PLEASE NOTE: If you are struggling with infertility or are currently trying to conceive and you DON'T want to read about my pregnancy (which I totally understand), I recommend starting at the beginning of the blog (March 2010) and reading from there. I find out I'm pregnant in June 2011 so there is a lot of trying to conceive posts in between that you might find funny, helpful or relatable. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

We All Agree: Infertility Is an Evil Bitch Demon


Here’s what’s going on and here’s what’s happened:

As many of you know, there was much drama this past weekend on Twitter that I do hope will at least open up the infertility community to important conversations on support and sensitivity.

In this post, I’m going to bring everyone up to speed who may have missed it and include some information I did not include on Twitter. None of this should at all be perceived as an excuse but rather an explanation. My ultimate hope is in all of the dialogue that is taking place online, on blogs and in private messages, we will remain supporters and friends of one another as well as continued much needed infertility advocates.

So get comfy as this will be a long one!

Despite being told that I have poor egg quality and a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant again, I am, in fact, pregnant. I’m currently about 13 weeks and am having a boy. Yes, this was a complete and total shock and no, I will not be using the word “unicorn” anywhere in this post. There is nothing magical about my reproductive organs. Trust me.

To refresh everyone’s memory, it took me three IVF’s to conceive my now almost three year old son and on the cycle that worked, I only had one embryo to transfer. When my reproductive endocrinologist saw me for this pregnancy, she said point blank, “I’m not going to lie - I’m completely shocked you’re here and pregnant.” That made two of us.

On December 24th, I had my NT scan and received the Maternity 21 blood work test results giving an overall picture that the pregnancy is going well and the baby is healthy and the 25th would be the official end to my first trimester.

On Christmas morning, my parents, husband, son and I had just opened presents and were sitting around when my husband asked about posting the news on his personal Facebook page. My father was very excited about doing this as well (more on this shortly) and at that time, I expressed my concern about upsetting anyone in the infertility community.

Now, let me quickly cut to last Christmas as I do feel this is relevant. As I blogged about earlier this year (see post here), my father has had major health issues recently. Between November and Thanksgiving of last year, he was losing weight rapidly, his skin color had changed and we found out that he had a tumor in his pancreas. Given that his father died in his late fifties of cancer, my father became convinced he was going to die as well.

In March of this year, he had his gallbladder, a portion of his small intestines and a big portion of his pancreas taken out. He currently has to take enzymes with each meal to be able to properly digest his food, he takes insulin to regulate his blood sugar and only in the past month or two, he started to look like himself again. His doctor said that he is nothing short of a miracle.

When I told my father I was pregnant again, it was very emotional moment. We could barely speak to each other without crying but my dad managed to say, “I didn’t think I was going to make it to this Christmas but not only am I alive, I’m having another grandson.”

I did NOT post this on Twitter because A) It’s a fucking long story to fit into a series of 140 character tweets and B) My husband was already getting a lot of grief that I honestly couldn’t bare my dad getting any as well… not without being able to offer a longer explanation.

Now back to this Christmas morning. My husband, Mike, had always felt robbed of the more normal fertile experiences (in addition to my shitty eggs , he has a low sperm count and I feel like he always harbored guilt over it) and he was excited to do something he always wanted to do – post a big ol’ happy announcement of our pregnancy with a sonogram and all. Many of you would not have done this or let your husband do this but if we’ve learned nothing from the last couple of days, it’s that everyone deals with infertility differently and we need to be supportive of one another as much as possible. He's my husband, we've been through a lot together, I love him and this was important to him.

And of course, when my father said he would like to share Mike’s status as soon as Mike posted it, it became even tougher.

I had two of the most important men in my life downright giddy about sharing the news with our loved ones on Facebook. Mike felt that this was a moment he always dreamed about and my dad felt this was a moment he never thought he’d see. So I let them post it on Facebook… and they did. Mike posted his status with a sonogram picture and tagged my personal Facebook profile.

