PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Calling All Infertiles: I Want to Hear From You

This morning, I received the following comment from “Neena” (I didn't correct any of the typos... I'm literally cutting and pasting exactly what was written, how it was written):

You should change your blog name from the Two Week Wait - because it is misleading. You are not in that place, and you stop pretending to be "one os us". As one of your comments said "Welcome to Mommy World" - you and all like you should be honest and say "Thank the fuck I am out of that Infertile World" - you have now joined "The Club", that the rest of us are still excluded from. Enjoy it and leave the rest of us to our grief for goodness sake. Oh and by the way, 3 IVFs and you are pregnant - GIVE ME A BREAK! Try 5 IVFs, numerous operations and surgical investigations and a dead baby "born" at 20 weeks and THEN tell me your "boo-hoo-but-yeah for-me" story. Vy the way you adopted and find for your treatments - I assume that you will have the decency not to have a fund for your new baby? I totally sympathise with the person who sent you the "horrid" comment - s/he is hurting like the rest of us and frankly when we first came to read your blog it rang "true" - now it is just bogus, and supercilious, because frankly, you should now be blogging as you truthfully are - thankful to be pregnant and away from the hell of infertility. You may think that you still have the right to write about infertility - I personally think you should keep your patronising "I'm going to be a Mommy" drivel to yourself - but heh, what Mommy-to-be EVER keeps her patronising drivel to herself these days. I am totally surprised that you did not post up your sonogram - that would have been more honest. Oh, and as for you writing to your relative - SHAME ON YOU. You had no right to appease yourself at her expense - you can NEVER understand what she has been through unless you have been there too (and I have, and even I would think thrice about writing to her!)and luckily for you, you have not .....YET.

First and foremost, Neena – I’m very sorry to hear of your loss at 20 weeks. No one should have to go through that and I wouldn’t pretend for one second to know what that is like. More than anything, you have my deepest and sincerest condolences.

As for my response, I could attempt to address each of your accusations, criticisms and frankly, some of your seemingly hate filled statements but would it change your mind? Probably not. I can only say this: It’s clear from your comment that you’re hurting and angry. And frankly, after five in vitro’s and a loss at 20 weeks, no one would ever blame you. However, the thing that’s also very clear from your comment is you absolutely don’t know me, who I am, what I stand for or what I care about in the slightest. If you did, you would know how truly off base and incorrect what you wrote about me is.

That being said, I do appreciate you sharing this very strong opinion. I have no doubt that others who have read my blog may feel exactly as you do. This is why I wanted to dedicate today’s post to your comment. I hope you will check back, read what others say and then, I'd strongly recommend you stop reading my blog. You seem like you'd be much happier if you simply don't read what I write and went on on to read some one else's blog you can better relate to.

So, let’s talk about it, shall we? Readers, commentors, infertiles, pregnant infertiles, new mom’s and anyone else who stops by and reads my blog, what do you think? I want to hand this over to you. If you also have "only" had three in vitros, did you not really suffer? If you get pregnant after dealing with infertility, should you never speak of it again and pretend you no longer care about people still going through it as Neena suggests? Is Infertility a “whose pain is worse?” contest? And most important and most seriously, even though I’ve asked this before, I’ll ask it again, should I retire this blog and just start a new one? Thoughts? Feelings? Suggestions?

And don't worry regular readers -- no matter what the future holds for this blog, I promise at least one more post that will be fun, funny, possibly include the word 'penis' and will return to my regularly scheduled life. I just thought this was worthy to open up for discussion, debate and comments.

As always, sending you all back love, light and humor…

142 comments:

Jill said...

I remembering feeling that hate. Knowing what it's like to not be pregnant for years, doesn't go away. I'm a new mom but I haven't forgotten the pain, hurt and heartache that I felt with every cycle that failed.

I have been in this person's shoes (in some fashion) and while I've seen people go in and out of fertility issues... I would never have the guts to say something like this to someone that I don't know.

I'm sorry for her, but don't hate on those that have made the cross over. It's a huge accomplishment for us and we should have your support that we have done the impossible.

Good post.

medicalwife said...

I don't think any part of infertility should be a "who has it worse" contest. I think the people who make it one are the same effing people who like to one up others in regular every day conversation. I think you've been through a hell of a lot just to BE pregnant, and you've earned every right and responsibility that comes WITH being pregnant- be it complaining about symptoms or gushing with joy. Not only have you earned the right to those things, you have never lost the right to speak about infertility. You lived that life. For a long time. You've lived it far longer than I certainly have, but even if you hadn't, I don't think becoming pregnant automatically opts you out of having an opinion or feelings about infertility. From what I've seen and read, you've done nothing but offer support, encouragement, and love to those of us still doing our best to end up where you are. And you give me hope. Hope that there is an effing positive at the end of this tunnel. I have never, and will never, feel bitter towards anyone who has suffered through any part of infertility, whether it lasted months or years, and ends up pregnant. You people are my hope. This woman is clearly sad and frustrated and likely bitter, and doesn't know how to cope. I don't think you should shut this blog down and start a new one, unless of course, it would make you feel more comfortable and less attacked. I would absolutely follow your story anywhere.

Dead Cow Girl said...

I'm sorry, but infertility is not the Military. There is no hierarchy. Yo do not get a badge for each failed attempt. You do NOT get kicked outta the club for failing to fail, IE, not keeping in line with the other infertiles.

The only way it IS like the Military, is once a member, always a member. Because you know what? You get the benefits for life. Wanna try for number two? Great. Remember how much fun conceiving number one was?

I don't think you need to start a blog. You offer hope to all of those (sane) readers who are trying, trying and trying again. I love to be able to see what happens in the end.

To the commenter Neena, we are all sorry for what you have gone though, but try to find hope and support in this community, because trust me, going through this on your own, in the pre-internet days, was rough. Not just a little rough, but really, seriously, pooping in the woods roughing it.

Terri said...

Please continue. I have not been through any of the trials you have. I don't think infertility should be considered a whose pain is worse contest... because it painful no matter what... If you have a problem with someones blog DON'T FREAKING READ IT!!! Really- to be so hateful is just horrible and\ Really I would not take the time to make such a hateful comment...
Jay- please continue writing- <3

Kirsteen said...

I am currently in my own 2WW (today is 14dpiui - POAS tonight !!!) and your blog gives me hope that one day this crap will all be over. Does the fact this is "only" my 3rd IUI and I havent yet had to progress to IVF make my issues any less valid than someone elses IF issues? No is my answer. We all have our issues and we should bond together over those issues and support people while they are going through this. IF is not something that anyone who has not suffered from IF can understand.

No matter how or why you have suffered from IF you have 'suffered' in my opinion.

Hurt is one thing over the loss of a child (and that must be awful) but nasty and vidictiveness (?sp) is something else and in my opinion there is no need for it.

Keep going and just delete all the mean/nasty posts these are people who do not have what they want and are just jealous.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I'll be right here reading along!

3 Bed, 2 Bath, 1 Baby said...

Wow. Isn't the point of having a blog about infertility to support each other until we finally get to our ultimate goal, getting pregnant?

I'm sorry people have been such jerks to you. It boggles my mind what people say under the cloak of internet mystery person status.

Hang in there, it's hard not to take it personally, but you are doing a great thing, and it's SO awesome that you are going to bring a little life into the world after such a struggle.

Jenna said...

Once you are diagnosed with infertility that is a permanent thing. No matter the circumstances. No matter if you conquer it or not. I am happy for Jay and that she was able to finally get pregnant. Isn't that the goal of us infertiles anyways? To prove that we can and will become Mom's? If not, then why do we search for comfort and keep trying our hands and hearts at IUIs and IVFs and 2WWs and POAS?! Because we all have hope that we can beat the living shit out of infertility.

I am like you Jay. We both got pregnant around the same time. You beat infertility on your 3rd IVF and I beat it on my 2nd IUI. Does that make us different, yes and no. But the ending is still the same. We won. Infertility lost.

And even though I am currently pregnant, I still consider myself an infertile because it took me 2 years to get pregnant. And I am scared to death of what is going to happen when we try for another baby later on down the road. Because I am infertile.

So, I am sorry that you are hurting Neena. And I am sorry for your loss and your transgressions. But being pissed off at someone that beat infertility is not going to help you get pregnant any faster. We are a community of women who share the same troubles, pains, and heartache. If you don't want to read about Jay's story, then don't read it. Plain and simple.

Katie said...

THIS IS NOT A CONTEST. Infertility should not be about who suffers worse, who has been through IVF more times, who has more losses. Frankly, I think she's a little sick in the head for even trying to make it some sort of competition. Once you are infertile, you are always infertile - and that's the only "club" I see here.

Anonymous said...

This is just plain ridiculous. While I feel terrible for what she's been through, taking it out on someone who has been blessed to have the life that she hopes to have someday automatically makes her much less easy to sympathize with.

People who go through infertility - which is just the inability to get pregnant naturally, not who has the most IVFs - is hard enough no matter how much you have to fight to have children. It comes with a mess of emotions and lots of pressures and inappropriate comments from friends and family. There is no room in the infertile world for comparisons and invalidating each other's experiences.

How would she feel if someone who had 6 or 7 IVFs said the same thing to her? Everything is relative. We all go through our own experiences, our own emotions and it is completely inappropriate to put down someone else just becuase you think you've had it "worse".

What she has been through is horrible and I wish she never had to go through it. But honestly, what you've been through is pretty terrible too. And the thousands of other infertile couples also struggle every day. Everyone's qualitative and quantitative struggles are different. But none makes you more "deserve" the title of infertile.

And lastly, reading blogs like yours makes me hopeful becuase you are being honest. The truth is after you get pregnant, you are still an infertile. Those emotions, experiences and struggles don't just get erased. They've sculpted you into the pregnant woman that you are. It's much better for me - someone just starting on this journey - to know the truth. Yes pregnancy is fantastic and I've never read in your blogs that you're not grateful, but it is a gratefulness that comes on top of a layer of complex emotions. And that's the fact.

I wouldn't change your blog for anyone. If anything, you did the right thing by encouraging her to find another blog. I wish people would be more compassionate towards each other instead of tearing them down just to make themselves feel better. It's just sad.

broedkipje said...

I'm quite new at this game, only TTC since 14 months, but wat I really appreciate is the support there is from women who are in a (somewhat) similar position. That's really valuable. We all know how hard it can be to hear about others getting pregnant. But it happens. And everybody should be able to be happy about it and blog about it. Especially if it didn't come easy. And I think it's good that after getting pregnant, what it took is not erased. There is too much silence about this anyway. For me, it is an inspiration. It CAN happen. Easy for me to say, cause I haven't had to deal with the immense pain that the poster has to deal with (yet?), but we should at least not make this into a pain contest. There could be so much more behind a story than you read in a blog.

Courtney said...

I hate the "one up" contest and the anger towards those who have success. Also, who gets to say at what point you stop feeling infertile? Pregnancy isn't the end goal; having a take-home baby is.

I changed my blog name after my son was born, but because I wanted to - not because I thought it was misleading. No, I don't think you should retire your blog. It's YOUR blog. If someone doesn't want to read it then they don't have to. You can't be sensitive to everyone. If a blog was too much for me to handle, I stopped following it. Simple as that.

KT said...

So because I have only been through a year and a half of infertility, no IUIs (yet), no IVFs, an upcoming fibroid surgery and my husband's poor sperm analysis I have not suffered infertility? If you haven't gotten pregnant after a year of unprotected sex, you are infertile. Period. It is not a contest as to who has it worse. Instead of saying that "I had it worse than you", the commenter should be congratulating the person for being what we all hope to be someday- pregnant.

If the commenter doesn't want to read blogs about people that have had issues and thankfully have been able to get pregnant, then stop reading. Just because TTWW is now pregnant doesn't mean that her blog is no longer "true." Why shouldn't she be happy that she is pregnant? Just because she is pregnant now doesn't mean that she won't face infertility with a second child.

Absolutely do not start a new blog.

missohkay said...

Wow, Jay, I'm suddenly feeling quite stabby on your behalf. Neena, it's not a contest. You've been through a lot, but people out there have even sadder stories than you do... does that make your pain any less real? Does that mean you're not allowed to blog about your experiences? No. Furthermore, it doesn't make you an authority on how Jay should handle speaking to her relative. I, for one, appreciated when relatives acknowledged my losses and was upset when they pretended that nothing had happened. Jay knows her relative - you do not - and she approached the situation carefully and thoughtfully. You spew venomous hate and end your rant with a threat, rubbing your hands gleefully with the idea that something bad might happen to Jay? No one deserves that. You're an internet bully hiding in a cowardly web of anonymity, getting off on hate and I for one won't feed it. I hope you have a lovely baby who lights up your life. It won't erase your pain but I hope it erases your venom. Now go.

Secret Sloper said...

If everyone who comes out on the other side of infertility with a child (through treatments, adoption, fostering, or just miraculous luck) refuses to speak of the experience ever again because they've been "cured" how will we ever advocate for better insurance coverage and understanding of this disease?

I understand her rage and anger. I felt it, too. I felt it directed toward friends and family. I felt it directed toward other bloggers. But I NEVER took it out on those people because I always realized that the hurt and anger were in me because of my situation, not externally imposed by them. I'd release my frustrations on my own blog or in therapy or in bitch sessions with IF friends. I'd take a break from reading pregnant bloggers. I'd take a break from blogging period.

I know I didn't have the journey this woman had, and my heart aches for her. But I won't apologize for my experiences either. They were hard and real and too minimize them for not being awful enough is as bad as saying "Just relax"-- it negates someone's hurt.

