PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow

Tomorrow, on January 27th, we will finally get to see and hold the result of my third in vitro. Two and a half years, five timed cycles, three IUI’s, two failed IVF’s and finally, the third IVF that went from 13 eggs to only one embryo to transfer; in all that time, I never got pregnant and we had little hope. Tomorrow though… the baby we struggled for, dreamed of and wondered if we would ever be able to have, will be here. I seriously need to check my driver’s license as I can’t believe this is actually happening to me.

As I mentioned in my last post, my doctor was concerned that I had Cholestasis and in fact, I do. In these cases, they do not let the pregnancy go more than 37 weeks and I will be 37 weeks EXACTLY tomorrow. My doctor called me this past Monday morning to tell me the diagnosis, to immediately give me medication (Ursodiol for those who are interested) and to discuss our options. She said she could try to induce me on Thursday night but since the baby hasn’t “dropped” and that my cervix is hard and closed (much like my boss), she felt that there was more than a 50% chance that I would end up having a C-section anyway.

After a long conversation, we decided to skip inducing and just schedule a C-section for Friday. My logic was if the odds are we were going to end up there anyway, why torture myself (and possibly the baby) for 24 – 30 hours waiting to see if we could force my body to cooperate. My body has rarely listened to me in the past so why it would start to now is beyond me. Also, if nothing else, this makes me feel less guilty for dropping out of my birthing class.

I realize some of you may not agree with the decision to get a scheduled C-Section and I genuinely respect that. To me, even though the thought of surgery scares the bejesus out of me, given the circumstances, it’s what I feel the most comfortable with. Both my doctor and I agreed that if perhaps the baby seemed more ready to go or if there were any sign from my body that it was at least close to delivering, we’d opt to see what would happen with induction. However, since it seems like my son is perfectly happy where he is and has no intention of leaving anytime soon, and he unfortunately has to, this seemed the way to go. As I said to her before, I don’t need the experience of labor. I just want my baby safe and sound.

Given all of this, we went from thinking we had three weeks to prepare but quickly, it became whittled down to only a matter of days. My gestational diabetes diet and my soft cast immediately went out the window (I’ll just use an ace bandage and sometimes cupcakes can be medicinal) and I began cramming for parenthood. While I watched a DVD on how to breastfeed, washed baby clothes and Googled pediatricians in the area, my husband rushed to put various baby items together and get the car seat installed. It’s simultaneously funny and scary to me that there are things I put away in my changing table that I don’t actually know what they are or understand how I use them yet. I’m trying to comfort myself by remembering that other than diapers, a place to sleep, the car seat and my boobs, I have everything I need.

I’m sure a fertile person would currently be talking all about the nursery, or baby names, or the cute little outfits they have picked out but more than anything, I think I’m just so in awe that I’m having a baby. Years ago, I remember thinking, “The question isn’t if I’ll be a mom. The question is how I’ll be a mom.” Thanks to medical science and a huge amount of luck, that quote turned out to be very true. I may not have gotten here the usual way but I still got here… and I almost can’t believe it.

It’s important to me to add here and now that after my experiences and hearing others experiences, I can never flatly say anything quite like, “Don’t lose hope!” or “It’ll happen for you!” because I know the reality is that things don’t always work out like you expect. I even still contend that “hope” in general can be both a good and evil thing. However, I want to say specifically to those of you who are still struggling to be mom… if there’s anything to be learned from my journey (other than always get a second opinion, remember to talk to your husband about things other than your cervical mucus, bikini waxes are important and don’t use Icy-Hot on your private parts), it’s that even when you don’t have any answers (as we never had a diagnosis nor have we ever found out why we didn’t get pregnant the ol’ fashioned way), even when it seems hopeless and pointless and even when you think it’s impossible, you just never really know.

Ultimately, I’m not saying, “Everything will work out!!! Just relax!!!” What I am saying though is until someone says it’s impossible, there are still options and possibilities. As I said, if you desperately want to be a mom, it’s not if, it’s just how… and I truly, whole-heartedly want that for anyone who knows the pain of infertility. Once you know what that’s like -- how unfair, cruel, taxing and heartless it can be, you never forget. I seriously hold anyone who is still in the thick of it in my heart. It’s impossible for me to overstate how much I mean that.