I want to stop here to make this point 100% clear – where he posted is very much my personal Facebook page. It has photos of me, my family, posts about my son, shares my entire life from my love of Starbucks, my ass being bigger than Kim Kardashian's (but in a bad way), infertility issues, my support of gun control and stuff like that. Even when anyone in the IF world has asked to connect with me on Facebook, I always refer to both my @jennpal Twitter account and jennpal Facebook page as my personal page and The 2 Week Wait Twitter and The 2 Week Wait Facebook page as my IF account. The ONLY reason I haven’t posted on my The 2 Week Wait Facebook page as of late is because they have a new policy where you have to use your real name so me and drag queens have been locked out. Oh well, at least we’ll always have our false eye lashes…

Anyway, the reason I’m making this clarification is NOT, repeat NOT to make excuses. It’s mainly because I’d like to avoid inflicting any additional pain as much as possible. So really – the JennPal Facebook page is my personal page. If any of you didn’t realize that and you want to unfollow me or run away screaming from that page, I completely support you and will fully understand.

So, roughly a half hour after Mike posted our news, I posted the following on my (personal) Facebook page:

“As my husband posted this morning, despite needing several IVF's to have MJ and being given only a 1% chance of ever conceiving on my own, I'm pregnant and due in July. I'd so appreciate your prayers for a healthy pregnancy/baby AND that you include all of those still struggling to conceive in your thoughts. Thank you so much and Merry Christmas!”

On my The 2 Week Wait account, the only thing I posted on Christmas was:

“When in the TTC trenches, the holidays were painful for me. To those struggling w/infertility, I'm holding you in my heart today & always.”


This is when things slowly began to unravel…

A friend on The 2 Week Wait Twitter account on Christmas congratulated me and asked if I posted it “here” (meaning Twitter) yet. I wrote back to her that I didn’t out of respect for the day. But then another person saw that exchange and asked what was going on. I ignored that question and let it sit there while I tried to figure things out. You can go through my timeline to confirm all of this but I urge you to do something way more exciting that that if you can.

Years ago, I had a friend who was active in the IF Twitter world who got pregnant on her own after years of treatment. She was so terrified of telling the community that she never posted it or acknowledged it. Eventually though, people found out and many of the responses were well, let’s just say rather unkind. I thought about this incident and began to get concerned that the longer I didn’t say anything on my IF account, the more people would then feel like I was hiding it and become angry.

So, on December 26th, on my infertility The 2 Week Wait Twitter account, I posted:

"1st Tweet of 2: Despite needing several IVF's to have my son & being given a 1% chance of conceiving on my own, I'm pregnant & due in July."


"2nd Tweet of 2: Out of respect to my cherished IF friends, I plan to post about this rarely. Thank you & truly sorry to those this hurts."

On the whole, responses were supportive and positive. However, there were also a few that felt my posting of this on Twitter the day after Christmas was extremely insensitive. Within minutes, many (some who I know and some who I’ve never met in my life) were discussing my post, my pregnancy, what was on my personal Facebook page, that my husband posted a sonogram picture, etc. and so forth. To know there were so many Tweets, direct messages both to me, about me to others, etc. blows my mind.

Some said it wasn’t the news but that it was on Christmas. Others said it wasn’t the news or that it was on Christmas but it was the sonogram picture I was tagged in. Some said the news should be inspirational to people. Others said it was a win for the IF team. A few wanted to revoke my Infertility Advocate card altogether as I no longer deserved to call myself one. Compliments were given. Swear words were used. Some posts were touched my heart and made me cry. Others made me want to crawl under a rock and die... and also cry.

