PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Monday, August 8, 2011

But I Can't Complain...

My mother, who I adore, has a habit of saying, “But I can’t complain…” The trouble is she usually says this after a half hour of complaining.

Lately, I feel like I’m turning into my mother.

This Friday, I will be thirteen weeks pregnant. I still can’t believe it. Every time I get a sonogram and see someone in there literally waving at me, I’m amazed. After two and a half years of seeing nothing but blank empty space, it just never gets old. I love my OB/GYN, our NT scan went well, the baby seems to be healthy (we get the NT blood test results this week) and so far, things are going along as they should.

When you’ve struggled with infertility and you want nothing more than to be pregnant, you can’t imagine ever being bothered by even the worst symptoms of pregnancy. I find myself in the position now where it doesn't just feel ungrateful but it feels so incredibly sh*tty to complain. I worked so hard and spent so much money for this pregnancy that it isn't just that I can't complain, I feel like don't have the right to!

When I was nauseous the first week or so, I actually thought it was adorable. The next week, when I couldn’t eat anything that wasn’t beige (toast, crackers, bananas, etc.); I said to myself, “Well, you’ve spent good money on this nausea! I might as well enjoy it!” When I started throwing up one to two times a day during a heat wave in New York, I desperately wanted to whine but instead, I renewed my commitment to not complain. I just started to bring water, gum and plastic bags with me and vowed to keep my sense of humor.

Then, one time, when I threw up and peed on myself, I began to stop laughing. I was kneeling down on my bathroom floor over the toilet and I peed right on our bathroom area rug. The frog embroidered on the rug still smiled but I knew he felt degraded. I immediately took the rug, soaked it in hot water and took a shower. The trouble is when I stepped out of the shower, because there was no rug, I slipped. Luckily, I didn’t completely fall but both my pride and feelings of attractiveness went down the toilet right along with my flavorless mashed potato dinner. You don’t know how humiliating it is when your husband asks you what happened to the bathroom rug and you have to tell him, “Ummm, yeah. I had an accident.” I’m sorry to say this wouldn’t be the only time this would happen.

When your wife is throwing up and peeing on a daily basis, it’s a mood killer. My husband loves me but to say he backed off from me physically is an understatement. I can’t blame him though. The only way these fabulous new traits would EVER be a turn on would be if you were into German porn.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve thrown up in pretty much every bathroom in a ten mile radius of my home. I would be remiss if I didn’t add here that if you’re ever in this situation, do all that you can to avoid throwing up at the bathrooms in Penn Station, New York. The smell alone will not help your cause.

Almost impressively, despite my inability to hold on to much food these days, I’ve also managed to gain seven pounds. My doctor says that this is actually common with women who deal with morning sickness as they tend to eat more carbohydrates. After years of infertility treatments, hormone injections, progesterone and now pregnancy, I have become a permanent version of a bloated dying Elvis.

Adding to my already poor body image, my mother bought me some maternity clothes from the Salvation Army. I tried some on this past weekend and there were quite a few that made me look like I was a sugar mamma wearing a moo moo by the pool at my condo in Miami Beach while hitting on the pool boy.

I feel unattractive, I miss seeing color in my food, my underwear is tight and I feel like I’ve had the stomach flu for two solid months now. Every morning, my mantra is, “Just try not to throw up on anyone who decides what your year end bonus should be.

I hate writing all of this and I’m sure there are some of you who are following this blog and who are trying to get pregnant who want to now strangle me (that is if you actually made it through this sad, whiny post). Here’s the thing though: I WANT TO STRANGLE ME TOO. I am annoying myself as I truly am over the moon about this pregnancy. I am grateful, humbled and deeply appreciative of every milestone and every second this pregnancy has brought me.

The fact remains though that I have genuinely tried every trick, every rationale, every pep talk and every wive's tale to get through this morning sickness that lasts well past the morning and it still sucks total ass. My doctor said that it usually eases up anywhere in between twelve to fourteen weeks and dear god, I really hope that’s true.