When I announced that I was finally pregnant (see post here), I talked about how a positive pregnancy test was just “the second level” of my imaginary infertility video game. When I hold my baby tomorrow (who I desperately hope is happy and healthy), I will have reached “the final level” and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for following my story, for continuing to read the blog, for finding my uterus as amusing as I do and for all the supportive comments and emails. I plan to keep writing and sharing both about infertility and life as an IVF Mom (so to speak) and I hope you’ll all be there to share in the next chapter.

So, today may very well be the last day I’m ever pregnant. I know I can’t afford to do IVF again so unless an unexpected miracle happens, this may be it. I’m thinking of even taking a home pregnancy test just to see “Pregnant” one last time. I’m going to get pre-op blood work, spend time with my husband and see if I can quickly teach myself how to swaddle, change a diaper and burp a baby. I promise to check in as soon as I can but for now, as always, I’m sending each one of you love and laughter.

72 comments:

Cristy said...

Thinking of you during this time Jay. After everything you've been through, all the heartache and pain, the fact that you never let infertility turn you into a bitter person, says worlds about you and what an awesome mother you are. May the C-section go smoothly and may those first moments holding your son be filled with wonder and joy.

Brave IVF Girl said...

So very exciting. Thrilled you're about to meet your baby and hope everything goes smoothly!

Esperanza said...

Good luck tomorrow. I'm so happy you're finally at the gates of the final level and about to meet your little man! So exciting!

ousoonerchick said...

I am so so excited for you and I can't wait to hear about the birth and see pictures!!! Good luck!

TheThirtiesGirl said...

Best of luck tomorrow. Wishing you a fast recovery and a healthy baby.

Amy said...

Congratulations Jay! Your life is about to do a fantastic 180 degree turn. I had a C section with my son and realize it is actually a really tough decision to make. You are lucky you got to make it before you went into labor because it is a really hard one to make and even harder when you have been in labor for a while and you aren't thinking clearly. After having a C, I will tell you honestly, it was scary as hell going in, but it wasn't that bad in retrospect and since the baby hasn't dropped (mine hadn't either) he will be easier to get out and you should recover faster (at least I did). I always tell people that while a C might not be what you wanted or imagined, all that matters is the healthy baby and its not that bad.

Congrats again. I couldn't be happier for you

Tara dS said...

Best wishes for everything to go smoothly for you and baby boy tomorrow. Although parenting is very hard work, much, much harder than any work you may have actually gotten paid for in your life, you will find your baby is about a million times more demanding than your horrible boss, and you can say goodbye to any semblance of order in your home...despite all these things, you will love being a mother. And I do believe that those of us who have survived infertility and come out on the other side have a deeper sense of gratitude and amazement for the experience. Perhaps this is our reward for all the suffering we have endured. You deserve this. Enjoy your last day of pregnancy, and the many miracles that follow.

Emily said...

So exciting!!!! Good luck with everything. I will be praying everything goes smoothly!

babycrazykiwi said...

All the best for tomorrow. As far as having a c-sect your body your choice and you have to do what's best for all involved. I'm terrified of ever having to get one so I think anyone who does is amazingly brave! I'm still struggling to be a mum but I totally think like you...its not if but how!

Anonymous said...

I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS on being so very close to the sweet reward for all your work!! :-)

Nic said...

Good luck! Really hope all goes well! X

Dead Cow Girl said...

First, your dr was being generous when he said 50-50. Don't, for a second, feel bad about booking a c. Inducing causes a long painful labor on a va y that may already be a bit stressed. And then more often then not yes, ends in a c.

Second. Some people like icy hot on their genitals. Enough to pay me to do it.

Have a great last day with your boy. And an even more amazing first day with your boys.

Hoping.Wishing.Praying said...

Wow, I only started following your blog yesterday but reading this post was so emotional! Beautifully written and truly touching - I wish you all the best and can't wait to follow your journey as a Mom to your cheeky chap! xx

My New Normal said...

I think a scheduled c-section is a great idea. In the end all you want is a healthy baby, it doesn't really matter if you push or not. You just want to have the safest delivery for both you and your baby.

*So says me who at 18 weeks already knows I'm having a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks!! : )

Kitty said...

Good luck Jay!!! Here's wishing you lots of light love and happy memories. May you have a healthy delivery and may your boy be healthy and happy....and don't worry they say that all the rest comes naturally. Please don't stop writing and keep us updated xxx

Clara said...