From there (and it’s almost funny to think about now…), I got the most direct messages, emails and texts I may have ever received in my entire life. The messages ranged from, “Apologize immediately!”, “Why did you apologize?”, “Your apology isn’t good enough!”, “Retweet everything everyone is saying to you!”, “Why the hell are you retweeting everything???”, “Delete your entire account!” and so on and so on. My head was spinning…

In the interest of full disclosure here – it’s been a tough couple of months. My son, who is on the autistic spectrum, has now also been diagnosed with a minor seizure disorder (which can happen when you’re ASD). We’re trying to get him into a special school which is harder than buying a gun or getting him into college and now that I know I’m having another boy, I’m terrified he’ll have to go through everything MJ just has. I also am at a greater risk for preeclampsia (yaaay!) and I had cholestasis with my last pregnancy.  The stress has been profoundly affecting my sleep plus, adding to all of this, I’ve been exceedingly sick this pregnancy. This was the reason I wasn’t able to travel to this year’s SHER I Believe Video Project and my co-workers will confirm that I very much look like total shit. Think Michael Jackson, the dying years… only not as thin.

Even though I’m sure some of you are like, “Yeah, cry me a river...”, I share all of this because I’d like to be the first to own that I’m not at my best. I’m sure I was not thinking at my clearest and so when everyone was giving me advice, I pretty much followed EVERYONE’S advice even though they often contradicted each other. I have no doubt that made matters worse and I came off like a confused, slightly bipolar hot mess.

One of my BIGGEST regrets though (whether you agree or not) is that even though I did  retweet many tweets that criticized me, I also retweeted tweets that were supportive but also critical to those who were not supportive of any of my pregnancy posts. In doing this, it came off as my not wanting to listen to both sides and I fear might have undone any sincere apologies I was trying to make.

If you know me or was following all of my posts or even if you’ve followed this blog for a while, I feel confident that you’d know that nothing could be further from the truth. One of my posts actually invited anyone who was unhappy with me to Tweet it and I’d retweet it to everyone to share all points. However, it’s clear that I did not think through some of what was retweeted and for that, I feel like a complete moron.

Overall, there was some fair, honest, critical statements made to me or about me and there were some that, I can’t lie, really deeply hurt that I’m still trying to put behind me as they didn't feel productive so much as they felt... personal and intentionally unkind. It’s been very difficult to take at times but the bottom line is everyone has a right to be heard and even though it may hurt me, I know full well that they are hurting too. I see nothing to gain by being anything but apologetic, supportive and open to hearing what they feel needs to be said.

All in all though - t’s been crazy watching people fight over this, seeing the amount of blog posts all about what’s going on in my uterus and I’m utterly mortified and beyond distressed that this has caused so much drama. I almost feel like Rodney King screaming, “Can’t we all just get along?

A few have said this may be a good incident as it’s started a conversation but if that’s true – I just wish more people would listen instead of argue. 

There are some who have criticized me for thanking those who supported me and others who have criticized me for apologizing. As you can see from this post, I’ve gotten a lot of contradictory opinions from all sides but I wanted to say again, whether it was my handling of my pregnancy announcement, whether it was a retweet that upset you, whether it was a particular word I used or didn’t use, none of the above but just my surprise pregnancy in and of itself that has upset you – I am truly and sincerely sorry and apologize if you are one of the people who I unintentionally hurt.

Even though I accept the criticism, I honestly don't know if there's anyway to not upset someone when you unexpectedly get pregnant but I just can’t stress enough how much this has absolutely broken my heart… literally… pains in my chest that my desperate attempt to balance both my family’s wishes while being respectful of my infertility background and friends have hurt and offended others. I swear on my life that I really tried and even though I was told by one Tweet that “good intentions aren’t good enough”, it’s all I have at this point.

Please know though that I’ve been an infertility advocate for a while now and I have no plans of stopping anytime soon neither at my job or in my personal life. I love this community and still believe it so for any mistake you feel I’ve made, for any mistake I feel I’ve made – infertility is an issue that needs as many voices as possible. We can't always agree on everything but the one thing that is a fact for all of us: Infertility is an evil bitch demon.

Whether you’re pregnant, trying to conceive, going through treatment, surrogacy, adoption, child-free or childless, let me know how I can support you and let's all keep talking… and more than anything listening, ok?


46 comments:

Sarah said...

Jay, I am so sorry you've had to go through this. After two early losses, I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells on social media when my third pregnancy stuck. I understand those who are upset by your news, but I'll never understand their reactions. Please know that I support you and wish you well, and eagerly await updates!