I want you to keep blogging because you're funny and honest and I love your perspective. If I didn't have a baby now maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable reading your blog anymore, but that would be a choice I'd have to make at that point (and did in the past with other bloggers).

Emms said...

I struggled with Primary IF and now Secondary IF as we try for number 2. I know at times I had to walk away from those IF'ers that got their BFP's, but honestly, I could be happy (albeit a little jealous) for them, why? Because they dealt with it too. I do not feel as though the person that got pregnant after 1 IUI, or 1 round of clomid isn't allowed to feel the same as I am, even though I may have went through 'more'. I do not understand how it feels to lose a baby at 6 weeks, or 12 weeks, or 20 weeks. I do, however, know how it feels to go through 4 years (yep, 48 cycles) of BFN's, multiple interventions, cancelled IVF cycles, and one failed IVF cycle. Maybe I didn't go through as much as Neena, and yes, I got my take home baby, but that doesn't mean I'm no longer infertile. I still am. It has made me the person I am, it is the reason for my skeletons, the reason for an almost failed marriage, the reason I came to my faith. It has broken me, just like it has every other infertile, no matter the time they have been trying, the interventions they went through, and ultimately the outcome.

IF shouldn't be a game of who dealt with more, whose pain is more 'important.' Other infertiles are the only support we have, why would we cut them down for getting what we all are trying for? For getting what we all deserve?

If someone drops in your blog and finds that you are pregnant, and they are in the trenches and it doesn't give them hope, then they should just stop reading. Just because you got your BFP does not mean that you do not still struggle. I was scared EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. during my pregnancy. I was scared I would lose her upon delivery. I was then scared I would lose her to SIDS. My daughter is 15 months old now, and everyday I still fear that this miracle that I fought so hard for will be taken away.

Please do not change. Your blog, who you are, what you write about, being HONEST. It is you, it is what you dealt with, where you came from, and where you have gotten. It does not end here.
And just because we struggled with IF does not mean that pregnancy and motherhood will be all rainbows and butterflies. It's just as hard for us as it is for a Fertile, and we deserve to be able to vent about it when times get tough. For all we went through to get there, we shouldn't feel guilty for that, and others should not persecute us for it either.

Mindy said...

I gotta ask, where do you find these people?!?! ;-) I mean seriously, I don't understand why there is so much hate towards someone who has been able to get out of the IF trenches. Like others have said, it's not about who's been trying longer, who's suffered more loss, etc. I just don't understand why people can't support each other, regardless of where they are in their journeys. I'm so sorry you have received so much hatred lately, but please keep blogging! It's fun to read, and just because you're pregnant, doesn't mean the pain and damage IF has caused automatically goes away. Sincerely, A Fellow IF'er who is 'out of the trenches'

Lulu said...

One of my favorite blogs - a little pregnant by Julie - I found when I was first diagnosed. Julie had had two children by then, and I was reading her posts from when I was in high school. I was thankful they were out there in internet-land for me to find when I needed, and then I stopped reading when it turned into a mommy blog.

No one makes you read anything on the internet. If you find something isn't for you, stop reading. It's simple.

I'll be honest, I've been skimming a lot here. You're ahead of me in your pregnancy and I don't have a lot to relate with right now. I have gone back and re-read your posts from when you were at the same place as me though. That's been helpful.

A blog is a nebulous being. Things change. You got pregnant.

I hope she felt better once she said all that, but usually hatred just feels more hatred.

Miracle Beans said...

i'll say this to get it off my chest before I write something more meaningful:
Neena: If you don't like this blog, DON'T READ IT!
As everyone else has voiced infertility is not a contest. It also is not an excuse to be mean to someone. We are all here for each other. To help them work through their struggles in whatever form they may need.
Jay. Thank you for sharing your success story. It gives me hope every single day.

foxinthehenhouse said...

Wow. This is not a contest. I won't address the commenter. All I can do is post my own feelings about Jay.

Am I jealous that you are pregnant and I'm currently going through my 2nd ectopic? AbsoFuckingLutely.

Are you jealous that I got got pregnant with my 1st IVF (even though it ended badly)? I would imagine you are. I had a coworker who got a baby boy on her 4th IVF. She told me straight out she was jealous of me even though her kid was 3 at the time.

Infertility doesn't go away. The pain doesn't go away.

Jay is a wonderful, thoughtful and FUNNY person. What would we all do without this blog to make us laugh? Perhaps she should consider changing the name. But she went through enough two week waits to OWN that title so if she wants to keep it that's fine by me.

Anonymous said...

I agree with many of the comments of this post. Don't let the Ms. Cranky Pants of the world control your blog. I love reading your blog! You take a hard situation and make it (almost) funny. Plus, at least for me anyway, as an IF, it's a lot easier to read blogs where fellow IFers detail their pregnancy than fertile myrtles detail theirs, because at least IFers know what we go through.

Brooke said...

Feeling bitter is not a choice. Acting on it totally is.

I'm sorry you were the victim of her sadness and anger. It sucks that she has far more than her fair share of tragedy and unfairness in her life, but it's not your fault.

Apart from the pathos, I think she raises an interesting question, and one I hope you continue to address: After you've struggled with IF and gotten pregnant (and assuming you are lucky enough to bring home a healthy baby), are you "cured"? Is everything all better now? Do you really feel like you're out of the club and you fit in with all the women who get knocked up with minimal effort? I mean, if the definition of infertility is that you can't get pregnant, where does that put you once pregnancy has been achieved? It seems like you're kind of in an in between space, which is obviously preferable to not being pregnant, but surely it doesn't mean that all the grief and heartache and disappointment that came before just suddenly goes away. Or does it?

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

Whatever you do, don't stop writing! You can see from all the comments above how much you mean to so many! I agree with Jenna & MedicalWife...IF affects all of us in different ways (guys too of course) and we live with it forever. We were unable to have a second child after our first IVF success, no matter how hard we tried. That always sticks around in your gut. Regardless of our one success and precisely because we could not have any more...we were/are more sensitive to the infertility struggles others are going through. You fit the bill perfectly and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Do keep inspiring others to keep hoping as you did, through your two week wait...

wottadoll said...

I'm sorry, but I find comments like this totally uncalled for and unacceptable. What we're dealing with here is a mental health issue, plain and simple. Women who have had years of horrible experiences like Neena's are suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and are simply lashing out because they don't know what else to do to ease their pain. They have every right to their pain - but this is not the appropriate way to handle it. So don't take it personally, and don't for one minute think you need to listen to her rantings and change anything you're doing. This woman needs serious help, as do many women who have slowly been driven crazy by years of infertility/loss/whatever it is. When I started my "trying to get pregnant" journey at 38 and had no idea how it would go, I PROMISED myself that no matter what I would not let it drive me crazy or suck all the joy out of my life, that my mental health and sense of well-being was more important than anything (yes, even having a baby). Because the fact is - we still have very little control over our reproductive lives. Not every woman alive is going to be able to have a baby, sad but true. So then what? Do you spend the next forty years of your life full of hatred, bitterness, and alienated from all your friends with children, crying at Facebook announcements, lashing out at pregnant bloggers for kicks? Women who feel like Neena seriously have to look at their lives - the WHOLE picture, not just having a baby - and ask what they've had to sacrifice for this journey, and is it really worth it. I often think of the partners, the men who met and married nice girls who were slowly driven crazy by infertility, and yet they have to stand by and suffer silently, too guilty to leave, as they go through yet another doomed cycle, draining yet another savings account, not able to talk about it, never able to say the words, "I wish we could just stop all this - aren't we enough?" It breaks my heart. I wish everyone that wanted one could have a healthy baby, I really do. But that's not the way life works. And to tell people to shut up on the internet - well, that's just a bandaid on a much bigger problem.

Valerie said...

These people are really starting to piss me off. I'm sorry but when did infertility become a contest to see which woman had a suckier life??? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt y'all must go through every single month when AF decides to come around again. Should I not be excited that I got pregnant after 2 cycles on my own? I have felt enormous guilt because I spent my entire childhood watching my mom struggle, agonize and eventually give up on having more than one child so when I became an adult, those feelings never went away. I have a very dear friend now who was basically told last week it's never going to happen for her, no matter what any doctor does. I hurt for her as I would hurt for myself, in a different way I'm sure. Don't you dare change your blog!!! Even having no problems, problems or cannot conceive no matter how hard we try doesn't make this a contest. I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out why someone would post a comment like that to you. It might be my 30 weeks pregnant hormones but I'm ready to fight someone. Shame on you, Neena!! Shame on you! What happens when your time comes and someone were to treat you like this??

I like that a previous poster mentioned about being "cured." I'm sure we ALL know at least one person who had a healthy child then struggled for years with IF only to have their hopes and dreams of a sibling be dashed for one reason or another. IF really can strike anyone, anytime.

I am sorry for the long comment. I am really furious about this. No one deserves to be chastised like you have been lately. Congrats on your pregnancy (I'm having a boy as well)!

K said...

OMFG - those kind of comments make me so mad. I understand they are coming from a place of pain and anger but still it's uncalled for to attack someone and say their journey is not as meaningful because they deem you have not suffered enough.

I've just gotten a BFP, after 3 years of TTC, 2 miscarriages, 3 IUIs and IVF - does that make it that I have suffered enough! Stories of someone beating infertility made me smile, sure some days they were hard to read, but on those days I walked away from the laptop!

My mum taught me if you can't say something nice, dont say anything at all, this digital age is wonderful for it's information sharing but it allows some cowards to hide behind a screen name and spew nastiness.

Infertility impacts your life forever, regardless if you manage to overcome it.

sienna said...

WOW. I've been angry and jealous in the past, but this comment is just filled with rage and hate. The person has clearly been through hell but it appears that she is blaming you. Or ppl like you, rather. And that's not right. So instead of being mean, I just wish this person the best bc clearly she is hurting really bad. And it happens that writing comments to you and the rest of us "fertiles" makes her feel better. Very unfortunate. As a person who went through 3 ivfs, I can genuinely say that that was more pain than anyone should endure in a left time. It's not a contest ppl. What confounds me is why YOU are getting these emails/comments. You've been real from the start and I haven't heard a single complaint from you, so I'm confused as hell. Xoxo.

One perfect emby said...

My goodness how selfish of your follower to display jealousy over your success in getting a BFP after suffering infertility..how dare one compare and try to see who has suffered more then another....we all have one thing in common..infertility and that suffering before getting your BFP definately leaves an imprint in you forever...and if anyone couples who suffer infertility we are here to support each other not to bag another person out because they have been successful with a pregnancy....

I lost a follower on my blog in last week or so due to the same fact...I was empowering words of positiveness and inspiration for one of my other blog followers as they were really down about their egg retrieval low numbers and trying to give them positive thoughts and I got belittled because of it...Im happy as the blog follower has stopped following me so thats ok...I dont want negative people around me....and if they cant see the light...they will remain in that very dark place...we have all been there feeling sorry for ourselves but it does not help...you need to brush it off focus on what you want and what you have to do to get there and stop focusing on what you dont have but what you want

Dana said...

I haven't suffered from infertility, but I have lost 5 babies in 4 pregnancies at 20 weeks, 5 weeks, 10 weeks and 11 weeks. I totally understand the pain of loss. Neena is obviously hurting a lot and with good reason. She has gone through hell and continues to live through it. But, if your blog bothers her so much, why is she reading it? I know many people who have become pregnant after loss and their babies lived. I was happy for them, but it was like a knife in my gut to see ultrasound pictures and hear about feeling the baby kick. So I stopped reading their blogs. It wasn't easy because I wanted to know how they were doing and I suppose I liked to torture myself. I am in a much better place now, that is why I can read your blog and just be happy for you (and maybe a little jealous that you are pregnant and I'm not - but still happy for you).

I am so sorry that Neena has gone through so much, but getting pregnant after losing a baby doesn't wipe out the past hurt, disappointment and fears.

And of course, this is your blog and you can write whatever you darn well please here. I hope that you continue too because you are hilarious and I want to know that everything continues to go well.

Joys Truly said...

I had to rewrite these comments because I found myself being nasty to the person who sent you the comment. And I am not stooping to that level.

I cannot even believe the content of that comment. It's really sad. No one is holding a gun to her head to be reading your blog. Everyone has trials and tribulations in their lives, infertility related or not, its' LIFE and you deal with the cards you are dealt best you can because it is all you can do. Each of our situations are unique - OURS and ours alone. How does comparing your situation to anyone else's making yours better or worse?

Jay you keep writing and saying what your feel whenever you feel like it. I have enjoyed your blog and thanks for posting this.

Wonder Woman said...

Dear Neena,

You are not in charge of whose pain has lasted long enough, bank account has been drained enough and sadness permeated deep enough into their lives to be allowed to "relate" to other infertiles.

But you ARE in charge of your ability to click on the small red X when you find yourself confronted with content which makes you feel badly about your own situation.

If/when you ever are lucky enough to have children, I'd hope you would teach them better lessons about human dignity, respect, and tact than what you have exhibited here. Real challenges in life bring out the best and sometimes the worst of who we are. It appears that there is a lot more "worst" in you than best. you may want to get some professional help with that. :o/

Twikelun said...

Being IF doesn't go away just because you get a BFP it's part of who you are.
I understand how hurt the commenter must be and you know what, I've been there, I've thought some of the things she's expressed, I'll admit it. But when I was in that dark place I thought it was a lot better to just hit 'unfollow' or 'delete' than to take it out on someone who has every right to be happy about this new part of their life.

I get how hurt she must feel but I think she should get some help to try and heal, directing such hate towards someone they don't know is an extreme cry for help, and the anonymity of the Internet is helping to feed her bitterness, but also it must be tough cos she mustn't have the support many of us do.

