one finally succeeded on the umpteenth IUI, one adopted an infant, one gave birth via embryo adoption, and my husband and I adopted our two kids through foster care. I used to be surrounded by friends who were suffering through the pain and loss of infertility and now I'm surrounded by friends who made it through to the other side. Your blog is inspiring to many, and for those who need to take a break from your blog now that you're pregnant, I'm guessing they'll check back in after their baby dreams come true too. And they will. Keep the faith, my fellow IF ladies.

CS said...

I think a new blog is a good idea - more for you than for us. Than you can get mushy and excited about being pg, without having to hold back for fear of upsetting the infertiles. Should I ever catch, it is what I plan to do. Keep all the scardiness on the IF blog, all the excitement (yay, I threw up today!) on the preggo blog.

nurslouisa said...

Congrats on strong doubling betas! I think you should keep the blog but warn readers in your "more about me" that you are now expecting. I mean that is the goal of all our IF journeys is it not?! I think you are very respectful and thems who truly love you will follow along regardless of what you blog on.

ceecee867 said...

Keep your blog exactly as it is!!! Please !!! Your story gives hope to so many others :) As for the vast quantities of used pee-sticks... I guess you could keep them long enough to give out as party favors at your baby shower :p

Katie said...

Oh wow. I'm cracking up trying to picture that bathroom encounter with your hubs and the pee stick. That's hilarious! At least he ALMOST brushed his teeth with it instead of realizing the mistake too late. :) I'm so happy for you, and I wouldn't blame you if you peed on 3,000 sticks. You deserve it!

Mrs. M said...

Again congrats! As for the guilty feeling...if we don't see someone succeed then what does it mean for the rest of us? I think it's a sign of hope each time that someone announces that they're pregnant and that one day one of those people could be me.

Shanlee said...

Oh I get the POAS addiction. I got addicted for different reasons as I can get knocked up, I just apparently can't keep them. Part of the "catch and release" program, but I don't remember officially signing up for that. So I POAS to make sure that the HCG is still there, and when I know that it should be gone or on it's way out, I continue to POAS to make sure it's gone.

I like your blog and just because you've crossed over I don't think you'll ever forget what it's like to be on this side of the fence. If you feel a new blog just feels better for you, then go ahead, but be sure to have a very clear link to it on this one so that everyone can continue to read your entries.

Brittani said...

Ummm yeah, I also had a pee stick intervention at my house after my BFP, glad to know I am not the only one! And, I may or may not still have some of them stashed away to look at from time to time...just to make sure they are still positive...even though my baby was born 2 months ago.

I actually had what I could only describe as "survivors guilt" after I got pregnant. I felt so bad to leave my infertile friends behind, I was worried to write too much about my excitement for fear that I would hurt them. The truth was if it did make them sad they never let me know, they were happy that I had crossed over to the other side. I can promise you, you will not forget what it feels like to be an infertile. Continuing to write offers hope (and some good laughs) to those still waiting.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I am so happy for you. I haven't followed for a while because have been busy with my own shitful fertility struggle which recently went downhill, so I have just caught up on your news. Maybe it's because I don't actually know you, or maybe because of your struggles (unlike those bitches who start posting facebook updates of their ultrasounds within a few months of getting married), but your good news has geniuinely cheered me up. You give us all hope. I wish you nothing but an easy pregnancy and birth. Hopefully, one day soon, it will happen to me too.

Ejules said...

Please don't change a thing. I've been rooting for you for quite sometime. I'm so happy for you! Your success is my hope. Should you decide to start a different blog, do it for you, not "us." We are your cheerleaders, right? I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I would miss reading your kicking infertility's ass.

Damita aka Carmel said...

Wow look at all those pee sticks, I always get happy feelings when I see another infertile get preggers :)

Anonymous said...

I have to say that as a fellow infertile, I am SO relieved that you finally got pregnant. My husband and I have been thinking about biting the bullet and trying IVF and with each of your negative outcomes, I got a little more scared for myself. I'm envious of your pregnancy, but I'm definitely not bitter. I feel like, "Good! Another one of us made it!"- and it gives me even more hope that I will make it to the other side one day, too!

Kelli said...

Jay~I missed your level two post (just read it)--congrats!! All the best!

St Elsewhere said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy. And thank God for your husband's pee-stick intervention.

I hope it progresses smoothly.

iclw #36

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

So are you gonna be peeing on things in secret now?!?

Congrats again!

~Suzy aka SuzyKnits on twitter
ICLW #53

Nikki said...

Congrats on your pregnancy. As someone who "crossed over" from the infertility struggles to pregnancy not long ago, I can sympathize with the feelings and the worries you are going through.

