PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Pregnant Infertile

If you read my blog often, you may have read my most recent post called, “But I Can’t Complain”. The post was about how I feel guilty for complaining about my morning sickness after going through years of fertility treatments. So many of your comments were incredibly kind, supportive and generous; especially those of you who are still working towards getting pregnant. I sincerely appreciate it.

That being said, I did receive one anonymous comment on that posting that said the following:

“Boo hoo... you pee and throw up. At least your pregnant you mindless twat. Some of us would kill to feel that way and your complaining. I guess you forgot what it's like, just like every other so called infertile who gets a BFP. Whatever.”

Putting grammar, punctuation and the sentiment of the comment aside for a moment, I do want to acknowledge that this is not only the first time I’ve ever been called a “twat” (at least that I'm aware of) but it’s also the first time I’ve included the word “twat” on this blog. I even wrote it down in my baby book (8/19/11 – First time Jay was called a twat!). I’d like to thank the poster for introducing the word into my blog because let’s face it: 'Twat' is a fun word.

When you get a comment like that (which is almost always anonymous by the way), the debate is whether to publish it or delete it. Some feel you’re rewarding them by acknowledging it and others feel it gives you the chance to respond. I get both sides of that argument and I went back and forth on what was the appropriate way to handle the comment.

It was when someone on my Twitter account asked me, “Is there anything to be accomplished by publishing it?” that things became clearer for me. It’s a damn good question. I don’t think the poster wanted to accomplish anything other than expressing her frustration at her own infertility and that she pretty much f*cking hates me for what she perceives as my ungrateful attitude, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something to be accomplished. This is why I decided to include it in today’s post.

Now bear with me for a moment… do any of you remember Pedro Zamora?  Zamora was on MTV's reality television series, The Real World: San Francisco in 1993. He was openly gay and publicly discussed being HIV-positive. This was groundbreaking television and it was before MTV became the big pile of crap that it is today. Snookie – I’m looking squarely at you.

On one episode, Pedro did some sort of motivational talk to a group of people about what it was like dealing with AIDS. He said (and I’m going on memory here), “I am not dying of AIDS. I am living with AIDS.” When he said this, it blew me away. By changing a few words, he conveyed that even though AIDS was not his choice, it was a part of his reality and he was living with it as best he could.

This quote in a weird way reminds me of how I feel about struggling with infertility and now being pregnant. Of course, there is a huge difference between AIDS and infertility and I don’t mean to compare the two directly. It’s more that I’m not just your average pregnant woman. I am a pregnant woman living with infertility. I’ve taken Clomid, progesterone, various hormone shots, estrogen patches, done three inseminations, three in vitros and suffered through embarrassments, disappointments, physical pain and both financial and emotional strain. Being pregnant, at least not for me, doesn’t erase what I’ve endured and here’s the thing: I don’t want it to.

I’ve begun telling people that I’m pregnant and nine times out of ten when I tell someone, I include either that we had a very difficult time getting pregnant or I tell them point blank that we got pregnant through our third IVF. Granted, I’ve gotten some odd comments when I tell people this. My favorite was a co-worker who said, “How do you know it’s really your embryo?” Really? We’re going to discuss this over the photocopier? And who asks this???

Anyway, I’m sure my therapist could give you various reasons why I feel the need to add our infertility struggles to my announcements, but if you ask me, I’d tell you that it’s because I’m proud of it. I didn’t just get knocked up by my husband sneezing on me one night. I worked my mother f*cking ass off for it. A fertile woman gets pregnant. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. An infertile woman gets pregnant and she earned it through blood, sweat and tears. LITERALLY.

Plus, not for nothing but going through infertility has introduced me to the MOST amazing women ever that I’m forever grateful to have met. Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter or this blog: I’ve connected with people that have enriched my life. I'm as grateful for them as I am to be pregnant... and that's no bull sh*t.

Recently, I got my blood work back from my NT scan. In terms of the Down syndrome, they said for a woman of my age (which is 37), it SHOULD be a 1 in 142 chance. My blood test results however came back as a 1 in a 109 chance. Technically, that's a little less than a 1% chance but they asked if I wanted to do amniocentesis.

Again, a woman who gets pregnant easily might say, “Sure! Throw it on my tab!” But for me, I don’t know if I can do that. Although amnio is a very common procedure, there is still a risk of miscarriage. Because I am an infertile pregnant woman, I can’t even consider doing anything that might possibly harm this baby. I’m too terrified. We are going to do repeat blood work in two weeks to see if the odds have changed at all and we’ll talk to the doctor and see what she thinks, but this is another great example of what being pregnant after dealing with infertility can do to you. You worry. You obsess. You know how difficult it was to get here and you know how easy it could be to lose it.

So, getting back to my anonymous commenter. This is what I would like to say to her: Although I can’t say I relish your comment and although you may not believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. If I’m being honest, I know I’ve even thought that about other pregnant women in the past (well, minus the twat part) but the difference is I didn’t contact them about it.

However, you’re obviously hurting and I knew that particular post might elicit that response from someone. I even mentioned that in one of the last paragraphs of that post… that I was sure some of you would want to strangle me for bitching about throwing up.

Regardless, even though some may say I’m rewarding you or egging you on by saying what I’m about to say, I’m going to say this anyway: If you’re struggling with infertility and you’re having a difficult time, then I truly am sorry that my complaining about morning sickness upset you. I’m also sorry you’re going through this as no one should.

In short, the mindless twat is sending you back love and hope. :)

80 comments:

SJW said...

