PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Body - The Enemy

In medieval times, when a knight went into battle, he would put on layers upon layers of armor. There were the small metal rings called a chain mail, a linen shirt, a pair of pants (as well as heavy woolen pads underneath the metal-ringed tunic), a bucket like helmet, his shield, a sword and on occasion, a battle hammer, mace or metal ax (should it be necessary). This is exactly how I feel when I get up in the morning these days... like I'm going into battle with my many layers of armor.

One of the many things that was made ABUNDANTLY clear while I was trying to get pregnant for two and a half years is that my body and I do not get along. Whether it was fertility related (follicle count, uterine lining, egg quality, etc.) or my general state of health (a bad knee, migraines, thinning hair or my inability to lose weight after a diet consisting of air and communion wafers), we never seem to be on the same page. If anything, we’re in two entirely different books. I’m in “Chick Lit” and my body appears to be in “Science Fiction”.

In addition to vertigo and gestational diabetes, in the past two weeks, I have had a slight yeast infection (yes, we’re discussing this), an even slighter case of hemorrhoids (yes, we’re discussing this as well) and my foot started to kill me. One night, I took out Monistat 7, Preparation-H and Icy Hot Heat (all doctor approved by the way) and stood in the bathroom to apply everything.

Should you EVER find yourself in this situation, let me give you a suggestion: Apply the Monistat first, then the Preparation-H and THEN the Icy Hot Heat. It’s impossible to get the Icy Hot Heat off of your hands once you use it. I’ll spare you the details but trust me when I say that I don’t care what harlequin romances say: It’s not always a good thing to have your loins on fire.

A week after this crucial error in cream application, I went to see a podiatrist to figure out what really was going on with my foot. With my OB/Gyn’s approval, he did an x-ray and it turns out that I have a stress fracture. How did I do this you ask? No one knows. The podiatrist is guessing that it was the fact that my weight is more "forward" and I dared to attempt to wear cute shoes. I stupidly thought if Beyonce could walk all over town pregnant in heels, so could I. The reality is, as the song says, if you like her, you should put a ring on it. In my case though, if you like me, then you should put a soft cast on my left foot for the next two weeks.

And this brings me to the acid reflux…

I love my husband… but you know what I love more than him lately? Tums. So much so that I’m considering writing a whole post that will consist of a full “food critic like review” on the various different flavors.

The acid reflux is worse at night so I’ve been propping up my head when I sleep. Between those extra pillows and the ones on either side of me, there is no longer room for my husband as I look like I’ve encased myself in a fortress of solitude built out of white cotton.

Every morning, I get up, literally climb out of my bed, take a Tums, drink some water, locate an outfit that is clean and looks like I gave a sh*t, check on my cast, check my blood sugar, put on a special designated sock to cover said cast, put both the cast and sock in an even sexier walking cast, wash my hands, apply creams (again, in an appropriate order), put on contacts, deodorant, make-up, clothes, hair extensions, a Poise pad (ahem) and then I usually take more Tums for good measure. By the time I get my huge pregnant ass with my broken foot down the stairs to head for work, I’m exhausted and want to turn around and go back home.

Then… this past Saturday… I started to itch all over. It was mostly my hands and feet but then it spread to my stomach, back, legs and arms. Thinking that it was my body officially deciding it was allergic to me, I applied some Benadryl lotion and went to bed. Luckily, I had an appointment with my doctor a day or so later and I mentioned it to her. She said it could be hormones, that my skin is just stretching OR it could be something called Cholestasis. Cholestasis of pregnancy is a condition in which the normal flow of bile in the gallbladder is affected by the high amounts of pregnancy hormones. Doesn't that sound perfectly lovely? One simply doesn't hear the word, 'bile' enough! They took blood to check my liver functions and the preliminary results show a slight elevation. Of course it did.

So, this is where we are at: I’m 36 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. The baby is doing well, my cervix is closed, the baby hasn’t dropped yet and he has no real plans to leave as of yet. However, we are doing repeat blood work next week and if my liver numbers continue to climb, I will be induced at 37 weeks. Am I nervous? A bit. Am I surprised? Not at all.