Best of luck to you!
ICLW

Queenie. . . said...

Congrat's on the pregnancy!

I don't think you should start a separate blog. The whole point of blogging is to provide an outlet for what is going on in your life. As your life changes, so does your blog. You shouldn't feel bad about that, or feel you have to separate. People who are engaged with your story will still follow you, and people who can't deal won't read. And, pregnancy is the point of going through infertility treatment. I hope everyone gets to the point you're at!

C said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! It's definitely tough to decide what to do, regarding the blog, when you've finally gotten that BFP. Good luck with whatever direction you choose to take, and again, CONGRATS!!!!!

ICLW

Anonymous said...

I sent you an email, do you minding editing any way you want and posting this to reach more people, am really desperate. I'm a 40 year old female with an 11 year old kid. I was actually planning to go try IVF due to my age, decided to have unprotected sex with partner, thinking what the hell, won't work ( but worth a shot, while also taking 180IU/ .18mL I think of hcg (pregnyl) because my friends had some and were taking it as a diet, thought couldn't hurt. Now, no-one can tell me in I'm pregnant or not and it's driving me insane. (I'm in 3rd world country where lazy and stupid are the norm.) Does anyone know whether of 12 days of taking 180IU (really low dose I know) can cause a false positive (partner took one shot, his preg test was neg, but I took 12 doses). Have nausea, exhaustion, 3 pos preg tests, period almost a month late (dr. said uterine lining was thin so probably not going to get my period soon, so probably not a clot, said not early menopause), the ultrasound showed either a blood clot or a 3 week embryo (my own doctor couldn't tell), and the ridiculous lab that was supposed to have my results on hcg levels in blood still can't be bothered to find them. WTF? If you could answer question or know anyone who can, please help. Are all fertility docs this vague, or is it just this rotten country? I'm actually too sick to even pack and leave ( so dizzy and attached to bathroom that can't even leave the house, friends are coming by to help what's left of me), BF is in States (left almost a week ago on urgent matter while symptoms sucked but weren't this bad), won't be back for at least a week while I am keeling over. I would really like to know what the hell is in my uterus, if the 5mm (he thinks) thing he saw (have photos) is not a blastocyst/embryo, although he says can only be pre-period clot or embryo, even though sonogram showed no sign of period coming. I can't find an answer on web for a false pos, missed period, and symptoms at this level of hcg, also what could a sonogram could see in a uterus besides an embryo (he said everything looked normal, no cysts, nothing dangerous), just an unidentified little object. A simple yes or no would be nice, because if I'm this sick without it being morning sickness then it's probably malaria or something else in need of urgent treatment. Without the shots I would be convinced I'm pregnant, everything points to it, but no-one will answer me. Found out I was pregnant with son at 5 weeks and a few days, so maybe this is normal this early, I just don't know, arrghh. Had also been trying this time for less than a month, so I'm in shock, expected infertility torture at my age and all the grim stats. Is this a real preg or just some other form of torture? Why can my own dr. not tell me? What did you know at 3 weeks (or so), that too was an estimate? Started bleeding with boy day after my sonogram showing him, bled till 8 or 9 weeks, so don't have a lot of time to get to comfortable place for bedrest if it happens again, (my mother bled the whole 8 months) and I am damn sick of this country. I hope no TTCs are bothered by this post (because of my son) but you're the only people with this kind of knowledge of the meds and early results, and I fully expected to join you in IVF hell anyway. Have gap between son and TTC because first husband died and quality life partners don't grow on trees. (Also had charming dr. here tell me my son had renal failure and toxic shock and could die in 24 hours just to con me into hospital and rip me off for what turned out to be a simple skin rash, may he rot in hell, so really need help). Congrats to you and all TTCs whose journey worked out!

Kate said...

Hi,

I just found your blog today and have read the whole thing in one sitting. :) I love it, and I really needed it. Thanks for writing.

Congratulations! I hope you continue to share your pregnancy on this blog. Yes, it can be hard for us infertiles to read of people's pregnancy successes, but as you've mentioned before, it's only because we want it so badly for ourselves. And seeing that others who've struggled can, in fact, get pregnant is hopeful, at least for me. I mean, that's what we're all striving for, right? A happy ending? So I hope you continue to share yours. I have no doubt that you'll strike the right tone and this blog will continue to be a fun read. (My husband has asked me at least three times tonight why I keep laughing.) :)

Congratulations again!!!! I am very happy for you.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to have found your website.... like you Jay am on my one year three month two week wait after miscarrying ... still in the trenches .. just wanted to say how sensitive you are.. and how much i apprecaite your blog

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