Hello. You don't know me, but stumbled across your blog - I think all blog stalkers use the word 'stumbled' - while I was pregnant. I must shamelessly admit that I have been intrigued and inspired by what you have been going through and am rooting for your pregnancy right along with you. You - and other women struggling with infertility, as well as 'Baby Loss Mamas' have educated me so much and humbled me in such a way - you probably will never know the impact you guys have on the selfish rest of us that take such things as 'favorable cervical mucus' for granted. In regards to you being a 'twat' - so what. (You're a twat with a bun in the oven. :) ) And I would suspect that who ever posted that is probably a cunt - infertile or not. So, enough with the vagina talk - I just wanted to let you know I am reading and actually welcome you to the 'Mommy' club. As you have discovered, it starts when you are pregnant - not when you give birth. I have a blog too - feel free to read or not; I have four kids, so I will totally understand if you are calling me a twat right now. But hopefully my stories will give you some insight on what to expect - now that you are expecting. Congratulations!

Oh - and about your NT scan - I can relate to that. Mine came back as a very high chance (1 in 6) that my baby would have spina bifida or missing half of his head or something like that. He turned out fine. I did ask my husband what he would do if our baby had Down Syndrome or something - would he want to terminate. Do you know what he said? "Hell no - all the downs kids that I have ever known have the best personalities and that would be a total improvement from our other 3." :)

kate said...

I can't say it surprises me, there are always people begrudging those who are pregnant, even if they went through hell to get there. If I am honest, sometimes I even feel that way myself, but that's my issue and I would never say it to someone, pregnant after IF or not. I wish this person peace, though I struggle, so I know it isn't easy to come by.

I wish you peace as well, because you do live with the realities of being pregnant after tx and you will never be as carefree about your pregnancy as some people will be. I hope the pregnancy progresses along wonderfully and that you don't have too many things to stress about.

Jay said...

SJW - First off: LOL! You're adorable and congrats on not only the four kids but the favorable cervical mucus. Secondly: I would never call a woman who is brave enough to have four kids a twat. I'd call her very lucky. And thank you for being sensitive to the rantings of an infertile pregnant woman. I'm following your blog right now!

Jes G said...

i have to say that i am very proud to be a follower of your blog. because of posts like this. because of your eloquence when speaking to someone who clearly is suffering and is hurtful at the same time. i was pregnant when you became pregnant.....sadly, now, i am not.....but i have to say, i wish you the very best with your pregnancy. i wish you a healthy and happy take home baby. i can't wait to read more. whether it be posts about morning sickness or posts about creating the perfect nursery for your perfect little bean!
xoxo

Heather said...

I think we've all (well your infertile readers anyway) been where anonymous is right now. I know I certainly have, although I wouldn't express it in someone else's blog. It sucks while you are in the thick of it. And I can totally relate to this post. I felt like a very abnormal pregnant woman. I couldn't relate to the fertiles at all and felt like I still didn't fit in. It's kind of a weird nomads land.

Best wishes on your next round of bloodwork. Being 37 myself I was very stressed out about that part of things too.

Jay said...

Thank you both very much.

Heather - yes, I think we so have all been there so it's good to be compassionate. It's also nice to know there's another "abnormal pregnant" woman out there!

And Jes G - Your comment is so incredibly generous and sweet. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sincerely sending you the biggest virtual hug I can.

lady pumpkin said...

This is a great post. As ever, my temptation is to say stop being so damn nice to people who can't be nice to you. But hey, that's why you invited me to the party. And this may get me some twat mail of my own--maybe I should post anonymously?--but we are all in the reality we are in, in the moment that we are in it. When you feel like crap and can't keep food (or Tums or seltzer) down, IT SUCKS, no matter what the beautiful and poetic circumstances that have you there. Yes, objectively, it's obviously awesome and to be celebrated and cherished that you got pregnant, but when you're puking up whatever you have or haven't eaten, YOU'RE STILL PUKING IT UP. And it doesn't become fun or comfy or delightful just because you're fortunate enough to have conceived. My 2p from Londontown...

~Rae~ said...

I am sure 'anonymous' probably has her uterus on her sleeve. I know I did early on during my IF battles. That being said, NO ONE knows what it's like to preggers & puking daily unless they've actually done it. You have NO idea what you will feel like. Nor do you know what it's like to actually have a baby that is dependent on you 24/7 (not just babysitting-but actually your's). It is not easy. I felt like a 'twat' anytime I even thought about complaining when AJ was born (in NICU for 6.5 wks-the again for 9 days) because at least I finally had a baby (even though I didn't give birth to him nor is he my/dh's bio child). I know you can't help but have a little bit of survivor's guilt, but don't let anonymous jerks like that keep the rest of us 'non-pregger infertiles' from living vicariously through you. I want sonogram pics, belly shots--I want it all!!! :-) No, I'm not a perv, I just love seeing babies growing in the womb-it's precious, miraculous, and just plain beautiful. Plus, you've been thru hell to get to where you are. It's your time. No one can explain how that happens(why you and not so&so)-but it's not for you to worry about, it's for you to enjoy and for us to be happy for you & love/support you throughout & beyond.
Congratulations again! I, for one, love the fact that you are being real about it all. :-)

lady pumpkin said...

Oh, and also? A friend who had a nauseous pregnancy told me that that's not, in fact, pee. Trivial Pursuit, here we come!

~Rae~ said...

And for the 'Napoleon Dynamite' fans out there, the word verification for my previous comment was 'pedro'...roflmbo. Tina, you fat lard, eat your dinner.

Kelly said...

This post is simply awesome. Truly.

Casey said...

Let me tell you this will not be the first or last time you vent or complain unless somehow you change into a superhuman like Jesus or Christie Turlington. Pregnancy is not easy, especially for infertiles, who as you alluded to, worry every second of every day if it will be okay. I was nauseous every minute of the day through my 15th week. I had bad stomach issues that almost required a colonoscpy in my second trimester, but did require a diet of rice and bananas for three weeks. I was tired too. My child is three and some days I am overwhelmed by exhaustion, lack of sleep and the overall amount of energy it takes to keep up with her,discipline her and make sure she is thriving. Yet AT LEAST 25 times a day and before I go to bed each night I am thankful that I am so very lucky (and get to be so very exhausted). I look at my daughter and cry sometimes in the wonderment and amazement of how she came to me, with my ever growing list of impossible infertility issues. I will never forget where I came from and not to mention where I am still with the infertility bullshit. Life is too hard and too painful to look at the world as "haves and have nots" . With this world view we cannot hold and support eachother.