I guess I look at this from a different perspective as a person who has felt that extreme jealousy and hate, and also as a long time sufferer of mental illness. The journey is tough. But it's tough for us all and emailing such hate to someone is a step too far and she needs help.

Great job Jay, you've approached this in a sensitive and mature way, and hopefully you will see that your hate mail is in the minority and to keep your blog just the way it is and to not take such dribble from others too personally. All the best with your pregnancy.

Jen said...

I love your blog. You make me laugh out loud often, and I need it. My second IVF just failed, but I keep saying to myself...but it worked for Jay on the third try! See, there is hope! I can carry on. Yes, I fully admit that sometimes it's hard to read IF blogs that have turned to pregnancy blogs. But one of my favorite bloggers just lost her twins at 20 weeks. I wouldn't have known how much love and support she needs now if I had given up on her blog because her first IVF worked two weeks after my first one didn't. And on the days it's hard to read, I skim, or skip, or save them for later. No woman gets pregnant just to piss off somebody who can't. And no infertile pregnant woman is writing about her experience just to stick it to those that are still trying. Blogging is first and foremost a journal for the author. I agree with many above...if you don't like what someone is saying, no one is forcing you to read it. But Jay, I will keep reading.

shutterbugwife said...

The whole "who had it worse" part of infertility pisses me the hell off. I have been trying for a year and a half and have gone through surgery to remove the massive amounts of endometriosis I had. Does that mean that I don't have the right to be upset or angry just because I haven't had a failed IVF attempt yet? NO. Yet, I still find myself holding back my feelings because I don't want to offend someone who has been trying longer than me.

This person is obviously angry and I get that. I have plenty of days that my anger is overwhelming. You know what I do on those days when I see a blog post from someone who is pregnant? I "mark as read" and move the hell on! Infertility freaking sucks but you also have to be accountable for your feelings. You can't expect the entire world to tiptoe around you.

Also, just because you get pregnant, doesn't mean you didn't suffer. Jay, you went through a LOT to get where you are and that doesn't just go away. It will always be a part of your life and and you have every right to keep blogging about it.

Even though I am still struggling to get pregnant, I have NEVER been offended or upset over anything you have said since you have gotten pregnant. You have been incredibly sensitive to the fact that you have many friends dealing with infertility.

Lauri said...

I don't normally follow blogs like yours because of the pain and disappointment it causes me when the blogger becomes pregnant. The reason why I've continued to follow your journey is because you haven't forgotten what it's like to be infertile, you've been very sensitive about your situation, and your story is encouraging to me.

I really hate to see us bashing each other when we've all been through so much pain. I feel like resentment is a natural reaction, but sometimes I wonder if these people who are sending you these nasty comments need professional help. That sounds harsh, but I think when you have that much anger built up inside, you are forgetting yourself and living your life in your supposed failures.

When I'm feeling depressed about my infertility, I pretty much avoid the internet because it's like stabbing myself in the heart with a knife.

So far, I'm able to manage my sadness. I do my spontaneous ugly cry pretty much every other day, but I try to remember that even though I won't go to the infertility support meetings (I can't deal with the idea of the other girls getting pregnant and not me), I'm definitely not alone in my pain, and I find that very comforting.

I hope that person is able to find some peace in her life. I hope that she has someone to talk to. Even though her comments are offensive, her pain is valid. I'm sorry that you got caught in the crossfire.

Enjoy your pregnancy, Jay. You sound like someone who will treasure every minute of it even when it is sometimes physically uncomfortable. Also, continue blogging however which way you choose. This is your space and you don't need to censor or edit yourself, especially when the reader has the choice to visit your site or not.

~Rae~ said...

Oh yeah, I am so ON this one. Let's talk about 21 years of wishing to be pregnant. Countless tests, injections, only 2 failed IVFs for me when the RE Nazi said, "No bio babies for you!" I don't know what it's like to have lost a baby--because I've never been able to even be pregnant with one. BUT I WOULD NEVER WISH THAT ON ANYONE, let's get that straight right now. When we did finally get to adopt, the BM took him from us before anything legal had been done. She kept him for 6 wks before realizing that he belonged with us. 6 weeks of pure hell for me.
I am bitter when I hear of someone who is pregnant that I know will not properly take care of that child. I am bitter/angry when I see children/babies in public where it's obvious they are not being taken care of...I AM NOT BITTER/ANGRY when a fellow INFERTILE finally gets her dream come true, a baby growing in her womb! I'm with Jay on this...if it hurts you this bad to read her blog, kindly move on.
I recently had to step back from all the IF talk on my twitter & blog because it was 'getting to me again'. Did I lash out at anyone? Hell no. Did almost everyone there wish me well and said they'd welcome me back anytime? ABSOLUTELY! Because that's what we IFer's do. Yeah, it does stir a twinge of jealousy, I would be a liar if I said it didn't. But to be this angry with someone who's been thru the IF trenches only to reach the other side? Seriously? Come on! Life is life. Bad things happen to GOOD people every-freaking-day,this I know very well. I lived most of my adult life being bitter at the universe because I am infertile. I'll be damned if I am going to be bitter at a fellow IFer, especially one who is finally pregnant!
Move on Neena, seriously, you should not be reading her posts if it makes you feel this way. Therapy is really helping me. Maybe you should do the same?

Erin said...

Infertility is not a competition. Everyone's journey is different, but our goal at the end is always the same, to get pregnant and to have a child to love forever.

I really hope that you do keep writing Jay. You inspire us every day. You give us hope that one day, it will be possible. It may not be easy, but it is possible.

I love what you write x

Lanie said...

This makes me sad. I'm so sorry that you are getting hate comments. You have every right to express yourself on your own blog and name your blog whatever you like. It's fitting that this blog is called 2 Week Wait. That is what inspired you to start a blog.

Neena should go read your blog from the beginning and try to identify with you struggling with infertility from the beginning, get to know you better, instead of reacting immediately and hatefully to your current situation which you should be congratulated for. If she doesn't like your blog, she should find another blog to follow or start one of her own. Based on her own standards she would have no loyal readers as they would leave her blog as they got pregnant one by one.

Why is she looking for support groups/blogs online? It sounds like the second she gets pregnant, she's hightailing it out of there "see ya suckers later". What kind of a support is that?

Anyway, don't change for anyone. You are infertile and should be damn proud of it. It's part of you now. The struggle made you stonger as it's made all of us stronger women. You worked hard for that baby. Starbucks deposits and all!

;)

Anonymous said...

WOW. It always breaks my heart to hear women "competing" in infertility. The struggle, the pain we went thru, even though we crossed over, NEVER goes away. And if you are lucky enough to cross over you end up doing things you SWORE you would never do. Like posting your US pics on FB. Because your PROUD. Proud of what you've been through and what you've over come. I feel very sorry for what this lady has gone thru, but shame on her for taking it out on the community that would always hold her hand thru the hard times.

Heather said...

Ahhh...the pain Olympics. We are or were ALL on the same island. It's not a fun island fof any of us. Sure, some stays are shorter than others, but that's the nature of life.

I honestly don't get why someone in that place would even read a pregnancy blog. I wonder if you are getting more of these type of comments because people are googling "the two week wait"? Otherwise it doesn't make sense that they seem to gravitate here.

Rebecca said...

I understand the bitterness and I understand the desire sometimes to just say "oh, yeah, well guess how hard I've had it?" But, it isn't productive and it's just mean to put someone down who is in no way saying "I've had it worse than all of you and look at what a smug mommy I am, now." You are not that person at all.

Neena has had a crap hand dealt to her and I'm very sorry. But, so have so many others. Pain is personal and it all sucks.

And, it says right in the heading that you're pregnant. If you don't want to read about pregnancy, move on. Why would you make yourself angry like that intentionally? And, why lash out at others?

And, for the record again, I think you did right by writing to your family member. The worst part about my loss was that most of the family members who knew about it have never, ever acknowledged it. Pregnant, with children, without... it would have been nice to know they cared about how I felt.

Sarah said...

I like that you have continued to tell your story. And It is your story. Not what's-her-face's. So live your life, blog for yourself and hope that everyone finds the grace to support you, or to stop following you.

Change it...Don't change it, either way there will be people out there who will hate your story. And your story will not change no matter what you may change your blog name to.

It's not that they hate you. It's that they really hate that they could relate to you and now you are "leaving them behind". Not to mention that they have been left behind countless other times. Usually in life no one wants to be left behind, but shouldn't we all hope that even if it never happens for us, that it happens for others? shouldn't we want the best for each other?

On the other hand...I hate when I go to a IF blog link and find that the last post they wrote was "I'm pregnant and out of here...suckers!"

The only person (not on a blog) that I feel can relate to me is a friend who has a child. She is struggling with secondary infertility, but she gets it. It took her 4 years to have her first child, and has been trying for baby number two since then.

We don't play the my life is harder than yours game...because neither of us wants to win.

SLESE1014 said...

So much has already been said that I completely agree with. I admit while I was still struggling to get pregnant, if someone got a BFP, I congratulated them and backed off until I was waiting for my BFP again and then I would go back and catch up on their blogs and look for the hope for which I was in desperate need.

I chose not to change my blog name from fertility frustration to something about being pregnant. I'm still frustrated at the fact it took me 4 years to get pregnant and 5 IUI's and 1 IVF along with 1 miscarriage and 2 suspected miscarriages. Do I know exactly what Neena has been through. NO! But I have taken care of moms who have been. It's part of my job. I've seen the pain. Is it worse than what I went through when I lost my baby? I don't think so. Did I go through as many treatment cycles? No. But I went through at least one, which is one more than any woman should have to.

I love the IF community because we've supported each other through thick and thin, ups and downs, failures and the coveted success stories. I could never have done this without those other women out there who have been through some or everything or more or less than I have. They shared their experiences and feelings and helped me through each and every step.

I struggled with sharing my success both on my blog and in real life. I'm still scared of what might happen. Until I hold my baby alive and well in my arms, I don't consider myself a success story. And I know when and if we're lucky enough to try for number 2, we'll be right back at the beginning again. Dealing with secondary IF after primary IF.

So Jay, I've cried and and laughed along with your story. I've hoped and prayed for you. Please, please don't change your blog and if you do, please let us all know so we can continue to follow your inspirational story.

FOR NEENA: I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you get your baby someday. I hope you can look back on this episode someday and realize what has transpired. We are all pulling for you as we have all felt something of what you have felt. But for now, just stop reading blogs that aren't what you're looking for. Come back and read when you can. May you find peace someday.

Chon said...

I just feel so incredibly sad for Neena. When you write a comment like that it comes from an awful burning sad desperate place within. One that I am so very aware of and one that we have all been in before. I just wish that I could somehow offer her some support the way so many lovely ladies have offered me support over the past three years. Because she didn't mean what she wrote. We never mean it when we are angry we just lash out at those that have made it almost to the finish line because we feel broken inside.

On an aside, I like your posts Jay. They are funny and make me laugh. Pregnant or not pregnant I still follow you.

sassyNtubeless said...

Infertility isn't a contest and no matter what pain you have gone through to get pregnant and be where you are, the pain never goes away. Hugs to Neena, sorry for all your losses, but once an infertile, always an infertile! The 2 week wait doesn't stop after your ET, it starts up again between each u/s until that baby is in your arms, and even then, the pain will be there forever for you know you will never be able to give your child a sibling as easily as a fertile.

Jessica said...

Wow! Clearly I am behind on my reading of your blog!!!

I am weighing in as an infertile, who has been pregnant via IVF and lost those babies at 24w. I can see it from all sides and this is the best I can say...

Becoming pregnant does not dismiss you from the "infertile club" those feelings related to infertility never really go away. Maybe after a healthy dose of therapy, but even when I was pregnant my insecurities still lingered and now that I am going through additional rounds of IVF to get pregnant again I am still in the IF "club."

As a woman who has lost my sons, I have been repeatedly disappointed by people who have dropped out of my life after my boys were gone. I would rather read an email from a friend/family member, regardless of their intentions, than not have them acknowledge my loss/grief. I might not have liked what people have had to say...because there really is nothing that can be said that will make it better...but I give them credit for trying.

And lastly, this is your blog...your space...your thoughts...we are guests and if we don't like it we can leave.

Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts with us...I am sticking around!

eggsinarow said...

You know, I'm always curious what other IFers think of me...I can't get pregnant at all, and I've not done any IUI's (no tubes) or IVF (complicated situation, as I have bleeding disorders and I'm scared of blood clots). So, I've not had a miscarriage and I've not done IVF. Does that make me less IF?

I hope this girl finds support, as I know the ALI community has literally saved my sanity. Seriously. I'm so lucky to have found the people I have! xoxox

zygotta said...

I think every blogger that finally gets pregnant, gets those scolding hate mails...

There are people who struggle (with whatever is wrong with their lives), and find their strength in despising anyone who doesn't struggle. I feel sorry for people like that, it's a sad place to be. My TTC efforts were relatively simple, but I went through some other episodes (2 immigrations, divorce, being fired - to name a few) and I have NEVER felt bitter towards those more lucky.

Perhaps it IS time you cross over to the happily pregnant side and enjoy it, leaving the horrors behind.

mommyodyssey said...

I've had three miscarriages and 2 surgeries. Does that make me less or more in pain than you, Jay? Because I can get pregnant easily, but can't stay pregnant does that mean I'm not infertile?
I think each person's pain is different. Comparing them is unfair. You just keep doing what you're doing Jay. You rock.

Courtney said...

I'm fairly certain "Neena" has posted on my blog as well.

I understand the hurt she is going through but infertility & baby loss are NOT competitive races. They are both hurtful journeys to travel down and I will forever travel down both until my dying day even with my rainbow baby here in my arms.

