At present, I have an almost 7 month old baby (who is teething and waking up often in the middle of the night to make clear how he feels about teething) and I have embarked an entirely new career working with Fertility Authority. I also, by the way, really need to lose about 40 pounds. Each issue: New baby, new job, fat ass – could on its own be a full-time project. Still though, I do try to squeeze in exercise (does worrying count as cardio?), eat healthy (well, mostly), be a good and attentive mom (it’s 3am and you’re teeth hurt? Please… do go on!) and be the best damn worker I can be while learning everything on the fly. So, it goes without saying that I’ve missed having the time to write on the blog.
Let me give you a quick example of a recent incident that best illustrates the state of both my brain and my household. This past Friday, I came home after a long week and an even longer day. The nanny, Aggie, who is a lovely, sweet and quiet older woman, was sterilizing the bottles while my husband was getting MJ undressed for his bath. Aggie wished us a happy weekend and then left. So I went into the bathroom to prepare the bath. I looked and saw there was a big pile of poop in the toilet. I immediately lectured my husband on remembering to flush and he came out on the defense claiming that he didn’t remember even pooping that day. This lead to a 15 minute debate of us trying to recall who pooped last. Just as we became convinced that we each were in fact the poop culprit, I got a call from Aggie all upset. “Jay… I’m so sorry. I did something terrible. I used the bathroom and forgot to flush.” She was mortified but we were relieved to know we hadn’t lost our minds.
Actually, to be fair, after 7 months of parenthood, we kept calling it “poopies”. Yes. I asked my husband if he made poopies. I’m not proud.
It is without exaggeration when I say that going through infertility has sincerely helped me during this crazy time. As I’ve mentioned before on my blog, when I was cycling or going through one of my, “Why the f*ck can’t I get pregnant” depressions, my daily morning motto was, “What do I need to do stay sane today?” There is something about a full plate that can overwhelm you but if you try to remember that you’re doing your best and getting through it, it can be calming. That’s really all we can do – our best.
And really, even though I’m exhausted and behind on everything, I am happy. Through my new job, I have met several people who are desperate to get pregnant and I do what I can to be comforting and helpful. I find this incredibly rewarding. I also find myself thinking of them while I hold my son at night. There was one person I spoke to who had truly been through more than any woman should bear and later that evening, as my son fell asleep on my chest (as many a man has done), I thought, “I hope one day, she will hold a baby in her arms like I am now.”
Even though I was genuine in thinking this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the time one of my friends who was getting married, sent another friend and I, who were very much single at that time, a card that said, “I hope you will one day know the happiness I feel.” Truth be told – the letter pissed me off. Extra truth be told – I actually put the card in a frying pan and set it on fire. If memory serves, someone had dumped me earlier that week and my engaged friend’s mere happiness made me feel like a failure. Although I don’t recommend setting things on fire, it did make me feel better.
I mention this because as much as I know my plate is full, it is full for good reason. I don’t ever want to lose sight of that gratitude or where I came from. At the same time though, I would never want my current happiness to be seen as hurtful. It’s a fine line and I’m still not sure how to walk it. Again though, I guess I can only do my best.
So please believe when I say that even though I’m not blogging as much anymore, I am here, I do care and I’m thinking of all of you. Truly. In the meantime, I hope that between now and my next post, I will have lost some weight, gained some more sleep, continue to excel at my job and for the love of god, remember whether or not I’ve pooped.