Kelly said...

BTW...how can I follow you on Twitter? What's your SN?

Freedomshocked said...

As a fellow infertile, I was so happy to read that you were pregnant, but I was secretly hating you. Just a little bit. ;) Its hard not to! My hubby didn't understand why I broke into tears every time another friend made the big announcement. I guess because it made me feel like a failure of a woman... All my friends, younger and older, were popping out #2 and #3 and I couldn't even get to 1. We have been trying for 4 years with no luck. When our 3rd insemination failed in May, I had a total and complete emotional breakdown and called everything off (at least for a while). But I kept reading your blog. It gave me hope that once I was ready to try again, it might just work. Lo and behold, the month after I threw my little tantrum, we're knocked up! ON OUR OWN! Its a friggin miracle! I feel guilty complaining about anything as well, even to my husband. But I know how hard we worked at this, and how much pain it caused... It feels wrong to whine (though I still do... A little. ;) ) I'm so thankful to be pregnant, but I know the journey is far from over. We've already had one scary visit to the ER, but after 3 weeks of bed rest, things look ok again. :) We've not told anyone but family yet, simply because I'm so terrified of losing our little one and having to un-tell... Second semester can't get here soon enough! I'll feel SO much better then! I wish you only the best, you absolutely deserve it! <3

Ericka said...

I am so glad I read your blog this evening. As much as I have wanted to say what 'anonymous' said to so many people in my life, I would never think twice about saying it to someone who has struggled like you and I (and so many other infertiles) have.
I feel pretty bad for 'anonymous' because by the time she (God-willing) gets pregnant (hey 'anonymous', I AM rooting for you and all infertiles to hold their healthy newborn baby in their arms) there will be no where for her to turn when she ends up with morning sickness.

MS is so friggin miserable, and I know so many IFers would give anything for it, but that's one pregnancy symptom I wouldn't want this time around!! Yuck!

Congrats to you and I can't wait to see photos of your beautiful baby!

'Anonymous'...we've all had our days of hating others for their BFP's. *Hugs*

Anonymous said...

You are really, really sweet and kind. You are a huge inspiration. My first IVF cycle was cancelled today. Yesterday's egg retrieval yielded zero eggs. We have no clue if/when we'll do another IVF cycle, but I appreciate your perspective. Wishing you a very healthy and lovely baby!! - Sarah

Jay said...

Thank you so, so much for these comments! I'm DEEPLY touched - thank you. My twitter account is @the2weekwait.

Freedomshocked: CONGRATULATIONS!

Sarah: I am so, so sorry about your cycle being cancelled. I'm sending you my best & hoping your next attempt will yield happy results.

Kanis said...

Isn't the point of these infertility blogs to share in not only our lowest points and struggles but to celebrate our triumphs? We've all been where Anon has been. And hopefully, we'll all be where you are. Vomit, urine, and whatever else comes with pregnancy. Honestly, I laughed out loud when I read that you puked and peed at the same time. True comedy! Poor froggy. I look forward to reading your blog throughout your pregnancy and beyond. I'm sure you'll approach it with the same sense of humour as you have infertility.

If you get a chance, send some pregnancy vibes my way. I have my egg retrieval tomorrow and transfer on Wednesday. Fingers crossed.

TurtleMama said...

I enjoyed reading your post - I sincerely hope that the nausea/vomiting resolves. Not looking forward to that part of pregnancy. I'm so glad you have gotten to this point though and look forward to reading more about how your pregnancy progresses.

Chon said...

My new rule is only infertiles should be able to complain! That was very noble of you to support her and we should all show the same grace before and after IF

Julia Lynn said...

Excellent post! You and those who commented extended such grace to anonymous. I hope she's able to appreciate and embrace the love.

Nausea just hit me three days ago and, while I have yet to puke (thankfully), I can say that nothing (no amount of longing for pregnancy, not even 7.5 years of trying) could prepare me for what pregnancy nausea is like, and I have had merciless comments toward Fertiles complaining incessantly about their nausea. But I recognize the difference between wallowing in self pity while carrying on for sympathy and simply complaining for the purpose of expressing the truth and reality of circumstances in the moment.

I do wish Anonymous well and a successful pregnancy. I also, for her character's sake, wish her all the nausea you had and more :-)

As much as I wish a friend of mine would stop continually praying for me to have nausea so I'll have peace of mind about this pregnancy, I also am thankful I get to earn this "badge of courage" related to pregnancy that I thought I'd never know.

Hugs to you, Jay! So thankful for your friendship, thankful for your pregnancy, and thankful for your blog :-)

3 Bed, 2 Bath, 1 Baby said...

You know, I think everyone has that thing in the back of their head when they are infertile... the "why not me, god damn it!!??" The difference is, the point of blogging about infertility is that eventually (hopefully) you can blog about being pregnant.

Did I hate being nauseous in my first tri, yup. Do I hate how useless I feel after moving around for an hour or two and needing to put up my feet? Yup.

The difference, and I'm sure you feel the same, is that I don't curse those feelings. I am happy to live through them. However, it's never fun to throw up. ;)

(This sort of comment that was left for you is also a reason I put an IP tracker and didn't allow anon comments.)

Serendipity said...

You know I missed so much of my first pregnancy because I felt like I was betraying my infertile sisters if I complained and was so damn scared of anything happening to the baby that I couldn't celebrate the good and complain about the bad. An A&E doctor finally said to me (on my 4th visit for HG) that if I fought to have the chance of having a baby I damn well deserved to be able to complain when it was rough, so much more so than those usually vocal ladies who fell over on a penis and managed to get knocked up.