I've buried three sons but that does not mean that my pain is more than hers or anyone else who has lost only one child. I have POF so I have no eggs but my pain is my pain, our journey is our journey.

I get so sick of women who think that those of us who are pregnant or those of us who have living children are still not suffering from infertility or are cured from their grief.

I hope Neena will stop reading your blog if it's so damn painful for her.

Esperanza said...

I haven't got to read a the comments yet (so many articulate responses!) and I apologize if I'm repeating what has already been said. All I want to say, is that I'm so sorry for the commentor's suffering and grief. It's obvious that she is miserable and I hope she finds relief. I also hope she finds a way to forgive others for their success because if she doesn't, and she does eventually become the mother of a living child, she is going to be so incredibly lonely. As she herself has proclaimed, she won't be fit to turn to those still struggling with infertility, as her live child will somehow have negated what she went through, and she won't accept the support of otter mothers who se feels don't deserve what they have or feel enough gratitude for it. That doesn't leave a lot of people to experience motherhood with. Ad I very much hope she does get to experience motherhood with a healthy baby. Everyone deserves that, no matter how they struggled to get it.

Anonymous said...

Once you get pregnant, you are not cured. The innocence of pregnancy is taken away and one will likely never forget how hard it was. The scars are still there- the debt, the drain on marriage, and more. Infertility is life changing and as sorry as I feel for her and sympathize with her pain, I ask for multitudes of us you keep writing on this blog about your pregnancy and then baby.

Your last few posts have all included your feelings of what I can only describe as Guilt and/or you being sensitive to other people. That is amazing that you are so thoughtful and consider the feelings of others, but I feel like you are already being cheated out of HAPPY BABY POSTS so PLEASE PLEASE, tell us the fun stuff!

Toni said...

Not a regular commenter but you called me out. I will start by saying I'm a pregnant infertile.

Here's what I think:

It's like two people who grow up in a bad home and one gets adopted. They both have deep scars from the abuse but one has escaped and is now starting the road to recovery. Life has hope and promise, while the other one continues to live in pain taking the abuse every day. Suddenly her scars are more compounded and deeper while the scars of the girl who escaped begin to heal. While technically I, and you, would probably be considered infertile if we tried again and our entire pregnancy will be shadowed by what we went through and possibly create complications others wouldn't have, the life of a pregnant infertile and an infertile are in no way comparable.

Neena is clearly in deep pain and it goes a lot further than your blog. I hope so much she gets her miracle.

Jay my dear, keep writing. You're doing just fine. You can't stop the pain others are enduring. Just like they wouldn't be able to stop yours if the situation was reversed.

Slackie O. said...

Once infertile, ALWAYS infertile. You know how I feel about you doll - wouldn't change you for the world.

jjiraffe said...

Oh, this makes me so sad. First of all, Neena's terrible and real grief is definitely being misdirected towards you, which is terribly unfair: you don't deserve to be the target of this anger and hatred. At all.

Second, your blog is wonderfully funny and sympathetic and a much-needed voice in the hinterland of hell that can be infertility.

Third, as Dead Cow Girl pointed out, infertility is a once-in, always-in proposition. I will always consider myself infertile and it has permanently altered my psyche. If others don't want to read my blog because I talk about the kids I had after three IVFs, I certainly understand. But when you become a parent, your feelings about infertility don't magically go away, unfortunately. Or, that has been my experience.

Finally Neena, if you are reading this, I am sorry you have been through so much terrible pain and grief. I hope you can get the help you need to grapple with this, because upsetting someone in this community is not helpful to anyone.

And Jay: you have many, many readers who think you are amazing and hilarious. Like all of the commenters above, and me. (((Hugs))) I know this comment must have been very upsetting to read.

irrationalexuberance said...

Jay, don't let it get to you. I think that your blog is great and that you deserve every happiness you have. There is no competition for pain. Don't even try to compete.

Cristy said...

I don't think I can say it any better than the previous commenters. But I want to add my thoughts.

Neena: I'm so very sorry you're in such a painful place. Infertility is literally living hell and it's clear that you've suffered for a long time. If you haven't done so already, please find a licensed therapist to talk to. Resolve lists a number who are specialized in dealing with grief, loss and infertility. I has literally saved my sanity (as well as my marriage) to find someone who can help me. Please don't wait.

Jay: Lady, like so many have already said, you are amazing. It's so easy to take a comment (or many comments) and return with anger and hatred. Instead, you respond with love and compassion. And you open the forum for the rest of us so that we may also send love and light to those who are hurting so deeply. I learn by your example with every post and I am so thankful that I found this blog (and you) while on this journey. Thank you my friend. And please know, from the bottom of my heart, that so many, myself included, are supporting you during this pregnancy. Thinking of you and looking forward to the new post soon.

R*R said...

I too have become a pregnant infertile. And to be honest, I did stop reading your blog for a while this year when I found out you were knocked-up. Not b/c I resented you, but b/c I needed to deal with myself. Infertility isn't a game. We don't and shouldn't be trying to one-up each other. How completely RIDICULOUS and CHILDISH! Good lord Jay, PLEASE KEEP WRITING. You kept me sane, and I still need it! I have all the sympathy in the world for this woman, I truly do. But like others have said, she could look away. She doesn't have to keep coming back here if it hurts her. Why would you do that to yourself? You, Jay, are NOT the problem here. You clearly have a loyal following. ;) Don't abandon us now!!! <3

Kate said...

Jay, I wrote a long response to this post and then deleted it because it's impossible to respond rationally to such a ridiculous comment. Give me a break! You struggled, experienced real grief, and have shared that journey with us. Those who read here are grateful for your companionship. Those who aren't don't have to read here. End of story.

As I've said before, I'm happy you got pregnant and shared that with us. You know what would be really depressing? Reading infertility blogs that NEVER tell of a happy ending, where the writer just suddenly disappears off the face of the earth. I'm a grown up; it might be hurtful to hear of someone's pregnancy when I'm struggling, but I can take it. Thank you for not patronizing me by assuming I can't. Of course I know that for some, pregnancy eludes them always, but that doesn't mean those who get pregnant should be ashamed. Give me a break. And I say that as an infertile. You go girl! Make us proud.

Brittani said...

If one thinks that finally becoming a mother will heal the pain in your heart they are wrong. You will always know what that pain feel like and carry it with you. I cherish my child even more because of it, I thank God every single day for my baby boy. My heart breaks for my friends who are still waiting.

Just because an infertile FINALLY reaches their goal of being pregnant doesn't mean they aren't human. That they shouldn't be allowed to say they are feeling bad or that they are tired. THROWING UP SUCKS! Pregnant infertiles don't mind it as much but it still sucks!

Neena - It is very simple...QUIT READING!!! Avoid your triggers if it causes you that much pain.

Jay - Please keep writing, I read your blog while going through fertility treatment. It helped me and gave me some great laughs. I can not wait to see what you write about motherhood. I am so flippin' tired from lack of sleep I could use a few good laughs when I am up at 4am (and mother or not LACK OF SLEEP SUCKS!)

Christina said...

I am so very sad and hurt when I see that other women who have struggled through IF get such angry hateful comments/mail. This community is about support and understanding for any and all suffering IF. No one here is "more" infertile than someone else! Everyone is different and so are their experiences, but we can draw knowledge and strength from them all, right?

I am "technically" not infertile. We hadn't even tried for a full year before I was able to get pregnant. But I think having to see an RE 2 months out the gate and starting meds and testing right off the bat doesn't exactly make me a fertile either. Then there's the miscarriage... It has all stuck with me and I still don't feel out of the woods just yet at 28w. Things could still go wrong. It all suck. Whether you conceive naturally, or after 10 IVFs, 0 or 8 miscarriages, have a success adoption after 1m or 5yrs - It doesn't matter. It's not a pissing contest. It suck donkey balls to have to deal with any form of infertility or loss.

Neena - I am so very sorry to hear that you have had to go through so many IVFs and failed treatments. It is just cruel and understandably, you are hurt and jaded by it. I couldn't even imagine then suffering a loss at 20w after all that. Just remember that there are people out there that care about you (who you may not even know are out there). I truly hope you find some form of peace and happiness.

Jay, you darling woman, keep writing. Don't let the hurt of a few put you off from blogging. There are countless women (and men) out there that have found laughs and hope through your blog. There are probably countless others out there that will find the same in the future. The IF community needs to have success stories. Why keep at it and going through all the heartache and grief if there is no proof of making it to the "other side"? Besides, you should ultimately be writing/blogging for you, so who really needs this space more - You to chronicle your thoughts, feelings, and all else - or some one else that can just as easily navigate away from the page? HUGS and well wishes on a continued healthy pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby at the end!

Liz said...

Damn. I didn't read all the comments, but I am an IF survivor and guess what? I never did IVF, I never had surgery, and I got pregnant the first time I had treatment. Do I even get to call myself infertile? YES. Because I know the pain of wanting a baby more than anything and not being able to get pregnant like "normal" people do. Pain is pain, it's that simple. I feel empathy for Neena like I did for Jay before her little miracle man and like I do for a good friend who has been TTC and is frustrated that it hasn't happened yet. I remember thinking ugly thoughts about people who got pregnant when I was infertile, but I would never have said any of them out loud. I simply needed to keep my distance from baby situations, which included not reading pregnancy/mommy blogs. I suggest that Neena do the same. After all, most of us infertiles turn into infertile parents and we are different than fertile parents. We have to stick together and support each other.
Also, it's your own freaking blog. Call it whatever you want, and write whatever you want!

Krystal said...

It's funny how people feel that once you're pregnant the infertility part goes away. I considered myself the "infertile fertile" in a way... 5 pregnancies, 2 births. Lots of years of trying.

It's frustrating to think that once infertiles get pregnant they deserve less support. That's how it feels some times.. I know because I went from many people following my blog posts and responding to hardly any once I got pregnant. Heck, getting even 5 people to follow my new blog (that in respects I decided to make post-IF) is a challenge.

I don't see why people must play the "who has it worst" card. We cannot compare pain. A person who has had a loss at 20 weeks may not deal with it as easily as someone else would have. Someone who has had 3 IVF's might experience the same pain as someone who has never had an IVF but had 3 losses.

Truthfully it's your call if you want to make a new blog. That's all up to you, and no one should ever make it so you feel bad if you don't. They're not being supportive, so why be supportive of them? If that makes sense. I made myself a new blog because it didn't seem appropriate to have my infertility blog any more, like a new chapter in my life. However I also didn't have people treat me with such disrespect on my blog, and you shouldn't either. Whatever you decide to do... we're here for you. The people who matter the most, the supportive ones who aren't going to chew you out!
Krystal (Krysttc on Twitter)
http://drinkingitup.blogspot.com/

Breeze said...

My only question is this:

If/when Neena gets her sticky BFP and ultimately her take-home baby (and I hope like hell she does) will that automatically relegate her to despicable human being status?

Because that's what she seems to have been saying to you - that being pregnant suddenly makes you a bad, insensitive person.

(I think you did the right thing regarding your relative who lost her baby, by the way. Even if it sharpened her heartache briefly, it was still the right thing.)

Deanna: Miss(ed) Conception said...

I feel that as a community, we stand united (even if that does sound corny.) We celebrate together, mourn together, hope together, and so much more. The thing we DO NOT do is compete with each other! Having survived only 5 IUI’s and finally a successful IVF did not make my journey any less torturesome to me. Everyone’s journey is different and yes, some are less traumatic than others but having just recently gotten news of my own natural, miracle BFP did not make the miscarriage that followed any less painful. I won’t pretend that losing a fetus at nine weeks is that same as losing a baby at 20. It breaks my heart to hear that the commenter endured that and is obviously still hurting.
Having a baby didn’t cure my infertility. I thank the Lord daily that I DO have a baby but sadly I haven’t earned any membership to a special “club.” Anyway, I’m sad that the commenter had such hurtful things to say but it’s clear that there is still a lot of healing for the commenter to do. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to endure “5 IVFs, numerous operations and surgical investigations, and a dead baby at 20 weeks.” Horrible!!! If it matters at all, I send out my thoughts and hope to the commenter. I really do hope that the future is much brighter for you but do me a favor, don’t read MY blog.

L-L-L-Leslie said...

Why isn't anybody else freaking out about the last word in that hateful comment?!?! Up until those last three letters, it was just dumb/almost funny. I couldn't believe she had to throw in a sort of threat. That was really low. I don't understand how anyone suffering through IF can throw out a comment like that to a fellow infertile. The good news? You are famous! You get hate mail!! Congrats! ;)

Still,I stick with my old opinion that pregnant women should start a pregnancy blog. If feels okay to refer to prior infertility on a pregnancy blog, but it can be hard for some readers to stumble upon a pregnancy blog when they were expecting the comfort and support of an infertility blog.

Either way, I'm still a reader! In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't much matter what the blog is called. I can relate to your past experience and I am hopeful to soon be relating to your current experience (though, obviously not this month as I got a visit from AF [THAT HORRID BITCH] today!!

Amy said...

IF is hard. We all know it. It messes with your emotions and psyche. You become a certain kind of crazy that is hard to understand if you haven't been through it. You are happy for your friends that get to have a baby, yet jealous at the same time.Then you feel guilty for having bad feelings towards them, then you are angry that you are feeling all of these horrible emotions. It is a hellish roller coaster. But it is reassuring to have others that are going through it, who know that hell. Just because you become pregnant doesn't mean that you don't still know it. If you are a secondary infertile, you still feel those emotions. We are all in this together. And as many said, even if we feel jealous, we are all happy when a fellow IF is blessed with a child, because we know that that person truly appreciates all it took to get there.