Four Lease Ranch said...

Just wanted to send a huge CONGRATULATIONS on the baby and (((hugs))) that you had to go through that. I hope the 2nd trimester brings relief from the sickness and a smooth rest of the pregnancy.

Cristy said...

There are others arguing over you being pregnant? After all you've done for this community and all those you have supported? Why is this even a topic? Why is it when one of our own, who is fighting to change things, gets amazing news that the response is to tear her down?

Jay, I'm over the moon for you and your family. This is wonderful news. But hearing about the response from the community leaves me heartbroken. If we can't support one another, there is ZERO chance that we'll get the change that is needed to bring infertility out of the shadows. The shame surrounding this disease only grew from those who attacked you.

I wish you a smooth pregnancy and much more good news for your family. And for this community, I wish reflection and reevaluating intentions.

My New Normal said...

Well I am absolutely thrilled for you. It's a fine line when you are part of the IF community and get pregnant without trying. You become one of those stories we all hate to hear about when we are in the trenches. Those stories that we don't really believe.

You want to know why we don't want to believe them?? Because they hardly ever happen.

Your story is a miracle, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

It's sad that not everyone in our community can be happy for you. But that shouldn't be what you worry about right now. I'm sure you've got enough to worry about without taking on other people's issues.

I don't mean to sound insensitive. I was one of those people with issues for a very long time. What I mean is that you have to focus on your family and the little one growing inside you. To try and take on the pain of everyone else, or to try and make them feel better just isn't possible.

So kudos to your Hubby for being so excited and wanting to share your wonderful news with the world on Christmas. That's what he wanted and he deserved his moment.

Brooke said...

Bless your heart. Let the fray go on without you. I just don't think you need to feel responsible for anyone's reaction. It sucks that your good fortune could cause someone else pain, but you can't control that. I know you want to be supportive and not cause pain, but I would guess most of the reactions don't actually have anything to do with YOU. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Wishing you the very best with your unexpected surprise. May you have a healthy, happy baby.

Kate said...

Congratulations to you, congratulations to your husband and father, and congratulations to that little guy that gets to be a big brother. Babies are wonderful whether they come easily or through an epic struggle, anyone who can't appreciate that is an asshole.

apluseffort said...

I am sorry your miraculous news was marred by this brouhaha. I appreciate the explanation though you didn't owe one to anyone. I could tell that your intentions were good in what you said and RTed on twitter, even though people disagreed about... well... everything. I hope you have a scare-free pregnancy and a happy, healthy family. And, for what it's worth, I think the brouhaha has led to some valuable conversations as well.

S said...

First, congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm not on Twitter, and I don't follow either of your Facebook pages, so your post is the first I'm hearing of your news. What a marvelous surprise!

My thought is that people's reactions to your news and how it was disclosed says more about them and where they are emotionally than it says about you. But I have two children and am finished building my family, so my perspective is likely different from theirs.

I wish you health and happiness and think you have every right to enjoy this unexpected pregnancy. :-)

Elisha Kearns said...

oh.my.word. First of all, a BIG and HUGE congratulations! My doctors have given me a 3 percent chance of conceiving on my own so your measly 1 percent chance and testimony give me MAJOR hope. Also, while I have a twitter account, I have no idea what I am doing so I rarely log in. With that said, I didn't see all of the drama. I did read a few posts about it this week and was clueless. Don't worry...the posts were about supporting one another no matter how or when they get pregnant, etc.

I am so sorry your good news was clouded by this haze of...I don't know what to call it. Praying for you and this miracle growing inside of you and that he will be a healthy baby boy. xo

waitingforbabybird.com

foxinthehenhouse said...

I second this.

Tara dS said...

Congratulations, Jay! I know you really wanted a sibling for MJ, and now your dream is coming true! The best Christmas surprise ever! And how wonderful that your husband and father are so excited too.