He was right, it took us 6 years to get there and I spent my pregnancy like a stepford wife, all smiles and saying everything was fine despite throwing up over 20 times a day for 9 months... when we finally fall with #2 I'm going to complain when it's bad, I earnt that right with every injection, pill and pessary, with every tear I shed after a failure.

Yes, you are incredibly lucky to get pregnant but that doesn't mean you have no right to complain about it if you're having a rough time - whoever said pregnancy was all about blooming and glowing was a damn liar - it's false advertising and it's ok to admit that you're feeling miserable.

Too often we see in infertility circles a pain game being played - like one persons journey is less important than another because they have endured less IMO we all need to have some compassion for others be they having their first failed cycle, pregnant, parenting, trying again, living child free or putting hope on the 10thIVF. I am sad that your anon commenter is so bitter that they can't see past their own pain to wish you well.

Jenn said...

So FERTILES get to be PG whenever they damn well please and complain as well but INFERTILES dont get to complain after X amount of years of pain and suffering? We must STILL suffer in silence? That is SO unfair. I say go for it.. complain about your headaches, vertigo, nausea, backaches and whatever else ails you. You deserve the right.

ICLW #90

IVF_Anon said...

Very well handled, Jay. 'Nuff said ;)

Pregnantish said...

I understand where the comment came from, and I think when you are feeling like that, there is no way of understanding or sympathising with someone you think has it better than you and is STILL complaining.

Having said that, surely you have suffered enough in conceiving your baby - you have certainly earned the right to complain about your pregnancy just like everyone else! What I found, after desperately wanting to be in that blissful state, is that pregnancy is a horrible, painful, terrifying place to be sometimes. It, like fertility testing and treatment, is a means to an end. Just because you don't always like the experience doesn't mean you're not grateful for being able to become pregnant.

Ellen Smith said...

It is inspiring to have come across your post..
I mean nice to know that people share same stories, must have been hard for you too, totally can feel that... but eventually things will turn out great..

Mommy ToBe (I hope) said...

Here from ICLW: Very well written post! Congrats on your pregnancy and hope you can find some M/S relief.

Courtney said...

I didn't read the other comments, but I have to say that being pregnant did not make me feel any less infertile. In fact, I felt haunted by it my entire pregnancy.

zygotta said...

I read once that when faced with a challenge, some of us come together to fight towards the goal, using each others' support

Others, they come together to fight and hate the rest of the world, seeing the world around them as enemies who have managed to get through their particular struggle.

I think that's sad, that some people are more inclined to follow the hate and bitterness path. I am sure that's not their conscious choice, but nevertheless... The single ones hate those in relationship - or the newlyweds; the divorced resent the happily married; the fired resent the recently promoted. And so on, and so on...

Instead of helping each other to fight through whatever life throws at us, some of us spend their energy hating those who lucked out.

And that's sad. I was very, very lucky to get pregnant on my second cycle at the fertility clinic. I didn't work as much as you to get pregnant - but I was ready to go any length to get there.

And just as there were lows and downs towards getting pregnant - there are lows and downs being pregnant. Why on earth can't you get the support you need during this time? Yes, you are pregnant, you're luckier than others, but there are still so many fears that you keep carrying on into your pregnancy, so many aches and pains. Pregnancy doesn't magically remove all of these fears. It still is a struggle.

All of us have the right to share our pains and fears - and expect understanding and support. Not a hate letter.

fertilelychallengedblacksheep said...

Lurker here...fantastic post. I totally agree with you on having feelings like the commentor's in the past, and you're 100% right, difference is I didn't contact the person and I also didn't call them a twat. That is a fun word. I understood at the time how raw my pain was and also that, unless they turned into a complete douche, it wasn't the poster's fault that she was pregnant and I was not. Furthermore, I spent a lot of time on the bench and sometimes I got jealous of people cycling (I know, nutter) but I didn't leave them a comment bitching because they were complaining about clomid mood swings and Lupron side effects.

Someone above mentioned how unfair it is that we're somehow expected not to complain and I totally agree. I believed that before and after I got pregnant, and wrote a whole damn post on it I never published (coward). Write what you want. The experience of infertility doesn't ever go away and that alone will prevent you from ever being a twat.

Anna said...

Telling pregnant women not to complain is comparable to when people with 5 children give women with fertility issues advice such as "it wasn't meant to be" or "it'll happen when it's supposed to." It's not helpful or kind to criticize others for their feelings and experiences, no matter how much you want them for yourself.

You have a right to share your feelings. Plus, it's YOUR blog. And it ROCKS!

Amy said...

I just found your blog through another, and this post hit home. My hubby and I finally got pregnant in May after 3.5 years of trying, including 10 months of infertility treatments, four IUIs and a failed IVF. We were expecting twins. In all those years of desperately wanting to get pregnant, it never occurred to me how absolutely horrible the first trimester (and third, I've been told) can be. I was pregnant with twins, and at 14 weeks was already the size of someone in their late 5th month, was waddling, had back pain, no appetite and was just getting to the point where the daily barfing was coming to a close. I'd lost 6 lbs and had only recently gained them back.

Then the bottom fell out: after two placental abruptions and 7.5 weeks of near-constant spotting, my Baby A's water broke. I was 14 weeks 2 days pregnant, and the only options we were given involved delivery. I was induced that night and delivered our perfect children, a daughter and a son (it had been too early to know sexes), the next morning. It's now been just over two weeks since and while our grief is getting a little easier day by day, I can't help but wonder if I'll whine so much during my next pregnancy (which will involve another superovulation IUI in about 2 months...I'm also 37 and have no time to lose), even if I'm f*cking miserable again. Infertility sucks, morning sickness sucks...but the immediate loss of all pregnancy symptoms within days of a too-early delivery, plus the grief that goes along with it, sucks worse.