I don't see who could disagree with the idea of you having a scheduled C-Section... first, it is YOUR choice and second, it totally seem like the sensible thing to do in the circumstances. Hope you have a relaxing day today and all the best for tomorrow! Keep us posted!!!

Brittney said...

Congratulations! I hope all goes well tomorrow. I've been following your journey for a while and I think you always handle talking about it in such a sensitive way. I think everyone really appreciates that, I know I do. I will continue to follow and see how motherhood goes for you. So happy to see this happy ending for you!

Kate said...

I'm so excited for you! This has been a long, hard road but tomorrow will make all of the struggles worth it. And don't feel the need to defend your c-section decision. I would have done the same thing, but even if not, it doesn't matter--it's your body and your baby, so you have to do what feels right for you. Good luck!!! A whole new chapter in your life is about to begin!

Briana said...

WOW! What exciting news that you will meet your son tomorrow. I'll admit, I'm a bit jealous (but not of all of your ailments). I still have 7 more weeks till I meet my little girl. Hopefully she comes on time. :)

Infertile Days said...

i'm so happy for you! looking forward to the after pregnancy post, and some baby pics!

kkasun said...

So exciting!!!!!
I completely commend you for doing what you think is safest for you and yur baby.
My doctor asked me if I got pregnant to have a baby or a natural birth and that did it for me!!!
I wound up going into labor naturally but my only request was that if it ever looked like I was headed to a c section to just go ahead and do it rather than prolong labor and have it anywyas!
Good luck, can't wait to see litle man!!!

missohkay said...

In honor of your infertility video game, I think when you get nervous tomorrow, you should just turn to your husband and sing your favorite video game ditty. Like do-do-do-do do-do (which is obviously the Mario Brothers 1, level 1-2 song). You will do great and I can't wait to meet your son!

Courtney said...

I had a scheduled c-section too.... And let me tell you, it was great! What I loved about it was being able to fully enjoy what I knew were my last few days of pregnancy. I LOVED being pregnant and was sad knowing that that was coming to an end. But I got to truly relish those last few movements of my boy in utero without any pain or drama, and that felt like such a special gift after my long journey to motherhood (very, very similar to yours).

Enjoy your last day! And enjoy that new baby! I am crazy excited for you!!!!

Jenn and Casey said...

Wishing you so much luck! Can't wait to see the little guy!

Heather said...

Love your post title! Best wishes to all three of you. Good luck with the c-section recovery. I have no experience in that area, but I hope it goes smoothly.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Broedkipje said...

Beautiful story. I wish you all the luck and joy in the world for tomorrow. Get that son out! He's due in your arms!

Still hoping said...

Hi Jay! This is my first time ever reading your blog, I ran across it through Cristy's at Searching for our Silver Lining. And I'm glad I did.

I only made it about halfway through this post before I started crying! Good tears though! You so beautifully expressed the differences of where you are in this process as opposed to those that it so easily happens for. Just in awe of the whole process and the fact that it really is happening!

I laughed with you when you said you weren't quite sure about half of the baby items and what you were really supposed to do with all of them! The truth is you will be a wonderful mom because with everything you've been through you understand the blessing that you'll soon be holding - and nothing else matters.

Congratulations to you and your hubby, soak up every ounce of this you can and enjoy every second. I'm looking forward to following along on the next steps of your journey from someone who has faced IF and won!! xoxo

kateypie35 said...

I have had 2 scheduled c-sections for medical reasons, and anyone who has an opinion on that can cram it. And giiirrrrrl, lay off the cupcakes. (coming from someone who had GD twice). I am so excited and happy for you. Do you think we could get a picture...maybe of his sweet toes or something? Newborns are so scrumptious.

nurslouisa said...

Good luck!!! Nothing wrong with a c-section as a healthy baby is the goal!!! I'm so psyched for you this is the beginning of a wonderful adventure.

ceecee867 said...

So freaking excited for you :)

@lozzi84 said...

I am so excited for you right now. Tomorrow you will complete the video game but then will move straight onto the sequel, it's more levels and new challenges.
Just FYI all the best people are born on January 27th (like me lol)
Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you all as you complete your journey to parenthood x

Lulu said...