When I was struggling with infertility, I found great comfort in the IF community, both online and IRL. Of everyone I came to know and continue to follow/stay in touch with as we became parents by one means or another, you are by far the most sensitive to those still battling infertility and the most committed to advocacy for the IF community. You can't please all of the people all of the time, no matter how hard you may try. Best wishes to you for a healthy pregnancy, and my heart goes out to those still in the trenches. Here's hoping for happy endings for them as well.

Ellie Williams said...

Firstly, Congrats! This is awesome and I'm so happy for you.
Secondly, I know how your friend felt. I was given a three percent chance of getting pregnant. We had literally moved on from trying. We had moved into a smaller apartment, started thinking of our life as a threesome with our amazing IUI concieved daughter, and even went so far as to start getting rid of baby related things. Then BAM! I got pregnant out of no where and I didn't know how to deal with it. I try not to post about it but honestly it's my whole existence right now. The stress I experienced my first time around is the same. I constantly find myself saying things like "If we have this baby..." or "when this all falls apart..." and the only people I can talk to are my twitter friends. I lost a LOT of friends when I finally said we were having a baby and it was real. I also found out I have a lot of good friends here and I'm so grateful for that. I don't know exactly how you feel but I know that this baby is a great thing and I'm very happy for you. It's a wild ride, and we all have some crazy twists and turns but it doesn't mean your experience with infertility is invalid or not part of you. I am praying for you and the baby. *hugs* I hope to get to know you better on twitter. @ellieasalways

Tomurcuk said...

I am not an infertile, but I watch the community closely. Isn't one of the goals of the IF community is to make society accept infertility as a disease? Currently, it is not treated as a disease, hence there is minimal support for medical expenses etc. The reactions to your news show me that even the IF community does not accept IF as a disease. Because if they did, you would have received nothing but messages of cheering support. The way people treated your news is like telling a cancer patient who learnt she is free of cancerous cells "oh you are not ill anymore, I am pissed". Yes, I understand people may feel bad, but it is the decent thing to say nothing if you don't have anything nice to say under these circumstances. I am very happy for you and I am pissed that you are being robbed of some joy after so much grief. I say IF:0-Jay:2

kateypie35 said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am sorry your joyous news was marred by such negativity. I had to completely remove myself from the "IF community" because frankly, women baffle me. I agree with Tomurcuk, if you had cancer, and went in to remission - no one would say "oh you aren't sick anymore, so eff you". It is ridiculous that someone experiencing a beautiful experience is attacked.I wish you a smooth and stress free rest of your pregnancy.

Gurlee said...

Since I am not on twitter, I can't remember my damn passwords (what a loser, huh). I totally missed the hub-bub. But wow! Holy crap, lady! A big, fat congratulations to you and your family. I am so thrilled for you, you are an inspiration even without what is going on in your uterus.
IF blows and it seems impossible to please all the people all the time. It sucks that you have to explain your choices.

KathyP said...

Congratulations to you and your family. This is awesome news and deserves to be celebrated. My condolences to those who can't see the victory because of their own bitterness. I'm afraid there is nothing we can do to change their outlook. They have to do that for themselves and it is hard. Wishing you smooth sailing through your pregnancy !

Geochick said...

Congratulations on your news, and what a freaking miracle! One thing I've noticed after joining Twitter this past year is that things seem to blow up, escalate and get worse very very fast. I hope that this has spurred some discussion, but I'm often disappointed at how fast the infertility community turns on each other.

Wishing you a smooth pregnancy from here on out!

Noemi James said...

Congratulations on this amazing news. I am so thrilled for your family.

I also understand your anxieties and concerns. I am abiding with you.

As for how the community reacted, I am... Truly disappointed. It is now your life's work--literally--to support this community and that they could not support you (or just stay silent on the matter) during your time of joy is so upsetting. I understand their hurt and their rage (at IF and the unfairness of it all) and their despair but I don't understand them attacking you for how you announced your good news. I agree with Cristy: if this community can not support itself, then we can't possibly expect those outside the community to be able to support us.

Congratulations. I am wishing nothing but the best for you and your family.