But really, I can’t complain…

41 comments:

clewis said...

The nausea must be horrid, Was just wondering if you have any belly? I have quite a belly already and am 12 weeks, am starting to think Im some kind of fat freak as people keep commenting on how big the bump is for 12 weeks, Hope im not the only one! PS: Very ammusing blog.

shutterbugwife said...

Ok, you know I would literally do ANYTHING for a baby. But also, I hate throwing up. Completely and totally despise it. If I ever get pregnant and am throwing up every day, you better believe and I am going to complain about it. Just because you are tired of puking, doesn't mean you are incredibly grateful to be pregnant.

aramass said...

I feel your pain. I was the same. I started off loving the nausea but by week 15 it made me cry. I also pissed myself while puking. I also only ate white food and couldn't imagine ever eating a vegetable again. A year later and a couple of babies and I can't remember what that nausea feels like, although you've just reminded me. Don't feel guilty. Fertile Myrtles are allowed to complain and so are you. It's not like you hate being pregnant is it? You just hate being sick. And pissing on carpets. x

missohkay said...

I had my first morning-after hangover throw-up in seven years yesterday and I said to my DH that throwing up while pregnant was much more rewarding! But throw-up is throw-up and you can't be expected to enjoy every minute of it even when you're profoundly grateful for the reason. Hang in there - hopefully it will subside soon!

kateypie35 said...

I see it differently - I think anyone who has struggled to get pregnant has EARNED the right to complain, whine, moan, and kvetch. Anyone who happens to get preggo easily from a romp with their husband can keep their yap shut. HAHAAAAA

Anonymous said...

This post made me laugh. My sister is about as far along as you are. She knows all about my ttc struggles.. So she is trying to be very diplomatic. But everytime someone asks her how she is doing she says something like "Okay, very tired, but I'm not complaining" or "I can't complain, just a little nauseous". The constant "I'm not complaing" is more obnoxious then the actual complaints. I know she is trying to spare my feelings, but c'mon. I know pregnancy isn't rainbows and glitters. I hope you start feeling better very soon!

Willow said...

I too felt like it wasn't right to complain about my pregnancy symptoms when I worked so hard and waited so long to get them--but honestly, being nauseous sucks! (my all-day sickness didn't go away till 15 weeks btw--then again, I only actually threw up a couple times, so that was a plus. Though constantly being on the verge of puking was no great thrill either.) I still try not to complain, but if I do, I always say "but it's totally worth it!" I am grateful for all the unpleasant symptoms that signal a baby growing big and strong inside me. But still...sometimes not being able to get off the couch because my belly is too big to maneuver, or wearing a boot for a pregnancy stress-fractured foot, or not being able to sleep at night because I'm uncomfortable and get up to pee constantly (my 31-week symptoms, woot!) is really hard, grateful as I am for the opportunity to suffer all this (& more, I'm sure!) for my baby. My point being, I at least am cool with it if you want to complain a little :)

Natalie said...

Hang in there Jay. Glad to hear that everything is going great with the pregnancy in spite of the horrible morning sickness. Throwing up is horrible, don't feel bad about complaining. You've more than earned the right to experience all aspects of pregnancy including the complaining about the rough parts.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up, Jay! Thank you for the laughs! I really needed them today! I'm SORRY about your all-day sickness! (Is it too sick to confess I wish I could feel some right now?=) I hope the symptons ease up soon. I also hope I too can find humor in it when my turn comes. Please remember my offer to translate your book into Spanish when you write it. It would be my little grain to help others heal through laughter =) XXXOOO Susy_Sama

lady pumpkin said...

Geez, woman, leave it to you to get eight comments in the first 48 minutes of a post's being online. You know how I feel about your complaining--I wish there were more of it!--but I realize that I am in different circumstances than some other readers might be. I just wish there were something I could do. Please look into narcotics. The safe kind. And I hope this nonsense is behind you ASAP. xoxo

kkasun said...