I can’t help but find this funny. After going through all of my many various fertility treatments, the fact that my body is still managing to dick around with me isn’t at all shocking. Seriously - if my arm just fell off for no reason or even if I woke up to find I suddenly grew a scrotum, I wouldn’t be remotely surprised. I’d laugh and say, “Oh Jay’s body! There you go again!!! You little prankster!!!!

What’s been REALLY funny are people’s expressions when they see me. I’m 9 months pregnant, I have a huge cast on my foot, I’m limping and although no one would say anything, I’m pretty sure I smell as if I’ve been pickled from all the f*cking Monistat, Preparation-H, Benadryl and Icy Hot I’ve been using. I’ve been trying to overcompensate for my lackluster appearance with make-up, colorful outfits and a big smile but really, that can only take me so far. Most people look at me and say, “Oh my god! Are you ok? Why are you out of the house? You should be home… baying at the moon from your bell tower! Quick everyone! Avert your eyes!!!

Until I get the final word from the doctor on what we’re going to do, I will continue putting on my many layers of armor whether it’s my air cast, my over-the-top bedazzled maternity shirt or a metal ax (should it be necessary). I know in my heart that as overwhelming, frustrating and comedic as this has been, when they hand me my healthy baby boy, I won’t mind it a bit. I've worked hard to get here and I'm going to be grateful even if I break every bone in my body. I just hope that my son has better luck with his body then I have had with mine...

26 comments:

JustHeather said...

Oh, Jay, I feel so bad for laughing at this post, but you've got a way with words! I'm truly sorry you're going through this all, but really, you're right around the corner to having your little boy in your arms!
Thinking of you!

Heather said...

I got a chuckle out of this post--mostly trying to picture applying ALL those ointments while on one foot.

The good thing is the heart burn will go away almost immediately after the baby is born--at least it did for me. The hemorrhoids...well, those will take a little longer.

Good luck next week!

Rebecca said...

Sorry but your post gave me a good laugh. OMG on the icy hot. I bet you can't wait for the next "little" thing to happen. At least you are learning to laugh at yourself when they do happen.

I've had a walking cast before, not very comfortable in Winter!

Hope your body soon heals.

Hope you have an easy labor and delivery. Good Luck!

M said...

I'm sorry that your body is giving you so much grief. It all sounds sucky. But you're such a good sport about all of it and I laughed my ass off as I read this post. (I'm joining Heather in the guilt-fest over that.) :)

Here's hoping that all goes well in the next few weeks that your body gives you a bit of a break.

KT said...

I shouldn't be laughing, but this is just too much when you put it all together!

If the Tums stop working, I would highly recommend charcoal pills (I use the brand Charco-Caps- found at CVS, Walgreens, etc). They are more natural and work like a charm (Tums don't work on me).

I hope you start feeling better soon!

Lanie said...

You have GOT to stop making me laugh out loud like this at work. You're going to get me into trouble.

I am so sorry about...everything. I love how you take it all in stride and just accept that your body hates you right now. Like how clumsy people just know they are mess. It's endearing.

Single Mom BB said...

You're my hero! Only you can be so miserable and not only laugh about it, but share it in a way that we can all laugh with you! You must be a sight! And such a trooper! Hope this is the last of the problems your body gives you before welcoming baby boy!!

Ellie, As Always! said...

My mom once mixed up icy hot and her hemorrhoid cream in the dark... Here's to crazy bodies. *cheers*

cwdurbin said...

Oh wow...you sound worse than I was! (I just had my little guy on Tuesday) I had to wear wrist braces for prego induced carpal tunnel (and still couldn't use my hands) and looked like a combo between a 90 year old and quasimodo trying to walk because of my little guys head placement for the last 4 weeks.

In the 3rd trimester my Dr approved Zantac 75 for my heartburn (horrible stuff) and I could still supplement with Tums. It worked wonderfully until my last 4 days. I would check on that. It at least helps with the sleeping aspect.

Good luck with labor (if you luck out it will be short with minimal pushing) It sounds like you deserve it!!

Articia said...

Haha, thanks for being the ONE person that doesn't brag about how glamorous pregnancy is. Seriously! You need your own sitcom...

Kerrirules said...