Neena clearly is in pain and is lashing out at anyone and everyone. However, it is also clear that she is not a true follower of yours. If she was, like all of the women who commented, she would feel happy for you. Really happy. I was SO thrilled when I read your good news that immediately shared it with my husband. He knew who you were because I would have him read your blogs. You could put into words the feelings and stresses that I was going through but had a hard time explaining to him. Somehow having it come from a third party made it easier to understand.

I have never met you. I probably never will, but you have been a great inspiration to many of us. I look forward to your posts showing up in my feed. I looked forward to them when they mirrored my emotions and I look forward to them now because I just feel such happiness for you every time you write about being pregnant.

I wasn't going to write a long post, but it has turned out to be one. It seems like that is the theme on your comment string this time. We all just feel so passionate about what you are doing and your journey that we don't want to you to feel like crap because you are getting hate mail. We want to protect you. We want to tell you that mean people suck. Most of all we want to tell you that we are really happy for you and that we are still enjoying your journey as we hope you are.

Tara dS said...

Jay, there is not much here I can say that others have not said. But my advice to you would be this: take care of yourself.

If people are sending you hate mail and you are able to let it roll off your back, then by all means keep writing here. But if you are suffering as a result of these horrible comments, then I think you have every right to move to a new location or change the blog name, whatever it takes to get these people to back off.

You have been through enough, and now that your dream has finally come true, you should not be denied the happiness that comes with it. So do what you need to do to be happy. Good luck and for the record, I do hope you keep writing. Your blog is one of my favorites.

A Few Good Eggs said...

Oh dear God what is wrong with people in this world? So much hatred. I am speechless Neena. I didn't think that anybody could ever be capable of saying the things that you said but you proved me wrong. I'm still struggling with infertility. I've gone through 6 clomide cycles and 2 IUIs and all have failed. I'm now trying my 1st IVF. Am I jealous that Jay is now pregnant? Absolutely. Am I resentful and filled with hatred? Absolutely not. Infertility is a painful thing as it is and I have found so much support online. Some of my IVF community board members are now pregnant and I'm absolutely thrilled for them. Why? Because it gives me hope that my IVF could very well succeed. Will I be heartbroken if it doesn't? Absolutely. But that is not a reason to take it out on other pregnant fertiles/infertiles. I feel sorry for you Neena. I really do. I hope you find that comfort and peace that you seek, but for goodness sake please stop reading this blog.

To you Jay, please keep writing. Your blog made me both laugh and cry (in a good way). You are wonderful.

Monica said...

Wow. I am so incredibly sorry that there are people out there who: 1) Think that all your pain is erased because you have finally got pregnant; 2) Feel it's their right to treat anyone so poorly because they are going through so much pain; 3) Make pain into a competition.

My struggles with getting pregnant and miscarriage are very different than yours have been, but I found that both your posts about your struggles with infertility AND your posts about your pregnancy have been infinitely helpful to me. Please don't let these horrible haters scare you away.

I think it's natural for anyone who has gone through infertility to be jealous of what you have achieved. But it just makes them a very selfish person if they attack you for it.

crazytwinmomma said...

As someone who might be considered "not infertile enough" by this poster and many who think like her, I will say that I abide by the "once an infertile, always an infertile" thought process. Even after successfully getting pregnant there was always the fear that something could go wrong. Then, when we chose to try again, all the same feelings came back with new feelings of guilt....I am not allowed to be sad about the repeated BFN's because I already have children. When I became pg the second time, there was still all the fear that something would go wrong and also major guilt about my success. And yes, as I sit here with my newborn in my arms I still resent the hell out of those people who are posting US pics at 8 wks on FB and those who seem like they get knocked up the minute someone sneezes on them! Hose of us who have "crossed over" are in a strange sort of limbo. We feel as though we don't quite belong in the world where all our friends are still enduring pain and suffering, but we don't really fit in over in "mommy world" either. I hope you keep blogging because your humor and honesty are appreciated by many and you are a source of hope for those still trying.

Nepsi said...

Neena's comment would imply that once you are pg your IF is cured. I can say it is not. It colors every part of your pregnancy. Did someone take my IF card away once I had my baby after 3 IUIs, 6 IVFs, surgeries, and 2 losses? I don't think so. I really don't get it. I know you can feel frustrated when you see others in the community become pregnant and it never seems to be your turn but to turn that venom on each other is not productive in any way.

Brittany (BohoTransplant) said...

I'm sure this has been said in the comments before (Nepsi mentioned it at well as I'm sure others did) but just because you get pregnant through IF treatment it does not mean that you are no longer infertile. It does NOT mean that just because you have a baby, you will automatically get pregnant anytime you want to going forward. And it doesn't mean that you have forgotten the pain of dealing with what you have dealt with, regardless of how many treatments you have gone through.

I know that I am very lucky that my treatments worked so fast and that we got pregnant on our first IUI, and STAYED pregnant. But there was still some pain there as I suffered a miscarriage early in our attempts, as I watched others get pregnant so easy, as I had to put off trying because of year long deployments to Iraq by my husband ... hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. And while I know that my pregnancy has turned some people away, I never blame them and I am BEYOND grateful from the support this community gave me when I needed it the most.

This woman's comment is unfortunate. This community has such a strong presence and an opportunity to really help each other out ... we celebrate the success and help each other through the tears. And I am sorry that this woman cannot see this community for what it really is.

MelanieTTC said...

I have never experienced a stillbirth, and can't imagine how awful it must be. But I have experienced 5 IVFs with no result. And I admit that the fact that the vast majority of people that I read about have success in a much shorter time has made me, in the past, not bother to follow someone or skip over their blog, because, well, it can be a little wearing to keep reading success stories from people who have got pregnant after the average number of tries. I personally get much of my hope from people like Nepsi (above), who, for whatever random reason the universe has thrown her, has had success AFTER my current tally of treatments (weird how the mind works). But, as someone who has followed Jay through her 3rd IVF, and has followed an awful lot of women through various stages of IF treatment, I know that no-one can take away the pain of loss, nor the joy of eventual success, nor the fear during a much-dreamed-of pregnancy that is the curse of IF for anyone who has gone through it. Sorry Neena, I am with Jay on this one. Although I'm obviously jealous (I want some of what Jay's got!), I am completely overjoyed for her, and I hope, one day, you will also get the chance to be overjoyed for yourself, and to express it, and to let us be happy for you too.

Limbo said...

Hmmm, this is a tough one. Jay, you did a great job of answering the post with clarity, compassion, and a lack of defensiveness.

But I have to admit that it is damn hard not to play the "who has it worse" game. I'm 44, 5IVFs, 2 losses, no children, etc., etc., and I have to admit that when people I know in their 20s and 30s talk about their pain over infertility, part of me is resentful, because at least they aren't facing only 1-3% odds. Does that make it right, that I feel this? Of course not. But I do. Honestly.

Anonymous said...

Just bc you get that coveted BFP, the misery, tears, pain, stress, anxiety does NOT go away instantly, trust me, it is still there, forever. As an Infertility Warrior (as I like to refer to myself as my journey is still in progress. You know like a "cancer survivor" vs "cancer warrior"? Oh and I am not meaning to be insensitive as I am a melanoma survivor so that is how I look at things-) who has paid thousands of $$s to get pregnant (1 baby and one on the way) after multiple failed attempts, miscarriage, many procedures, etc. I can honestly say the sadness and pain is always there. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, NO ONE deserves this. But just bc we did get pregnant after “whatever amount “of misery.....you are going to hate me? Really? Jealousy, yes, I get that. Been there done that. But MAD that I had to do XX amount of things to get pregnant and you only had to do X? No way, we are all in this together, we need to support not hate. Keep that hate to yourself. We all strive and yearn for a baby/family EQUALLY. Isn't this road hard enough then to have to deal with haters on top of it? Jay, keep it up. You have personally helped me get through a very tough year. You helped me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry and feel sorry for myself and I know I am not alone. Erin

Aggie said...

Jay: your blog, your name, your space.
it's kind of like having and living in a house in the neighbourhood and getting an extension put on your house and then one of your neighbours says: "uhm, you gotta move, lady. extensions or repairs to your house are not allowed" because deep inside, she wants the same renovations done to her space.

Sorry Neena - that's not how it works. Hurt and pain can be such strong blinders to others' success and happiness but not necessarily the right way to be. You are entitled to your stinging pain, understandably - but to begrudge someone due to their new happiness is unfair. Isn't that what we infertiles want? A success story of our own? Wouldn't you want the community to be happy for you if the roles were reversed?

thewrightday said...

Plenty of others have said exactly what I want to say. Just wanted to drop my 2 cents in the bucket to say I love your blog: pregnant, not pregnant, whatever. I don't think you need to change the name or the content. If I - or anyone else - don't like it we don't have to read it. End of subject.

Amanda said...

I did not read through the other comments but am sure there are others like me.

I am not infertile (that I know of) or trying to get pregnant but I love your blog. I like blogs that are real and funny, ones that let me get to know about someone elses life experiences, which yours does.

If you can handle the hate mail I see no problem with you continuing at this blog address. If you do choose to write somewhere else I would just have your last post linking to the new one, and explaining the move. Do not delete this blog or any posts on it, they are all well written and worth the read.

I wish you the best and pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby!!

ceecee867 said...

Please don't stop your blog. You are such an inspiration to so many people. Remember... it is YOUR blog. It is YOUR space to write whatever the hell you want to write. Anyone who is offended, or hurt by it, can simply NOT read it. I'm pretty sure that no one is holding a gun to anyones head and forcing them to read... Neena has my prayers. Its clear she is hurting and angry... but don't let her clouds cover up your sunshine :)
Connie

Shanlee said...

I won't repeat what everyone else has already said, but I count myself as in infertile too, even though I've had 3 BFP's, they've all ended in mc's, and we're right back at the beginning trying to get yet another BFP. Anyway, one of our friend's is expecting, and another friend who knows of our struggles asked how I was handling the news. My reply was simple - "I can't expect other people to wait for my body to start to work." Pretty simple really.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I know we all can't wait to meet your baby boy!

theRagePage said...

The option to stop this blog and start anew is up to you. I understand where those are coming from who are still struggling--I am now pregnant with twin boys after 3 failed IUIs and got pregnant with my first IVF (GASP!!), but I think your story is a positive one that could shed some light on those still struggling. Success stories are a ray of sunshine in a regularly gloomy world. On the other hand, these ladies/men can just not read your blog now if they feel it does not pertain to them. Simply put.

Just because we are now pregnant, doesn't mean the hurt, sadness and compassion is now gone. We've been there. We know.

Carry on with your bad self!

Anonymous said...

On one hand, Neena is right. The title of the blog is misleading, an when an infertile is looking for a blog to easy somewhat her pain, it can be pretty disappointing when she finds this blog and realizes that you are already pregnant! And that can trigger horrid emotions from her part. (as we've already seen it from Neena)... but it's NOT your fault, Jay, it's just life.

So bc of this, I would DEFINITELY start a new blog... those who wanna read you will follow anyways! redirect them from this blog to your new one. Those who are not interested will not go over, but those who are, they will definitelly will be faithful to you, no matter if they are out of this IFnightmare or still struggling.

But this is the only thing she was right at. We should not compare each other's pain, bc we can't. We each have our own struggles and battles we have to fight. No need for comparison.

Plus, she is in pain, and I feel sorry for her. I wish I had a magic wand and could give everyone a baby who is struggling!!! I seriously do! But I can't! :( And I just hope that Neena will someday get what she wants and will be happy.

But afterall, we all wanna read about your PREGNANCY!!!!! it's a wonderful thing that you are growing a human in your belly, and you have all the right to write about it, talk about it and be happy about it. So please do so. If it means you need to start a new blog for it, then sure go for it! Then you will not feel like you are still apologizing for going over to the "other side"... it would be just a "regular pregnancy funny blog" ... you don't own infertility anything! Yes, you've been there, you will never forget the pain, and you sympathize with everyone and understand everyone who goes thru it....
But now YOU have a new phase in your life.... a pregnancy part... and you are missing out on it (we are missing out on yours too) bc you are stuck in the past, and you are still stuck at the IF phase! I'm afraid once you have your baby, you won't be able to enjoy him either, bc of the guilt people put on you!!! Don't let them do it.
It's your life... it's once in a lifetime experience that you are missing out on, just bc you are still worring about the infertility world. You can't save them. They will find their way out of it, just as you did.... this way or the other, but their problem will be solved too. So don't stress yourself out on other people's pain. Live your life and blog about it as it is... start a new blog!

peesticksandstones said...

Whew! A comment like that would've sent me diving under the covers for a good long while. I admire your ability to tackle it head-on, with such grace. I have only recently discovered your blog, but it looks like you have a lot of readers. And with that many folks stopping by, I would imagine it would be almost strange if you didn't get a mean-scary comment from time to time. That's just how the internet goes.

In general, though, I have been very impressed by the kindness and compassion of the IF community, and have always found some form of support in my 4-plus years of blogging. I've seen so many folks pass through so many different stages of this, including myself (finally had a son after multiple IVFs/losses and now trying for no. 2...ack).

There's always been a really interesting flow. Some blogs I couldn't read anymore when they got pregnant and I was miscarrying, but I went back to them eventually 2 years later and learned things that helped me in my pregnancy with my son. Some blog might be about a topic you never thought you'd touch (like adoption maybe, or donor gametes), but some way later down the road you are there and thank god for it.

Anyway, keep on keeping on! You've got plenty of support here. I hope the angry commenter also knows there is lots of support for her out there, too. I found Resolve groups very helpful to address stuff I couldn't quite dig deeply enough into by just going online.

Nini said...

