PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Doesn’t ANYONE Want to See My Vagina?

I had no idea how difficult it would be to find an OB/GYN. I’m not talking about one I like. I’m talking about one that takes my insurance and is accepting new patients. So far, they either don’t take insurance at all, they aren’t accepting new patients, they don’t do deliveries anymore, they’ve moved out of the city or in the case of one doctor someone recommended to me, they are currently in the middle of a messy lawsuit. Oy.

As you may remember, there was a doctor who actually takes my insurance, who is affiliated with the fertility clinic I’ve been going to, and who specializes in high risk pregnancies. He was my holy grail. Wait, no. He was more like my holy speculum.

Anyway, allegedly, he was reviewing my case to see if he would take me on as a new patient. If they requested I also write an entrance essay, it wouldn’t have shocked me in the least. “What My Uterus Did This Summer” by Jay.

After waiting a little over a week, I called his office back and got a receptionist on the phone. After explaining that I had called twice already but hadn’t heard back, I added, “I feel like I’m single again and I’m sitting by the phone waiting for 'him' to call.” Luckily, she laughed and said, “Ok, for that – you have my undivided attention.” She confided in me that he’s actually been on vacation (not sure why that would be a secret exactly but whatever) and she’ll go ahead and schedule an appointment. I'll see him in a few weeks.

Although I’m thrilled to have “got in”, I can’t help but be slightly annoyed that I had to be Shecky Green in order to get someone to pay attention to my va-jay-jay. My private area doesn’t need an opening act. It needs love and attention!

And on that note, in one of my many, “You’re Pregnant and Don’t Know What The F*ck To Do” books, on the subject of oral sex, they advised, “If your partner performs oral sex on you, be sure they do not blow air into the vagina.” Beg your pardon? I didn’t want that when I wasn’t pregnant. Why in the holy hell would I be interested in that now? Seriously – that doesn’t stimulate anything but my need to punch my partner. Furthermore, it’s a vagina. Not a balloon for crying out loud.

What’s super scary is you know this must have happened enough times that someone needed to put this in the book. I see the writers sitting around going, “We’ve REALLY got to make sure we address that blowing air in the vagina thing. It’s become such an epidemic!” And all the others nod in agreement. “Oh yes, we should have a whole chapter on that!”

Also, continuing my “what food, animal or mineral” is the baby this week, the baby is currently the size of a blueberry. Maybe it’s just me but this immediately makes me think of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY when Sam Beauregarde (the father of Violet Beauregarde) says, “Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!” after she eats the incomplete three-course meal gum and subsequently starts swelling up to the size of a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. As Sam is escorted to the juicing room, he says, “I've got a blueberry for a daughter...” Any which way, at least it’s not the size of an oompa loompa or a snozberry. Who’s ever heard of a snozberry???

This Friday, we have another appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist at the clinic to see the baby again and actually hear the heartbeat for the first time. I’m so excited and of course, nervous. I am hoping with all my heart and soul that everything looks good, that the baby is healthy and the heart beat is nothing short of fabulous. I’ll keep you posted. For now though, I’m just so happy someone will be checking things out without me having to do a stand-up routine and especially without blowing any air up my wah-hoo.

24 comments:

Dana said...

I'm glad you got an appointment with that doctor. Who knew it would be so difficult. I live in Canada and, while our medical system certainly has its faults, at least we don't have to worry about which doctor our insurance will cover etc. I may have to use that line that you used with the receptonist sometime.

Doogie said...

The really cool part is that, after all those tranvaginal ultrasounds you go through to GET pregnant, once the pregnancy is established, they leave little 'gina alone until it's time to check the cervix for ripening.

JustHeather said...

Glad to hear you've found a doctor.
I had to share your "do not blow air into the vagina" comment with my husband. He actually laughed, but not nearly as much as I did. He wanted to know why is blowing air in the vagina is worse when you're pregnant than if your not pregnant, if that is your sort of 'thang'. LOL

Jessica said...

You are hilarious! Loving the air up the va-jay-jay...my husband does that all of the time! Just kidding. Glad you got an appt with the OB, and good luck this Friday! Fingers crossed for an awesome thumping beat!

ADSchill said...

I get to hear our babies heartbeats on Monday! We seem to be close in our pregancies. And I have no idea about that blow in the vagina thing. Sounds like a fetish or something.

MissConception

lady pumpkin said...