I understand and you feel bad complaining, but xome on no matter what its for it sucks.
I always kept a trash bag in ny purse and rissues and those portable toothbrushes with tootpaste on them.
I was a pee r too. I hope yours stops at 12 weeks, mine went on to 25 weeks.
I know I won't remember it or care when my baby is 1 or 2 or10, but it sucks ass while its happening.

Kasey said...

Carry plastic bags everywhere! I found bags preferable to the grossness that are bathrooms and trashcans of the transit system, which make me kind of nauseous anyhow. I had the unfortunate experience of only throwing up while in transit. That was the last time I took the express bus while pregnant. Hope it passes soon.

Alex said...

Peeing while throwing up? Oh yes, I've done it. I've have also mastered the art of peeing while coughing, laughing, and especially while sneezing. But my proudest moment while pregnant is the time I sneezed, peed and farted - all at the same time - and my husband got to witness it. Fabulous...

I hope the nausea gets better soon!

sienna said...

Wow, 13 weeks already! Yaay! And as much as I hated my morning sickness, the fact the I had it was a relief. Bc as soon as it started to disappear, I was like "oh shit"! I tried everything as well and nothing worked except to just sleep as much as possible. The more I'm conked out, the less I am aware that I feel like shit. That was how i dealt. And so i pretty much slept my way through the first tri. On the plus side for you, your nausea should be going away soon or at least getting better! Xoxo.

Wonder Woman said...

Awwww..I am so sorry. I know just how you feel. I am happy that i finally got a positive but really miss my face without all the acne and not heaving at the smell of cooking chicken. It's a fair trade i'd say..but that doesnt mean it's fun. lol

~Rae~ said...

This made me LOL. Because I used to pray "I'll throw up everyday for the whole 9 months if you will just let me get pregnant God!" when I saw my niece, who threw up until her 17th week...i quickly realized that I probably wouldn't want to do that for 40 weeks...lol But I do understand everything you are saying. I would be so grateful to get pregnant, plus have a boat load of 'survivor's guilt' for all my friends who are still 'waiting', plus not wanting to complain-but feeling like a heel when you do....what exactly are you suppose to do??? My answer, just continue to be your honest self, oh and buy you some poise pads. They help when the peeing due to puking starts. Hope this part is over soon--looking forward to hearing about your feeling his/her's first kicks!!

peleb said...

I think most women would agree with your post.It is not fun to throw up ever! I guess unless you are chocking! But seriously it is ok to vent, sounds better then complaining. Best wishes for some smooth sailing and I love your humor!

Courtney said...

Aww, hopefully it goes away soon! Mine started to clear up around 14wks and I got my appetite back (with a vengeance) at 17wks!

Jacksmom said...

Mama, unfortunately I totally feel your pain. This is why I try to avoid posting on my blog latest unless I have something better to balance it out. With our son, I had morning sickness that lasted all day until I was 36 weeks pregnant. No joke. 2 weeks before he was born I felt like a new person. It is just wrong to feel that way for that long. And I felt just like you do now-that if I complain people will perceive me as ungrateful. I knew this time that it could be the same deal. It has been (although I am not throwing up 5-6 times a day this time, but I am also on a max dose of zofran and getting iv fluids 3 times a week) similar circumstances (my stress incontinence wasn't this bad my first either), and I did almost make it 3 weeks without throwing up, but I had to restart the count as this last week has been awful. I am at 16 weeks with no sign of it stopping. Strap yourself in and hold on tight. Hoping the end of it is in sight for you soon, and if it isn't and you are like me, just try to focus on the good stuff when it starts like feeling the little one move. I promise as much as it sucks right now, you will look back and be willing to risk it all over again.

Josey said...

LOL, I shouldn't laugh, but you're exactly where I was 7 weeks ago. At first it was "nice" to feel nausea and "feel pregnant." By the time it progressed to puking day in and day out, it just NOT FUN, and it's pretty impossible to not complain when you're afraid of going anywhere that isn't 4 steps from your own toilet. Thankfully, I started feeling better around 14 weeks I think - hopefully you will too!!