SLESE1014 said...

oh hell…I just wrote out this great comment and blogger ate it…BLERG…I'm not going to remember what it said so….CHEERS…You have walked through fire with me from day one and I'm happy to say I would do the same for you in a heart beat. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thank you for being an advocate for all of us and thank you for sharing your miraculous news….what better season to share a miracle than Christmas? Love to you, your hubs, your son and your dad….Wishing you a happy healthy full term pregnancy!

Becs said...

I'm so glad I didn't see this on Twitter because I would have been furious at the people who were angry with you. I've been TTC for five years and don't have my baby yet. However, to see someone who had as much pain and struggle as you did, get pregnant and share that joy with their family and friends, makes me so happy. I understand why the news would be hard for many. Trust me, I've cried so many times over pregnancy announcements. But my infertility and pain is not that mother's fault. Don't lash out at the pregnant woman because you're hurting. Infertility is fucking awful but it's no one's fault.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, love. I'm so glad your father, husband and you are able to have this experience. I pray that your baby boy will be born healthy!

Mali said...

I've often said that pregnant IFers shouldn't feel the need to tiptoe around those who are still hoping to be in their shoes (or perhaps who have newly discovered they might never be in their shoes), but some sensitivity is always welcome, and it seems to me that you made every effort to be sensitive to those who might feel hurt by this news. When you're deep in the trenches, and immersed in pain, I guess there's no good way to hear the news of someone else's pregnancy. Yet we can all control the way we respond publicly to such news, and I'm very sorry that you have been on the receiving end of some (by the sound of it) very negative reactions. (I'm not on Twitter, so don't know what was said.) It's not as if it is a reality you can hide, after all.

Congratulations, and a very Happy New Year.

Rebecca said...

I'm so glad that you are pregnant! People are rude, crude, and in general a bunch of idiots and the more I get to know them the less I'm inclined to like the lot of them. I'm hoping that the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Renee said...

1. Congratulations on your pregnancy! That is amazing and I am so happy for you and your family. (Also...two boys is so fun...trust me!)
2. While I have not struggled with infertility, I have struggled with miscarriage. I sort of understand people being sad/jealous about your pregnancy, but I absolutely do no understand the hateful comments. It is so sad to me that you have to hide your news or feel afraid of offending people.
3. I'm praying for the rest of your pregnancy to be enjoyable and less stressful. :)

Heather said...

Congratulations! I can hardly follow what I'd going in here. Granted I know nothing about either of your twitter accounts and nor have I followed any of your FB pages, but really you can't announce your pregnancy on YOUR PERSONAL FB page?! WTF?! This makes no sense to me. Several years ago I was in the trenches myself and I would never care what someone posted on their own FB page or even their own blog. The most I've been known to do is stop reading a blog once the blogger became pregnant. Not a big deal. No hateful comments. So yeah, I don't get why people would be so up in arms about this. I guess the gist is that you can't be an infertility advocate if you get pregnant the old fashioned way. Unless of course you are an RE?

Congratulations again. You deserve to bask in this news whether you do it publically or not. Like Tayer Swift says, haters gonna hate, hate, hate. ;-)

JustHeather said...

Huge congratulations! Your IF journey sounds a lot like mine: 3 IVFs and finally getting a boy and then out of no where getting pregnant again when totally not expecting it. It's amazing and yet sometimes difficult to come to terms with, because we weren't "supposed" to get pregnant on our own. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and a happy second little boy!

theelusivesecondline said...

I'm thrilled for you Jay. And appalled at the reaction you received to such happy news. You have done wonderful things for this community and none of that should be diminished just because you were able to achieve a natural pregnancy. I get that people are jealous, I still feel a little sting at every pregnancy announcement, but the way they are acting ins inexcusable in my opinion.

Congratulations again, I hope you don't let the haters get you too down.

Melissa Long said...

Jay....first of all, congratulations! Second of all, while I don't think you should have to apologize for anything in this situation, let me commend you for doing your absolute best at being sensitive and aware of the IF communities feelings. Keep in mind that any pain that was felt from your news was NOT caused by you. I'm shocked at some of the negative responses you've gotten, and I wish it hadn't happened that way. *hugs* and again, congratulations on your baby boy!