New follower here. I can't even believe someone would have the audacity to write something like that to you. Anyone who has had trouble conceiving is on the same path has the same struggles. In the end they all want the same thing.....a baby. The number of failed attempts does not make one persons struggle heavier or worse than the other.
I'm truly sorry that that person had to take their anger out on you. Its quite obvious that she is angry and hurting but at some point she's going to have to let go of that pain. I lost my daughter at 28 weeks. I wasn't angry and mouthing off at people I didn't know. Where was that gonna get me?
This is your blog and you will conduct it as you choose. Who is she to judge you or even say that your struggle wasn't a struggle.
I commend you for your response. I commend you for the way you handled the situation.
I truly hope she finds the support she needs to resolve her anger issues.

C said...

Everyone has posted such eloquent responses.. I have no such response.

Neena: I don't care what you've been through, take your hateful @** and get away from this wonderful person's blog! You need help and trolling blogs isn't going to make any of your problems go away.

Jay, I *love* your blog, it has brightened the darkest of my days and I hope you continue to share your life/thoughts with us.

Anonymous said...

As someone who is going through the long, draining process of trying to conceive a child, I find your blog and its archives to be funny and oh-so-easy to relate to. It's really great to see that you are finally making your way through the 9 months! I'm so happy for you! You inspire and give hope to all of us who are trying that yes--someday we'll get to our happy ending.

Please don't worry about the bitter posts of people who have the audacity to attack you. If they don't want to read what you have to say, then they can stop anytime! I'd love to hear more about your experience, and hope that you won't spend any more of your time responding to those angry few. Most of us are here supporting and appreciating you! Yay Jay! Yay baby boy on the way!

Joanne said...

Scanning through the comments I think it's all been said. Jay, thank you for sharing. Keeping it real, it CAN be hard reading about a fellow infertile's pregnancy. Happy for you, of course, but being honest, a tiny part wonders when I'll have my own news to share. In the meantime I count my blessings and look to the positive. Being infertile sucks, big time, but it's also not all we are. Sending love and light to Neena. As much as we talk about the negativity in her response, this is clearly a woman crying out and in pain. Neena, seek the help you need to heal.

Laura said...

Hi, I'm stopping by a little early from ICLW(#69) and I'm glad I did. I felt so much hate from that comment by Neena that it took my breath away. I am sorry that she is grieving and had to express it like that! I spent a very short time on the IF train, before I got pregnant, but I hated every minute of being on it. I think that just like each person has their own level of pain tolerance, there is a tolerance for life and for things that happen in our lives. Some deal with losses (people and otherwise) in strong ways, others get consumed by them. To each their own, and no one should be attacked for their feelings. I think we as humans want to be validated and supported, not broken down. Compassion should be shared, not witheld. Hopefully, Neena will come out of the other side of her struggle.

Anonymous said...

The thing is, Neena has every right to think of herself when she hears of another's pregnancy. I think most of us do it, I know I get a tightness in my chest if I hear an announcement. The difference is that I don't feel the need to hurt that person just because my heart aches for myself. I couldn't be happier for that person. It's the freaking goal, isn't it? For us infertiles to get pregnant? I can't tell you what hope (and some chest pangs) it gave me to see that your IVF worked. I hate that you are getting crap for this. If people don't like it, they need to stop reading, instead of ordering you to do something.

My own story is now involving the decision to stop trying after nearly 2 years. I know all about the pain of infertility, the emotional side and the physical side. I have very aggressive Rheumatoid Arthritis. With med stoppage in order to TTC, my body has been going down at an increasing rate. At this point, I am in extreme pain and could soon be in a wheel chair. For us, right now, that is just not worth it. I need to be healthy, and we need to explore other options.

Please, please do no stop writing because someone else is telling you to. Make a decision for YOU. Know that there are supporters in the infertility community out there cheering you on. You give us so much hope! Thank you.

Stephanie (posting anonymously because blogger is a byotch)

Valerie said...

I wanted to update my previous comment to include the news that Rosie Pope is having her third child. Some of y'all may not know her but she stars on a show on Bravo and has made no secret about her struggles with IF. She had to do numerous rounds of IVF to have her first two children and just recently announced she is pregnant on her own with her third child. Does that make her any less of someone who has had to struggle???? I am still so angry with Neena's comments that I could spit nails. The ultimate goal with IVF is a healthy child, right? Who cares how you get to the finish line.

Kyra said...

aaaaaaaaand now you know what a lot of people already know. "Infertiles" can be bitter, bitter, angry, hateful women. This crap is what pregnant women have been hearing forever, and I'm sorry you are hearing it too, but I guess: "welcome to the club"

CS said...

I have to admit, I am only still reading because you make me laugh every time I read. And that's good enough. :) You are not obnoxious about being pg, which I appreciate.

LJ said...

I recently read a post titled "Once an IFer, Always an IFer". Yeah, some infertiles go through "more" hell. But at the end of the day, it sucks, plain and simple. We all want to be pregnant, but we're not. And the stories, the trials and tribulations are what bring us hope. Or at least for me, I get hope. I need it. I need to know that other infertiles get pregnant, have babies, and become parents. Because if I try to imagine a world where I struggle for the rest of my life, I want to die. So thank you for giving me that little piece of hope. Because a life without it is one that I don't want to live.

Rebecca said...

Jay,
I began reading your blog in January 2011. My husband and I dealt with infertility and its devastating effects on our marriage, finances, and friendships for 3 years. Although I am pregnant now, it was a journey I will never forget. Your pregnancy gave me hope as I went through IVF that I would be successful. I am shocked by Neena and similar commenters. Just because you are pregnant now does not erase the pain you went through to get there. I think you should keep the blog. If people do not want to read it, they should avoid your blog. Honestly, I think it is nice to read a blog written by someone who did not get pregnant on her first try. Thank you for your honesty, and do not quit writing!!!!
Rebecca

Kristen said...

I'm sorry you get such angry comments, but you handle them with such grace.
I am in my second trimester after a long struggle with infertility and when I was still struggling I had trouble reading about people who were pregnant and I just stopped reading those blogs for a time...no big deal. Now that I am pregnant I still feel connected to a lot of people still trying whose story I have been following and try to be supportive because I genuinely care about what is happening to them. I also blog about my pregnancy now but still feel much more connected to the IF community...wherever people are in the process...than to just regular pregnant ladies who haven't been through anything to get where they are. IF is part of who I am and it always will be...being pregnant doesn't just erase all that went before.
In terms of what you should do, I would keep right on blogging, here in this space. There are lots of us who care and are very interested in how things are going and don't want to kick you to the curb just because good things are happening to you. :)

Brave IVF Girl said...

Way to garner the crazy number of comments, lady!

Chiming in late here (although I was early on twitter, I think. :)

She's nuts, you rock.

Many people have said true things in the comments: once an IFer, always an IFer; yes, there is 'worse'; no, comparing pain and journeys isn't helpful.

It can suck to read a pregnancy blog when you're still struggling (trust me, I've been there plenty of times), but it's the onus of the reader, not the writer, to step away and close the browser. Your journey is just that, *yours*, and you've continued to be funny and truthful and snarky as yours has progressed into a new phase.

shocks said...

This is the first time I've read your blog. I don't know you or anything about you other than what's written in your profile. I feel very bad for Neena and hope she is able to better deal with her issues rather than posting nasty comments on someone's blog. I am infertile and have continued to read blogs of those who have been able to conceive because they do give me hope! You should absolutely not change the title of your blog unless you want to! If someone doesn't like it then they need to keep on clicking! You now have a new follower! :)

Stefanie said...

I don't think that the thought and the heartache one endure ever goes away, nor do I think that because one person has gone through more than the other that you need to feel that YOUR OWN Blog is not the place where you can share your own thoughts, feelings and what ever you feel like sharing. I believe that if people feel uncomfortable with reading content on a blog, that they should stop to follow and move on… It’s all about choices!

~Stopping by for ICLW #14

babywithatwist said...

Stopping by from ICLW (not participating yet; just trying to meet new folks). I can understand Neena's pain though it's something I would never verbalize to anyone else on their own blog, but I certainly don't think you've had it easy and you have every right to blog about your hard-faught-for pregnancy. She has every right not to read it. Once an IFer, always an IFer. Treatment is a crapshoot - for some, it's the first dose of Clomid that brings success while others endure several IVFs and still others for whom treatment unfortunately never works. It sucks, but it is reality. Don't let anyone stifle your voice.

Katie said...

Stopping by from ICLW ;) I think its obvious that Neena is writing from a lot of pain. I won't go into what I've been through, because honestly, I would probably lose that contest, but at the moment I am still childless. I think the important thing to remember about IF is that it is such a vague term and means many different thins to many different people. IF rarely means "Oh, you're infertile, you can never have a baby by any means." Otherwise what are we all doing. We all go through all of this in hopes that one day our family will grow. But if that takes 2, 3, 5, even 10 years does it mean at the end of it all, we are no longer infertile? Certainly not. Those months/years/decades don't take away the hurt and loss associated. And, more times than not, I think most IFers will stress through the duration of their pregnancy because of all that has led up to it. I want to encourage you to keep writing, because something you say will strike a chord with someone who really needs to hear it. We are finished with IF treatments and are in the middle of the adoption process. Does this mean I should no longer write about IF, I think not. Once and IFer, always and IFer. God bless!

Sarah said...

My mouth is actually hanging open after reading this letter. Like I am a little shell shocked. I only did one IVF, and it gave me Henry. I followed it up with two FET's that failed. I would never think I don't understand infertility or that I should be ban from talking about it because I am now a parent.

I am really glad this reader didn't stop by my blog when I was pregnant or now. I mixed in infertility, pregnancy and parenting talk ALL THE TIME. She would really hate me.

Heather said...

I think in life we have choices. Be miserable and selfish, or be so full of joy that you can be happy for them, even when they have something that you don't. And then you will see how life will open for you.
I think this a common theme in the IF world: even if you don't have your baby yet, you need to be happy for those that do, I mean when it does happen to you, do you expect people to desert you? And this is not about who has more pain. We all have our problems. There will always be people who have more or less than you.
After more than 5 years of infertility, I'm pregnant. And I'm not changing my blog title.

Anonymous said...

Jay,

I started reading your blog during one of my many 2 week waits and at the time I was so touched that you would put yourself out there with such honesty. I am sorry that you have taken so much abuse for this post now. I am amazed that not only would someone hate you for writing about the other side of the journey, but that they would express it. You should be commended for opening up during this whole process and try (if possible) to not take the negative and mean posts personally. I am with you that if someone gets so upset by your posts that they send hateful messages they should just stop reading it. Thank you again for your humor and honesty and best of luck during the rest of your pregnancy. Sincerely, Jill

Kelly said...

Wow what a doozie! I can't help to feel sorry for Nena. We all express our hurt in different ways but to imply that pain is equal to the number of tries or length if time spent TTC is simply not realistic. None of us have the right or the ability to judge one another's pain. Keep writing. For every Nena, there are hundreds of Kelly's who enjoy your writing.

eighteenyears said...

You know, I'd like to make excuses and say I feel sorry for this Neena. But I don't. She made the choice to write a hateful mean response to a sweet person who is giving hope to many of us in the midst of infertility. When she says "YET" at the end of this message, she's crossed over into a just plain mean person. And, in life and in infertility and in pregnancy, there's just plain and simple no reason to tolerate mean.

Rain Child said...

My husband and I struggled with IF for over three years. We've just adopted our son. After everything we went through, I still have pangs of jealousy when I read that a blogger has gotten pregnant. However, that jealousy lasts all of a minute, maybe. Then I realize that we all struggle in our own ways to become parents. And every time one of us becomes a parent, the rest of us should share in that hope.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of a lot of negative comments, you've handled this brilliantly! Whatever pain the commenter is/was going through is not on your shoulders.

Mrs. S said...

I'm terribly sorry that she has suffered to the extent that she has, but haven't we all? Did her level of suffering give her license to unleash her bitchy hate-filled rants when ever she feels the need? She probably sits in the OB office and yells at the pregnant women that come in there too.

Don't take it personally and please don't stop writing. You have just as much of a right to blog about your life and experience as she does to be bitter and angry at the world.

Julia Lynn said...

Jay, (part one)
I was praying for you to become pregnant while in the midst of my IVF 2ww; I was praying for your pregnancy to be successful, safe, and healthy even as it became apparent that my IVF failed; and now that I am pregnant through FET, I am STILL praying for you to have a healthy pregnancy that leads to a take-home baby and a life full of joy raising your precious son! (Just wanted to put that out there so you know my prayers are countering that lady's horrible hope of loss for you. That comment she made was beyond evil, so I'm redoubling my efforts in prayer for you) ;-)

Let me point out (as others have): Just because an infertile couple becomes pregnant doesn't mean they are no longer infertile! Why can't people wrap their brains around this? Maybe some people struggling with IF truly only dreamed of ever being pregnant once and only having one child, but that's not typically the case for most couples wanting to expand their families.

In talking with many women who have found a resolution (of sorts) to their infertility, I have come to this conclusion:
No matter HOW your infertility is "resolved," whether through adoption, fertility treatments, or choosing to live childless, there is still the monthly reminder, the running-into-parents reminder, the seeing-pregnant-bellies reminder, the longing in your heart reminder that you struggle with infertility. It is RARE (although we do hear of it) that a couple struggles with infertility until their first pregnancy and then no longer has issues becoming pregnant.

I have spoken with women who've adopted and women who have children through IVF, and they all attest to the fact that even late into their 40's, they still feel pain at the arrival of AF, they still have hope that "maybe this month will be different."

Others I know would LOVE to expand their families beyond the one child they have, but are not financially able to pursue another adoption or another medical treatment. They are STILL infertile! They just happen to have the privilege of raising a child.