(ps, i just started peeing when I sneeze. not fun. here we go!)

L-L-L-Leslie said...

I agree that you've earned the right! Just because it took more work to get there, doesn't mean you don't get to experience every last bit of being pregnant, even the complaining. Hope you start feeling like yourself again soon!

Anna said...

It kind of makes me feel better that I'm not the only one that has peed themselves while puking. My husband totally mocked me for it but threw the laundry in while doing it so I have to forgive him a little.

One perfect emby said...

I know exactly what you feel like re nausa..I have it every day most of the time from afternoon to night but suffering bad reflux so I am like you focusing on the wonderful things about being pregnant..growing B00bs...growing stomach...naval changing (I think it might become an outy) and my blonde hairs on belly starting to grow..
Im hoping that we both get rid of our nausea sooner then later

zygotta said...

I seriously don't understand why can't you seek sympathy and support once you get pregnant. Yes, you are incredibly lucky. Yes, you are pregnant. Which doesn't mean you feel physically shitty - and need support!

You've been dreaming of hugging a baby, not a toilet bowl. So while I get that nausea gives you reassurance the baby is okay, I don't get why you feel you're forbidden to say nausea sucks - because it is.

Hang in there. Everyone says the 2nd trimester is far better. Although I still get the uber-bloats that make me feel like I am being operated on with no anesthetics...

Jen said...

Hugs Jay! My morning sickness wasn't bad, but the fatigue was. I literally could not get up and my body ached and burned for 11 weeks. But like you, I couldn't complain.

I hope the sickness subsides soon. And a huge congrats on almost 13 weeks :)

Patty said...

Don't feel bad about complaining because of the morning sickness. I tried over a year to get pregnant and was so excited when it finally happened until I was vomiting so much I wanted to die. It started to get better around week 13/14 but it was slow. I was still vomiting at week 19 but thankfully the vomiting is over and now I just have some nausea when I haven't eaten in awhile. So far the 2nd trimester has been much better, just take it one day a time (or one puke at a time!) If it makes you feel better, they say a lot of vomiting is a sign the pregnancy has really taken and some say it's b/c you are pregnant with a girl (which was the case with me). Anyways, good luck!

thewrightday said...

I appreciate that you feel like you shouldn't complain, but darlin' it's throwing up. There is nothing good about it. Sure it's for a good cause - that wonderful thing growing inside - but I'd rather scrub my toilets clean instead of throwing up in them! So I totally feel for you. I hope that as the weeks continue the nausea subsides! And you poor thing - I hope the bath mat made it through the cleaning okay because I don't want to hear about any more slipping! Totally scared me as I was reading that part!

bubhub said...

Ha! Love the degraded frog. As always you manage to make the awful funny. I am still trying and I do feel sad - it feels like it's raining pregnant women some days. But having followed some of your writing I know you've been through an awful lot for this opportunity, and reading about how you're handling pregnancy doesn't make me sad, it gives me hope that one day it will be me.

SLESE1014 said...

I swear investing in poise pads or always all nights were the smartest thing I ever did....I vomit, I pee, I laugh, I pee, I cough/sneeze I pee, and sometimes, I just pee...My nausea ended when I stopped taking the progesterone supplements, and I was only having issues when I brushed my teeth, but for 11 wonderful days I've only gagged a little when brushing my teeth....It's hard to be grateful when watching your lunch go down the drain, but it's OK to complain a little. It's not fun, but dammit it's worth every damn thing we go through. I'm so grateful my little one is still in there growing and staying healthy. But in the throws of the misery that is morning sickness or peeing yourself, well, it's easy to slip in to that complaining mode. It doesn't mean we're any less grateful. I've read many many posts from IFers who've crossed over and we've all been there. Before I was pregnant, i wasn't mad or angry at the complaints, I was just a bit jealous....now I find myself just plain grateful!

foxinthehenhouse said...

It's OK. Complain away. It sounds truly horrible. And yet I aspire to one day experience it all. ;)

Anonymous said...