ART said...

Wow, I am quite disappointed to hear your news (which is awesome and amazing!) was met w such contempt from so many. All I can say is that jealousy and envy are the real Evil Bitch Demons. I imagine the hardest part for you isn't what they are saying about you but rather what you are thinking about you. You've gotta let the guilt go, J. Your life, your soul, is not defined by being an IF'er. IF does not make us who we are, it's just something that happens to us. Maybe start a project that helps other pg IF'ers deal w this very same issue. Maybe start a project to bring the two sides together, now that you've experienced it from both perspectives. Don't make this about whether you're a phony now, whether you're qualified anymore to do what you do. You lived it. You survived it. You talk about it, you teach it, you advocate for ppl that are in it. That makes you the ultimate IF ambassador in my book.

newtorontomom said...

CONGRATS!!! I am so happy for your news! I hope you feel the rest of your pregnancy and get a healthy happy baby boy in just a few months!

Emms R said...

CONGRATS!!!! You are no less an infertile, no less an amazing person, no less an ambassador/advocate/whatever you want to call it because you managed to 'get pregnant on your own'. Screw those that were stupid. Enjoy these moments, enjoy this surprise, and I'm so happy for you!!

loribeth said...

Here from Cristy & Mali's blogs. I too am sorry you have had to deal with this kind of stuff at what should be a happy time for you. I am not on Twitter, and incidents like this remind me why that can be a good thing...! I've been around online infertility & loss communities for a long time now & kerfuffles like this unfortunately do pop up from time to time. This too shall pass, eventually.

Congratulations -- and enjoy!!

Erica Anne said...

Congratulations! I'm dumbfounded by the negative responses you received. I, for one, appreciate your presence in this community and all you've done advocating for IF. Celebrate this great news as you wish and here's to a healthy pregnancy!

Rebecca said...

Congratulations to you on your incredible news!!! I'm so sorry that it seemed to inspire such controversy. I'm so happy for you and wishing you a wonderful pregnancy.

K. said...

Congrats, you deserve them, and to enjoy the holidays and the news. As someone who does not follow twitter, this was all a shock to me, and I am sad that anyone in the IF world would treat another survivor so harshly. A blessed and uneventful pregnancy I wish you!

Anonymous said...

I'm not part of the infertile "world" but I can't imagine a place where people are so angry at someone else's good news. Don't ever be afraid to be happy and excited about such a wonderful event. Don't feel you have to hide it from everyone - Enjoy your good fortune. Shame on those who want to drag you down and make you feel guilty that you have received your heart's desire. Congratulations to you and your husband. Shout it to the housetops!

Clovis said...

Firstly congratulations! There are people who will be mean no matter what the situation is or try to tell you how to parent etc - dont listen and do whats good for you! I've followed your blog for a few years now and I love it please dont stop and have a healthy and happy pregnancy :)

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Boy I'm glad that I stepped away from Twitter a year ago!! I am incredibly happy about your news though- that is fantastic! I always said that when another infertile gets pregnant that is a WIN for infertiles! Try not to worry too much about the haters. This is GREAT news!!

Dipitie S said...

While I am very happy for your miracle, I absolutely see why people are/were upset. In your shoes, I would have never let my husband tag me in the photo. Tag me in the comment if you want, but not the photo. Of course, I'm not you and you are allowed to do anything you want, and I shouldn't judge you for that. That being said, nobody should judge those who were upset for how they felt about it. I read through the comments and many of them are as hateful as anything I have read in the infertility community. I know there are many, not as vocal, people who were hurt but couldn't/wouldn't/were afraid to express these feelings because they don't want to be treated like this.