I feel so honored to have followed along on this journey with you. I remember rooting for the lone embryo that will become your son tomorrow. You gave me hope while I was going through IVF. I'm so glad you'll forge the path of motherhood before me so you can write about what you've learned by the time I get there : )

irrationalexuberance said...

I love this post -- You can hear the anxiety and anticipation/ excitement. I had the "holy shit this is a month early we have nothing in the house at ALL" c-section, and it was just fine and less scary than I feared. Really, the best thing is that you get to meet the baby TOMORROW, which is life-altering. One teensy piece of advice, take a look at the breast pump today, too. Comes in handier than you would imagine. But diapering, swaddling, burping, breastfeeding etc? They'll teach you all of that in the hospital. Just ask questions and ask for help if you are overwhelmed. Keep us posted!

Detour said...

Jay, best wishes for tomorrow. I have been following your blog for some time and am overjoyed that you are at this point. Looking forward to hearing about the next chapter, too. Good luck!

Rebecca said...

So, so incredible!!! I love the title of this post. It just made me cry. I'm so excited for you guys. Sending all the luck and good vibes for a safe, quick C-section and an easy recovery with a wonderful SON!

newbie said...

Best of luck Jay! The end of a very long journey...

JustHeather said...

Beautifully written, Jay! Thank you for sharing such thoughtful and true words with us.
Good luck tomorrow with your delivery and waiting to hear how perfect your little one is.

EB said...

Hi! Here from ICLW (#103). I love this post too. This is kind of how I would imagine myself to be if I ever get to your point. First, I would be shocked to be pregnant again anyway. That shock would probably stay with me for as long as I'm able to be pregnant. And I will be facing a c-section if/when the time comes due to a uterine abnormality. So as far as not trying to force your body to deliver the old-fashioned way, tell anyone who gives you crap to shove it. Sometimes you just have to get her done. Good luck! I will check back to see how everything went.

Anonymous said...

Good luck! I think you're making the right call. I was 7-days past my due date with no signs of my body starting on its own. I was induced, and after 3 days of induction, we finally just had a c-section. A c-section to start with sure would have been easier!

And don't worry about the stuff you don't know (swaddling, burping, etc). The nurses are so generally so patient and helpful that they'll help you learn all that--in fact they won't expect you to know any of it. And you'll have a advantage (if you can call it that?) that you'll probably be in the hospital one extra day so more time to practice!

Only two comment about the recovery. After a few weeks, you'll be feeling pretty good and may be feeling like ignoring some of the restrictions on lifting, etc. Don't!!! Two of my friends did so and ended up needing surgery to correct torn sutures, etc. And take all the pain medication they give you the first few weeks, even if you don't feel like you need it. My doctor said you always want to stay on top of the pain, and she's right--if you wait too long or don't take enough, you'll feel like shit the whole day and it is certainly harder to take care of the baby that way.

We're rooting for you!

M said...

Best wishes to all of you! I'm so excited for your big day. :)

rachael said...

i love you and your blog and i'm so happy for you! i always look forward to your updates and i can't wait to keep reading about your baby boy and your family and your humor! please keep the entries coming! are you on twitter or facebook? godspeed tomorrow! :D

Dossett Duo said...

I am so excited for you Jay!! Praying for a smooth c-section and a very quick recovery!! Can't wait to see pictures of your precious baby boy! And read about your experiences as a mother.

Sarah B said...

Hope you have a great birthing experience even if it isn't the traditional way. I also had a planned C after IVF, and given the levels of medical science required t get the baby in, I was so fine with huge interventions to get him out. And yes I endured many pitiful reactions from my pro-natural birthing friends. I actually recovered much faster than most women I know who went into labor - labor is so difficult on the body (not that natural birth sholdn't be attempted when possible). Enjoy your last day of pregnancy; it's true, you just don't know what the future holds. I have really enjoyed reading your thoughts on IF and following you through pregnancy; now get ready for motherhood!

KeAnne said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow & can't wait to read how it went. And thanks for giving me something happy to think about - we are having the memorial service for my grandmother-in-law tomorrow.

Rita said...

Wishing you a healthy, safe delivery tomorrow, mama!

Don't feel like you need to defend your decision to have a c-section. My last baby was an unplanned c-section and my next one will be a scheduled c-section. You have to do what's best for you, your baby, and your health.

N said...