For many (myself included), infertility extends beyond just wanting to raise a child. The desire to have another life growing and developing inside of them, to experience the mystery of pregnancy, reaches to the very depths of their souls and becomes a defining factor in who they are as a woman. To realize that they will never have that opportunity causes a very real part of them to die. Even if they have the joy of raising a child, that longing to carry a child to term will ALWAYS be with them...it is intrinsic in who they are.

I have heard fertile people and infertile people alike make the assumption/assertion that once pregnancy or adoption of a child is accomplished then the struggle of infertility is complete. A type of "cure" as Dead Cowgirl so aptly put it. But Dead Cowgirl is right on in her statement that infertility doesn't end there!

Julia Lynn said...

(part two)
I remember, early in my struggle, how dumbfounded I was when my friend who has two children through two separate IVF's (of many) told me that she still thinks each month, "Maybe this time I'll be pregnant naturally." It was very eye-opening. At that time, I was so focused on achieving pregnancy...on "fixing" what was wrong with me, that it hadn't occurred to me that the struggle doesn't end with pregnancy and a take-home baby. But, regardless of what faith a person subscribes to, we all believe in a type of miracle (even if we don't label it as such), so we all have that tiniest of tiny voices that against all odds says, "maybe...just maybe."

Even as a now pregnant woman, I consider myself a pregnant infertile. And believe it or not, I STILL struggle (in the midst of pregnancy) with many of the same things I struggled with before. I still get pissed off at people on Facebook for posting ridiculous amounts of sonogram pics or making their profile picture a picture of their baby (whether it's inside the womb or outside of it)...I mean, seriously, if you friend request me and I don't know your married name and I can't tell who you are because you posted a picture of a baby and your account is set to private, I'm going to decline the request. But beyond that, you are not your child! (see, it pisses me off)

I found that I was jealous of a pregnant woman I encountered at the mall who was juggling two toddlers (of different ages) while trying to maneuver around her big belly to snag their arms, even as I was entering the mall to buy skirts that would "grow" with my soon to be expanding belly. I was surprised by my jealousy, but realized it was because it came EASY for her and she had NO IDEA how many people out there would trade places with her in a heartbeat and smile at their children instead of scowling and yelling.

I realize that not all people who are pregnant or have children are thankful or happy because it causes a huge strain in their life, and while I try to understand that everyone has a different struggle to deal with in life, it still HURTS to hear comments from them because I know the pain of LONGING for the children they wish they didn't have.

The reality is, everyone's journey in life is different. And everyone's journey through infertility is different. Wearing the label "infertile" doesn't mean you fit into a cookie-cutter mold! What it means is that you understand. That understanding is what binds us together. Weeping with those who weep, even if we haven't experienced exactly what's causing them to weep, mourning with those who mourn, even if we haven't experienced the exact same loss as they have, rejoicing with those who rejoice, even if we don't have the same object of joy in our own life....that's what this community does so well....that's how infertiles are there for each other whether they've endured 14 months of IF or 14 years, whether they've had any treatments or not, any successes or not. We are THERE for each other.

Julia Lynn said...

(part three)
As for your blog, I've been dealing with similar questions of my own. I too (as you do) know the pain of reading the pregnancy posts of women when I've been in a difficult place in my infertility. But I just chose to stop reading for a bit until I was in a place where I could go back. So, I'm hoping that's what readers will do with me. I think the name of my blog works for pre and post pregnancy, so I'm not concerned with changing it. I figure people can read the "about me" part of my blog and decide if they consider it worth their time to read what I write or not. I think your blog is wonderful and I often find myself wishing you'd post more frequently ;-) (no pressure) If many people have indicated (besides this mean lady) that the title was misleading to them, perhaps you could add "surviving" to the beginning or "is over" to the end. But since your blog legitimately addresses the trials of enduring the 2ww and since that may not end for you with this pregnancy, I say keep the name and let people use their brains and good judgement. Clearly Neena lacks good judgement.

And, for the record, I will say again, I think you were wise to speak to your relative. Very wise. Clearly Neena also lacks wisdom. I wouldn't take her words to heart.

Okay, my rambling is over. You are dearly and deeply loved by MANY, including myself. I wish only the best for you and am thrilled for you in your pregnancy!

ifserenitynow.com said...

Wow. Yours is the first blog I clicked on to start off ICLW and what a surprise it was. Another blog I follow had a similar situation and she asked us all to comment too.

I am appauled that some people don't understand the concept of not reading a blog that isn't up their alley. If it is to positive, move on. If it makes you jealous, move on. No one is making you read it.

The point with IF is that everyones story is different and just because you didn't suffer as much as someone else does not make your journey less important.

Thanks for sharing and hopefully she goes elsewhere as her attitude is not needed in this forum.

Kanis said...

Holy f*ck. I'm sorry you received such an email. Obviously "Neena" is in pain and is lashing out at you. But seriously, what's with the one upmanship on pain? IF hurts no matter what stage you're at - whether it's your first failed IUI or your 5th failed fresh cycle. Infertility feeds off your soul. We're all a little damaged by this process.

I for one am so happy that you got to join that "Club". It gives me hope. And, hey, if I don't get to join, I'll still enjoy your blog. Just imagine the stories you'll have to tell about breastfeeding and diapers!

Anonymous said...

I feel for her,but am thrilled for you! I have been blessed to be a mom (1 time), but am now infertile...so much pain, but everyone walks through their own journey. Infertility is the silent pain!!! I am so happy you will get to be a mommy. It is truly life's greatest blessing. And for those of you still waiting, I am saying a prayer. I truly hope you get your baby! Tears and hugs to you all.

Lea

Melissa said...

I'm going to start with saying that I only read a few comments... It's safe to say that this post & message have stirred up an ongoing conversation.

I now have a 3 month old baby and a feel very blessed and thankful that she's happy and healthy. My road to pregnancy wasn't what many of yours was. It took me about a year but my doctor discovered within the first 2-3 months that I wasn't ovulating on my own and luckily she was very proactive. With a few months of infertility treatments, temping, and lots of hoping I was finally pregnant. I'll be the first to admit that my journey was not as long, frustrating, or heartbreaking as yours but it was still heartbreaking. Just like one of the earlier commenters said it's not a contest to see whose story is the worst. I believe if you face infertility, at any level, just as I did at any point in your life it sticks with you forever. I can't say I appreciate and love my daughter any more than I would have had I not had troubles getting pregnant simply because I couldn't imagine my life without her, I've dreamt of her my entire life, and the amount of love I feel for her is indescribable.

My opinion... Keep blogging, keep writing, keep telling us your journey. This is your story, every bit of it, both heartbreaking and uplifting. If it's too painful for "Neena" then she can simply stop following.

And yes, I agree... You deserve to vent when you need to. As much as any infertile wants to be pregnant and promises herself that she'll never complain the truth is that pregnancy is difficult. It's amazing, miraculous, and wonderful is so many ways but it's also still difficult.

Megan said...

"If you get pregnant after dealing with infertility, should you never speak of it again and pretend you no longer care about people still going through it as Neena suggests? "

No way, no how. I HATE infertiles who get knocked up and then become the totally insensitive "Look how cute my baby bump is!" woman. The woman who has no regard for those still struggling through infertility. I actually blogged about this very thing after a former infertile came on a board using her ultrasound as her profile picture. Totally insensitive.

ICLW.

Damita said...

Oh I am so sick of "who has it worse" game when it comes to trying for a baby, I don't know when it became a competition but it all over forums and blogs - I went through this and this, we are all in the same boat, why can't we be happy for a fellow infertile to get pregnant.

I am always super happy for the girls in the long term trying getting pregnant - feels me with hope, I dislike the girls who try once and there like omg I got pregnant who knew it was easy - just want to hit.

Post what you want hun, I'll still be reading..

Emily said...

I really don't like the whole who has it worse. I don't like to give or receive a pity party. I know it is hard for everyone and i bet here are people who are going through lots of stuff and may be in a better place than a person who had only gone through a little and vise versa. I am super happy for anyone who is pregnant, struggle being long or short. I love reading their blogs. Jes im jealous, but it's a time to be happy. All I know is we are all pushing for the same goal no matter what we are going through, BEING A PARENT.

barrenlazza said...

Hi there
It's so hard being an infertile who has never conceived before. I know and you know as we've both been there - for years.

Even though I have miraculously conceived and am now pregnant; I still view myself as being barren, or infertile.

That feeling will never go away. To be pregnant I had to have all kinds of intervention because I AM infertile. Being pregnant does not make me fertile.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can see Neena's side, and I can see your side. You both deserve happiness but also acknowledgement for your barrenness - you are just lucky enough to be pregnant. Hopefully Neena will be too one day.
x

MrsH said...

I have never seen so many comments, wow girl you are popular indeed! (says I a little jealous). Anyway, about Neena and suffering. Neena's story is a lot like mine, complete with the five IVF's and the 20 week loss. I also had a couple of chemical pregnancies thrown in for good measure. I don't think suffering is due to what happens as much as to what we think about what happens. Some people also have a more depressing attitude and they suffer more. I feel very bad for Neena, she is suffering deeply. Her comment is a reflection of that. One day, when she finds peace, one way or the other, she will think differently. But she is in a difficult painful spot right now. Hugs to both of you, you are both precious. And 3 IVF's is a lot of suffering BTW. One cycle on clomid that turns up negative is a lot of suffering. Every month when you are not pregnant and you so much hoped you would be is a lot of suffering.
ICLW www.asecondline.blogspot.com

Julia said...

You have over a hundred comments already and I haven't read all of them. And I'm not infertile and I totally get that that means a lot of people will take me less seriously. I did have a miscarriage. It was a pretty early miscarriage at 6 weeks. It was really painful for me, but I get that it's probably nothing compared to the pain you and some of your commenters have probably been through. But it was still painful for me.

Here's what I want to say. After the miscarriage, I was devastated. We were trying for several months (I know, drops in the bucket for many of you), and were THRILLED to learn we were pregnant. Only to lose the baby a couple weeks later. And a lot of my friends (some of whom had been suffering with infertility, others who'd previously had miscarriages) found out they were pregnant shortly after I had my miscarriage. And they waited a while to tell me and seemed really guilty when they did. The thing is, I was actually really happy for them. And it actually made me feel better. I'm sure it seems weird to some, but for me, it just reassured me that pregnancy happens. That there were plenty of women out there who had suffered through miscarriages and infertility. And they ended up getting pregnant and having healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. If they could do it, then there was hope for me!

I'm sure there are others who are reading your blog who feel the same way. Maybe there are people who are struggling with infertility right now and you're providing them with the hope that it can and does happen to others who have the same or similar problems! That's not to say they might not be jealous. While I was happy for my friends and encouraged by their stories, I was still a little jealous. But their stories still made me feel better. So for every person who your story hurts, you might be providing a sense of hope for someone else! Personally, I think you should leave the name the way it is or at least keep posting on the same blog. Your story is inspiring for many. And for those that it hurts, they can easily just stop visiting. You're not exactly hurting for visitors.

Kitty said...

You know what, you needn't explain anything to anyone as this is YOUR blog and YOUR space and YOU HAVE THE FREEDOM TO WRITE WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE. If Neena or any other bitter infertile is offended then THEY SHOULDN'T READ IT! No one is pointing a gun to their heads!
Secondly I just love the way that infertiles seem to FORGET that we are all on the road and path to falling pregnant. That's why we go through the treatment and all the hell linked to it - IS TO FALL PREGNANT! So why act so surprised and betrayed when one of us falls pregnant - that's the point isn't it? To fall pregnant? It's what we all want and what happens when the tables are turned and NEENA is pregnant???? Will she not expect people to be happy with her.....and does everything she's been through just disappear and become irrelevant??? Or is she too high up in the ranks of infertility to be dismissed from the club? For F man no one wants to even belong to the club anyway!!!!!..how the hell does she know that she will not have a moan here and there. I am very sorry for her loss and one cannot comprehend why such things happen....so this is why I say - NEENA YOU NEED HELP - YOU NEED TO SEE A SPECIALIST TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER AND BITTERNESS AND FRUSTRATION AND YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TAKE SOME FORM OF HAPPY PILL! YOU CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE IN SUCH ANGER TOWARDS THOSE THAT HAVE ACHIEVED THE ONE GOAL WE ARE ALL TRYING TO ACHIEVE - AND THAT IS CONCEIVE! SO DON'T BELITTLE JAY AND JUDGE HER - IT'S UNFAIR AND REFLECTS POORLY ON YOURSELF! YOU NEED HELP - AND I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE!

JAY - you are nothing but respectful and considerate and quite honestly i feel you don't need to apologise for anything. How dare anyone crit you now that you're pregnant when you were trying they all wished, hoped and prayed you would conceive??? It's superficial/tempramental/judgemental/hippacritical! (spelling!)

It just makes me so angry! I have been on this road for almost 4 years and have had to deal with ALOT - still am - but cannot take such ugliness - this is a form of support and if someone doesn't like it then STAY AWAY!


So please STOP apologising - this is your blog and you're entitled to write what you want - and if that means to have a moan then you do so!

Keep your honesty and the awesome posts and dismiss any further 'Bitter Betty' comments!

We love your blog and are HAPPY FOR YOU XXX

Kanis said...

I know I already posted but just wanted to add one more thing. "You can't please all the people all of the time." Yes, Neena is pissed because you're pregnant and she's not. And as you mentioned earlier, others have been lashing out as you as well. On the flip side, another fellow blogger decided to stop blogging because she kept receiving messages from random strangers calling her an "infertile c*nt" because she wrote frankly. Some people are just assholes. And some people are in so much pain that they don't realize how much of an ass they are.