Congrats on your pregnancy...I need to continue reading now. :) (I'm not anonymous, but Blogger is being a pill. I'm Amy, and I blog at http://ourtinyangels.blogspot.com and http://amysflock.blogspot.com)

B. Wilson said...

I'm apparently super fertile being knocked up 3 times in 6 months-- but you can guess where that's gotten me: childless. I'm a mom. To a full term baby boy with a cord accident (we think), to a miscarriage again at 7 weeks, and again now that I'm pregnant. I haven't announced it to my audience, baby loss moms, because I'm so scared. Pregnancy will never be the same to me. I need some more time to mentally deal with pregnancy after a loss (and a loss).

But I disagree with Chon just a little about infertiles (turned pregnant) should be the only ones allowed to complain. I have lost 2 children and one a full term baby boy. I'm hoping I've earned that right. Fertile, yes, but still in the same box as all of you-- desperately wanting to mother a live and healthy child. Only time will tell.

With that said, I feel very sorry for Anon who is obviously feeling grave pain. It's fierce and we all know that angst. But using such hateful words... eek. I know pain. I will forever live with the reality that I labored and birthed my firstborn who was dead on arrival.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope the puking and peeing yields a crying baby in the end. Oh how worth it!

nurslouisa said...

Great post, and I think you raise a good issue, once an infertile always an infertile even when one get pregnant. I have a 6 month old son after 6 rounds of IVF over 3 years. I am so incredibly grateful and I can't forget, I will keep trying to help, cheer on and advocate for infertiles I hope for many years to come.

mommyodyssey said...

You ooze awesome sauce.
That is all. :-)

Krissi said...

Wow! I have so been there...with the cycle after cycle, the sickness (X2) and the guilt. Although I've never been called a twat. LOL! And yet, I get her pain too. I think many struggling simply feel a jealous pang of some sort to every pregnant woman or mom they see and the truth of the matter is, they don't always know if that preggo or mom has been through years of IF (because let's be honest, it's not like we wear a badge) or if they just looked at their hubby and got knocked up. But I do get it. I'm like you, still feeling infertile (with literal blood, sweat and tears shed) even though I have my 3 miracles. And some people might say, "But you've had success, get over it!" And, they are the very same people who just don't get it. I'm so glad that all of us in this ALI community do however. That warms my heart. This was such a great post! You should take that paragraph out about the love you have for all your supporters in a new post (and add to it if you want) and link up to my Friday Friend Link up. Congratulations and welcome to the 2nd trimester! Happy ICLW! (#52)

Yummy Mummy said...

I applaud you for "complaining." After blogging about our infertility struggles I was too afraid of the anonymous haters to ever say anything negative about my pregnancy out of fear that they would always throw in my face how bad I wanted to be pregnant in the first place. So, basically I wasn't myself and was dishonest with my readers for nine months, because every day I just wanted to say how much it sucked!

As for the testing. I am 32 and after those tests went from 1 in 500 to 1 in 30. Scary stuff. We opted for the amnio (which some anon's of course commented on) and everything turned out just fine. My IVF baby is now a month old and is perfect in every way and at this point I can't even remember what it was like to be pregnant. Looking at him I feel a lot of guilt at even chancing his little life with the amnio, but at the time we had to do what we thought was right for our family. Waiting for second results is always a GREAT idea. Why intervene if it's unnecessary!

I wish you all the best and will continue to follow your journey.

amiracle4us said...

As an infertile, still fighting and holding onto (some) hope that one day I too will be pregnant, this comment upsets me. These blogs are supposed to be our outlet, our place to say anything. Is it not that person's choice whether to read or not? While I skim through pregnant blogs, I don't read them entirely if they are full of 'complaints' or if one is continually 'complaining', I stop reading. I don't chastise them! It is THERE place and the truth is, while we are sitting here fighting to have those symptoms, we will also 'complain' about having them when they come! Who really likes to wake 4 times in the night to pee? Not me. Who likes to feel nauseated and vomiting in the mornings or all day for that matter? Not me! And while I would LOVE to be pregnant, and I'd LOVE to blame any ill feelings I have on the joy of being pregnant, I don't WANT to vomit, pee, and be nauseated! It sucks!
I understand the anon comment, I do. But I choose not to read.

Brave IVF Girl said...

Love you. *hugs*

Josey said...

Well said! Your compassion is inspiring, and I'm glad you spoke up about the shitty side of pregnancy. I still find myself monitoring my posts a bit, but I try really hard to be honest about what I'm going through, because at the end of the day, this record is for me and my child, and I want it to be as honest and REAL as possible. Puking every day sucked balls, and that's the honest truth!

One perfect emby said...

I love your blog and post and dont ever think you have no right to complain...you have earned the right as an infertility sufferer.

As for putting miscarriage and infertility in same basket regarding B Wilsons comment they are similar as both suffer losses but dont think they should be put in same basket..I myself have suffered miscarriage after 18 months of trying then suffered another 2 years prior to getting my BFP...I dont disregard miscarriage as being traumatic at all..It is terrible but combine infertility and miscarriage together is a double whammy...sometimes people never get over their miscarriages (not medically related to female but just an abnorm thing) but to fall easily again by being fertile after miscarriage definately does help heal those wounds quicker then an infertile who has to continue to be remindeed of her loss that was not and the loss each month she has a period to tell her she has failed again in becoming pregnant..but at same time how can you compare someone elses grief to yours...

I know I had two relatives who both suffered unknown miscarriages within first 12 weeks over period I did and they all have had beautiful babies since then as they fell within 3 months of the loss and I had to endure another 2 years of pain due to my infertility to fall pregnant again...I dont think you can compare those

Anonymous said...

You have a very generous heart, Jay, from your friend Sushay.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

While I was pregnant I had many arguments with myself about the 'fairness' of complaing about my symptoms to my IF friends. The decision I came to was that I had to be true to myself, and that just because I got pregnant (after three years and two m/cs) didn't mean my IF journey was over. I was/am still an infertile woman, and that colours almost every aspect of my life. My IF experience has shaped the woman I am and the mother I have become. Facing the prospect now of starting down the road to our second baby is just as stressful and angst-riddled as the first go round.