It feels like you are about to embark on some grand exotic adventure to some distant country for some reason. I want to wish you luck and throw you some sort of party. I am just so happy for you. This little man is going to be everything you always imagined and so much more.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow and getting excited to see the first glimpses of your new fella.

Natalie said...

Good luck tomorrow! I cried a little while reading this post because I've been reading your blog since the very first post and I'm so happy for you. Give him lots of hugs and kisses. It didn't matter what the birth story is, healthy baby is all that is important.

Kate said...

Huge dopey smile on my face over here, so happy for you all that you have made it to the "big event". Keep us posted with details and baby pics! And who the heck cares how the little guy gets here, healthy mom and baby is all that matters.

Stephanie said...

Oh so excited for you!!! :) Sending lots of love and hugs and prayers your way!! Can't wait to hear the good news!! :)

Rebecca said...

Yes, get the kid out of you safely. C-sections are sometimes the best way. Good luck! Hope you heal quickly and enjoy the baby bonding time.

sienna said...

good luck jay!! xoxo.

Monica said...

Good luck! I think your making the right decision. I can't wait to hear what you think of motherhood!! It's the best! Congrats!

Becky said...

How will you sleep tonight?!? How exciting that you will meet your little one tomorrow! Best wishes to you and your new family!

Jc "Teezie" Wooten said...

Best of luck. And an early congrats! You are doing what is best for you and the baby. You do you! Take care.

Jen said...

I am absolutely crying. You are amazing, and I can't wait for your son to be here. You so fucking deserve this, Jay. Love you.

acoursetothefinishline said...

Hi from ICLW

I actually needed to hear a post like this. We are headed into our first IVF cycle soon, and I am overwhelemed with anxiety as to whether it will work, whether I could pay for multiple cycles up front (or put on credit, who am I kidding?), whether I'm going to be able to handle it all.
Congratulations, momma. Your strength is inspiring.

Joys Truly said...

This was a great post. What really stuck with me was knowing "Until someone says it is impossible, there are options and possibilities." I've needed to believe that lately. So thank you. Best wishes for a healthy, safe c-section. Looking forward to hearing all about your lil one!

marwil said...

Congrats on having your son today, how exciting. It's such an inspiring story.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck tomorrow!

Jennifer (take the day off) said...

thinking of you..and by now your son is probably here! I hope it is better than you ever even imagined!

hobbyismyjob said...

Congrats! My baby is 10 days old today and I too had a scheduled c section, there were a few complications with her lungs and amniotic fluid in her belly that kept her in the nursery, because she was born 37w 5d(and a c section), but now everything is fine. My point is, the c section recovery isn't that bad when you have a beautiful little baby to motivate you to get up and out of bed and walk! I'm sure after everything you've been through it will be a breeze! Again congrats!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm reading this and realizing that by now you are a mom!!! Congratulations!! You made it! And I can't wait to hear how the first weeks go.

Anonymous said...

I'm so excited and happy for you...
Much love. xoxox
Erika

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time poster but just couldn't keep quiet at such an amazing time. All the best for tomorrow and a huge, genuine thank-you for being such an inspiration. If your little lad is anything like you he'll grow up to be smart, determined and compassionate with lashings a humour! Keep the posts coming.

Kate said...

Holy mother of...

Dying to hear the name :)

oh and I wanted to let you know that i referenced you in my latest post at...

http://infertileinafertileland.blogspot.com/

Hope everyone is happy and healthy. Post pictures of that little nugget soon.

Heidi said...

yip yip yip yip!!!!!! can't wait to hear from you next!!!!

Secret Sloper said...

I'm so happy for you, Jay. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon once your little family is adjusted to the new, wonderful reality.

Kathleen said...

I checked back just to see if there was an update....I hope it all went well and can't wait to hear how you and baby are doing!

Jodi said...

Yay. The best most emotional day of your life.
I had a c sec scheduled too with twins didn't want to risk all the bad things that can happen with wrapped umbilical cords around necks. It is really rough though because never in your life do you need to get up and move around more and you can't. It is really hard after surgery. I am a wimp though. Do they have something for your dh to sleep on? We had to bring an air matrress.

KT said...

Hope everything went well!! Can't wait for your next post. :-)

Jessica said...

Hoping for an update soon. I know your little guy is struggling and I know how hard that is to watch. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

So exciting!!

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