I do think that the way the situation was handled was poorly, and for many of us still in the trenches, an infertile person getting pregnant beyond all hope and odds is NOT a win for the Infertility community. Someone else getting pregnant has no bearing on anyone else's situation or chances for success. In fact, I do think that while it's a happy and joyous surprise, it may harm the infertility community more than it helps because it perpetuates the myths that these miracles can happen to all of us, that we need to keep trying, to keep hoping, to keep going, stop stressing, etc. At this point in my infertility journey, the pregnancy announcements hurt much less than the unsolicited advice and hopeful stories.

That being said, I wish you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy and birth.

Leah Campbell said...

I wound up going down the rabbit hole of blog reading tonight, and honestly - finding myself so glad that I missed this. NOT your news (for which I am unbelievably happy for you!) but the really crappy nastiness you had to deal with after the fact. You have always been an amazing advocate within this community, and I applaud your desire to never hurt anyone, but... I also think you received a reaction you never in a million years deserved.

For whatever it is worth, as a woman who has never been pregnant and will never be pregnant, I am over the moon happy for you. Congratulations - so much love to you and your family.

Natalie said...

Well I thought I posted a comment, but I don't know if it got lost. Short and sweet... congratulations! I am so very happy for you. You made me very happy today when I stumbled on this news in my feed.

Anonymous said...

CONGRATS!!

And keep in mind; some people suck....they just can't help themselves.

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Amen to this. I would suggest a break from the internets if at all possible. Infertile or no, assholes are assholes and ain't nobody got time for this shit. Congratulations on your wonderful surprise!

onepercentchance said...

Congratulations! I'm so very happy for you! It's so amazing how many times this happens (unassisted pregnancy after IVF) and it is truly a miracle, and you are so deserving of him. Love to you all!

Anonymous said...

Everyone is different. The body will do what the body does as much as it can be manipulated by modern science there are never guarantees. The will to sign up to do anything is a testament to a journey due to freedom of choice, that is of your own free will. Life is a mystery. What ever will be will be. It's plain and simple and less complicated as people have a tendency to make it. Your pregnancy is meant to be. We all hope we try but Serenity is a must in life with all dealings, options, and decisions. I am a faith driven person, I cannot make up my mind for everyone else they each have a world of choices in their own world and reasons that drive them outside of my understanding and scope.

We have desires dreams wishes and we have our own version of reality and point of view. No one is truly wrong or right. Be confident strong and rest on your answer as it will be different for everybody. In my opinion, I do think what has happened to you is AWESOME but AGAIN this is merely an opinion. Congrats.

Have courage you are only one voice one uterus...Yes you are not alone, we are not alone we are surrounded by the happy, the walking wounded, the dreamers. You are not God. YOU ARE HUMAN. of this I speak so live and let live, encourage others as you please, it is good work. We are perfectly imperfect. As we make mistakes, form opinions and hurt others intentionally or unintentionally, we deal or cope in our own way to get thru this thing called life. so I hate the hurt for everyone at different levels of pain and I celebrate the happiness and joy for everyone at different levels of success.

personally I am grateful to hear positive news because it's is well with my soul, your inspiring journey is uplifting.

I have 3 children, three blessings of many who are in heaven waiting to meet me one day. this is my story and I am living it one day at a time with no shame, I am not brave, smarter, or more special... I am merely uniquely me.
You are just being you and that's all you need to do.

Be you, everyone else is taken. Oscar Wilde

Sincerely,

Dee Stevens

Houston, Texas

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Jenny said...

I am sooooo late to all of this news. The reason? After having my own miracle boy with fertility treatments and being told I had less than a 5% chance of conceiving without treatment, I miraculously and unexpectedly became pregnant again at the age of 40. So...I was on mat leave when all of this crappiness went on.

Reading your post made me very sad. Not because of your pregnancy (THAT is beyond wonderful!), but because so many people made you feel awful for how you chose to share the news. I come from the school of If You Can't Say Anything Nice..., and it's shocking to me that anyone would berate you after all you've been through and all you've done for this community. I get the hurt, I get the pain...I'll never forget what that felt like. But there's no justification for inflicting pain on others because of your own.

Anyway, congratulations on your second baby boy. I am incredibly, giddily happy for you. :)

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