I thought I was the only person who got itchy while pregnant. Everyone I mentioned this to (including my doctor) seemed like it was such a unique symptom. I kept slathering myself with all these different oils (which helped a little) but then finally bought a cortisone cream to use (and went into labor before I even opened it).

I did love being pregnant after 2 years of trying, but it was nice to not itch and not have heartburn any longer!

(also just wanted to let you know I found your blog when I was on bedrest after ivf. I was so happy for you when you announced you were pregnant. Congratulations and good luck)

Kitty said...

I had a good giggle! Good luck with the home stretch of your pregnancy and may you be blessed with nothing but good health from then on out xxx

marwil said...

Oh god that sounds miserable all together. I'm glad you find the humour in it. So close to meeting your little boy now!

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh the heartburn. I hated the heartburn but loved me some pepcid (seriously, miracle drug and you can take 2-3 per day). But it does go away right after the baby is out. Like magic.
If it makes you feel better, I got shingles at 35 weeks. Because, you know, being enormous and uncomfortable wasn't enough, and so my immune system had to freak out on me. But you are almost there, and 37 weeks is fine -- B was born at 36 (oh yeah, I lost all my amniotic fluid) and he was just fine!

Natalie said...

It does seem totally unfair that your body is still giving you grief. After my struggle with IF, I also had a difficult pregnancy and difficult labor and delivery (not to scare you or anything). I just chalk it up to the fact that my body and babies don't mix. But I'm so glad that medical science was able to trick my body into carrying my DD, because having her in my life has made it all worth it. Hang in there, you're almost there!

Emily said...

I am sorry you are dealing with all this stuff at once, but this post made me laugh so hard! I really needed that today. Thank you. Hopefully everything will clear up soon and you will have some more comfortable time before the little boy comes. Good luck!

Secret Sloper said...

Sooooooo close. You are so so so close to bringing your baby boy home and having your life change in the most amazing way.

You'll also be surprised at the way your body responds to the recovery process. Hold on to the poise pads for a while. But 3+ months out, my body is basically back to normal and I feared it never would be.

I'm sure one day in the future you will look back at your pregnancy with fondness and miss it just a little. Though this post will set the record straight if you go back and read it again, I'm guessing.

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Good grief lady! What a process! I hope you can hang on for a couple more weeks!

Mommy ToBe said...

OMG! You're going through quite a lot! Good thing there are only a couple /few weeks left to go :)

Here from ICLW!

peleb33 said...

As always, you are a hoot and love your funny posts. You say what a lot of people wish they could say. You deserve a rest and it will come on Friday when you hold your little miracle... Like everyone has said it will be magical and unbelievable to hold your baby boy! I am looking forward to your posts about poopy diapers, spit-up and all the fun moments!!! Wishing you a great fews days and can't wait for your posts and pictures too.

gettingitsorted said...

Love the sense of humour about it all. I am completely with you on the whole, have no control of your body. You think if there was one thing in the world we could control it would be that!
Thanks for the laugh, but I do hope things go smoother for you :)
coming over from ICLW

Jodi said...

Just so you know the hemorrhoids never go away completely. Nice right? The baby is worth it but the body takes a beating it is never the same.

Anonymous said...

I am reading this at work and cracking up! I know exactly how you feel. (Well, not quite as bad as you. lol) Good luck! - Kristen

MM said...

Here from ICLW.
Oh dear. Icy hot is NOT fn when put in inappropriate places. I got it in my eye once. I thought my head would explode in flames. I don't think I'd like to know how it felt in other inappropriate places. I am sorry you've had such a hard road to your baby all the way through, but you're right. Once you have your baby in arms it'll be something to look back on and then be happy he's there with you. Hopefully you have better luck with your body in the future.
MM

christine said...

Wow! Sounds like you are having quite the pregnancy! I'm proud of you for laughing at it! And I'm sure you look absolutely adorable :).

ICLW #75

Willow said...

I had a pregnancy-induced stress-fractured foot too, and was hobbling around in the boot, and no one believed me when I said it's a fairly common problem! So I'm glad to have found at least one documented case of a fellow sufferer :) The good news is, nearly all of these crazy symptoms instantly disappear when the baby's out, which it sounds like will be very soon! So exciting!

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