Damita said...

Great post!

Maria said...

What a weird place to be in....TOTALLY understanding the twat-commentor's feelings and yet needing to vent about everything you're experiencing as a now pregnant woman. My response would be "ugh." Your response was eloquent and beautiful. A lovely combination of empathy and backing yourself up. So awesome. :)

ICLW #102

JustHeather said...

A very compassionate post in response to someone who definitely sounds like they were having a hard time.
I do agree with some of the others that it is hard to hear/read about others who are pregnant when I am still struggling to get pregnant, yet at the same time, it is encouraging to see that others have made it. It gives me hope that I still might have my turn.

Doogie said...

Very well said, and I was going to say what Jenn said, we've earned the right to complain about pregnancy if anyone has.

What bothers me most about the "right to complain" award is that there will always be someone suffering worse than you, so you will never have the right the complain? vomit/peeing? At least you're pregnant.
Infertile? At least you're not dying of cancer.
Dying of cancer? At least you're not drowning.
...always something

Nikki said...

Very well said!! I have to admit that I fear getting comments like that every time I feel even the least bit sick or uncomfortable (mostly, I fear my own head commenting like that - not actual people since not a lot of people read my blog).

It's hard to not feel guilty about those thoughts and feelings, especially when you do work so very hard to have a successful pregnancy - and you don't need anyone else making you feel guilty about it.

In any case, bravo for taking the high road and well said.

ICLW #76

Lucky Z said...

I had an Aunt with Down Syndrome who recently died in May. She was truly an Angel on Earth and my life was blessed to have her in my life. I miss her everyday.

I think it would be hard for a lot of people who have never come in contact with a person with Downs to have a child with Down Syndrome. My life was incredibly blessed to have my Aunt in it.

I'm praying for you to have a perfect/healthy baby... but if he/she does have Downs just know, you gave birth to an Angel.

SLESE1014 said...

As an IFer who is currently pregnant, I feel your dilemma. My greatest hope is "anonymous" ends up pg sooner rather than later and is worshiping the porcelain god thinking about her words.

While in treatment for my IVF, my acupuncturist told me a story about a client who literally went through hell to get pregnant. Once she finally achieved pregnancy, all she did was complain about how hard it was and if she had known it would be this hard she wouldn't have bothered. I believe that woman could be classified as a "mindless twat." I was angry with her for not being grateful.

Now that I have suffered some symptoms, I find myself almost reveling in them. I don't know if I've been a complainer or not. I'm sure part of me has. I know my fears of losing this pregnancy prevented me from doing any of the invasive tests like amnio and CVS. And I know I have complained about my fears and concerns.

I believe you have handled this with grace and dignity, and some serious humor, for which I am always grateful! Being pregnant after struggling with IF is the biggest limbo land ever. I think you have found a way to bridge the 2 worlds....thanks for sharing!

shutterbugwife said...

You totally rock and I love you. It is clear that you are already one kick ass mother. :)

Miracle Beans said...

This post has said it perfectly: though you are pregnant, you have worked your ASS off for it. Unfortunately, a BFP doesn't take away the demons in your head. Aside from your physical symptoms of the vom I'm sure your mind is always in overdrive.
I am not pregnant though I sure am trying. I do know that one day when and if I do get pregnant, the 9 months will be exhausting b/c I'll always be waiting to 'pass' the next test. You are doing this beautifully by sharing your thoughts with others. The poster obviously just had a really bad day, and is having a bitter me me me moment which is fine too. But while she vents, don't for a minute forget how fantastic you are and what a kick ass mom you are going to be!

Chrissie said...

I am so sorry that someone commented in such an angry way, without the opportunity for you to respond directly. I can hear the pain in her words. I totally understand how she feels, Facebook because a very painful space for me after each of my miscarriages. Preggo friends sharing symptoms when I just prayed for the chance to be feeling so sick because I was growing a baby. But you know this. I love your comparison (I loved that season of the real world, and remember him saying those words too) You are straddling the great obis, living as an infertile woman as a pregnant women's body. But as with anything, time can bring us perspective. I can be happy for others without jealous, but there will always be a hint of sadness. Bless your journey!

Shannon said...

I've always thought that it's the infertiles of the world who are most justified in complaining about pregnancy symptoms. You work SO HARD just to get pregnant, it really is unfair that you should then have bad pregnancy symptoms once you finally get there.

K said...

What a beautiful post. I applaud you, your graciousness, many people who achieve pregnancy after infertility forget how hard the journey was to get their and the emotions they had when those around them got to move on. Congratulations on your pregnancy, your baby is lucky to have such a wonderful, caring mum as you.

Hannah B said...

I've been reading your blog for a while but I have never commented before...for which I apologize. I think it's nice manners to let a blogger know you are reading their material. However, I had to comment on this post to let you know that you are a class-act. What a kind and understanding response to something so rude. I understand that anonymous has been through a lot of pain dealing with infertility but so have you. "Complaining" (although, I wouldn't call your last post complaining) about the side effects of pregnancy isn't being ungrateful. It's simply stating the obvious situation and giving your reactions to it. I just had to say your reaction to anonymous was classy.

My husband and I are currently struggling with infertility having been through a crap-load of testing, clomid and iui's. We're pretty much to the point of IVF. We're keeping our fingers crossed and praying this is it.

Congratulations on getting pregnant! Wishing you the best!

Amanda said...

First off: Kudos to how this was handled. I'm not sure I would have handled being called a twat quite as elegantly. You're one of a kind.