Anonymous said...

Ugh - I'm annoyed that people are upset with you for being pregnant! I'm usually a reader and not a responder, but I had to let you know how your blog has helped me. I started reading your blog when I found out I had to go through IVF. I started way back from the first post. I knew that you eventually got pregnant and you provided hope that it can eventually happen. Your posts made me laugh and even cry (ok - maybe it was also the drugs). While some ladies seem to be "haters" towards you, I want you know that many more have seen your posts as a source of hope. So thank you. My only complaint is that you don't post enough!

Lynn said...

I just wanted to throw my two cents worth in here.

First of all, I don't think you ever lose that feeling of incompleteness that infertility leaves you with. However long it takes to get pregnant - the first IUI, the 8th IVF or never - that feeling is always there.

Honestly, we've not yet tried an IUI or IVF. We've only done 4 rounds of Clomid. But we have been trying for 8 years. 8 years of negative HPT's, 8 years of wishing and wanting and waiting only to be left empty. I understand the feeling and, however we become parents - be it biologically or via adoption - that empty feeling will never leave me. I don't think it leaves anyone.

So, while I can respect that Neena feels the way she does because she's suffered and and she's angry, I don't agree with what she had to say. I feel that you do have a place here and valid feelings and information to share. It gives me hope to see those in the infertile world who now find themselves gazing on better days. It makes me feel that those days may come for me as well.

I wish you the best and, whatever decision you choose to make about your blog, I hope you base it on what you feel, not on what someone else wants you to feel. This is your space and therefore is your place to lay out all the emotions that build inside you but are too private for the world your everyday world. It's your outlet.

Anonymous said...

I am just starting IUIs (with Letrozole and trigger) after 6 months of timed intercourse (only), and three months of Clomid. So, I am at the beginning of what I hope is a short journey through infertility. People like me need to hear success stories, and we need to hear that people can come through this- even when it takes a long time. People who find your blog to be upsetting, need to steer clear. The internet is a huge place.

Me. said...

I will have to say Valerie that this,

"It might be my 30 weeks pregnant hormones but I'm ready to fight someone. Shame on you, Neena!! Shame on you!"

was a very, very low blow.

nh said...

Infertility is not a competition - we shouldn't do 'I suffered more because...' we should be alongside each other and helping. If I read something that is hurting me because of the place I am in, I leave the blog.

I am infertile. I am parenting. Surely on my blog... my space I am allowed to write what I want. Surely you are allowed to write what you want.

I think it's like TV - If I am watching something and don't like something that is said - do I a) turn over or b) watch it till the end and complain? Me - I turn over and watch something else!

Your blog, your words, your space! Enjoy it and don't let other people's viewpoints stop that. They don't have to read. Yes there are many, many, people out there who are in a place of pain... but unless you are delibrately setting out to upset them, I don't see why anyone can complain!

Anonymous said...

You know, I am TTC and dealing with taking medications for it. I guess that this makes me unworthy to post? (according to Neena). I have had, in the past, jealousy feelings too about women getting pregnant, but... the advice I gave myself, and that I would also give Neena is that it's that anger and jealousy that contributes to preventing the pregnancy. Of course this is not a medical opinion, just my unsolicited 2-cents. Congratulations on your pregnancy, hopefully one day will be my turn as well! :)

Audrey J. Smittenaar said...

I must say, I have felt beyond upset and jealous of those around me who have gotten pregnant. (I'm sure all TTC women AND men have too) That being said, anyone who experiences any type of infertility can understand how hard it is. Whether you have not had success after 1 year or 5 years with several failed IVF's. Not being able to easily create a human being is horrible. It is painful, depressing, confusing and upsetting, especially for women. It is supposed to be our god-given natural right as a woman to conceive. So I can relate to feeling anger when finding out someone who was infertile suddenly pregnant. But becoming pregnant (at any stage of TTC) doesn't instantly mean they are no longer infertile in some form. The very fact that it didn't happen quickly meant you were infertile. And, just because you get pregnant and have a baby doesn't mean you can suddenly have five of them. That being said, I for one am very happy to hear your news. I don't know you and I JUST came across your blog today but the fact that you experienced infertility and finally received a BFP is inspiring. You have nothing to feel ashamed about nor do you need to cater to anyone's wishes. Being honest, sharing your news on your own blog is your right. If someone has a problem, kindly find the EXIT sign. Instead of posting a flat-out rude and hurtful comment over someone's good baby news, make your own post to vent and ramble. Congratulations on your baby boy! I am so happy for you, and the others out there!

caliopej said...

Holy crap! What a hate-filled outpouring. And what a terrible story behind it. I feel v sad for Neena. But I also think it's outrageous to say that this blog has no right to comment on the infertility experience. It's obviously different for anyone and often downright tragic. And it's all so unfair. Motherhood is not merit-based - all those parents out there aren't parents because they deserved to be. Many are great and many are terrible; it's like the great lottery of birth. Most of us reading this blog were born in countries where we've been given every opportunity in life; so many women are born into poverty in societies that give them no right to education and independence. We could all play the "isn't fair" game all our lives if we wanted to... but it would never make us happy. Someone else will always have more luck, more opportunity, more more more...

I hope you're ok Jay. I was trying my first round of IVF at the same time that you became pregnant. It has made me sad at times to think what could have been, but mostly your blog and twitters give me hope that it worked for you, and every day I see how you give support to your friends who are still trying.

gailcanoe said...

Wow, I would never in my wildest dreams imagine telling someone off as poorly as Neena did to you. No one is making her read your blog, so why doesn't she just delete your blog from her reader, delete the bookmark and move on with her blog-reading to something else?

As a woman suffering from unexplained infertility, I enjoy reading blogs from people that are still in the trenches, but I also enjoy reading blogs from people who have crossed over to the other side. And, even though my husband and I have given up trying to conceive, it doesn't mean that I won't always associate myself as an infertile woman.

I am here from Mel's weekly roundup.

Cattiz J said...

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Second, I find this reaction from Neena really sad. It surely comes from a place of deep deep sorrow, sadness and crushed dreams. Nonetheless, it's not something that she should take out on you, it would in my opinion be better to take that energy and seek the help she needs.

Third, It's up to each and everyone to continue to read or not when an IFer becomes pregnant. You said it so clear in your last post.

Found you through Mel's Friday Blog Roundup.

Heidi said...

oh wow. you are so patient and kind first of all to post this. second of all, i think it speaks to your understanding of the hurt that neena is feeling. because that's just it--hurt. i'll be praying for her. for you, though, i just want to hear about your excitement, joy, gratitude, etc!!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY, and that's AMAZING!!!!! i'm so excited for you and am loving going through this journey via this blog with you!!!!

Jules said...

And I thought I was a bitter & twisted infertile.


I changed my blog name (well I still have it but don't use it) from When's it gonna be my turn??? Why, because I didn't feel it was appropriate anymore. Saying that, I still feel the pain & hurt from the 5yrs of TTC(3yrs of IVF, 6 fresh cycles & 2 FETs). It's a part of me & although there are plenty of 'forgetters' around & others who are able to leave the past behind, I am not & can not.

TBH, I am one who even after all of what I went through, feel guilty that I have had success, when some of my friends have either given up, or are still going. Trying to keep in touch with them, while at the same time no trying to upset them with baby photos/talk.

I remember when reading IF blogs (before I finally got my BFP), how I would hurt when someone fell pregnant. It cut so deep. I even stop reading blogs of a few people who I really cared about. I just couldn't put myself through the pain. I suppose that's why I retired my IF blog & have since jumped around different blogs, not being able to find a home.

Before I felt apart of the IF world, but now, I'm not one of them anymore. I'm not one of the fertiles, because they still have no idea what I went through. I'm in limbo.

Since I'm going off track, I will say I can understand Neena's outburst, but if she doesn't want to read, then she doesn't have to.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

AlexMMR said...

W.......T.......F!

I'm not sure, but maybe I'm allowed to talk to her. 3 finished rounds of IVF, 3 rounds that were ended for one reason or another before the transfer, 1 twin pregnancy lost at 19 weeks, currently on day 3 of the 2WW.

So my history is almost exactly the same as her, AND I'm currently in the 2WW. Do I win a prize? Am I qualified to speak to those who have suffered as Neena has?

The infertility club is by it's very nature, temporary. Every single member of the club is working their asses off to get the hell out of it, so obviously some are going to succeed! Do all blogs need to shut down the moment you get a positive pregnancy test? No, seriously guys, I really need an answer here, I'm expecting to see that BFP in a couple of days.

And what does she expect, that a blog called the 2 Week Wait will indeed last a total of 2 weeks?

pork chop said...

OMFG! I wasn't able to read ALL the comments -- but to reiterate the others 1) It's not a contest to see who has had the worst IF journey 2) BFPs and babies give us hope 3) just because you've had a bad run doesn't mean no one else can have happiness. 4) If you don't like the blog, close the window and move on.

SHEESH. Therapy????

Slynn said...

Wow, everyone thank you for sharing. This blog is great and I don't see any reason for you to change the name just because of your own journey. No matter what, this is YOUR BLOG! These blogs are ours to share whatever the hell we want to share. I know it's hard as an IFer to sometimes hear of others who have achieved what you are constantly wishing you could achieve... but I think that we have to support one another and draw together through this journey. If it's too hard, take a break, like many people have said. But what I find, is that when I have been following a blog, I feel a bit connected to that person and their joy becomes my hope. We need to grab hope wherever we can. So thanks for continuing on with your story!

Melissa said...

we as infertile's all can bring our our stories to the table. but at the end of the day our goal in common is to have a child. we need to be happy for those who have graduated. this is a no brainer that neena is completely hurting and has not seen past her pain that we can and should be happy for those who have moved forward.

hollygandco said...

I just came across this today, 2 weeks after the original post, but I wanted to post my own comment. The thing that bothers me about trying to conceive is that it is so easy to forget what it was like when you first started trying, or first started to go through fertility treatments.

I know I'm not speaking for everyone, but the hardest year of my life was when we were trying every single month without knowing anything was wrong. Every month I would get my hopes up, and every month they would be dashed. It seems naive now, but that pain was real and valid, and the fear that began setting in over time, that something really WAS wrong, was debilitating.

It felt so good to finally be through that year and have doctors begin acknowledging and validating my fears, doing tests and finding answers. I didn't like the answers we got, but it meant I could DO something.

My husband runs his own business so we don't have medical coverage, and while living in Canada means that many health expenses are paid for, fertility treatments are not on that list, so when it came time for us to IVF with ICSI, we were paying entirely out of pocket, and went into debt to do so. We never even made it to transfer, and I was devastated. You have no right to say that I should have plowed on undaunted and cheerful simply because it was our first attempt. I was so upset that I went into a depression and was in a dark place for a while. When I started feeling better we focused our energy on adopting instead, our hearts always having been open to that route, but I never let go of wanting to get pregnant. There was a significant feeling of loss and frustration that the only things preventing us from more treatments was money.

Although the doctors said that we had a 2% chance each month of conceiving naturally, not to mention miscarrying, I have been blessed to experience two healthy, spontaneous pregnancies. YES I am grateful, and amazed, and so happy. But does that mean that infertility is behind me, that it doesn't affect me in any possible way, that I have crossed over and have no right to talk about infertility on my blog, let alone to other people? Absolutely not. It's a confusing place to be, not knowing your place in the infertility world, knowing that you have children and yet feel the constraints and sorrows of infertility.

My sadness for ANYone wanting to get pregnant and finding themselves unable is deep and profound, whether they have been trying 6 months or 6 years. I know what it is like to want to be pregnant and not be able to be. It is a helpless feeling, and I would be a fool to not keep the lessons I have learned from infertility just because I have children.

YVRunner said...

Wow - I haven't read the comments above...but just have to say this.

I am now on my 3rd IVF and rather than going on the IVF forums (which I did religiously last IVF), I wanted to get through #3 in a different way. I came across your blog, immediately read the fine print at the home page and immediately scrolled to the very beginning and started reading. I've been addicted, while at work haha, for 3 days straight. It gives me hope. I know that we all struggle, and hopefully we all get to where we need to be in the end.

If anyone is having an issue reading your blog, they don't know how to follow instructions. At the start, I knew you had a baby, but knew you had a journey to get there. I chose to follow your instructions, scroll to the beginning and start where you did.

So now, I only have joy for you!! I feel like I was there with you (albeit 2 years late) every step of the way and believe you deserve all the best! As do all of us IFers out there!

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KLS said...

I'm a few years behind and I've only just found your blog. However, I am on my own IVF journey and decided to go back and read right from the beginning. I'm not as far into my journey as most, having only just started, so I haven't suffered any particular loss yet. I can't even begin to imagine sending anyone the sort of hateful comments and emails you seem to have received. Just because you became pregnant, it does not diminish what you went through to get there. I understand that there are women hurting and unable to read about your successful pregnancy. The solution to that though is to stop reading. Being pregnant does not stop you having the right to speak about IVF and in my eyes it just provides hope for those who aren't yet there. I can't promise that if I have a few failed attempts I will still be able to read blogs where the focus has moved to pregnancy but I can promise that I would just stop reading until I was in a better place and not go out of my way to try and hurt someone else. To be honest if I'm in a place where I'm hurting and struggling I can imagine I won't want to read anything about IVF and merely escape from it as best as I can. Only a couple of hours ago I wrote a blog post myself about how supportive I had found the TTC/IVF community online and how it was the only place online that seemed free from bitchiness and insensitive comments so the response to your posts has saddened me somewhat.

Overall I'm very glad you continued to write your blog and I look forward to reading the next few years (and catching up to the present day).

Kelly
http://ivfjourney2000.blogspot.co.uk/

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