Congrats Jay for making to week 13, that must feel like a real milestone!
I so hear you on this though. After 3 years TTC and 2 IUIs (one leading to an ectopic pregnancy - so NOT good) I'm delightedly 9 weeks gone with twins. I feel like crap: I don't seem to be able to sleep for more that 3 hours on the trot, or eat more than about half a normal plateful. I'm feeling sick all the time and exhausted. And my belly is definitely bigger (it looks extra fat). But I also feel so lucky, and so aware that it could still go so very wrong that I just can't complain. If this is pregnancy, bring it on! (And especially the middle trimester when it should all get easier).

Secret Sloper said...

I try really hard to never complain. But I am also the luckiest person in the world and having what I often think of as an incredibly easy pregnancy: 1 week of morning sickness. Lots of energy in the third tri. Very manageable weight gain. Etc, etc, etc. (Don't jinx me now Lord, I'm grateful, okay? This is not an invitation for something terrible to befall me or Smudgie!)

And you know what? Pregnancy is still uncomfortable. I had dreadful heartburn in first tri that made me vomit--and piss--and sniss (sneeze/pee)--and whatever peeing while you cough is called. I spent three days in bed with sciatic pain around 20 weeks. I haven't slept through the night or without quite a lot of hip pain in about 15 weeks. And like I said, this is an easy pregnancy!

I know how awful the terrible nausea is from my first pregnancy. It's not fun, no matter how you slice it. Feeling non-human blows and feeling that way for weeks blows harder. And you love your baby more than anything and would go through it all over again for his or her sake. But you also don't want to be sick anymore. We get it.

The difference is, you would never say to someone "You just don't understand how hard pregnancy is." You would never say to someone (as one of my friends did), "I was so sick I didn't want to be pregnant any more."

So you get to vent :)

KT said...

I shouldn't laugh at you peeing and throwing up at the same time, but the image was just too funny. I think that even though it took a long time for you to get pregnant you can complain all you want about the symptoms. Just because you had to work harder to get pregnant doesn't mean that you should relish throwing up all of the time. You should be able to complain about your aches/pains/issues just as much as a couple that got pregnant by "accident" or in the second month that they were trying.

If I am ever able to get pregnant, I will complain about my symptoms. I will be grateful and excited that I am pregnant, but I will still complain. :-)

Heidi said...

i never had morning sickness, but i feel the same guilt over complaining about my little one's colic. truly good times... and i died laughing at the salvation army comment. oh, and yay for awesome test results!!!!

nurslouisa said...

You are so allowed to bitch! And yes I agree the bathrooms at Penn station are to be avoided at all costs!

Kakunaa said...

Oh, sweetie. That was me. And I gained the weight, too, as food actually helped.i still think zofran would help. HUGS

Toni said...

Morning sickness is the worst! I had it from week 5-18. Pregnancy is hard work, anyone who can go through a pregnancy and not complain at all, isn't human. ;)

Jess said...

Hey! I am new to your blog. Congrats on your pregnancy! So very exciting.

~Jess
P.S. I think we ALL say we will never be like our parents and we always turn into them. Eeks.

April said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you feel better soon.

ICLW

Michelle said...

Jay I would tell you not to let the negative people get you down, but I think you already have that well under control. I get where you are coming from, as an adoptive mom, I was told that I was never allowed to be frustrated, tired, or upset about parenthood, and guess what I was, and still am at times! It's the best thing we ever did, but it doesn't mean it was all sunshine and butterflies and that I loved every single moment of it! Enjoy the good parts, and know that you have the right to not like throwing up in Penn Station, or dealing with swollen ankles.. you have every right to feel just as every other woman who has ever been pregnant feels!

Shalin said...

I am so super thankful for coming across your blog!! We have been TTC for 3 and a half years and have been through IVF also. We are in a down~time right now and it has been so exhausting considering our "options". I have laughed til I cried, giggled and roared aloud reading this entry. You have been my sweet blessing tonight. Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share your trials.

Angela

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