I was going to try and express the sound of blowing air into the coochie in written form, but I don't think it's possible--mostly because it's FREAKING UNIMAGINABLE! So excited for Friday and can't wait for you to hear that amazing thumpthumpthump! xoxo

Stephanie said...

I hope all goes well with the RE at your next appointment. That sound is amazing! Glad, too, that you found someone to look after your "good china". I hope you like the doctor!

Alex said...

Thanks for making me crack up - as usual... Yay for getting an appointment with the holy speculum dude!!! And good luck at the appointment on Friday - the heartbeat is the best sound EVER!

Meg Coldwells said...

Jay...I too laughed out loud (literally) regarding the "whooosh up the puss" ~ I guess some women get overly 'hot in the crotch' and need a different kind of blow job once they actually become pregnant...? Who knew!
Sending lots of love a healthy heart beats for Friday. xoxo Meg

Jacksmom said...

I love reading your posts, LOL. Glad you found a doc to get in with, no idea why vacation would be a secret, they are entitled to take one here and there too! Goo luck at Friday's appointment, hope it goes splendidly!!!

peleb said...

Only you! The funniest thing is I read that "blowing" thing a while back and wondered WTF? Who does that and why is it even a subject?? Oh well apparaently it's a problem, who knew and apparenntly there was some need to mention it.I think I read it on baby center.com. Have fun and lookinfg foward to your next post :) !

JMM said...

Loved reading your post!! Thanks for the entertainment! Hooray for finding an OB/GYN! You're having a blueberry...I love it!

mommyodyssey said...

Listen, if a stand-up routine is what it takes to get an appt with this guy, I say keep a notepad of zingers by the phone for each time you need to call his office. Oh, and of course, don't forget the clown nose and wig for when you show up for the appointment. I say: desperate times call for desperate (and blog-worthy) measures!

missohkay said...

Holy speculum, ha! Let's hope you don't have to do all the Indiana Jones things to get there. Snakes? I hate snakes.

Julia Lynn said...

I LOVE to read your writing!!! :-)
Also, my family has continued to check with me on your status :-) We all are continuing to pray for you and the health of your beautiful baby (blueberry-sized or otherwise)!
Love you!
~Julia

Heidi said...

i totally agree with doogie--i felt like my 'gina got broken up with after i left my RE!!! it was like "oh! an ultrasound is done through the belly, too?! sorry, let me put my pants back up!" :) praying everything looks perfect on friday! yay for getting to hear your little blueberry hard at work!!!

China Doll said...

Such a funny post! I have that warning about blowing in my book too and it did make me wonder...
Hope all goes really well at your RE appt :)

Tara dS said...

Well now I am curious and will have to do two things I never imagined I would do:

1. Google "why it's not safe to blow air in the vagina during pregnancy" and hope no one finds this in my Internet cache.

2. Have the husband blow air in my vagina to see what all the hoopla is about. :)

Tara dS said...

Okay, scratch number two. After completing number one, I've decided we won't be trying it after all.

Shocking how much info is out there on this topic. :)

Secret Sloper said...

Yeah, that vagina-air thing comes as a bit of a shock. And they're VERY INSISTENT that you DO NOT DO THIS! Which, as you say, is odd because who the hell would? Why would I want my husband to blow into my vagina? What exactly is that going to do for me. Craziness.

Finding a qualified OB (who delivers at the hospital you want and takes your insurance) in NYC is like searching for meaning in a Paulie Shore movie. I nearly had a panic attack when we were kicked out of the RE's and had to start looking. It took about 2 weeks, but man was I tense during that time. I'm glad your comedy routine won this dude's heart :)

annoyed army wife said...

Yikes, that's pretty amazing. I can't believe it took that much work to get an appointment. Now I'm off to google why you can't go blowing air up there.

zygotta said...

aaaaah
i'm so glad my fertility clinic is taking care of finding me an ob-gyn and scheduling an appointment...

on a separate note, i also remember reading about blowing air into vagina in a few sources - and i was just as perplexed as you! wtf???

Penny Kane said...

I am laughing so hard right now - Blowing air... What has this world come to? Thanks for the laughs. Best of luck at the doc.

Anonymous said...

Blowing air into the vagina can in rare cases cause an embolism (kind of like shooting someone with a syringe full of air, but that actually takes way more air than the movies would have you believe) and kill you, pregnant or not, that's why it's not a good idea. Think I'll pass on that type of 'blow'job.'

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