Second: You fought tooth and nail to be pregnant. In my opinion it's those that do that deserve the most freedom to bitch and moan about every single nuance of being pregnant. You've paid a shit-ton of money to have that privilege. And just as I say on my blog, "if you don't like what you read, you are welcome to click that cute little "x" on the top right of the page".

xoxox

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Fucking awesome post, Jay. Bravo.

Natalie said...

Being pregnant after being infertile is a whole other game. The guilt for feeling horrible, and the worry about every symptom. I have been where you are twice now. 3 years of IF and 2 miscarriages and then the pregnancy of my DD. I still feel so grateful for her everyday, it will just hit me sometimes when she smiles or tells me she loves me or any number of things and I really think that maybe I appreciate her more than someone who got knocked-up easily could. But that doesn't mean I'm not also a normal mom. When she drives me crazy, or I just want a break from the chaos. It isn't fair that an infertile is supposed to always be grateful and never complain. That isn't real life.
Now that I am pregnant again with #2 (after three more years of IF and 2 more miscarriages). I am so grateful again and also at 34 weeks, I feel huge and uncomfortable and worry about adding another child. Should IF'ers hate me because sometimes I'm not pleased as punch? Or maybe I should be allowed to feel all the emotions of pregnancy becuase I worked so hard for it?

On a second note, to reassure you a bit about your NT numbers, I got a similar result with my NT screen. And I was so worried about the amnio after working so hard to get pregnant. I cried about it many times. When my numbers got even worse after the second scan and blood work we finally decided to go ahead with the amnio. I put myself on bed-rest for 2 days after and everything turned out fine. She is healthy and due in 6 weeks! I wish you calm in your decision. What ever you decide will be the right decision for you.

Olivia said...

I just started reading your blog today due to ICLW. I really enjoyed this post! I am infertile, no successes yet and I have often wondered and struggled what it will be like to be pregnant as an infertile. I know I'll want to enjoy the pregnancy, but will be terrified as you said about losing what was so very difficult to get. I think you're right, when someone is hurting so badly, sometimes it feels good to anonymously jab someone for something they said or did to hurt you. I am glad you decided to respond with kindness and of course humor. Very funny and true! I'll be following your blog now:)

bean dreams said...

Visiting from ICLW and catching up on your story. I am so sorry that you had those terrible words directed towards you. Bravo for staying mature about it and responding with kindness. As those going through infertility, we all know how it feels to hear baby news. But, I believe we all also want to experience the joys and pure happiness of being pregnant. I am often saddened by the fact that the ability to just have a child easily and naturally is taken from so many. But it is just as sad when people try to take away the happiness you have arrived at after being through so much. Hoping you enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. Good luck every step of the way!

Natalie said...

I felt the same way about complaining once I got pregnant and I in no way put in as much "work" as you did to get pregnant. 15 months/4 periods/charting/acupuncture pales in comparison to 3 rounds of IVF and I am assuming lots of stuff before that. But when I started getting nauseous the first thing I thought was 'this was the worst idea I have ever had!'. I couldn't help it. I hated feeling sick ALL DAY EVERY DAY! Bleh. But when you're through it (fingers crossed that is soon) you can return to being extremely happy and grateful to be pregnant. Very gracious response by the way

Gigi said...

Classy post, I'll never understand how people can choose to be so nasty online. I hope that whatever that commenter is going through she's able to work through the negativity because at TTC-times like these that kind of energy could be put to healthier, more compassionate use.

Clara said...

I love your blog, I love this post, and I love your definition of 'pregnant infertile'... kind of similar to my definition of myself as a "married single woman"... i.e. although I am happily married, I have been single for a long time and I still understand what it is like - which does not mean that I don't complain about the annoyances of married life at times!

Hopefully I will also be at some point a "married single pregnant infertile" woman.
This is my first IVF cycle, ET on Saturday...

I can understand the feelings that led your anonymous reader to write those comments, but not the fact of ACTUALLY writing it.

Keep it up!

Jenn said...

This will probably get buried in with the other comments, and that's okay. Or maybe it'll sound wierd, and that's okay too.

But, I am sitting/laying on the couch with three of my cats, checking your blog yet AGAIN to make sure that you, the previously infertile, are indeed pregnant. I'm infertile. I want to be pregnant. I get one last chance. My ovaries are shrinking with every operation, the endometriosis is taking over my body to such an extent that they want to fill me up with Gortex. And I want to be in your shoes. Well, not your SHOES. I don't like shoes. But I want to be like you - to have a baby, or two. I want it so badly.

And I'm quite sure that like you, if it works, after a few weeks of puking, I will probably whine about it.

And I'll tell myself it's OKAY to whine a little, because you did. I'll hold you out as my excuse/standard.

Told you this was gonna come out wierd.

But I'm in a wierd mood, complicated by wierd hormones and the ever-closer surgery number 10 in four years. And I thought maybe you should know what I was thinking. Just because.

Sarah said...

I found your blog when I was on bed rest after my first IVF transfer. I was successful so I've continued reading your blog hoping you would be successful too. (Congratulations by the way.)

I only have one other close friend (who I know about) who was dealing with infertility. It was hard to be excited about getting pregnant because she had been struggling a year longer than I was, we went through a cycle of IVF at the same time and I ended up pregnant and she didn't (she actually is pregnant right now though). Because she was still struggling, until this last successful transfer, I felt like I couldn't post anything on facebook like "normal" pregnant women. No belly shots, no updates, nothing. I didn't want to "rub it in her face" that it worked for me and not for her. I started my own private blog just for me so I could be excited without hurting her feelings. Yes, there have been times I've complained on there, but at the end I always remember that I wouldn't have changed it for anything.

I think that's the problem with being a "pregnant infertile". You are so grateful to be pregnant, but some parts of pregnancy still suck. You want to be "normal" and complain, but you also know just how hard it was to get pregnant and would totally go through everything because you know it means you are pregnant. It's even harder though because you probably complained to people while you were going through IVF and everything and now if you complain about anything, those same people are like "well you got what you asked for".

Enjoy your pregnancy. You aren't trying to make anyone feel bad. Once they are successful also (whether it be through IVF, surrogacy, adoption, whatever) , they will understand the difficulty of switching from "infertile" to "pregnant (or parent)".

eggsinarow said...

Hi from ICLW. I'm so grossed out by anonymous. Here's why: your gain is not her loss. Yes, infertility is hell. But does your being pregnant take away from her being able to get pregnant? No. Furthermore, does YOUR being pregnant take away from YOUR infertile experiences? Absolutely not...you said it yourself, you still have infertile thought processes even though you are preggers! I feel like there is enough negativity in our lives, why make more? I for one can't wait to be on the other side. :) Congrats and good luck!

Alex said...

Fantastic post! I also claim the title of pregnant infertile. And I will hopefully soon claim the title of infertile mom. Because my infertility is so much a part of me, that I don't think it could ever go away. I will never forget the pain and agony that it took to get this little baby. I have told all kinds of people - people I never thought I would - about my IVF and IUI experiences. But for some reason it's so much easier now that I have a baby in the oven...

Great post though - we have all been in Anonymous' place, but I would never say it. I'd think it behind your back though... :)

Calmantha said...

That was such a healthy, wonderful response. I wish I was that mature as to be able to send love to my hecklers. Bravo! :-)

Sarah said...

Ugh, Why is it that a non-infertile can complain all they want, but we have to keep quiet!! It sucks!!

I struggled through a good chunk of my pregnancy because people were telling me how I should feel because it was an IVF Pregnancy.

Congrats and Happy ICLW

Anonymous said...

As another infertile who recently (four days ago!) had another damn BFN after two and a half years of trying and two failed IVFs, hyperstimulation, you name it..... I think you're a fabulous twat! Good on you that your dream was finally realised. I can't say I am not envious, but all the best and I hope you have a joyous, easy pregnancy! I am rooting for you, even though my world just fell apart!

~Jess said...

Here via ICLW.

I don't ever understand why people feel the need to comment nastily on blogs. I can understand people hurting from reading people's "complaints", but why try to make them feel bad about it.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes by smoothly and you end up not having any more concerns about your baby's health.

Jess
Life in the White House

MoonNStarMommy said...

I felt that same guilt about complaining about pregnancy symptoms...... nausea, being so freaking huge you couldn't move.... I kept thinking, this is what I wanted ... this is what I asked for over and over ...

I loved this post! I think you handed that comment VERY VERY well!!

I loved Pedro btw .... I was really sad when he died :(

Anyway - what I want to say - it's alright to complain about the symptoms because you are allowed to your feelings in whatever moment you are in.

Happy ICLW from #86 <3

Kristin said...

You are amazing and have such a kind heart.

ICLW #19

barrenlazza said...

Hi there, I have just found your blog and have really enjoyed reading your recent posts including this one.

I can sincerely relate to you in so many ways; I am also pregnant - almost 16 weeks - but never expected to be. If it wasn't for my wonderful sister's egg donation, we wouldn't be pregnant at all, so we are relishing every moment of it.

I also qualify when I tell people I'm pregnant, that it has been a long hard road. I just don't want them to think it has arrived in our lap. I guess I want them to be able to see our invisible (to them) stripes which I think we have earned through five plus years of trying to conceive.

We also had to decide whether to have an amnio or not as our odds for having a downs baby came in pretty high too. But the risk of having a miscarriage with an amnio outweighed that. Plus what if the test came back that we do have a downs baby? We certainly wouldn't abort it, and would still love it and nurture it and bring it up like any other child, to live a hopefully fulfilling and happy life.

I hope you continue to enjoy your pregnancy - also I wanted to commend you on the grace you have shown the anonymous poster who called you a twat - I guess that just shows you really do know what it's like to be on the other side of infertility ie: the side which hasn't conceived yet.

TeeJay said...

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope everything is still going good.

Lauri said...

Your blog is helping me cope with unexplained infertility. We've been trying for two years without a single hint that we are able to conceive. Clomid and Femara haven't been helpful and we are probably going to try IUI in October. I'm completely pessimistic about it, but my husband thinks we need to cross it off of the list. Anyway, when I get pregnant, I'm going to be jumping up and down screaming. And then I'm going to cry tears of joy. Infertility is terrible, and even though when other "infertiles" get pregnant I feel jealous and angry, I think they have a right to celebrate because I want to, too. I hope everything goes smoothly with your pregnancy! That commenter was a bit out of line.

Aiza said...

Hi I came across your blog and I must tell you I loved this entry. I'm a fellow infertile (God don't you just hate that word?) and I'm going through my first (and hopefully last) round of IVF this month. First of all congratulations on your pregnancy!!! As a fellow infertile I can appreciate your elation on getting pregnant after years of trying and when you wrote about morning sickness, for me that is something almost every pregnant woman goes through. I don't think that you were actually complaining about it, just merely sharing your experience and it should not be taken in a negative way.

However, I do also understand the "twat" (it's a pretty neat word isn't it?) comment and the frustration one gets when your hard work at trying to conceive fails time and again. Jealousy and infertility seem to go hand in hand in most people.

Having said that I do applaud the way you addressed this. I don't know you personally but from the way you handled this I think you are awesome. Congratulations again and good luck on your pregnancy :)

Anonymous said...

Even though I"m now reading your blog entries several years after you wrote them, I'm so grateful that you didn't turn into a smug, sanctimonious monster after you got pregnant. I know so many naturally-pregnant people use their pregnancy status to take advantage of their non-pregnant coworkers. These people actually think that they're better people now that they're pregnant.

As an infertile who's finally 8-weeks pregnant after 3 IVFs, I don't think I"m a better person now just because it worked. In fact, I know that I'm the same person, just pregnant now.

Thanks for your blog, and for not getting smug. I know that you eventually had a live birth, but your past posts are very helpful.

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